"Mutual Respect Sends His Regrets"

AN: So… Canon's more of a suggestion or set of guidelines than a hard, fast rule, with this one. Nothing recognisable belongs to me.

Chapter 1: Set Us Up The Bomb

Hermione glared at her visitor balefully.

"This is where you're wasting away your free time?" He sneered, glancing around. Hovel, his narrowing eyes clearly conveyed. His long, fitted hunter green cloak shifted, the fabric catching the light like the scales of a serpent as it swirled around him.

It was a struggle, but Hermione withheld the urge to roll her eyes.

"Loki, to what do I owe… this?" She settled on, her shoulders shrugging.

His nostrils flared as he pinned her with his hard green eyes. "It's been two weeks. Four bank robberies. Seven terrorist bombings. A grand theft helicarrier joyride and at least a minor international incident."

Hermione sank into the cushions of her bed, her eyelids feeling heavy. Or perhaps it was just the subject matter. Or the drugs. Bless the drugs, even if they did addle her rather impressive brain.

"You've been busy," she sighed, shifting a bit to get more comfortable.

"Yes, but why haven't you?" he exploded, throwing his arms wide.

She arched a brow at him. "Excuse me?"

"Why are you just…" He lifted his arms and gestured at her, disgusted. "Lying here?"

"I'm sorry, were you trying to get my attention with the… helicarrier hijacking, was it?"

"That was… well, that was more to get up Thor's skirts, but yes."

Hermione's head fell back against the pillow as she closed her eyes a moment.

"I have a mobile. You could have texted. From the crime scene, if you really wanted. Sent me pictures through Instagram with pretty filters and things."

He pouted, jutting out his lip. "It's more fun when you're there to chase me."

"Loki, I'm recovering from surgery and illness. You're going to have to suck it up like a big girl and find another arch-enemy for at least the next two to three weeks."

"Two to three weeks!" Over went an orderly's forgotten supply cart.

"Shh! Don't disturb the other patients," scolded Hermione, glaring at him. "This is a hospital."

His eyes hardened, his lips pulling back in a sneer. "It'll be in ashes if you don't—"

"Petrificus totalus."

Crossing her arms and tapping her wand impatiently on her patient-gowned bicep, Hermione blew out long and hard through her nose.

"Now," she said, flicking her wand here and there to straighten her sheets, right the cart Loki had toppled, and refresh her carafé of water. She wiggled her nose at Loki, releasing him with a wordless finite, and faced him once more. "We need to make a plan. I can't have you wreaking havoc without reason."

"I never have a reason," he said, arching a brow.

Hermione tilted her head to the side, getting comfortable, and gave him a knowing look. "No?"

Not liking her penetrating gaze, he ignored her taunt and began pacing.

If she hadn't been so tired... Hermione swallowed the urge to huff at him.

She rested her hands atop her covers. "You do, you just don't know it. It all comes down to your motivations or lack thereof. When you're bored, you stir up trouble. When you're challenged, you blow off steam and make things explode. When you're angry or frustrated you go after large groups of people to make larger groups of people mad at you to give you a way to work out your anger issues with a lot of ninnying and running around. When you haven't had a good night's sleep, your hair is skewed and kind of flat in the morning, and you press your lips together more and go to bed after a little bridge-bombing and a gin & tonic. It's all very simple and boringly predictable, to be honest." Hermione relaxed against her cushions, shoulders set.

"If I'm so predictable, why do you never properly apprehend me?"

"I always apprehend you, Loki. I'm not responsible for containing you, though. It's part of my working contract. What others do with you once I'm done is none of my concern."

"And why is that?"

"Job security. For me. As long as I keep catching you, I earn a generously healthy, living income." She shrugged.

His brow furrowed. "You can't be serious."

"With excellent benefits," she added.

Frowning at her, he faltered in his stride. "You're honestly telling me you aren't motivated by saving others from me? Or obstructing my paths of destruction? Or saving the… what do you Midgardians call it…" He came to a stop, staring at the floor. "Ow-zone layer?" He gave her a suspicious look.

"Ozone layer."

He made a dismissive gesture with his hand. "Regardless. We have a pre-arranged agreement—"

"Contract. I'm an independent contractor with the Muggle government, the British Ministry of Magic and the Avengers," she corrected. "If they decide they'd rather have me fighting another supervillain, I can be re-assigned."

Loki's nostrils flared. "Don't speak nonsense." He began pacing again. "Who would they possibly assign you to who'd be greater, more unpredictable, more dangerous than me?"

"Well, don't quote me on this, but since Guardians of the Galaxy there've been lots of rumours about—"

"Don't even say his name!"

Hermione snorted. "Yeah, like I don't remember what happened last time," she crossed her arms under her bosom.

Loki's face twisted in anger. He jerked away from her.

"No." His voice was low, dark.

"Hmm?" Tiring, Hermione's eyelids weighed heavily and began to droop. Sweet Merlin, she had to take home an IV drip of whatever this was.

"I refuse to acknowledge that you only confront me because it is your job," he snapped, emphasizing his disdain with the last word.

"Loki, you're acting like I'm breaking up with you. For money."

"Aren't you?" He stopped, his face paling to marble. "God gods, I am."

Hermione sighed. "It's not you, it's me," she said drily. "But we can still be best nemeses?"

"Frenemies?"

Hermione wrinkled her nose. "No." It was far too hipster-ish a term.

"I agree," said Loki quickly, crossing his arms.

They looked at each other.

"Two weeks?" he asked.

"Maybe three."

He weighed it over and over in his mind. His head actually tilted side to side. Hermione swallowed a giggle as the motion made her dizzy and punch-drunk.

"And you won't be out working while you're recuperating?" His eyes narrowed on her, lips tight.

Hermione sighed, letting her eyes close. "I promise I won't cheat on you by chasing down smaller-scale criminals."

"And I solemnly swear that while I'll be up to no good, no one will catch me until you're out. And then even you won't catch me," said Loki confidently.

"Thank the gods for small favours," she muttered.

He smirked. "Not that small. But impressive."

Unable to help it, Hermione chuckled as she drifted off. "You keep telling yourself that."

"Are you sleeping?"

"Not yet," she mumbled. "Thirsty."

Her glass of water drifted closer, and the straw bumped her nose.

"Thanks," she said.

She heard him get up to leave. "See you in two weeks."

"Hmm," she murmured, wrapping her lips around the straw and taking a sip of her water.

Except it was frozen.

Hermione's burning amber eyes opened to slits.

"Loki…"

He chuckled as he shut the door behind him. Hermione sighed.

Now, what was it she'd mentioned to Loki? Ah yes, her plan...

"Fury?"

"Yes, Mr Stark."

"Hey, thrilled to talk with you too on this cheery January day. How're the wife and kids."

"May I ask why you're assaulting my good mood with your good for nothing self?"

"Somehow, I don't think you've had a good mood since you were taken off your mother's teat. Also, you probably frowned at her while wearing an eyepatch when you nursed. So, I have this issue, and its getting annoying, and if you wouldn't mind turning on your goddamn video feed you'd see that I have an army of Lokis in my lab."

Click. Click. Fshwoom.

"So you do."

"Yeah, thanks, I'm almost sure I heard a sympathetic heartbeat in there, but then again you have no heart so it must have been a blip. I'll check into it later. Can you tell me, sir, why is Loki here?"

"Loki, why are you bothering Mr Stark?"

"Something to do," said a Loki. Another Loki nodded. Yet another just shrugged.

One Loki, who'd been tinkering with a small, highly technical, very expensive piece of robotry, accidentally snapped it causing a spark. His turned it over. Then threw it over his shoulder, got up and started looking for something else to play with.

"Well, there you go. Anything else, Mr Stark?"

"Aren't you going to do anything? Call someone," said Tony, emphasizing the someone. Raising his theatrical eyebrows, even.

Fury frowned at him over the video feed. "No. Fury out."

"Tony?" Called Loki as Fury cut the communication. "Do you have a hammer?"

"No. Go ask your brother," said Tony, leaning over his desk, fingers digging into the stainless steel surface. Nick Fury was such a dick.

Loki's voice was light, almost thoughtful. "... Now there's a thought."

With a small crack behind him, Tony whirled around to find his private laboratory empty of Lokis.

...Oops?

Tony pulled out his mobile.

Sorry not sorry, he texted Thor.

—and promptly turned off the sound and vibration notifications from his phone.

"Thor," said Jane, squeezing his hand.

"My Jane, this is madness."

She didn't disagree and grimaced. Lying wouldn't help anyone. "But it could be... fun."

"Surrendering to his charms could doom us all," said Thor, head bowed and heavy.

Jane squeezed and shook his hand, getting his attention. "I think he's lonely," she whispered.

"But to come here—," Thor gestured to the throne room.

"He misses his nemesis," she said against his ear, lips pressing into the thick hair and tickling him.

"Is she still in—?"

"Yes," Jane broke in quickly, turning away to smile at Loki for a moment. From down below the raised dais Loki turned to look at her, his hands folded behind his straight back, head high. She smiled again, a bit forced, and lifted a finger to give them just another minute.

"Please, Thor? I promise I'll…" She finished off, whispering in his ear, squeezing his hand until he turned towards her and nuzzled her back. The display turned disgustingly sucrose as the two giggled and nuzzled each other, before a cough from behind reminded them they had company.

"Yes?" Jane asked, smiling brightly at Thor.

"Yes," he sighed. He straightened, looking down at his brother.

"So, how do you play this Midgardian game?"

"It's called World of Warcraft," said Loki, pulling a shiny laptop out of his satchel. "We play on these gadget-things."

"Where did you get that?" asked Jane, curious.

"Tony Stark."

"Is it already set up?" she asked, clearing some space on Thor's table nearby. It was monstrously long and could seat three hundred. Or Thor and his warrior friends when they came by for snacks and game night.

"Yes, Tony has an account. We will use it."

"That's really nice of him to lend it to us."

Loki nodded, not missing a beat. "It is." He pulled another 'gadget-thing' from his bag. "You get one, and I get one."

Jane's brow furrowed. Thor glanced up at her. "He just leant you three top of the line laptops?" she asked Loki.

"Here's his password," said Loki, setting up the suspicious computers with ease, and booting them up. Not answering Jane's question, she noticed. "I'm told this is a good 'server'," he pointed, as Thor grasped the keypad with his massive, Mjolnir-calloused hands. He tapped the mousepad as gently as he could. There was a teeny cracking noise, but the machine plodded right along.

"Oh look! It's… it's like a moving picture game," said Thor, leaning forward to watch the screen. "Oh, look at this, my Jane!" He bounced in his throne and pointed excitedly.

Jane bit her lip as she took a deep breath. It's good for them, she told herself, it's good for them…

"We'll play for a bit," said Loki. Then his eyes glowed. "Then go on a raid," he added mercilessly, his smile stretching wider.

"I'll just go… get some snacks, shall I?" said Jane, backing away from them.

"Oh, look at all the little creatures! Oh! Oh, that was a nasty little beast, wasn't it? Well, brother, this is good fun!"

"That's the introductory video. The game hasn't started yet," said Loki.

"There's more?"

"Yes."

"Brilliant!"

Loki grit his teeth.

(An hour later)

"No!" Loki roared, snapping upright in his chair. He'd made it bigger than Thor's throne, just because. "No! If you rush in there now, we'll lose everything!"

"But it's clear—"

"No, it only looks clear!" seethed Loki, breathing hard. He stretched his head and neck, opening and closing his hands as he looked up at his brother. "It's a trap."

"Then we'll strike hard!"

Loki's eyes shot open, and he reached for his brother. "No—!"

"Thooooor of Asgaaaard! Fall before my sword!"

And Thor's character rushed into the raid, a creature's den, sword swinging and trail blazing.

...The only good being that it was over quickly, at least.

Face falling, Loki could only watch as his brother was cut down by the boss monster he'd been planning on raiding. When the cries and war calls and skirmishing calmed, Loki sat, stunned. Even Thor was slumped forward, subdued.

"At least I still have my chicken," mumbled Thor, downcast.

As the screen re-set itself, Thor's blue eyes lit on a new icon. He clicked on it eagerly, and his entire face brightened.

"Jane! Jane, bring more snacks!" he began clicking madly.

"What are you doing?" asked Loki.

"There's a new game!"

"Thor, honey, I've been getting you snacks for the last hour. I think you need to take a break from the computer and… go out and play," said Jane, dragging another platter heaped high with food onto the end of the table.

"What are you playing?" asked Loki, not really interested but trying to overcome his disappointment. He did not like failure. Even if it was a World of Warcraft raid.

"More importantly, how do you have WiFi?" asked Jane, squinting at the corner of Thor's screen.

Thor glanced up at Loki from his screen and exclaimed, "Angry Birds!"

Loki's face twisted and darkened as he slowly came to his feet, reaching for his staff.

Hermione felt her shoulders gain the weight of a small avalanche as the hand holding the tv remote dropped down.

"—the fires continue to rage in north Jakarta, tonight, as a string of unexplained explosions erupted this evening along the waterfront…"

She sighed as she caught sight of a familiar pair of horns dashing over a rooftop, followed by a bolt of lightning.

"Tony?" called Pepper from the office beside Tony Stark's lab.

"Yes?" He lowered his glass of… he looked at it more closely. Hmm. Well, it was smoky-tasting and forty proof, and that's what was most important, right? Right.

"Director Nick Fury's upset. He said it's about Loki. Did you do something?"

"No. Also, I'm not here, and I'm busy."

His brow puckered as he heard the tapping of her approaching high heels. He loved them, normally, but that wasn't her Flirting Walk. That was her Business Walk. Which he also liked, when he got to watch it from behind. Which reminded him, was it Thursday already, because on Thursdays he loved to—

"Tony, he's standing right here beside me. Tea, Mr Fury?"

"Yes, please. Milk, two sugars."

"I'll be right back. Tony, you have a guest," she said, striding away.

Tony turned then, and looked past Fury with a wounded sigh as she strutted away. Yes, he did love that pair of heels in particular. There was something about that shade of red for Louboutins...

"Am I interrupting, Mr Stark?"

"As a matter of fact—"

Fury snapped his finger beside Tony's ear, making the inventor jump and grabbing his attention. His glare intensified as he leaned down into Tony's space. "I don't care. Suck it up, Iron Femme. Now, what did you do that pissed Loki off so much he went to pick a fight with his brother? Do you know what the rates are for labour in Jakarta at the moment? This kind of reparation work doesn't come cheap."

"He asked me for a tool I didn't have, then he took off. I'm not his keeper. Is his girlfriend still not out of prison yet?"

"Miss Granger is in hospital recovering from surgery, Mr Stark. She's not on holiday." Fury lifted a hand as he paced. "Or incarcerated." He glowered. "Or his girlfriend."

"Are her benefits paying for her little séjour?"

"This is not up for discussion."

"Because when I asked for benefits, you told me I wasn't insurable. That's discrimination."

"You modded yourself with spare parts and have a glowing LED for a heart valve."

"I know, it looks amazing at raves."

"You're reckless and regularly endanger yourself and society. Your liver is solid with the early stages of cirrhosis and orgasms at the mention of spirits. Your manner is so abrasive you regularly get punched out when you go to bars you don't own. Even some you do."

"Flatterer. Also, I learned from the best role model ever," said Tony, rounding his shoulders and fluttering his eyelashes at Fury. "My hero!"

Fury punched him in the face.

"There was something in your eye. Fixed it for you."

"You're a gem, thanks," groaned Tony, holding his fractured eye socket.

"I see you're still talking," said Pepper, returning and offering Fury his tea on an art deco saucer and cup set. She smiled warmly at him. "Can I do anything to help?"

Fury glowered at Tony.

Tony ignored his blatant disappointment, appealing to his better half. "Honey, a bit of help here? Ice?"

Pepper grabbed his tumbler, and before he could object, dumped the contents in the garbage, salvaging the ice at the last minute and passing it to him with a smile. "Better?"

His lip pouted as he mourned the loss of the mystery booze. "Loads. Why do you like him more than me today?"

"She has taste," quipped Fury.

Pepper just smiled and made a hmm-ing sound. "I'll let you boys have your talk. I'll be in my office if you need me," she said.

Then she turned and stalked away, heels click-clacking as she went. It made Tony sigh with nostalgia, and he slowly leaned to the side to watch her leave. Ah, Thursdays…

"Focus, Stark."

Did Fury have to growl like that? It really killed the show.

He nearly rolled his eyes. "I am—," Tony jerked out of the way of Fury's flying fist. Once burned and all that. His head tilted at a new angle, he decided it was absolutely amazing what those heels did for Pepper's calves. "You know, there are classes for your condition. They're called Anger Management for the Emotionally Constipated. Or something like that. Want me to look into it for—gah, okay," he rasped as Fury tightened his fingers around Tony's throat. He choked on his tongue as Fury squeezed harder.

"Listen to me, Stark. Not that sorry excuse for a dick you have plugged into whatever port you've installed where your dick should be but never was."

"Listening," he croaked. "Also, air?"

Fury narrowed his visible eye. "Later. Now, I want you to go put on your super suit, fly your pretty rockets to Jakarta, and invite Loki back here for some robo-playtime. He was very pleasant while he was here—"

Tony's hands rose to grab onto Fury's wrists. Not that he was begging. Yet. "Broke all my stuff, the jerk. Also, air?"

"—invite him back to play robot lab. Or super-fun science tech lab party. Or fucking Legos for all I give a damn, Stark," Fury growled. "Go get him."

"... Aaaaiiiiiiiirrrrrrrr…." croaked Tony, his knees giving out and vision going cloudy.

"Say, "Yes sir, Director Fury"."

"...Yes... your mother was a sir, Director Fury."

Fury shook his head, looking down at Tony with disappointment clear in his eye.

"How does she put up with you?" He released Tony who fell to the ground, his arms extended to soften the blow.

"She likes my ports," gasped Tony. Air, sweet, fresh, artificially circulated and conditioned air. It was so beautiful.

"Well hopefully Loki still likes your parts. Get out of my sight, Stark."

"As soon as my lungs finish inflating again. In the meantime, shall I look up the number for the Anger Management classes? Sir?"

"Suck on it, Stark."

"—" He opened his mouth but Fury gave him another level, Fury-ous look.

"That means shut your useless, filthy mouth."

Tony just nodded. Mentally he mourned the loss of the Thursday-that-could-have-been. On the positive side, he'd recorded the sound of Pepper's click-clacking Louboutin heels, so he could put it on a loop and listen to it as he flew to Jakarta. Score.

To be Continued.

AN: Happy birthday, Uchiha.S! :D Parts 2, 3 and 4 will be posted once I finish up the last of my edits. Wishing you all the happiness and cake with awesomesauce you can handle on your special day. ^_^ Much love!