"I'm trying to figure out what direction I should be moving in."

"What direction are you currently moving in?"

"I'm not sure i'm moving." - HONY

She awoke with a start, jerking upright and gasping into the dark. Frannie looked up from her spot on the floor next to her, before settling down again. Amanda put her hand to her chest, feeling her heart racing before it went up to her face, running back over her bangs and into her hair. The nightmares had become worse since telling, and with the time off she was "not-so-ordered" to take, she feels like it's on her mind all the time. She was trying to stay on track, not drinking, not gambling, not sleeping with inappropriate men and trying to fill that void in her soul. But in the early mornings, when she wakes like this, she knows it's not working. That really she isn't worth anymore than what those men think she is, that deep-seeded belief that she did this to herself, that if she could only just gain some sort of control then everything would be alright.

She lay down with a sigh, patting the bed next to her so Frannie would jump up and join her. Hoping to not feel so alone. She breathed deeply as she pet the dog next to her, reorganising her thoughts, pushing it down, getting some control back to her mind. She wasn't going crazy. She could handle this. She could keep on pretending until she actually believed it didn't happen. Though, now that it had been said, it was harder to keep up that pretence. Someone out there knew her story, and they believed her. It gave her a flicker of hope that everything could be okay. She thought back to that afternoon, after she'd told him. She was surprised that the words came out so easily, but this was Barba, he was professional to a fault, she could tell him and know that he wouldn't look at her with that look, the one of pity for all she'd been holding in for so many years.

She remembered the silence after she told him. The look in his eyes as he swallowed before opening his mouth to say something, stopping himself and then starting again.

"Amanda..."

She couldn't find any words and just shrugged again, looking up at him with tear filled eyes.

"Do you think you can use it?"

"Your testimony?" His mind was a beat behind and he shook his head a little and looked away from her face and how she looked so small on the witness stand. "I'll argue my best to get it in. I promise." He added as an after thought, watching her build herself up again.

"I'm okay," she told him as she stood up, knowing he had been watching her.

He nodded as he turned and grabbed their coats from behind him, handing hers over. He kept his back turned as she put it on, searching the pockets for a tissue and wiping the tears from her eyes. After he heard her blow her nose he turned back and gave her a tight smile.

"I'll let you know how it goes."

She nodded and they walked out of the courtroom together.

She was grateful for him and the way he just kept going. She'd seen the concern in his eyes, but he read her well and kept himself professional.

Amanda turned her head to look at the clock, it was still early but she wasn't about to get anymore sleep, so she pushed back the covers and got up. This was her fourth day off and she was already going crazy. She wasn't good at doing nothing, at having no plans and nothing to focus on. She'd agreed with Olivia that two weeks was an appropriate amount of time to take off. Olivia had wanted longer, she had wanted nothing at all, so it was as good as compromise she as going to get, but she already felt like she was slowly going insane. Her house was spotless, she was exhausted every night for all the running she did whenever she felt herself tripping over her thoughts, when the apartment felt too small and that her head too full. She knew she couldn't face another day like that. She showered and dressed and decided to go into the city. There was no harm in maybe even looking in on the precinct, having the opportunity to just chat to someone who wasn't Frannie or the young kid behind the counter at her corner market. Having a plan made her feel more settled and she smiled as she shut her front door behind her.

The day was cold and she stood looking up at the entrance to the precinct, now that she was here she had lost some of her nerve. She was sure Olivia knew what had happened between her and Patton, and despite what she had said to Fin, she knows how preceptive he actually is and knows he would've figured it out by now after all that drama in the court room. The only person she thinks would be mostly clueless is Nick. He knew something went down, but the rest would be pretty shady. Sometimes you really did have to spell it out for him. In this moment she was glad for that. She didn't know how she'd deal with him yet.

She had obviously been standing there in a trance because she missed the person coming out of the building and heading straight towards her until he said her name. Amanda jumped and took a step back and Rafael Barba raised his hand up and stepped back a little also.

"I didn't mean to startle you."

She nodded.

"Are you going in? I thought you were on some time off?" He continued.

Amanda recovered her voice. "I just needed some air, somehow ended up here..."

He gave her that look that she knew well, that he wasn't buying her story but he didn't say anything. However his looked softened somewhat as he watched her take a big sigh and turn away from the building. She looked lost, which was perhaps worse than how she looked on the stand, because this was not a Detective Rollins he knew.

"Would you like to get some lunch?" His question startled her and she slid her eyes across to him warily. They'd never had a meal together. Not like him and Olivia had. She wanted to say no, he already knew more about her than most people, but she was sick of feeling so alone, and really what did she have to go back to at home? She nodded and turned towards him and he took that as all the cue he needed to start walking, knowing that she would follow.

They made zero conversation apart from the weather and how bitterly cold it was getting, both rugged up tight in their coats and hats. And Amanda was relieved when they arrived at the little "hole in the wall" joint and sat down in the warmth. This was not a place she expected to ever see the smartly dressed ADA, and her expression obviously showed that because he chuckled lightly before saying, "It might not look like much, but I swear they make the best bowl of pasta you've ever eaten."

"That's a pretty high thing to say," she countered and she sat and looked around.

"I never lie." Barba replied. "Especially about good food."

The look on his face and the way he said it made her laugh out loud and it felt good. She was doing something normal, she was out at lunch, she was laughing. She felt lighter.

He noticed the mood change and hid a small smile behind his menu. He knew her well enough to know that she kept an awful lot to herself, and he'd watched her when she'd come to them about Patton and how she'd kept those walls up, not trusting them with the truth even to put him away. That's why her confession felt so intimate to him. She was so determined to keep everyone out, to keep everything okay, but she'd let him see her. He didn't take that lightly, and he wasn't about to betray that to anyone.

The conversation stalled after they ordered. With nothing to focus on, Amanda realised they hadn't actually really had a conversation that wasn't work related before. And since she was out of the loop in that respect, she couldn't think of anything to say. She fidgeted with the napkin and looked up at him. He didn't seem to be having the same feeling and looked straight at her.

"How are you doing?"

She hitched a breath, intending to give her standard reply of "i'm fine", but on looking up at him her lie got caught in her throat. He looked at her with no expectation for anything and it was comforting. Plus, he already knew the worst.

"I'm...doing okay." She shrugged and he raised an eyebrow in her direction. "I'm bored..." she ducked her head again. He smiled at that one,

"I'm not sure i'll be good on enforced leave either," he told her with some sympathy.

"With all the caffeine you consume, you'd be bouncing off the walls with nowhere to direct your energy," she teased.

"I do have a life you know."

"Ah ha." She reached for her drink as the waiter bought their meals. They fell into a comfortable silence while they ate.

"I told you it was good," he said after awhile as he watched her twist some pasta around her fork.

"Just what I needed, a big bowl of comfort -" she stopped herself before finishing the sentence, but he guessed it anyways. There she was, telling him too much about herself again.

"Sometimes we all just need a big bowl of pasta," he said with a hint of defeat in his voice. She looked up at him then, actually seeing the strain on his face.

"Tough case?"

"Just your usual clusterfuck."

She smirked at that one. She'd seen snippets of the case on the news, but couldn't really bring herself to follow it.

"You'll work it out, you always do."

He shrugged at that, but accepted her trying to placate him with a smile. "Speaking of work, I guess I should head back."

He watched her carefully, seeing her deflate slightly. He had no idea what could be going through her head right now, but he knew that feeling of isolation. He signalled for the cheque and put some money down, brushing away her bills as she went to contribute. "Comfort food is on me today."

She smiled gratefully at him as they put their coats back on and headed back out to the frigid air.

"Thank-you for lunch," she smiled as she looked down the street, working out where she was. He paused in putting on his gloves, weighing up his next words "You have my number right?" she looked surprised and gave her head a small nod. "Good. You can use it if you like. Anytime." He rested his hand lightly on her forearm before offering her a tight smile. "I really have to go, i'll see you around Detective Rollins."