Mikau: Hello and welcome everyone! Thanks so much for checking this out. This is actually a sister fic to Falling in Love Literally (HakuSera), but they both stand on their own yet complement each other, so you don't have to read FLL to understand what's going on here. This is eventually going to be KaiShin, but it's a slow progression, starting from them just meeting. So all of my FLL people who aren't KaiShin fans will probably enjoy the Kaito and Conan friendship the first couple chapters, and then you can just drop out as soon as it gets too shippy for you. Sound fair? Excellent. Anyway, I'm really excited about this, showing Kaito and Shinichi becoming friends and teaming up, hopefully some of Kaito working with the FBI, and, of course, Kaito plotting to get Hakuba and Sera together. Those are my plans anyway. Now I'll just shut up and let you read. Thanks in advance!
Disclaimer: If I owned it, the audience would be filled in on more of the details. I think it's really fun when the audience knows some big secret that the characters don't. It's exciting to wonder when they'll figure it out or to watch a scene unfolding and scream "He's your brother! Tell her that you're her brother!" But Aoyama-sensei seems to like to keep the readers in the dark. Most of the time we don't know as much as the characters do.
…
Chapter One: Flickering
The door closed, and the smile melted off of Kaito's face like the clocks of Dali's Persistence of Memory.
He didn't even bother stretching out his arm to fumble for the lights as he trudged through the cold, lonely house and upstairs to his bedroom. Six steps to the stairwell and then thirteen up it. Ten more down the hall for a total of twenty-nine steps too many for the exhausted teen.
He dragged his feet like the walking dead over to his bed and collapsed.
The old springs creaked and groaned under his weight as if he were as heavy as his current mood.
Kaito didn't have the energy to change into his pajamas or even pull down the covers to properly climb into bed, so he buried his face in the pillow and just lay there as still as a corpse until he had no choice but to move his head slightly to breathe. As he gasped for air like an asthmatic, the hot, briny tears finally broke through the surface and began to trickle down his face.
After two and a half years, Aoko was finally starting to give up on him.
They'd been eating lunch up on the roof earlier that day, and she was strangely quiet.
Kaito had tried all of his usual ploys in order to get her to smile, but…
It was like Aoko was mentally off traveling the universe. She didn't seem to hear him or see what he was doing. But then she thoughtfully pressed a piece of sushi to her lips, took a bite, chewed deliberately, swallowed, and said in a distant voice, "Kaito hasn't been around lately."
The magician froze, onigiri halfway to his mouth. He frowned slightly, bit his lip, and replied, "Yeah. Sorry about that, but…you know with my job, it's a little…"
"The job that you can't tell Aoko anything about," she mumbled, gazing down rather blankly into her bentou.
"Y-Yeah." Kaito swallowed hard, wishing he had a better excuse.
Over the years, his work as Kid had become more and more time consuming as he refined his art. There was an incredible amount of research to do about the jewels themselves, and he also had to keep up on the latest thieving techniques. Then there were the blueprints of the local museums as well as their security features which were constantly being upgraded.
All of those tasks demanded his attention on top of looking into possible Pandora candidates. There was recon to do, inventions to test out and reconfigure. It took time to concoct those clever riddles of his. And he had to come up with baffling new tricks to stay one step ahead of the Taskforce and Tantei-kun.
Things had eased up a little since Hakuba found out about Snake and Pandora, but the Taskforce had some young new recruits that could keep up with Kid a little better than the original squad. Kaito had to be mentally and physically sharp in order to stay out of jail and save the world. This necessitated an hour or two of physical conditioning daily.
When you threw in getting ready for university in the spring and doing enough of his homework not to flunk senior year, Kaito just didn't have time for shopping with the girls or accompanying Aoko on her trips to the grocery store or even just coming over to watch a movie and eat dinner together.
And it sucked.
Kaito wanted nothing more than to spend time with the girl he liked, even though he knew nothing could happen between them until after Kid was a thing of the past. He couldn't put her in danger, couldn't tell her how he felt about her with the same mouth that taunted her father at heists.
There was a thick wall of bulletproof glass between them that Kaito couldn't get through. He couldn't break it down or climb over it. All he could do was stare through it at her slightly distorted form and listen to her muffled voice and curse himself for letting The One get away all because of his stupid vigilante crusade.
"I really am sorry, Aoko. This is just something that I have to do," he replied in that gentle, serious, apologetic tone that he rarely used with her (but that she deserved to hear more often). "…I'm guessing that I missed something important?"
Aoko shook her head slowly, still not looking at him. "Not really." She shrugged, popping an octopus-shaped wiener into her mouth. "Kaito hasn't been around much, but…Yamada-kun has been hanging out with Aoko."
Kaito stilled, his body tensing.
"Aoko and Yamada-kun have been hanging out the past month, and it's been really fun," she continued but then paused as if she were waiting for him to say something.
He felt as if there were some magic words he was supposed to read or scripted lines that she was waiting for him to recite. All Kaito could come up with was, "That's good, Aoko. I'm glad you haven't been lonely without me around. I'm…I'm glad you're having fun."
It was a lie, like two-thirds of everything that came out of his mouth nowadays. He didn't want her with another guy. If he wasn't hamstringed by the whole Kid problem, he would have gone right up to Yamada and pranked the hell out of the weasel.
But Aoko was lonely, and Kaito couldn't be there for her. He was failing his duties, and someone else was picking up the slack. It made him want to quit so bad. He wanted to say screw it to his alter ego and Pandora, the Organization, Snake and his goons, his father—all of it. He wished he could just be Kaito for her again with no other responsibilities or obligations than to spoil her rotten and treat her like the precious woman she was to him.
Aoko frowned ever so slightly at his answer. Those hadn't been the words she'd been waiting for.
She took a long sip of her yuzu juice to stall before dropping the bomb on him: "Yamada-kun asked Aoko out."
Kaito's mouth dropped open, and his eyes widened. His ears started ringing. He felt lightheaded. And cold. Strangely cold for this early in fall.
"…And what did you say?" Kaito asked in a very tiny, hollow voice.
This was only a bad dream. Or she was messing with him. This wasn't happening.
"Aoko said that she needed to think about it." For the first time in the entire conversation she looked up at him, and her clear, captivating, peacock blue eyes cut through him.
It felt like one of his lungs had been punctured as Aoko looked at him and continued, "What does Kaito think?"
Kaito's gut instinct was to give up his night job, his father's mission and tell her that she didn't need Yamada because Kaito was the one that was going to make her happy and grow old with her. But he knew he couldn't turn his back on an Organization so willing and eager to kill. Kaito had a job to do, and his own happiness had to be put on the backburner when pitted against the safety of others.
So Kaito stapled on an artificial smile (the kind she'd long since stopped seeing through) and replied, "Just…does he treat you right? …Make you happy?"
She nodded, shocked at his words. It didn't take a psychic to see she was disappointed, that she had wanted him to jump in and get possessive and over-protective, to claim her as his own.
"Then that's good," Kaito replied halfheartedly.
Aoko only heard the words, not the tone, she was hit so hard by his seeming lack of reaction. Didn't he care for her?
The truth was that he cared too much. He loved her enough to let her go.
"Then maybe Aoko will go out with Yamada-kun." She gave him one last chance.
"Yeah," Kaito whispered with a nod, stuffing the entire onigiri in his mouth before he could lose his nerve and take it all back.
…
Kaito went to the nurse's office after lunch so that he could lie down and sleep off the nightmare his life was fast becoming.
Aoko and Hakuba came after school to escort him home, and he'd kept up a false, cheery front that hadn't quite fooled the detective; however, soon enough they were at the Kuroba abode, and Kaito could let the façade drop as the front door clicked shut behind him.
He'd have to talk to Hakuba about it later, but, for now at least, Kaito was content to smother himself with his pillow and cry about how unfair his life was.
And he did cry for a while…until he got sick of feeling weak and helpless. He decided that rather than feel sorry for himself, getting mad was a better use of time. So the poor pillow took a pounding as he beat it with his fists and slammed it against the ground. It didn't make him feel any better, though. He only felt out of control and childish.
And alone.
The house was empty. There was no one to talk things through with, no one to give advice and comfort. Kaito was on his own, and suddenly it seemed overwhelming.
His eyes fell upon the portrait of his father. He couldn't make out the individual lines of the photo, but he had long since memorized them, could recall the details eyes closed.
"This is all your fault," he whispered, voice shaking. "What the hell were you thinking going off on a suicide mission with a family at home? When you had a little kid that absolutely worshiped you waiting for you to come back? Did you really not care? Did you not think about me even once before putting yourself in danger like that?"
In the back of his mind, he knew the answer: Kuroba Touichi had done it all for Kaito's sake, to make a better world for Kaito. Because Touichi adored Kaito more than anything. Touichi had loved his wife and his son enough to die trying to create something better for them.
But Kaito didn't want to be understanding at the moment. He was in pain, desperately needing someone besides himself to blame right now, and the dead rarely defended themselves, making his father a suitable target.
"This is your fault!" he shouted. "You left me! And then Mom ran off too because she couldn't deal with the fact that you were gone! It's your fault that I have to lie to Aoko! It's your fault that I can't…!" His voice broke. His body was trembling. "That I'm not normal," he whispered, tears streaming down his face once more.
"I'm sorry, Dad," he choked, feeling guilty for his misplaced rage as happy memories of his loving, doting father nudged at him.
Kuroba Touichi had been an imperfect man, but a good man nonetheless. He'd loved his family, worked hard, and, like Kaito, had taken every opportunity to make others smile. In his own way, he'd been trying to do the right thing.
It was Kaito's decision to become Kid. He could have walked away, but he'd chosen this. Sure, he'd grossly underestimated the consequences of his actions, but the choice had been his. The blame fell squarely on Kaito's shoulders alone.
As he admitted those facts to himself, Kaito wanted nothing more than to have his father there to hold him. It had always been Touichi to come in and hold him when he'd had a bad dream. His father had always stayed up with him when he was sick. When Kaito was sad or hurt, Touichi let Kaito rest his head in his lap and massaged his scalp until the tears went away.
How Kaito needed that now, someone to hold him through the pain when he felt like he was disintegrating. He wanted someone to tell him it was okay, tell him how to fix everything. Because Kaito was feeling so lost, and there was no one to talk to, no one he could be that vulnerable with.
He had Jii-chan and Hakuba, but…though he could vent his frustrations to them, they weren't people that he could ask to hold him while he cried.
Instead of stewing in his own snot and tears, Kaito decided to be proactive. He forced himself up off the bed and dragged himself over to the closet to change, putting on his reconnaissance black. He climbed out his bedroom window and took a deep breath of the early night air as the last light of day faded below the horizon and astronomical twilight set in. It would be perfectly dark by the time he got where he was going.
There were a couple skyscrapers that just begged to be jumped off of, and Kaito was in the mood to take them up on the challenge.
It was truly freeing to fall through the air—see the ground coming up at you, the lights from the street below—and then spread your wings and defy gravity. Kaito loved the rush of wind battering his body, caressing his face.
It helped to mask the sounds of his own screams of frustration as he fell. He couldn't hear himself crying over the air whistling in his ears.
And after repeating the process of running towards the edge, diving, yelling like a man possessed, opening his wings, and flying about a dozen times, Kaito was beginning to feel better. At least a bit.
Having regained his composure but still sorely hurting, Kaito began making his way back to Ekoda. On his way to the station, he passed Beika Park and spotted the lone figure of a young boy kicking a soccer ball as hard as he possibly could, crying out in pain and frustration with every kick. And there was no mistaking the very distinctive cowlick riding atop the boy's head.
Kaito paused in the shadows just outside the beam of the streetlamp. He pursed his lips in thought, really considering what he was about to do before deciding to heck with it. Kaito used the basic tools he had on him to make a simple female disguise that still looked a great deal like Kaito in the end. As he approached his rival, Kaito prayed that the darkness would conceal his features from the sharp eyes of the sleuth.
"Are you alright, little boy?" he called softly as he drew closer. "Why are you all alone out here this late?"
Conan jumped at the sudden interruption to his own private meltdown and, in response, spun around, hand already reaching for that detestable tranquilizer watch.
But then Conan caught sight of the young woman that Kaito appeared to be, and his guard lowered. He started to mentally prepare a story, an excuse as to why exactly a child such as himself was alone at the park at night.
Kaito could see the gears turning in Conan's head as that brilliant brain spun a clever lie. Their minds worked in much the same way, even though Kaito was sure that Shinichi would be loathed to admit it.
It was then Kaito realized how sad it was. When he saw Conan's own version of poker face slam down to cover up all of the suffering with that obnoxious, childish façade, Kaito wondered if he himself looked anything like that. It was truly a depressing, unhealthy thing, forcing down and smothering your emotions, hiding it from everyone and pretending that you were fine.
Kaito knew what that felt like…how lonely that was.
Kaito frowned as the detective opened his mouth to offer some excuse in that sickly sweet voice that was supposed to make Conan sounds like an actual eight year-old.
Kaito didn't have the energy to play pretend today, so he cut Conan off before his little natural predator could spew concocted cover stories and crafted lines. "It's okay, Tantei-kun. It's just me. You can save it, but, tell me: Did the wall do something to you, or was it the ball you were trying to punish?"
The mask fell clean off of Conan's face as he realized with whom he was speaking. "Kid," he growled, baring his teeth slightly like a dog defending his turf.
"Easy. I come in peace," Kaito assured, holding up his hands in an appeasing gesture.
"What do you want?" Conan hissed, channeling the spirit of a vengeful rattlesnake.
"Always so suspicious," Kaito sighed, strolling over to a nearby bench and taking a seat. "I was just passing by and thought I'd say hello."
"I'm in a bad mood right now, so get the hell out of here before I pummel you and call the cops," the boy threatened.
Kaito frowned. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe I've had a bad day too? Maybe I'm the one in a bad mood."
"Yeah right, Clown," Conan scoffed, returning to the soccer ball's (or was it the wall's?) punishment. "Go rob a museum or something. Steal the entire building, and then give it back," he laughed bitterly, sending the ball flying with a good kick. "That's what you do, right? That's how you have fun?"
Suddenly Kaito saw red, and he couldn't take it anymore. Flying to his feet, he shouted, "How dare you?! How dare you mock me like that when I only stopped to see if you were okay?! You have no idea what I'm going through! What I'm fighting for! And yet you stand there and judge me?! You think I would give up everything for some stupid adrenaline rush?! I have a mission! You think I would sacrifice my chances of ever being with the girl I love for kicks?! You don't know the first thing about me, so don't start talking shit, Kudo!" Kaito spat, breath ragged and body shaking in rage as angry tears started streaming down his cheeks.
Meanwhile, Conan stood stock still, staring at his rival in shock even as the soccer ball bounced back and rolled right past him.
"…Sorry," Conan whispered. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean… Sorry, Kid."
Kaito wiped away the hot tears for a second time that day and retook his seat, slowly pulling himself back together. "…I'll let it go this once, but only because you look like hell yourself."
Conan took a hesitant step closer. "What happened? If you don't mind me asking?"
Kaito laughed, almost replying, "My dad died, my mom left, and I'm incapable of having health, normal relationships." Instead he returned the question with one of his own, "Do you really want to know? Do you actually want to understand me?"
"Do you want me to understand you?" Conan replied.
Kaito thought about it for a moment before deciding, "I want someone to understand me. It might as well be you."
"Then I'll listen," Conan offered, inching a little closer, afraid to make a wrong move.
Kaito beckoned him nearer. "I'll tell you a story. There once was a king." Kaito made a fist, and when he opened his hand, the king of clubs was there. "And a queen." With a flick of his wrist, the queen of clubs joined her husband. "They were good and kind…with sort of strange senses of humor, but they were compassionate and fun-loving. They had a son." Kaito slid the two cards together, and when he pulled them apart, the eight of clubs had joined the hand. "And everyone was very happy…"
Kaito set his little card family down on the bench beside him and then reached out to draw the ace of spades from behind Conan's ear. He showed his audience the card. "…until the king was murdered." He placed the king and the ace into his pocket. Next he picked up the queen and showed it to Conan. "The queen went mad with grief and disappeared…" And so did the card. It had been there in Kaito's hand one second and then gone the next as the magician made an elaborate dissipating gesture. "…leaving the boy alone."
Kaito turned the eight of clubs face down, wearing a heartbreakingly forlorn expression.
Conan gulped. "What happened to the boy?" he prompted, getting wrapped up in the tale.
"He grew up." Kaito shrugged as he flipped the card back over, revealing the jack of clubs. "And he found out his father's secret." Kaito took the king of clubs back out of his pocket and showed it to Conan once more. He spun the card on his finger tip, and when it came to a stop, it was no longer the king but the joker. "The boy's father had a secret identity. So, hoping to bring the murderers to justice, the boy disguised as his father and continued his father's mission." Kaito spun the jack as well, and it too became a joker.
"Only…" Kaito smiled sadly, chuckling at his own predicament. "The boy kind of sucks at it. He's not as smart, strong, fast, or clever as his father. There have been times when he's screwed up and only gotten by on sheer luck. The boy's a mess, and he's grabbing at straws. He has no idea what he's doing, and in the past two and a half years has made discouragingly little actual progress in the search. And…"
Kaito waved his hand, and the ace of hearts appeared. A look of absolute misery took over Kaito's face, and he let the emotion show. "There's this girl. A princess…someone he's wanted to marry since he was five. Only she's hates the joker. She…she did have feelings for the boy…at least before she did. She's just been waiting for so long…but he can't be with her so long as he's the joker, but…she's tired of waiting."
Kaito closed his eyes, putting the cards away. He continued in a very small, strangled voice. "And today she told me she's found someone else. And I let her go because…because I'm stupid and I've got this dumb job to do. I don't want to let my dad down. I don't want…I don't want his death to be in vain, and I want to get those bastards that ruined my family…my life. I want to shut them down so there won't be any more kids like me."
Conan said nothing for a moment, taking it all in before responding gently, "You know, if it helps, I can kind of understand what that's like."
"I thought you might," Kaito chuckled sadly. "Wanna talk about it? I've got time."
Conan heaved a cinderblock-sized sigh before beginning, "…Ran is…it's been almost three years. I can't ask her to wait any longer. She wants to have a normal life with a guy that's actually around, so…I've slowly been pulling away. Consequently…I don't know…. I just feel like…I can't describe it. It's—"
"—Like you're losing yourself to the lie?" Kaito offered. "Like even though there are all these people around, you're completely isolated 'cause no one gets it. And it's not just that you're an angsty teen, literally no one gets it. That's how I feel, anyway."
"…Yeah," Conan whispered breathlessly, staring wide-eyed at his rival. "How did you…? I…"
Kaito shrugged, casting the detective a weak smile. "You see, we're more alike than you thought."
Shinichi's mind was flying in a dozen different directions, still trying to comprehend everything that Kid had said. Was it really possible that someone out there knew what Shinichi was going through, how he felt? Did Kid actually get him when no one else could?
The gears slammed to a halt on one big issue, "…but you're a thief."
Kaito met Conan's gaze and replied, "And a human being."
Looking away, Conan reconsidered. "I suppose you have your reasons."
"I do."
Frowning, Conan looked back up. "Would you tell me? What you're looking for? What mission your father left you?"
"Not tonight," Kaito answered quietly, getting up and preparing to leave. "It was nice chatting with you, Meitantei. Ciao~."
"Wait!" Conan jumped to his feet, propelled by the feeling that if he let Kid go now, he'd never have another chance to speak with him like this. Something deep within him told him that he needed to talk to someone who could relate, that he would soon go mad with no one around that could comprehend his suffering and empathize.
Kaito gave a half turn, looking back over his shoulder at the shrunken teen. He raised an eyebrow.
Conan bit his lip, not sure how to begin, how to express what he needed to say. "…Don't go yet…please," was what came out.
Kaito completed his turn and tilted his head to the side, returning Conan's stare and waiting to see what his detective would do.
"Look," Conan sighed. "You're miserable, I'm depressed, so…why don't we…?" He sighed once more, hands rifling through his hair in frustration at the right words that just wouldn't come out.
Kaito allowed himself one manically impish grin. He'd earned it after all of the heartache today. "Tantei-kun, are you asking me on a date?"
"NO!" Conan sputtered, shaking his head and waving his arms so vehemently that Kaito had to laugh despite himself and the hole in his heart. "I just…mean…coffee! Do you drink coffee? Or eat food or something? People…people meet for coffee sometimes."
"I may be a phantom, but I'm not a ghost," Kaito snickered, feeling much more like himself than he had since lunch. "I eat food like a normal person, Tantei-kun."
"I doubt you do anything like a normal person," Conan snorted.
"You have a point," Kaito admitted with a wide, mischievous smirk. "Well, if you wish to keep my company a little bit longer tonight, we could always go for curry and Haagen-Dazs in Shibuya."
Conan's jaw dropped. "That doesn't sound like an appetizing combination."
"Says you," Kaito pouted. "That's quality comfort food."
Shaking his head, the detective caved. "Whatever. Lead the way."
Kaito complied.
They walked in silence to Shibuya, each wondering how they had found themselves in the other's company.
"This is surreal," Kaito mumbled as they took a shortcut down a little alleyway. "Did you ever imagine you'd be spending time with me?"
"…I had a dream about it once," Conan admitted.
"You dream about me?" Kaito snickered.
"I have nightmares about you," Conan grumbled, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
"Mean," Kaito retorted, clicking his tongue.
There was a pregnant pause before Kaito continued in a somber tone, "Thanks for putting away your detective badge long enough to hang out, though. I've seriously had the worst day, and the last thing I need is to go home to that empty house and stew."
"…I need this too," Conan confessed. "So thanks for trusting me enough to come."
Kaito shrugged as they came out of the alley right in front of the Indian restaurant.
"You've earned it," he chuckled, opening the door before the topic could be further discussed.
…
Mikau: So what do you think so far? I'm planning on starting them off as friends and then showing how the relationship grows and changes over the months, eventually ending with them ending up together. It's going to be slow and gradual, but I'm looking forward to developing the relationship from rivals to acquaintances to friends to a couple. It'll be fun to show their relationship in different lights.
On a separate note, I believe at this point I'll be using this first chapter as my submission for the Poirot Café forum's fourth writing competition. Unless I can bust out that HakuSera "suspicion" fic I was planning. I've sudden become very busy, so that might not happen. Anyway, I wanted to thank everyone that's voted for me in the past. I got first for my first entry and took second for my second one. Does that mean next time I'll get third place? Hmm. But thank you so much for supporting me. It makes me so happy that you all enjoy my writing. Well, hopefully you enjoyed chapter one and will be joining me next time! Thanks so much for giving this a try, and have an awesome day everyone!