Because I'm obsessed with torturing Barry - but also because this flashed through my head the minute we saw Barry out to eat with Iris, plates stacked five high on the table in front of him, back in episode two or three. TRIGGER WARNING: eating disorder, not explicitly anorexia (it doesn't technically fit that definition, as it has very little to do with body image), no bulimia (at least in this chapter, but probably not in the future either), insecurity plays a role, as does bullying, but low self esteem is not a major issue either

He didn't mean for it to happen. Actually, he had never thought it would happen, that it would ever, ever be a problem. But then again, he never thought he'd wake up from a coma with super speed either.

It started with half-hearted jokes and smiling teasing. Iris staring at him with her eyebrows up as he devoured food at restaurants. Joe laughing as he ate three pizzas in five minutes. Caitlin commenting on how twenty Big Belly Burgers was not really the best thing to rejuvenate his calorie intake.

But then other people started noticing.

People would give him weird looks when he ate out. The people at work made snide comments, some friendly, some less, about how he ate enough for five guys his size. He had gotten questions about his weight that ranged from good natured "how the hell do you stay that thin?" to "trying to bulk up, Allen?" "all that food and you're still as skinny as a fifteen year old" "one of these days that's going to catch up to you."

At first it was annoying. Then it was frustrating. And slowly, it started to bother him.

He stopped eating extra amounts around other people. He was careful to eat a normal amount, a normal lunch, normal meal. But he kept catching himself accidently eating more around other people, loosing track of it and ending up with three meals worth scattered around him, and then there it would be again.

"Damn, you eat like an elephant."

"Hungry, Allen?"

"Eating for two?"

So he was more careful. It was better this way anyway, it kept his identity secret better. He just had a fast metabolism, he told them. He had taken up jogging. He was working out more. Anything to get them off his back, to excuse away the unnatural eating patterns. He started paying closer attention. He was careful when he ordered out. He brought back a normal sized lunch, just a sandwich, sometimes two, with an apple or a bag of chips. He kept Cisco's calorie bars on hand because he could pass them off as just a quick snack.

But he kept getting comments. He tried to remember if they had always said similar things to him, or if his sudden increase in food had made them aware, and now they just wouldn't let it go. He didn't think he was eating that much, at least around other people. But he started bringing smaller amounts. One sandwich, just the apple, to lunch. Whatever dish looked the smallest on the menu. Small portions if he was eating at home. The regular burger, not the deluxe.

And somewhere along the line the burger became a salad. Caitlin kept telling him how bad it was for him anyway. The apple at lunch was really unnecessary. He could just eat a sandwich. He didn't really need waffles or pancakes in the morning, he was fine with just cereal or toast. Soda was bad for him anyway. Water was fine. The calorie bars were appearing too often. He didn't really need that many to keep his glucose levels up, and he certainly didn't need to eat them in front of his colleges and friends.

The comments dwindled. Barry started to relax. Then another would spring up, and Barry was recessing his eating patterns again. An apple for lunch, not the sandwich was probably safest. No donuts or muffins from the table in the office. Water replaced orange juice, Gatorade, any other drink. Really, he didn't need breakfast, or just a calorie bar if he had to run. He stopped going to restaurants. Too many choices, meals to large – once it was on his plate he'd eat it and really the portions were so big that no one really finished it. He'd get a coffee, or just a bottle of water, when he visited Iris. Nothing else was necessary.

By the time anyone noticed, Barry was already deep into his habits. He ate a calorie bar before going to star labs, an apple at lunch, and whatever was around for dinner, but never when other people could watch him. Sometimes he skipped dinner altogether. He was usually tired anyway.

He was running on the treadmill, Cisco kicking up the speed, when he started getting dizzy. His feet slowed, but he forced himself to focus and kept going. He was adjusting fine when the speed suddenly slowed to a stop. Barry looked back at the glass wall where Wells, Caitlin, and Cisco were, confused.

"Your vitals dropped," Caitlin said through the mic. She was out in a second, going up to him. Her brow was creased, worried. She looked at him, puzzled. "You're pale," she said.

Barry's head was spinning a little, but it was nothing he couldn't handle.

"I feel fine," he said.

Caitlin dragged him into the medical room, nonetheless.

"You're glucose levels are down again," Caitlin said once she had pinpointed the problem. It hadn't taken her long, being one of the first things she checked.

"What have you eaten today?" Wells asked.

"I had a calorie bar before I came here," Barry said.

"What else?" Wells asked.

Barry shrugged. "I had an apple this morning."

Caitlin frowned at him. "Is that all you've eaten?"

"Well, yeah."

The frown deepened, accompanied by her hands on her hips. "Well no wonder your glucose levels are low – you need to be eating a lot more than that Barry."

Barry shifted. "It hasn't been a problem before," he said.

Caitlin blinked. "You've been doing this regularly?"

Barry shifted. "Yeah."

Caitlin had her fingers wrapped around his wrist in a second, dragging him over to a scale across the room.

It read 163.

"OK, you're eating a calorie bar, now," Caitlin said.

Barry stared at the number. He tried to remember the last time he was that thin. It had to be in high school, or at least college.

"It's still – that's not underweight, is it?" he asked, looking at Caitlin.

"Well, based on BMI, no, but for your muscle density? We'd have to do a more comprehensive scan, but I mean, Barry, you weighed 186 when you came out of that coma. And you could have stood to gain a few pounds."

Barry felt sick.

"You need to start eating, Barry," Caitlin said.

"I am," he said, "I thought – I thought I was eating too much."

Caitlin stared at him. "Do you have any idea how many calories you burn each day? Barry, I mean, you basically can't eat too much."

"Dude," Cisco said, "You have like, a free pass. As much junk as you want."

Barry felt his stomach flip and Cisco pressed a calorie bar into his hand. He took a couple bites.

"You eat five of those a day," Caitlin said, "In addition to regular meals. And that's a minimum."

"Five?" Barry asked.

"Yes," Caitlin said.

Barry took the bags of calorie bars that Cisco handed him.

"And you can eat – should eat more," Caitlin said, "Especially if you're on the treadmill or running for any long period of time. Your metabolism already runs super fast – and now you need to gain weight – not just maintain."

"So I should eat less once I get back up to normal?" he asked.

"No, well, maybe – we'll see, Barry, honestly I'm pretty sure you could eat twice as much as this and you'd still be fine – your body doesn't store fat the same as everyone else's because of your muscle regeneration."

"Oh," he said.

"Just – you need to gain back that weight," she said, "it's not healthy."

"OK," he said. He took another bite from the calorie bar, then looked at the bags they had given him. Five a day.

His stomach churned.

If you review I will love you forever :) Snowbarry in chapters to come.