And I'm BACK! As usual, this was supposed to be a short fic that dealt with Oliver's death and what our favorite couple's reunion could be like because it hurt too much (as much as the 41 days we had to wait) and then, obviously, it turned into a monster. This story is 93 pages long, and it'll be divided into 4 parts that should be updated very quickly (quicker than it took me to write it, that's for sure).

I've been so busy writing this story that I haven't been able to keep up with the spoilers. Therefore, I'm 99% sure that none of what is told in this fic is going to happen. But it doesn't hurt to try, heh? Also, it will hopefully help you wait for the three remaining days before the show is back on air. Beware of the massive angst. I am however guaranteeing a happy ending to that story, if only because I'm convinced that we won't get it soon enough on the show.

Thanks to Lily Anthea for testing the story and Mawwaw for editing my numerous mistakes.

Without further ado…

THE SECOND THING

PART I.

LEFT BEHIND

"And the second thing?"

She almost forgets he mentioned two things. She's still focused on not clinging to him. Her mind is still fogged by the lingering kiss on her forehead. She wishes she'd had the strength to lift her head up. Kiss him on the mouth. But he probably still regrets kissing her at the hospital.

He turns to face her, and her breath catches in her chest. She can't be trembling, she has to be strong. She can't show him how terrified she is. Her eyes are misty, but Oliver looks confident. In peace. Which, she'll admit, scares her shitless.

"I love you."

She doesn't have time to choke; the words barely register in her brain. In a second, she's brought back to that moment in the mansion.

"I love you."

It echoes in her head, as the feeling of his lips against hers ghosts on her skin and the next thing she knows, Oliver is smiling at her, shouldering his bag and spinning on his heels like he's just going home after a hard day of work and he hasn't dropped a truth bomb on her. He walks towards the stairs as if he weren't walking to his death. He's said "I love you" again, and again he doesn't expect her to say it back, and she realizes that she was wrong earlier that day when she implied that Oliver regretted kissing her.

He is already walking away, fading from her view, and the words are fighting to come out of her mouth. I love you too, she wants to say, but they get caught in her throat because it sinks in that, truly, Oliver is saying goodbye and…

Her hands are ice cold. She's terrified.

His foot lands on the first step. He hasn't turned around, not even for a last look. He's not expecting her to say it back. If she says it back… What if he takes it as her goodbye? What if she tells him and he accepts to die? What if he sees it as absolution for sacrificing himself? She can't help but hope that he wants to hear her say the words. That he didn't ask her to do it now so he would have a reason to come back to her.

Oliver opens the door that leads upstairs and Felicity's heart stops beating because this is it.

He's going to step away, and that might be the last memory she ever has of him.

Before she realizes it, she takes a step towards him, to beg him to wait, but the door closes and she finds herself alone, standing in the cold basement of the foundry, alone with the four words that she needs to hear herself say while he's still around.

"I love you too."

Diggle thinks that Felicity handles the whole thing pretty well for the first twenty-four hours. She keeps saying that Oliver can defeat Ra's Al Ghul, that he seemed really confident when they spoke, that she has faith in him and that he has so many incentives to come back.

"His sister, his city, his mission…"

Diggle doesn't tell her that she's probably the biggest incentive Oliver has because he's not sure where they left things at, if she believes that Oliver loves her, or if that won't make it worse if he doesn't return.

Roy nods every time Felicity says something about Oliver, about how the place he was supposed to go to must be far but she doesn't know where it is, but Diggle stays quiet. He kisses the top of Felicity's head, and hugs her side, but he has that gut feeling that he knows Felicity feels too.

Diggle knows deep down that Oliver will not be coming back.

He tells Roy to go hang out with Thea and stays in the foundry with Felicity while she rambles and looks at her programs. She's stuck in her head, her eyes looking nowhere, and he knows she's regretting things, that she's considering every outcome, playing out every "what if" in her head. It isn't healthy but the truth is, Diggle is doing the very same thing.

Maybe he should have forced his presence on Oliver. Maybe he should have been there for him, a silent vigil of support.

Diggle sighs, exhausted, around two a.m., and Felicity seems to be registering that it's really late. She tells him to go home to his baby and his fiancée, with a genuine smile that's somehow filled with as much happiness as it is with sadness.

"Only if you go home too," he states, staring at her sternly.

But Felicity shakes her head.

"I don't want him to be alone when he comes back."

She says it simply but she avoids his eyes and Diggle begins to think that Felicity really does believe that Oliver will defeat Ra's Al Ghul. In fact, Diggle wonders if Felicity isn't in complete denial of the possibilities. He wonders if she has admitted to herself that she just can't fathom a world in which Oliver doesn't walk back through that door, back to her and if she's just holding onto that thought for dear life.

Diggle can't decide if it's admirable or tragic.

"John… I don't wanna die down here."

What an impressive idiot. Diggle wipes a hand over his face in exhaustion, cursing Oliver and his stupid stubbornness, then kisses Felicity's head once more.

"Let me know okay?" he tells her.

Felicity nods, saying nothing, but he doesn't miss the moisture in her eyes. He wants to stay with her, but Lyla is still very much in pain after her boomerang attack and baby Sara can feel all the anxiety. He presses Felicity's hand in support and goes home.

When he comes back early in the morning, he finds Felicity sitting up in the bed she bought for their leader, looking searchingly for Oliver, and his gut feeling worsens. The way her face falls upon seeing him breaks his heart, but it's nothing compared to how quickly she brushes her reaction away, smiling bravely, as if chiding herself for doubting Oliver even a second.

"Go back to sleep," Diggle tells her, but he knows it's in vain.

He tries to ignore how she jumps to her feet when the door opens again half an hour later to let Roy in. The truth is, he can't imagine what Felicity might be feeling when he, John Diggle, already feels crushed when he realizes it's not Oliver.

One look is all it takes for Roy to understand that his mentor isn't back. Felicity has already turned towards her computers. A second look at Diggle proves that he isn't the only one losing faith and growing scared of Felicity's potential reaction.

"No news, heh?" he asks anyway.

"He'll be back. It might take some time but he'll come back."

Her voice wavers. Diggle clenches his jaw, and forces a smile. They stay there in complete and heavy silence until one of her programs pings. It's an escape from Iron Heights. Felicity frowns, throws a yearning look at Oliver's suit in the case, then takes one deep breath and tells everyone where to go and what to do.

Roy gears up, and Diggle forgets for a second that Oliver isn't there. They do their usual thing, Roy stepping up impressively, staying very focused since he doesn't have his mentor watching out for him, Felicity's voice in their ears. It feels weird without their leader but it works out in the end. When they come back, Felicity is waiting for them and does her own usual thing: she checks them up, makes sure they're not too wounded. Her eyes linger behind Diggle's shoulder, where Oliver is supposed to be standing but she shakes her head briefly and walks back to her desk.

The fact that she stays quiet, for the first time in a day and a half, proves him that Felicity's genius brain can't rationalize why it's taking Oliver so long to come back. At that point, Diggle's stomach is one heavy twisted knot that makes him sick. He kind of chokes. It's too hot everywhere and his muscles ache all over.

The waiting is the worst. The not knowing part. It was the same thing with Andy. He remembers having the exact same reaction that day. An intuition of sorts that something was going to go wrong. But it can't happen twice, right? He's already lost one brother, he can't lose a second one, can he? Surely, fate wouldn't be that harsh. There had to be a point where they were cut some slack.

Focusing on Felicity allows him to ignore the pain that is spreading from his stomach to his loins, to the point where his own heart feels stuffed with cold. He notices that she's staring emptily at the fern she offered Oliver. Her eyes are distant again, while her fingers idly play with a leaf and her teeth bite her bottom lip. Roy is walking in circles, his arms folded across his chest.

"He has to come back," Felicity mutters suddenly.

Roy stops walking but doesn't look at her.

"You know Oliver will do anything to come back," Diggle says softly.

It's good to be comforting her. Comforting her means getting out of his own head, means shutting down his own growing pain.

"He told me he loved me. I didn't say it back on purpose."

Diggle can only tilt his head in surprise. What? Felicity turns empty eyes on him, and slowly they become alive with a terrible anxiety that hits Diggle immediately. The guilt and the worry is eating her from inside and she's grown terribly good at hiding it.

"I didn't say it back, because I didn't want him to think it was okay to die. But it was stupid, God, I'm so stupid. He wouldn't… What if he dies, Digg? What if he's dead? And I could have told him, and…"

Diggle's arm snakes around her waist and drags her against his chest. She doesn't sob, she doesn't crumble, she just holds onto him with all the despair that he realizes she's been fighting off since Oliver left her in the foundry two days before.

"He has to come back," she repeats, over and over, as if saying the words would magically make it true. "He has to come back."

"He'll do everything he can to come back to you, Felicity."

"And to Thea," she says selflessly. "And to Starling City. He isn't done. Starling still needs him. Thea still needs him."

Diggle hears the words she isn't saying. And he stays quiet while Felicity distances herself from him.

"Oliver wouldn't leave Thea alone knowing what Malcolm did to her. He just wouldn't. So he's taking a little time. It's okay. He's probably really hurt and tired so he's resting somewhere, and he has no way to contact us. I wish he'd taken a tracker with him, just for my peace of mind, but who's going to make Oliver do anything he doesn't want to do, right?"

Diggle offers a little smile and nods, while Roy pales. He looks at his wrist, and shakes his head.

"I have to work. I'm supposed to do the inventory with Thea."

Felicity nods distractedly. "Have a good day!"

The door opens, then closes behind Roy. Felicity goes back to staring at the fern, her hands folded in her lap. And the wait continues.

It's already nighttime when Felicity jumps to her feet. Diggle doesn't know how she knows, but she turns around slightly before the beep of the door rings and he registers how she isn't smiling hopefully. It's stupid but he so desperately wants to see the relief on Felicity's face. He wants to see how she's struck for a second, how she closes her eyes and sags a little bit in relief and then throws herself into Oliver's arms wordlessly. He wants to laugh at how adorably stupid they are, share a look with Oliver as he tells Felicity that he'd told her he could do it.

Diggle guesses that he wants a repetition of what happened the year before when Oliver had to fight their very first mirakuru soldier.

Exactly like a year before, Felicity is standing close to the stairs, looking at the person walking down them expectantly. But she doesn't seem relieved. She becomes steel, grounded, and stoic and Diggle knows in a second that she's understood what's coming. He spots Roy at the top of the stairs, and he knows he's figured it out too.

Nyssa Al Ghul is walking down the steps, her usual badass-looking cape floating behind her but there's no pep in her step.

She doesn't look driven, or defeated, or worried, or decided. She looks resigned, and if Diggle can say so, a little sad too.

There's a beat, the Assassin acknowledging the I.T girl's presence with gravitas.

"Oliver Queen is no longer," Nyssa declares solemnly, with the utmost respect. She stares at Felicity like she's the only one in the room. "You should know that he fought well. He died like a man."

The silence that follows is the sound of Felicity Smoak's heart shattering into a million pieces.

She looks into Nyssa's eyes the whole time, as the woman hands her the bag that Diggle remembers seeing Oliver pack. Felicity doesn't look away from Nyssa as her shaking arm takes the bag from Sara's former lover. He hears her gulp. Then she clenches her jaw and her eyes are as steely as her silhouette.

"Get out."

It's not a loud voice. It doesn't need to be. Nyssa nods quietly and turns around.

Nyssa's words echo in the foundry, but Felicity stays rooted to her spot staring emptily at the space the woman occupied a second before, and Diggle notices that she's started shaking slightly. The truth is, he can't believe it. He can't believe Oliver's dead. He can't believe he lost. The words are spinning in his head but he can't make sense of them yet.

Diggle opens his mouth to speak, when a program pings so loud the two men both jump. Automatically, Felicity spins around and walks towards the screen. One look. Diggle wonders how she does it, because he doesn't feel like he can deal with anything right now.

"Roy, time to suit up." Her voice is raspy, throaty and strained, but it's fierce.

"What? Now?" he asks, bewildered, looking at Diggle for support.

"Felicity, I don't think…"

"There's a robbery in the financial district." She adds stubbornly. "The mission is not over. You have to go."

He stares at her hands, still clinging on Oliver's handbag, and when she realizes what he's looking at she drops everything on the floor like it just burnt her and sits on her desk chair.

"Suit up," she repeats. "Now."

Roy and Diggle exchange a look, then sigh and do as they're told. They're barely efficient, stopping the criminals just in time, but they don't wait for Captain Lance to show up to flee the scene. Felicity barely speaks in their ear. It's sharp orders and cold words of worry, like she still cares but doesn't remember how. In the end, when she tells them to come home, her voice breaks on the last syllable.

When Diggle steps inside the foundry, the lights are off for the first time since he can remember.

Felicity is gone.

There's loam and terracotta spread all over the floor. Diggle's eyes follow the trail of dirt and land on the fern laying on the ground a few feet further.

It's completely destroyed.

"Happy belated birthday!" she harrumphs as she pulls at the corners of her gift with as much strength as she can muster.

Why were those things so heavy? And tricky to handle?

"What?" Oliver jumps to his feet and stares in wonder as the mattress edges on a step and slides off the entire staircase, almost taking Felicity along as it fell.

Her instincts save her when she placates herself against the railing as the poor thing falls flat on the floor between the stairs and Oliver, who obviously doesn't know how to react.

"Okay, this was NOT supposed to happen this way. Why are mattresses so heavy?" Felicity sighs, annoyed.

His eyes are still moving from his friend to his apparent gift.

"Felicity, what is that?"

She looks at him like he's grown a second head, and it's totally not weird that people bring pieces of furniture to their secret vigilante lair. Or, as she calls it, the Arrow Cave (in secret, behind Oliver's back, but she's totally sure it's gonna catch on).

"Duh, it's a bed. Well. No, technically it's a mattress but Roy is carrying the box with the actual frames and stuff. Which, come to think of it, wasn't the best idea."

Just as she finishes her sentence, Roy appears at the top of the stairs and looks at Felicity with a dismissive shake of his head. She shrugs apologetically. So, what if Roy had been right? Maybe it was a non-Christmas miracle.

"Why are you bringing a mattress down here?" Oliver presses as Felicity bends down to pull the object of confusion up, struggling in her high heels. "And why is there a little bow on it?" he can't help but chuckle.

Felicity's grin is very self-satisfied, and she takes delight when she notices that Oliver mirrors it almost instantly.

"Well, we missed your birthday because of, you know, crazy mirakuru people attacking your city followed by freaky trips to deserted islands and, incidentally, lots of puking on my part. TMI. That was TMI, right? Anyhow, your date of birth went totally under the radar and that sucks because your birth is a good thing and we need good things to celebrate, okay?"

She sees Oliver blink at the amount of words that have come out of her mouth, while the corner of his lift up slightly.

"And what makes you think I want a bed for my birthday?"

Roy is dropping the box on the floor while Felicity manages to settle the mattress against Oliver's glass cases.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure you don't want a bed. But you most definitely need one: the Arrow can't possibly sleep on the floor and expect to be taken seriously. What would the criminals of the city say if they knew that?"

"They probably don't care," Oliver argued cleverly. "Where do you even think this is going to fit?"

Felicity hesitates between feeling offended and proud of herself.

"Oh ye of little faith!" she exclaims dramatically, punching Oliver's rock solid biceps and hurting herself a little. Not that she'll let him know (she can tell he's noticed though. But whatever).

"Seriously? How did you not notice her measuring every damn corner of the place?" Roy grumbles.

Felicity and Oliver shrug at the same time, and she knows what he's going to say before he even opens his mouth.

"She's been re-doing the foundry for two years. Felicity's always measuring stuff for new furniture."

She doesn't tell him that she knows the right measurements of his salmon ladder because that'd be weird. Right? Which, oddly, brings her back to…

"Where is Diggle? He was supposed to get you out of here while Roy and I set the bed up. I even bought sheets!"

"Of course you did," he deadpans, and she doesn't know if he's amazed or amused. "Lyla called. Weird pregnant reactions or something. He didn't exactly elaborate. That would have been TMI," he teases (she's still trying to get used to that newfound aspect of Oliver's personality. She still can't tell if he makes jokes on purpose or not).

"Oh. Hey! Where are you going?" she asks as Roy tries to sneak out of the room. The poor guy looks defeated and adamant at the same time.

"I mean… You don't really need me anymore, since it's no longer a surprise or anything. Oliver's a grown man, he can build his own bed!"

Felicity opens her mouth in slight outrage. "But! It's a gift! He's not going to set up his own gift! It ruins the entire principle of the gift! I know I said gift three times, it's important."

Roy levels Felicity with a glare that he's been sporting for the past two months. She knows very well what it means, and it makes her cheeks flush because it's the one he uses when he can no longer handle Oliver and her when they engage in weird, flirtatious banter. Even she can't handle it sometimes.

"You went to M.I.T. You can probably handle an IKEA bed on your own."

"But it says it needs two people on the box!"

"It's okay, Felicity, I'm sure we can handle it," Oliver intervenes, prompting Roy to raise his eyebrow as if to say 'see? Told you'. "Thank you."

And then Oliver does the weirdest thing and kisses her on the cheek. Her next words of annoyance aimed at Roy die in her throat while the kid huffs and spins on his heels.

"Yeah, I'm outta here. Enjoy the gift."

He mutters something that sounds a little bit like "leaving mom and dad alone" but she's not so sure, because the sound of her heart beating in her ears kind of overwhelms her for a second. Oliver has already turned to face the box Roy brought down and is opening it.

"Please tell me you didn't put bows on every part of the thing…" he mutters as he takes another one down.

She smiles impishly at him. "Roy wouldn't let me. Said I was denying your manhood or something."

"I'll thank him later."

Felicity sniffs and knocks on the door of the apartment, wondering oddly how the words are going to come out of her mouth. She has turned her phone off and she knows it's a dick move because Digg is going to be terrified after what Nyssa just told them but she can't handle anyone else's emotions right now.

She doesn't want Ray to call again, or ping her phone, she doesn't want Diggle to know where she is, she wants to… She wants to handle it the way she needs.

When Felicity got the news that Cooper had hung himself in his cell five years prior, she'd been crushed. Guilt, pain, love, loss, all of it had melted together. It was all her fault, and he'd paid the ultimate price, so the best way she could honor his sacrifice was to be the best person she could be from that day on.

Now, faced with the death of a man she had not even been dating, she just feels angry and bitter. There's guilt, and pain, and loss and love but mostly, it's all bubbling under a thick layer of hatred, of rage, of a sense of unfairness that is threatening to consume her if she didn't do anything. And she knows someone who will understand completely how she feels. Someone who is going to be sourer, more pained, more bitter than Felicity feels because she's pretty sure Oliver didn't say goodbye to her.

She can't help but think he didn't because he really thought he'd be back. Felicity doesn't know if that makes her feel better or worse. She can't tell the difference between either right now.

Laurel's door swings open and she immediately knows something is wrong.

Laurel is the woman Oliver loved most of his life. She has already lost him once, thought he was dead and dealt with it (sort of). Considering her reaction when Tommy passed away, Felicity isn't sure how Laurel is going to handle losing Oliver but the truth is, she doesn't care. Focusing on someone else's reaction sounds like a blessing because the turmoil of emotions that is overpowering Felicity doesn't seem manageable right now.

"What is it?" Laurel asks without missing a beat. "What's wrong?"

Felicity gulps and opens her mouth at the same time, as Nyssa's words ring back in her mind.

"Oliver Queen is no longer."

"It's Oliver," she says, and she has to clear her throat, brace herself for the next words.

"You should know that he fought well. He died like a man."

Like a man. How do you die like a man? What does that even mean? As opposed to what? He could have died like a woman? Like an animal? Again, a wave of anger and hatred overwhelms her for a second but it's almost instantly replaced by an abysmal feeling of endless sadness.

"This… This life that I've chosen… It only ends one way."

Screw you, Oliver Queen.

Laurel opens her mouth, because she doesn't seem to understand.

"Is he hurt?" she asks, already spinning on her heel to grab her purse behind her door. "What happened? Is it his knee again?"

Felicity gulps.

"Oliver Queen is no longer."

"He's dead, Laurel."

Her voice is so empty, even Felicity doesn't recognize it. She's almost convinced there's a third person with them.

"What?" Laurel breathes out.

Felicity blinks. Something moist is pricking her eyes and she can't see clearly anymore. She hadn't even realized she'd started crying.

"He was killed," she specifies, because it suddenly dawns on her that no one told Laurel about the new developments. "Yesterday, I think. By Ra's Al Ghul."

"What?" Laurel repeats in utter shock, her purse falling from her arm in a clinging noise that neither hears. "Why? Why would he even…? I don't understand…"

Felicity stares at Oliver's former lover, and she wants to laugh humorlessly. Because Thea trusted Merlyn. Because he manipulated everyone so Oliver would try to kill the only person the mad man fears. Because Thea killed Sara, and if the League knew they'd kill her and Oliver sacrificed himself so she could live.

What is she even supposed to say? Considering her reaction when Roy thought he'd killed Sara, Felicity doesn't trust what Laurel will do if she tells her the complete naked truth. All in all, it isn't Thea's fault.

She goes with an edited version, a great lie by omission that comes way more easily than she thought it would.

"Because the League wanted to punish Sara's death and Oliver didn't have a name to give them. Ra's Al Ghul was going to execute him for his failure, but he challenged him with a trial by combat." She forgets to take a breath. Her head is spinning. She chuckles, painfully, soullessly. "Oliver lost."

There's another heavy silence during which Laurel grips the doorframe as her knees buckle a little.

"He sacrificed himself?" she utters in a high-pitched breath.

"It's Oliver," Felicity half-shrugs, wiping a tear on her cheek. "Was. Was Oliver. We don't have a body to bury." She muses emptily, as the thought occurs to her. "Do you think the League will hand it back? I don't know how to contact Nyssa. What if we have no body to bury? What did you do last time?"

Laurel blinks repeatedly, like she didn't remember that it's not the first time Oliver has died. There has to be some irony in all of this but Felicity can't figure it out completely.

"Moira had tombstones installed in the garden of the mansion. She took Oliver's out when he came back."

"This… This life that I've chosen… It only ends one way."

Felicity blinks, as the tears in Laurel's eyes are joined by a new shade of pain.

"Thea…" she murmurs throatily.

"Can you tell her?" Felicity asks, because deep down she might have gone to Laurel so she wouldn't have to deliver the news to Oliver's sister.

She doesn't trust herself to not yell at her that Malcolm is responsible for all the pain that she's experiencing. Malcolm had Robert killed. Malcolm is responsible for Tommy dying. Malcolm is responsible for Oliver living in hell for five years. And Malcolm is now responsible for killing her last remaining family.

"I just told her about Sara…" Laurel keeps on going, talking to no one in particular. "She was so hurt and shocked… I don't think…"

Her eyes are so distant with the memory that she misses how Felicity flinches when she hears Thea and Sara's names in the same sentence.

"She deserves to know," Felicity grounds out spontaneously.

She already doesn't understand how Laurel can keep her sister's death from her father and look him in the eyes on a daily basis. She won't do that to Thea. She has a right to mourn her brother. She has a right to know what happened to him, and why, and how.

Not the whole version because damn, that would finish her off. But a cleverly edited version.

"You're right."

"It'll be best coming from you," Felicity insists, but again she's not sure it's her because the voice is empty. "She knows you. You and Oliver have history and she needs to hear it from someone who was that important to him."

Laurel gulps and smiles sadly. "You and I both know I wasn't on the top of that list anymore, Felicity."

She shrugs, refusing to hear from yet another person how much Oliver loved her, and how he would go to the end of Earth and back for her. She doesn't need to hear it. Because in the end, it's not true, is it? He's not back. And it's not like she can blame him for that.

There's only one person she can blame, really. One person responsible for all the heartache and the pain and the hatred.

"It doesn't matter. I have to go."

She doesn't really have to go, but she can't be standing there talking about Oliver being dead any longer, and not scream the place down. She's told someone. The news will spread, and she can focus on something else. She can focus on finding a way to keep going when nothing makes sense anymore.

"Are you going to be okay?" Felicity can't help but ask.

She's this close to asking Laurel whether she's going to be drinking and doesn't know where she finds the strength to shut her mouth. She's glad she manages though, because the words would be uselessly mean and unhelpful and she doesn't need to take her anger out on Laurel.

"I— I don't know. What about you?"

Laurel isn't the one responsible for Oliver's death, Felicity repeats in her head as she walks away with a sad smile as an answer. Laurel isn't responsible for Oliver's death.

"And the second thing?"

"I love you."

Or for Felicity's regrets.

When she gets home, Diggle is waiting for her and for a second she thinks it's because he wants to check up on her. But then she sees how devastated he looks, how utterly broken he appears and she realizes that he's the one who needs her. They stand there, looking at each other for a full minute and then Diggle's eyes fill up with tears, his face crumbles and what little is left of Felicity's soul crushes.

Oddly, it feels good to see John cry because she doesn't feel like she can express any emotion. It's still bubbling inside but as long as someone cries and looks shocked, she feels like she's reacting. It takes two steps for her to reach John and hug him tight.

"Where have you been?" he mumbles, still hugging her.

She sniffs, and tries to smile as he takes a step away from her.

"At Laurel's. She'll be telling Thea. I… I don't know how to tell Captain Lance because… How do I do that without coming clean about Sara?"

She can feel Diggle's gaze on the back of her head as she tries to unlock her front door.

"Have you told Lyla?" she asks distractedly.

"Yeah, I called her. I told her I'd be home soon. I wanted to check up on you."

Felicity drops her keys in the bowl next to her door and turns on the light, stepping inside her warm place. Heh. Nothing has changed inside. Still the same as two mornings ago, when she left it in a hurry to go to work. Her world is turned upside down, but on the outside, everything remains the same. There is something reassuring to this, she guesses.

"I'll be fine, Digg. Go home to your family."

"You are part of my family, Felicity."

She turns to face him as she takes off her coat and attempts to smile again. She feels so tired, suddenly.

"I've been there, remember? Dead boyfriend? It's happened to me before. I handled it fine the first time so this time? Piece of cake, probably. Because he wasn't even my boyfriend. So it should be… you know… Not easier because he's still… but…"

She trails off, gulping, forgetting what she wanted to say, and looks blankly at her kitchen barstool, not really seeing it. What was she going to say again? Diggle wipes his face with a tired hand, and sighs.

"Do you want to sleep at my place tonight? I don't want you to be alone."

Felicity doesn't know why she chuckles. But she does, and then she bites her lips.

"Believe it or not, I'm used to sleeping alone in my bed. Today's news sadly doesn't change any of that. Thanks for worrying about me but it's not necessary. I'll handle it. I'm better at doing this kind of thing alone, you know?"

"You don't have to…"

"Actually, I do. That's how I deal with this kind of news. By listening to shitty songs like All by Myself and Total Eclipse of the Heart and by watching the saddest movies ever. I'm probably gonna watch A Walk to Remember or PS I Love You. You know? See tragic love stories. Trying to put things in perspective. I mean, he survived so many times… it's not like brain tumors or cancers where you have hope for the longest time and then it's all ripped away. Right? So I'll focus on people really miserable, and I'll see that they come out the other way so me too. Eventually."

Diggle is staring at her like she's turned crazy.

"It happened today, Felicity. No one expects you to be okay tomorrow…"

But she turns her back to him again, bending down to take off her shoes.

"Yes, actually. Starling City does. Because they can never know about Oliver Queen."

"What?"

Only then does she dare look him in the eye. She thought it over in the car. It's obvious.

"We have to keep going. You're probably going to have to wear his green suit, which I know you hate doing and I'm sorry about that. But Oliver Queen can't disappear at the same time as the Arrow. And Starling City still needs a hero. We aren't done."

"Oliver's gone, Felicity, we aren't…"

"Yes, we are. We're not stopping. Or you can, I guess, but I'm not stopping. I know Roy won't stop. Laurel will probably want to give a hand."

And there's Ray's suit. Felicity has formulated a plan. She's not going to tell them right away, because she's not sure how long it will take to fully develop Ray's idea for the A.T.O.M suit, but if she develops it the right way, she can give it to Roy so he doesn't get hurt. It'll have to do for now, but hopefully soon enough she'll be able to hand him a way to be invincible.

In the meantime, she'll be able to find their next target.

"Still," Diggle insists. "We can take a few days to figure things out, take a step back and regroup."

"Tell that to the bad guys!"

"I don't care about the bad guys," he raises his voice. "Felicity, dammit, don't do this! Oliver wouldn't…"

"Don't you dare," Felicity snaps her head at him. "Don't you dare use him as an argument to regroup. Not only is it insulting, you and I both know he of all people wouldn't take the time off. He didn't for Sara. I didn't understand why then, but I do now and the least we can do is not let his mission down."

"By getting Roy killed? He doesn't have his head in the game, Felicity! He's crushed, so am I and there is no way Roy can handle Oliver's spot right now! He needs time! And frankly, so do you."

Felicity clenches her jaw and steps towards the door, opening it widely.

"Thanks again for the concern, Digg. Kiss Lyla and baby Sara for me."

Digg stares at her like he's seeing her for the first time and shakes his head. When he reaches her, he looks devastated and there's a wave of guilt that threatens to swallow her whole. He can read her better than… well, better than anyone on Earth, now. He knows why she's being so stubborn and maybe deep down he understands all of it way more than she does. He hesitates, but kisses the top of her head (thank god, not her forehead) and squeezes her shoulder.

"You can drop by my place any time, okay? I don't care what time it is. Just come."

She means to say thank you but there's too much lump blocking her throat and she can only nod.

She barely has time to close the door before she needs to press her back to it and suddenly she can't fight anything anymore. It's like her body has been waiting for her to be at that exact spot, shut off from the world in her own personal fortress of solitude, because her face crumbles, her body shakes, and Diggle's words resonate in her, her forehead is pricking and everything hurts.

She slides along the door and manages to keep all the sobs inside, but her elbow knocks the little table where her keys are and when the bowl and the table break, it feels as good as when the fern splattered on the floor.

"And the second thing?"

"I love you."

Her arms circle her legs as her head falls against her knees. And the words spin in her head, endless, like a broken record. Just like she feared, her brain is stuck on the sight of his back as he was walking away from her.

"I love you."

He didn't even give her time to reply. What was she supposed to do? Jump on him, tackle him to the ground and tell him she loved him too? He didn't even wait for an answer! He didn't want an answer! Why? Was it proof that he knew he wouldn't come back? Proof that he thought he would?

Fuck you, Oliver Queen.

Fuck you.

"And the second thing?"

"I love you."

Or was it because he thought she wouldn't say it back, even if he stayed? Did he think she didn't love him?

There's something in her chest where her heart used to be, but it's just a never-ending ache that won't ebb away, a lingering pain that makes her want to crawl out of her skin. To hurt herself outside so it hurts less inside.

Felicity begins to idly wonder how all of this began. This shitty feeling was there even before Oliver knew two things. Before he had to leave. Before he stopped trying. She could handle the break up, because they'd barely started and she is used to not getting what she wants.

No. The despair and the fear began when they walked down those stairs three months ago. When they spotted the face of a woman Oliver loved with her eyes still open in shock, and Oliver admitted quietly that Sara's fate would soon be his and that was the true reason why he couldn't be with Felicity.

"This… This life that I've chosen… It only ends one way."

It was stupid, telling him she wasn't going to wait for death with him, like it meant that she would stop having feelings for him. First of all, it was a total lie otherwise she wouldn't be lying on the floor in front of her door like a pathetic teenage girl. Maybe she should have tried to change his mind that day. Maybe she should have fought for him.

He didn't even die as a vigilante, it occurs to her. It wasn't even the life that he'd chosen that had gotten him killed. It was his sister's choice to trust Malcolm.

Malcolm.

She can channel her hatred and her rage towards him, but she knows deep down that there's nothing she can do against that poor excuse of a human being. Not only is he too strong and too crazy for her to handle him, he's also pretty smart. But mostly, as of today, Malcolm Merlyn is the last remaining member of Thea's family and Felicity knows the pain of having no father too much to try and actively destroy him.

She might feel consumed by rage and pain, but she can't bring herself to destroy Thea's life further. And Felicity is also pretty sure that Malcolm knew as well as she did that Oliver would never even contemplate the thought of risking a hair of his sister's. Using Thea was a necessary bet on Malcolm's part, a very slight risk to take for the world's craziest father.

He probably thought Oliver stood a chance. Otherwise, why even take all these risks?

Felicity wonders what Oliver's goodbye to Thea sounded like. Did she have any idea what he was truly saying? Would she look back on their last moment thinking that she had so many things to tell him and be angry because he didn't even give her a chance to say what she needed to?

"But I do know two things — the first is that whoever I am, I am someone that will do whatever — whatever — it takes to save my sister."

Maybe she can tell Thea that he said that. That he loved her beyond anything. Anyone. She doesn't know how, without blowing Oliver's secret. But she can figure it out.

"And the second thing?"

Felicity curls up on the floor, and resists the need to vomit.

"I love you."

She shouldn't have asked.

The second day is the slowest. Everything goes in slow motion. Waking up. Retching. Going to work. Putting her head in Ray's project. Forgetting to eat. Not being hungry anyway. Looking for solutions to develop his suit. Dismissing his worry when she doesn't smile, doesn't respond, doesn't speak. Hesitating around five. Staying until seven. Taking her car. Parking in front of Verdant.

She's done this before, she has to remind herself. Walk to Verdant, knowing that Oliver is not anywhere close to being there. Okay, it was two years ago when they were barely even friends and she was just crushing on him (as opposed to full on head over heels in love with him). And she knew in the back of her mind that he was alive. Somewhere. As opposed to completely dead, killed by the leader of a group called the League of Assassins.

But then, she reminds herself that she didn't know Laurel, Roy was just Thea's boyfriend, and it was just Diggle and her. She's not alone. And they probably need her to keep her shit together.

She's so nervous when she reaches the door that leads to the Arrow Cave that she has to type the code in three times to get it right. As she takes the first step on the stairs, Felicity hears the sound of flesh against the bars, the effort and the breaths of someone training and she stutters and hates herself for the slight pang of hope that fleets for a second.

It's Roy. Roy is training against a dummy, focused, and sweaty, and bare-chested, Oliver-style, and there's a violence to his punches that didn't used to be there. And exactly the way seeing Diggle's face crumbled the night before soothed her, witnessing the anger and the determination on Roy's face makes her feel slightly better.

He notices her presence right away, and the look of despair he throws her way takes her by surprise. He hoped Oliver would walk back too. She's not alone, she reminds herself. They need her to keep it together.

"Hey," he says lamely.

Felicity tries to smile, but it seems like she can't do it anymore so she just nods in his direction.

"Ready to kick some serious ass?" she asks, her voice hurting.

"Diggle said…" Roy begins.

"Diggle isn't here," Felicity cuts. "Do you want to kick some bad guy's butt or do you need to regroup?"

Roy doesn't even take a second to think.

"Ass kicking. Definitely."

Felicity nods, and takes her usual seat. She's trying to get used to the pang in her chest when she hears the beep of the door opening and she can feel Diggle coming down and sighing upon seeing Roy gearing up. His aura reeks of disapproval and anger, but he doesn't say anything. John walks to the third drawer, takes a gun, and looks at Felicity.

"Where to?" he asks.

There's a pinging noise, a notification appearing on her screen, and without skipping a beat Felicity answers.

"Corner of Adams and Washington. It looks like three guys."

The boys come back two hours later, the three guys tied up after getting their asses handed to them. Diggle and Roy come back to the Arrow Cave looking more defeated than ever. Worst thing is: Felicity feels the same. She's desperately looking for another robbery. An attack. A criminal that has escaped.

But there's nothing and the emptiness creeps back in, threatening to turn her crazy. They call it a night. Roy passes a hand over the glass case where they keep the green Arrow outfit on his way out, which Felicity refuses to witness. Diggle stares at it for the longest time, as if the mannequin was going to morph into Oliver and fill it up.

"My offer still stands," Diggle whispers eventually.

Felicity nods distractedly — that's all she feels capable of doing. After another soul wrecking sigh, Diggle detaches himself from the med bed and heads out, leaving Felicity alone in the room. The last time she was there by herself, her eyes had fallen on her stupid gift, this ridiculous fern she'd offered. He'd kept it. He'd kept the bed even though he had repeated endlessly that he didn't need one. He kept everything she gave him.

"I love you."

Felicity closes her eyes as hard as she can, trying to wipe out the words from her memory.

"And the second thing?"

Shut up, Felicity. You should have shut the hell up.

"I love you."

She gulps, hits the desk with her fist to distract her brain and propels herself upward. She can't stay here. Not by herself. Not anymore. Her sight is blurred all the way up the stairs, through the empty club, and probably through the drive to Queen Consol— Palmer Technologies that she doesn't remember anyway.

There's work to do.

The night after that they almost don't find the time to get out to fight crime. Felicity comes back from work late, exhausted and irritated to find Roy working out again and Diggle waiting for her in her seat, probably to talk. She dismisses his concerns with a stern voice and he backs off but Felicity knows she's only won this round.

A few minutes later, a disheveled Thea sets camp in front of the door that leads to the basement of Verdant, eyeing the camera and saying that she knows they're here, and repeating it more and more angrily until Felicity has no other option but to let her in. Laurel arrives literally five minutes later to apologize, saying she's been trying to warn them for hours now.

What follows is a general mess of shouting, where Thea lashes out about being lied to her entire life. The words don't impact Felicity at all — to be truthful, she doesn't even hear the content of her sentences — but Thea expresses everything she has inside, her emotions are so raw that Felicity finds it resting, cathartic.

Roy takes all of Thea's spite and anger without a grunt, while Laurel and Diggle fight each other verbally, throwing responsibility at the other for revealing Oliver's secret, but Felicity stays there watching the young, lonely girl shout that they must have had fun all these years, deceiving her and keeping all these secrets from her, thinking she was an idiot.

All in all, Felicity doesn't think Thea's wrong. She has so many reasons to be angry. Her brother just died and Laurel didn't know how to answer all her questions so she went with the truth, and Thea is left all alone to reconcile her memories of her brother before the island, after the island, and this persona that apparently everyone knew about but her. Felicity's always understood Oliver's reasons for not telling Thea but she also understands why the young woman would feel like an idiot for never figuring it out and be seething at the unfairness of the world, replaying every interaction she had with Oliver in a new light now that she knows that he was the Arrow, now that she knows that he is dead.

Oliver is dead.

Something in her chest sinks to the bottom of her stomach.

Everyone is speaking at the same time, the voices turning into some background noise that helps Felicity's brain press pause when Thea's anger turns into full on bitterness.

"Malcolm was right: all the Queens know is how to lie."

There's a sudden anvil of silence that settles in the foundry, silence only broken by Felicity's boiling blood pulsating in her ears. And the feelings that have been bubbling deep down inside of her begin to surface like a tidal wave that Felicity can no longer fight.

It's everything in that sentence that unleashes Felicity's own wrath at the situation and the last memories she has of the man that she loves.

Loved.

"But I do know two things — the first is that whoever I am, I am someone that will do whatever — whatever — it takes to save my sister."

"He died to save you."

For the first time in three days, Felicity's voice is as strong as concrete. Unwavering. Stable. All heads turn in her direction, all eyes land on her face. She doesn't care. She takes a step, and the boiling anger gets injected in her words.

"You were in the crossfire. He was given a choice. He either fought Ra's Al Ghul or Starling City was set on fire and you were executed."

Laurel gasps, while Thea looks like a deer caught in headlights, and maybe Felicity isn't being fair but she finds out: she really, really doesn't give a rat's ass right now. There's nothing fair about this situation. And she's keeping so many secrets from everyone that she feels swallowed whole by them.

So screw unfairness. Screw everything. She loses herself in her indignity at the injustice that Thea will never understand fully. She's lost in the anger that the young woman will never know that he loved her so much that he let her father off the hook, and loyalty means that he forced that choice onto his teammates too.

So yeah. Unjust doesn't even begin to cover the situation.

"You can bitch about being lied to all you want but your brother sacrificed himself so you would live. Even after you left to Corto Maltese. Even after he figured out that you lied about seeing Malcolm. Even after he realized you were clearly trained by him. He didn't care. He loved you."

Thea's eyes are filling with tears, but Felicity doesn't register it.

"And the second thing?"

"I love you."

"He loved YOU."

Felicity chokes on the last word. She doesn't know who the "you" stands for at that point.

She feels the sobs in her chest and stops breathing to contain them. She doesn't remember raising her finger to point at Thea, who shrinks on herself when she takes a step in her direction.

"Everything he did, even the lying, he did for you. Trust me, there are things you do not want to know; a part of your innocence you are not ready or willing to lose. He tried to stop the Undertaking, confronting your mother and trying to fix your father's mistake after five years of hell disconnected from his humanity. He stopped Slade when everyone was crushed by your mother's death and you had shut him off completely. He saw both his parents getting killed in front of him, two of his girlfriends dying before his eyes and he always did everything he could to protect you. You have every right to be angry and bitter and enraged, because the situation sucks."

She takes a breath, her head spinning, her vision blurry once again.

"But I will not stand there and listen to you insult your brother's legacy."

There's a short beat, then all the fight leaves her and Felicity sinks in her chair. She needs a distraction before everything spins out of control and swallows her completely.

"Roy, ready to gear up for patrol?"

He gulps audibly, but nods anyway. Felicity's blinking back tears but there are too many and a few run down her cheeks. She wipes them immediately.

"There needs to be a sight of the Arrow tonight," she forces herself to say. "The green version, I mean. Not Arsenal."

Her voice is shaking. She knows Diggle hates wearing the green outfit. Never mind the fact that he'll be the only version of the Arrow that can't even hold a bow correctly, he always found the concept of suits ridiculous.

"I told my dad for Ollie," Laurel explains quietly. "Not for the Canary nor the Arrow."

"The Canary?" Thea murmurs.

"Sara," Roy clarifies.

"Sara was the…? Oh. Oh."

Felicity doesn't need to turn to know the face Thea is currently making. The "everything has just become so clear" face that she sported two years before when Oliver was in the backseat of her car.

"And if we want to keep his secret from spreading, the Arrow needs to be seen even after you told your dad."

Felicity refuses to look at Diggle.

"I don't think it's a good idea," he says.

"Well, I'd do it but you and I both know no one would take it seriously," Felicity snarks irately. She throws an irritated glare at John who looks even more worried than before. "It's just patrol. People need to know that the fight doesn't stop. Do you want to join, Laurel? We might need some reinforcement."

Everyone looks at her in surprise (shock, and worry too), then Laurel somberly nods while Diggle's jaw clenches in disapproval.

Diggle opens the case, frustrated, and takes the Arrow suit out of the box. When he reappears, Laurel looks shaken to her core and Roy gulps again. He takes the bow, and the three adults leave Felicity and Thea in the cold place by themselves. She gives them directions, and leaves the comms open, while Thea observes everything.

"Ollie said the basement was filled with water," she muses, shaking her head after ten minutes of silence.

Felicity doesn't respond.

Ollie.

"I thought that I could be me and the Arrow."

Who was "me"? Oliver? Ollie? Hadn't Ollie died with his father?

"He learnt all his ninja moves on the island?" Thea pushes, taking Felicity out of her head.

"Yeah."

"It explains so much. I don't know how I didn't… I mean…"

"Don't beat yourself up. You weren't supposed to know. Ever."

He would be so mad if he knew Thea had been told. Oliver would take everyone's head off if he could. It makes her feel a little better, if she's being honest with herself. Maybe that was a way for Laurel to get revenge on Oliver for dying. Again. Tell his sister his secret. Felicity can't say she blames her. Deep down, maybe she's a little glad that he'd be pissed. She doesn't see why she should be the only one feeling this way.

"What a jerk." Thea spits. But her face morphs immediately. "I can't… I can't believe he's… Are you sure?"

She doesn't want to talk. Much less about that day. Even less about that topic. But Felicity understands that Thea needs answers.

"Nyssa wouldn't lie. Not about this, the League is pretty old school about honor and… stuff. I'm trying to find a way to reach her, ask her for…" Her voice breaks. She can't say it this time. She can't tell Thea she wants to see Oliver's body, three days after he's been dead.

So she stays quiet. She observes the new version of Team Arrow in action. Everything goes well, the night is pretty calm and quiet — barely any thug needing to get their ass kicked. Diggle calls it a night after three hours walking in the cold.

She knows none of them are beaten up, none of them are sporting any bruise, but Felicity waits for them to come back with a thudding heart. She can't admit how thankful she is when she notices that Diggle has taken the top of the suit off outside. One look lets her know that he did it on purpose, to spare her and again a pang of guilt stabs her chest.

They get dressed into their normal attire, then Roy walks Thea home with a sad smile while Laurel thanks them for letting her help. Diggle lingers in a corner, waiting in the deafening silence that suddenly oppresses them.

Felicity stays seated for a minute, considering her options for the night (going to Palmer Tech or staying in the Arrow Cave to look for Nyssa) then stands to tidy the cave like she often does when her eyes catches a green spot in the area where Diggle keeps his bags and she stops dead in her tracks.

It's the fern that she destroyed the first night.

She can't believe Diggle kept it after cleaning after her. Felicity stares at it, thunderstruck, the sight stirring a dangerous mixture of repressed feelings that suddenly burst open and the bubbles of emotions aren't just bubbles anymore. They're the same tidal wave that overcame her a few hours before and this time, Felicity has no strength, no capacity to keep them at bay.

She looks at the fern, and she's swallowed by the same need to destroy it as before, except she can't. She can't do it again.

She can't do it again.

Her face crumbles and her knees buckle but Diggle is there in a second, holding her like he's been waiting for this moment since the beginning and she's pretty sure he cries along with her.

She doesn't know why the fact that he kept the fern is so important to her, why she's so relieved and hurt at the same time. It's just a fern.

(except it's not just a fern and Diggle knows it. She knows it.)

"And the second thing?"

Felicity weeps in Diggle's shirt, her glasses pressing painfully in her skull as she buries her head against his chest and finally accepts that Oliver's never going to wear the suit again, that he will never grin at her again, that he won't ever snap at her, or squeeze her shoulder, or kiss her forehead, or give her time to say the words back.

Her body is wracked with painful sobs, as she finally lets the words out.

"I loved him too."

Diggle holds her tighter.

"I know," he says in her ear. "I know."

That night, Felicity sleeps on Diggle's couch.

[NEXT: PART II — THE HOPE]

Next chapter will have some Oliver. (and more angst) But I can promise you the happy ending.

I hope that you liked that first part! Let me know what you thought. And see you soon for part II!