A/N: SO. This was actually meant to be a not so long one shot buuuut, once again, my mind gets carried away and my fingers won't stop writing, so this is what happened. I actually wrote this all at once, but I split it into chapters because I felt like it would be easier to read that way maybe. So I hope it's not horrible and you guys like it :)

also warning: there is a some drug and alcohol abuse ahead!

also again: I own nothing but the plot!

She thought love was supposed to feel pretty, like the intricate designs of lace patterns against bare skin and the freshness of Sunday morning in your lungs. She thought love was supposed to be a flutter in your heart and a smile that stretches so wide and full that it hurts your face in a pretty little ache.

But not this love.

This love feels so black, so deep and bottomless that Sakura feels she could fall and fall and fall forever and she would never meet the end of this morose tunnel. It makes her feel heart sick, like a disease of black poison is slinking sluggishly through her veins, dimming her lightness and consuming her soul. She is the victim of a big heart and a bigger hope, a once pure and untainted world view now eclipsed by the ugliness that was love and life and everything in between.

Loving Sasuke Uchiha was killing her, ripping her into broken shards of Sakura that couldn't be reconstructed. It was stupid, she always thought, to love someone who would never love you back, but she couldn't make herself stop. It was engraved deep in her bones, imprinted into the neurons in her brain to forever be in want of this one man, to forever be in lack of this one man.

Sakura Haruno was in hopeless, ugly love with Sasuke Uchiha with no way to escape it and no way to unfeel it.

Sakura doesn't know how to unlove someone, so she starts with distance. The worst part is she doesn't even have to put up much effort on her part because Naruto and Sasuke seem to be molding into the university life without her.

She knew she shouldn't have done it, shouldn't have confessed her feelings to Sasuke during the summer, but she just wanted to know, just wanted to try. Sasuke had shut her down coldly with only a few choice words that sent her catapulting into despair. Naruto had defended him with a simple 'he's just going through a lot right now' and suddenly it was hard to be around them. Hard to finally understand that for years her feelings had been unreturned. Hard to understand that one of her best friends had unknowingly chosen a side and it wasn't hers. Naruto and Sasuke both pretended the incident had never happened, of course, but for Sakura it changed everything.

So for the first month at Konoha University she cries acid tears into her pillowcase and hides in the darkness of her small dorm, hoping her roommate doesn't hear her agony in the silence. And her best friend seems to forget about her, and the boy she loves continues to infect her, spreading this disease called love only deeper into her skin.

And Sakura loves in black.

She sees him from across the street one day, and it plucks the breath right out of her chest. A galaxy explodes in her stomach, and the entire world is thrown out of orbit for a whole minute because it's Sasuke and she loves him and apparently that hasn't changed.

Two months. Two months since she's last seen him or Naruto.

Her arms weakly clutch her books to her chest, and just as she's about to turn away, he looks. His eyes meet hers in a violent collision of onyx and emerald, an explosion of resplendent proportions that shakes the earth beneath her feet but remains unfelt to those milling about her.

His eyes say nothing. His face says nothing. But Sakura wonders if he can see the invisible scars from acid tears on her cheeks. He blinks and someone bumps Sakura's shoulder hard enough to reawaken her senses. Then she's gone, disappearing like a ghost in a crowd of other ghosts.

She makes it to a bathroom stall before the tears tumble down her cheeks and maybe she hasn't made any progress at all.

She meets Ino at the beginning of November, and they click in all the right ways. Her new blonde friend is loud and exuberant, with a sassy attitude and a brash manner that Sakura finds oddly refreshing. They are so alike without having a single similarity but it doesn't matter because they're friends, the best of friends, and Sakura really needs one of those right now.

They are suddenly attached at the hip, two lonely girls with big lonely hearts trying to find a way through the mess. In their little alcove in the library they study together through day and night, groaning at their schoolwork but motivated by the possibilities. Wrapped in thick scarves and warm fleece jackets, they spend their mornings in coffee shops around campus, giggling at the way the boys stumble at the sight of Ino's glittering sapphire eyes and do double takes to get another glimpse of Sakura and her exotic, long pink hair. Squeezing into Sakura's too small bed and toasty warm underneath mountains of pretty, thick blankets, they whisper their fears and their heartaches into the dark of the room, two broken hearts clinging like Velcro to one another.

Ino is a burst of color in Sakura's eternal gray, a welcome explosion of glitter paint and neon lights, and it's so easy to dive into the color with her. Ino likes to party, and Sakura is only slightly hesitant when the blonde bombshell shoves her into a little black dress, does her make dark and sultry and wow, and curls her hair into perfection so that it tumbles down her back in a magnificent show of pink and pretty.

Sakura looks into the mirror and can hardly recognize the girl -the woman- before her. It's been a long time since she's felt this confident, a long time since she felt as powerful as she did with Naruto and Sasuke flanking her sides, three childhood friends that could have ruled the world with their infinite bond. But she had gone and fallen in love and fucked that whole thing up. She doesn't like to think about them, about him.

The club is thriving with energy and heat when they arrive, and Sakura only wobbles slightly in her strappy red heels as she walks. She's a little wary at first, a little unsure, but then Ino presses a purple drink into her hand, and the sticky sweetness of it does magic to her body, to her mind. So she has another. And then another. And then she loses count because they're dancing in a mass of sweaty bodies, and her body is tingling from head to toe, and the music is everywhere, drowning out the mess in her head, vibrating in her blood, pounding in her heart. She loves it. Then they drink some more, and she passed gone a long time ago but she feels completely unlost.

The strobe lights dance rapidly across her eyes, beams of green, specks of red, lightning strikes of blue, and she can hardly think through the fuzz in her brain, and she likes it that way. So she tosses her head back and lets her hips move naturally, lets her body fall completely into the blissful haze that has raided her senses.

Later, when she's stumbling down the ugly carpeted halls of her residence hall, leaning on the walls for support and ears still throbbing pleasantly from the pounding bass of the music, she finds that she already misses the club. She misses being lost in the crowd with her body covered in a thin sheen of sweat, hands thrown up in the air as her body hums and hums and hums.

She falls into bed with a drunk mind and a drunk smile and dreams of flashing lights and color.

Sakura finds her safe haven in a cacophony of neon lights and fruity purple drinks. It's the only place she can go where the feelings don't haunt her, where the broken Sakura is nothing but a ghost living in a parallel universe. And she and Ino thrive in this place.

So they brave the harshness of the cold nights in their slinky dresses and crimson smiles and then stumble home with slurred words and a welcome numbness. Gradually, the numbness extends past the night and into the day. Sakura knows she should be worried, knows that the effects of the alcohol could affect her studies if she isn't careful, but, for the first time in years, there isn't a sickliness in her heart or a heaviness on her chest. She knows the hurt is still there, but she's doing her best to suffocate it until it dies.

There are times, though, in the midst of her muffled awareness and marshmallow senses when she is hit with a sudden clarity. And she can picture Naruto's effervescent grin and feel the strength of his hugs. And she can feel the heat radiating from Sasuke's body when she stood close and feel the bone shattering strength of his gaze when he would stare at her.

For a moment, Sakura wonders if she should be doing this. She's studying to be a doctor, and she knows the detrimental effects of alcohol on the body but…

Sakura throws back another shot, cringing at the acrid burn of the tequila as it slides down her throat and the way the flavor sears at her taste buds. But then it settles in her stomach, spreads to the tips of her fingers and slinks along her spine, and it's so warm and yes this is actually what she needs.

In late January, she and Ino meet Temari, Tenten, and Hinata. Sakura isn't even sure how it happens, but suddenly they're all friends, and it's perfect. Sakura likes them. Temari has a fiery, abrasive personality, but it's just her and Sakura gets that. Tenten is a free spirit, fun and witty and graceful, and Sakura loves the weightlessness she feels when she lets Tenten drag her onto the dance floor. Hinata is the innocence Sakura wishes she still understood, ethereal and regal and shy, but when she's on the dance floor Hinata is one of them.

They're a mismatched group, five different personalities with five different backgrounds, but it doesn't matter because when they fly they fly together, and when they dance the floor is completely theirs. They are untouchable in this heaven, rulers of this party paradise.

And they dance until they've passed the clouds and the moon and the stars and they've reached nirvana.

Temari introduces Sakura to one more friend, and this friend really makes Sakura see life in color.

It's a little white pill, so small and unintimidating, but Sakura knows every reason in the books why she shouldn't take it. Tenten and Ino have already popped one in their mouths, and now they're moving on the dance floor so pretty and graceful and free.

Sakura hesitates. She wants to be a doctor, and doctor's don't do this right? But she's so sober right now, and all she can think is SasukeSasukeSasuke, and she wants him to leave her alone. So the pretty pinkette snatches the pill from her friend's palm and tosses it into her mouth, and Hinata hesitantly follows her lead.

Nothing happens at first, and Sakura is frustrated, meandering through the crowded dance floor a little lost and out of place. But then it hits, and the world is an explosion of euphoria and pretty, pretty, pretty.

She can feel her blood pulsing in her veins, hear the way her heart thumps against her chest like a reverberating drum, and her head is so highhighhigh in the clouds how will she ever come down. Nothing has ever felt this good.

She pulls a dazed Hinata around the floor, and they dance between the colors that beam down from the ceiling. Every color in the rainbow rains down on them but Sakura is certain she sees at least a million more, feels them wrap and burn around her. And they giggle and throw their hands in the air to catch all these colors in their greedy hands, but they just keep on slipping through their fingers.

Sakura loves Sasuke in kaleidoscope colors. She loves him as lasers beam down from every corner and pierce her straight through with pretty bluegreenpurple perfection. She loves him as Tenten giggles and runs her fingers through Sakura's silky pink locks and as Ino grinds her body against hers and as Temari coaxes Hinata into another pill.

Most of her time is spent trying to deny that she feels anything for him at all, but here, with this pill running its course and these people helping her live, it's not so hard to admit that she still loves him because loving doesn't hurt so much when you get to do it in pretty kaleidoscope colors.

It's May and classes have just ended when it happens. Sakura lives in a city with hundreds of thousands of people, but she always knew that somehow the world was still small enough to run into them again. Apparently, Naruto and Sasuke have made some new friends, two of which are Kankuro and Neji, Temari's brother and Tenten's now boyfriend respectively. Oh, and Neji and Hinata happen to be cousins. Fuck. And this group of boys suddenly shows up at their club, completely unannounced, much to Tenten's great delight and Sakura's great horror.

"Sakura!" Naruto greets, and everything in his face and voice suggest that he's ecstatic to see her again, but everything in his body language says he is unsure of how to react.

Eventually, he decides to yank her into one of his strong hugs, and Sakura wants to push away but his arms are so strong and familiar that she hugs him back awkwardly, fighting down a lump rising in her throat. She feels amazingly small in his strong arms, and his scent hasn't changed, and all this is bringing back too many good memories.

When he releases her, she meets Sasuke's dark eyes. He is so heart achingly handsome in his jeans and black tee, with a stupidly perfect face and too perfect dark hair. His gaze is a tornado, tearing her to pieces and ripping away her oxygen with frightening strength and ferocity.

"Sakura," he says in that deep, beautiful voice, and just like that her pretty little world is shattering into pretty little pieces.

And she's so angry because this is supposed to be hers. These are her pulsing lights and sticky sweet drinks and magic little pills. How was it fair that he got to take that away from her? So with Naruto's voice in her ear and Sasuke's presence on her heart, she drinks and she drinks and she drinks and the world dissolves into fuzzy colors and dancing hearts. Ino pulls on her hand and they are disappearing into the throng of party people, skin gliding against skin and hearts running wild. Through the pink fringe of her bangs, Sakura sees Naruto on the outskirts of the crowd, holding a forgotten drink in his hand and staring at her dancing form with something so sad, so lost. Sakura stumbles, and why can she still feel the hurt beneath the pretty purple drink? She drinks another.

When the sun is threatening to break over the horizon, Sakura hunches over the toilet in her stupid dorm bathroom, cold tiles biting into her thin knees and tears flowing from her eyes as her stomach heaves and heaves and heaves. Her roommate bangs on the bathroom door, yelling obscenities that Sakura can't hear with a fury Sakura can't feel.

The pretty pink girl slides down to lay on the cold white tiles and watches the ceiling ripple and swirl above her and everything is going to change now. Everything is going to change.

Sakura misses Tenten. Physically, the lithe brunette is still there, with her chocolate locks dancing across Sakura's face as they twist and grind and twirl and her carefree giggle reverberating in Sakura's ears, but she is still somewhere else. It's Neji; he's changed her. She doesn't take so many magic pills now, is no longer the first one to suggest a round of shots because he is her new drug. Sakura is happy that her friend has found someone instead of something to put a silly grin on her face and her head in the clouds, but still Sakura misses her.

And sometimes Sakura lets herself get close to Naruto, and sometimes she is the wind at his fingertips, felt but never caught. It's still hard, still a bleeding wound on her heart, but these two groups have officially become one and he's not going anywhere, so she does her best.

Sasuke likes to watch her dance. She knows because she can feel him looking. Beneath the feeling of metallic color crawling through her skin and the cosmic bliss rupturing in her head, she can feel something even more intense, something not so familiar. And then she'll find him at the bar, flanked by Neji and Kankuro with a beer in hand and staring unashamedly at her with an expression that's not blank or closed but something else. Goosebumps race down her spine, and a raging heat settles in the pit of her stomach, a sudden surge of fiery lust she hasn't felt in a long long time. He smirks like he knows, and it infuriates her just as much as it turns her on.

And that is the beginning of their new relationship.