I have no idea how a defibrillator would really work.

With a strong kick Raph sent the submarine's door flying, and wasted no time leaving the ship. His right arm was draped around Leonardo's limp body, pressing his brother against his side. His left hand scooped the water as he kicked to move them forward, closer towards the bigger submarine.

He didn't feel the cold around himself anymore; the angry need to move faster had warmed him up. It made him anxious how much slower his swimming felt with only one hand and with Leo as a weight against him. The moment his thought drifted to Leo his movements became clumsy. He was feeling too many feelings at once, so he tried to just concrete on moving forward.

Their submarine lay on the bottom, hidden behind some rocks so that Raphael and Leonardo wouldn't have been seen as easily as they ventured on with the small sub. Raph knew the ship wasn't far, but it felt like he had been swimming for an eternity already. Leo was as cold as the water surrounding them, his chest wasn't moving-

Leo felt heavy as Raphael's emotions got the better of him, but nothing was as heavy as his heart. He snarled at himself, managing to not let his speed drop. As he was concentrating on the movement of his legs, his headset inside his helmet suddenly stirred to life. He cursed at how bad it startled him, almost losing his grip on Leo. Just almost. He'd never let go.

"Leo, if you can hear me – Leo, answer the radio, shit–"

Raphael was so fascinated by hearing Donatello's voice that it took him a few seconds to realize that he could actually answer. Also, hearing Don swear was also rare, so that took him by surprise, too.

"Don", Raph breathed his name, knowing he should feel relief, but he couldn't. His voice was breathless from the efforts of swimming – this should be nothing, he'd easily swim even a longer distance, but the situation itself was enough to make Raphael feel paralyzed. But he couldn't be that – he had to swim, faster, kick faster, just – just go faster…

"Raph!" Don's answer was immediate, relief clear in his voice. "Raph, are you guys okay? I've been trying to contact you for-"

"Don, ya have to listen", Raph breathed, grunting as his muscles protested against his swimming. "Leo's – just prepare the defibrillator", Raph explained shortly, leaving Don to listen at his heavy breathing. The line went silent, so Raphael figured that Don was just staring at the radio, not sure if he had heard his brother right. "Don, now!" he yelled, and could hear the radio close as Don scrambled to his feet. As the line went dead his own, heavy breathing was the only thing he could hear.

He hated himself. He couldn't look at Mikey or Don, they'd know this was Raphael's fault, he could've given the suit to Leo. This was so wrong, so wrong he wanted to scream.

As he made it to the ship he swam to the place they had launched their small submarine from. There was a water tank for the submarine, and that tank also led inside the submarine. Raph knew Don would be there.

The lights from the ship blinded him, but he swam determinedly. Before he even noticed he could feel something pulling Leonardo away from him, and he almost pulled his brother back before realizing it was Mikey. "It's okay Raph – I've got him, I've got him–" he knew Mikey tried to sound reassuring, but he could see how shocked his little brother was to see and feel Leo's limp form.

Somehow, he had made it back to the ship.

But it was far from over. Mikey carefully pulled Leo from the water, and while getting up himself Raphael grabbed the helmet and let it fly across the room. It landed with a loud thud, and only as Raph was hurriedly getting out of his diving suit did he realize how heavy it had been. He didn't know how long it had taken for him to get here – he'd never forgive himself for this.

"Watch his head", Donatello was already giving orders and no feeling was to be heard from his voice. He sounded professional, like nothing could break his composure. But as soon as he turned to see Leo's pale, almost bluish face, Raph could see the emotion flash in his eyes. His hands were immediately on Leo, putting something in his mouth, probably to get some water out of him.

Raph was finally free of his suit, able to move better. His muscles weren't happy, but he stumbled next to Leo, falling on his knees. As soon as Don was done, he ordered Mikey to put a mask over Leo's mouth, giving him air, which he obviously wasn't able to take before they'd get his heart to beat again.

That was the next step; Don picked up the defibrillation pads, rubbing them together and making sure the machine was ready.

"Hurry", Raph breathed impatiently, even though he knew Don was already doing everything he could and more. Raph was unable to tear his eyes away from Leo's face. It was so unnatural, so scary to see him so pale, so still. His mind wanted to say it, wanted so say well, he's gone, of course he's still– but he pushed that away. He moved closer to Leo, placing his hands on his plastron while Don warmed up the machine. He pressed down, repeated it, again, again-

"I've got it", Don finally said, and Raph moved his hands away. Don placed the pads down on Leo's plastron, looking back at the monitor. The defibrillator started to beep, and when it let out a louder beep Don pressed down, Leo's body arching as a shock was sent through him.

Raphael's fingers were immediately on Leo, checking for a pulse. "Nothing", he heard himself whisper, gritting his teeth. Don readied the machine for another shock, signaling Raph to not touch Leo.

"Charging…" Don said, biting his lip and keeping his eyes on the machine. Again, when the louder beep came, Don pressed against Leo's plastron. His body arched up again, and Raphael's fingers were on his neck faster than the last time.

"No", Raph simply said, punching the floor. Don gave him no answer, instead preparing the machine for a third try. Mikey was kneeling next to Raph, shaking. "C'mon", Raph said through gritted teeth.

"Clear", Don said weakly, and Raph saw how his hands had started to shake. The shock made Leonardo arch up, but Don let out a muffled sob. "It's flat, no pulse", Don whimpered, and it was clear how hard he fought against another sob. His hands didn't move to place the pads on Leo again, so Raph pushed Don away and moved on top of Leo, placing his hands on his plastron. Inside his head he counted his pushes, three, four, five…"Mikey!" he yelled hoarsely, and Mikey kept the breathing mask on Leo's mouth with a shaky hand, giving him air every time Raph said "breath."

"Come on, Leo, come on", Raph breathed, continuing on doing the chest compressions. This wasn't the first time he had to give CPR to one of his brothers, but it had been the first time they had used the defibrillator. He could feel how Don was shaking, probably in a shock about the fact he had had to use it on Leo.

Bullshit! Had Leo completely bullshitted him, saying I could be revived, had he even believed it himself? Had Raphael let Leo drown, believing he wasn't going to wake up again? It didn't matter what Leo had been thinking – it mattered that Raph had let this happen in the first place. How could he?

CPR was always hard for them; their hard plastrons made pressing difficult, and their beaks certainly weren't designed for giving mouth to mouth. Raph would've been afraid of breaking something inside Leo's chest if he wasn't so desperate; they were running out time. Leo needed to wake up. Now. There was no way he wouldn't make him wake up.

"Raph, let me…" Don said shakily, moving closer, but Raphael shook his head angrily. "No, use the – use the thing", Raph commanded, wondering how he had remembered its name before.

Don picked up the defibrillator he had already abandoned, and Raph stopped pressing Leo's chest only when the machine was beeping again.

"Clear", Don announced tiredly, pushing down. But the shock wasn't enough, and this time Don couldn't stop the sob that escaped his mouth. Raph pushed him aside, again.

"Don", Mikey whispered, moving to his brother who had hid his face behind his hands. Raphael would've admired Mikey for his bravery, being able to comfort Don, but he was too busy counting his presses. He didn't have the strength to keep this going on, yet he kept doing it anyways.

"Fuck Leo, fucking come back", Raph rasped, tearing the mask away from his face and bending down to give Leo mouth to mouth. He lifted Leo's chin up, breathing against him.

He kept going, kept cursing, but Leo was and stayed limp. As Raph watched his unresponsive form he saw Leo in his mind, when the submarine had been filled with water. He saw the trust in his brothers eyes, and he couldn't contain the scream that left him.

"LEO! You're all about not giving up – what the fuck is this? What's holding you back, asshole?" Raph let his anguish finally take form, and he couldn't stop himself for slapping Leo's cheek. His head lolled to the side, and it broke Raphael's heart. So he slapped him again. Harder. "Wake the hell up!"

Seeing this made Mikey and Don both reach forward. "Raph-", Mikey tried, but Raphael's voice rose above his as he screamed his brothers name. It resembled the scream he had let out after Leo had went limp on his arms, but this time his voice was raw and tired, so disappointed, so hurt.

"You told me – you said –", his voice failed him, his throat was too abused. But he swallowed, shaking Leo's shoulders and slapping him once more before he could be stopped by his brothers. "Fight – you always do!"

The sound from the skin of his palm connecting with Leo's cheek echoed in the now silent submarine.

Don stared numbly at Leo as Mikey turned his head away. It was his turn to hide the sobs, but he wasn't nearly as good at that as Don was. Raph brushed his face with his hand, unable to believe this.

It wasn't supposed to go like this.

He lowered his hand on Leo's face, gently brushing his cheek where a mark from his slaps was already forming.

His vision swam. He didn't know if it was grief or anger, most likely a mixture of them both. At the same time he felt hollow; this couldn't be happening.

In return to Raphael's touch Leo's head was pressed against Raphael's fingers as the leader coughed, his eyes fluttering half-open. Raphael felt his heart drop, and immediately it bounced up in his throat. He grabbed Leo's face with both hands as Leo was still coughing, and Don hurried to grab the breathing mask and helped Raph place it over Leo's mouth. Leo's tired eyes searched the room around him, but he was too confused, too cold to really understand why his siblings were staring down at him with different expressions. All he knew was that he was hurting, and seeing his brotherss made him hurt a bit less. He smiled weakly, but couldn't help frowning when he noticed the tears in the corner of Mikey's eyes.

"Asshole", Raph whispered, and slowly Leo remembered. He then understood the tears, feeling cold not only outside, but inside as well. He knew what he had just put his brothers through, especially Raphael.

He reached weakly for Raphael's hand. Raph grabbed it, giving his hand a light squeeze.

Well, Raphael had done what he had promised to do back in the submarine.

He'd slapped Leo. More than twice.