A/N: Written with my little sister over a Google Doc. I did most, however. No, I am not ashamed.

Once upon a time, in a magical land called Scranton, there lived two office workers named Jim and Dwight.

Jim didn't know it, but Dwight was very gay for him.

Dwight knew that Jim had a thing for the secretary, but he always hoped, dreamed, and believed that one day, Jim would be his.

When Jim walked into work today, Dwight couldn't help but stare. He looked different today.

Jim had walked into work wearing ridiculously tight leather pants, a small and quite revealing leather vest, and a dark and intriguing pair of leather gloves. Dwight was perplexed, to say the least-was this another one of Jim's crazy pranks?

Jim sauntered over to his desk, but before he could plant his sweet behind on his little chair, he turned away from Dwight and stuck his butt towards the man, wiggling his hips. "You like that, Dwight? Huh? You like that?" Jim crooned.

Dwight gasped, his face turning red as a beet from his beet farm. "I-idiot. That outfit is not work appropriate. I will report this to HR!"

"No, Dwight, what's not work appropriate is leaving your issue of Men in Leather Monthly on your desk." Dwight closed his mouth to stifle his argument in his throat; it was true, he had brought the magazine with him to work one day after accidentally packing it in his suitcase. Jim must have noticed after Dwight found the magazine among his files and hastily stuffed it into his drawer.

At Dwight's look of guilt, Jim high-fived himself. "Alright, Jim! Another successful prank. Go me!"

Looking down, Dwight attempted to look focused on the papers on his desk. He chose to ignore Jim for the rest of the day to save himself the embarrassment.

Unfortunately for Dwight, Jim was trying everything in his power to embarrass his co-worker. Though he had changed out of the ridiculous outfit (because Michael took one look at it and decided HE wanted to dress like a leather-clad gay man, and Lord knows no one needed to see that) Jim was still making Dwight squirm with his flirtatious attitude. Jim was using every trick in the book: dropping things so that he could pick them up and give Dwight a good look at his plump bum, 'accidentally' brushing up against Dwight and lingering much too long, and handing Dwight a bunch of bananas with a note that said, "You're my little monkey." It was almost too much for Dwight.

After hours of enduring (and secretly enjoying) Jim's behavior, Dwight couldn't take it anymore. He needed this cruelty to end. He began forming a plan.

Later that day, while Jim was busy talking to a client on the phone, Dwight stood up and stretched. "Oh man," he announced loudly to his co-workers, "I've been sitting so long, I - oops!" Dwight exclaimed as his pants fell to the floor. "Oh, I'm sorry everyone," he said in mock seriousness, "Looks like my pants were too loose. Let me just put them back on." With that, Dwight slowly, carefully stooped down, making sure his butt was in the direction of Jim's face. Dwight could hear Jim's voice trail away as he bent down. Finally, slowly, Dwight pulled up his pants, listening as Jim coughed and tried to continue his conversation with his client. Dwight smirked. Phase 1 of his plan: complete.

Later that day, Dwight attempted Phase 2. He watched Jim as he wrapped up an apparently frustrating phone call. Jim let out a heavy sigh as he hung up the phone, tension thick in the air. Dwight saw it as the perfect opportunity to strike. "Hey, you look stiff. Let me massage your hot bod." Without waiting for permission, Dwight came around the desk, got behind Jim, and started rubbing his neck. Jim immediately tensed, but relaxed when he felt how soft and strong Dwight's hands were. Dwight was barely aware that Pam at reception was watching, and probably others too. He was unexpectedly mesmerized by the feel of Jim's slender neck and back, and would have continued the massage in a trance if not for Andy's interjection.

"Tuna!" Andy exclaimed, "How come you're the one getting a massage while I'm sitting here mourning the loss of Cornell blah blah Cornell Cornell blah Cornell blah blah blah Cornell blah blah…" Andy's voice faded into nonsense in Dwight's mind. He wouldn't let anyone ruin this moment. This was a moment for him, Jim, and his precious bobbleheads to enjoy- and enjoy it they did.

When Dwight's phone rang he reluctantly released Jim's shoulders. Jim sighed at the loss of contact, then watched as Dwight answered his phone. What's going on with Dwight? wondered Jim. Dwight caught Jim staring at him out of the corner of his eye, and tried not to smile. "That's right lover-boy, you know you want me. Heh heh, looks like Phase 2 is complete. What? Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Gardener, no, I wasn't talking to you… no, no, I'm not asking you to take a 3 phase course on self defence again, I learned the first time."

Later in the day, Dwight decided now was the time for Phase 3. This phase was the simplest of the bunch, but it was also the most risky; he was going to break so many moral and social codes with this phase. He only prayed that it would work in his favor.

When Jim made his way to the bathroom, Dwight trailed quietly behind. This is it, this is it, don't screw this up Schrute, you got this, Dwight mentally pumped himself up before following Jim into the bathroom.

Jim walked toward one of the two urinals against the wall, unzipped his pants, and let his pee fly free. Dwight moved beside him, undid his own fly, and let his willy loose. As Jim looked up and urinated, Dwight made his move. Quickly, but with the stealth of a leopard about to pounce on its prey, Dwight leaned over. "Looks like the Confederate flag Mose clips to the clothesline in the backyard isn't the only thing that's well-hung," Dwight whispered hungrily into Jim's unsuspecting ear.

That did the trick, Jim flung himself into Dwight, mouths colliding, and the two engaged in a passionate kiss before Jim pulled away. "I... I don't know why I did that."

"I do. You have become aroused, because all day, I have been successfully seducing you. Engaging in foreplay as a result of being aroused is human nature, Jim. Well, human, bear and Sasquatch nature, anyway."

"Shut up Dwight," Jim laughed, and made sure to keep Dwight quiet by kissing him one more time.