The Outsiders belongs to SE Hinton!

NA: I took some ideas from the book and the movie.

Warnings: Depressing and self-injury.

NA2: Don't hate me for this…I wanted to do something depressing that's all.

*****

Two months

It had been two long and confusing months since Johnny and Dallas died.

Since then, I can't stop thinking that both didn't have to die!

Johnny didn't have to save those kids…and Dally didn't have to knock up that store or pull out a gun. Dang, the gun wasn't even loaded!

…Hell, my parents didn't have to die either…

Heck, I guess I am the grim reaper himself.

People I cared about have died, leaving my with unanswered questions:

Mom and dad, are you proud of me or do you think I'm just one messed up kid?

Johnny, why did you tell me to stay gold? I'm not gold Johnny, I'm a gray blob…

Dally, were you really crazy, or was life that bad that…you just wanted it to end? What were you thinking when the bullets of the policemen's' gun went through your body? Why…why did you say my name?

I placed my pencil down and closed my notebook, placing it with my school books and other things.

That's when I started listening, the house was quiet for once. Darry and Soda have been working over time a lot lately, trying to pay off my hospital bills and other needed bills.

I walked to the living room, and my eyes fell on the bills that were spread out on the coffee table.

Why do they call a coffee table a coffee table?" I had asked Darry once.

"Ponyboy, why do you use your brain to think about stupid questions to ask?" He had snapped back.

"Sorry Darry."

I picked up one envelop and opened it. It was a bill from the hospital.

Some places were typed and others were filled out on a line:

Patient: Ponyboy Michael Curtis

Laboratory visit (one) number: 2465581

Billed amount: 250.00

Payments: One-

Subtotal: 250.00

Laboratory visit (two) number: 2683198

Payments: One-

Subtotal: 250.00

Total: 500.00

Patient file name: Curtis, Ponyboy; Michael

Account number: 44-55-66

Insurance: 00.00

Amount due: 500.00

I placed down the paper, letting out a long sigh. When just talking about it 500 bucks didn't seem all that much. But on an official piece of paper and when you didn't have it, it was a lot.

I glanced outside, it was November, a Friday in fact around 5 in the after noon. Darry probably would have been home by now just to check on me or something, then go back to work if he was needed. But he wasn't home…probably wouldn't be until late. Anyway there was a lot of people in Tulsa who wanted their roofs fixed before it began snowing.

"I'm sorry Dar." I said out loud. "Sorry Soda." I knew how much they hated the cold, and well, it was pretty chilly outside.

I walked into the bathroom, and took out a razor that Two-bit had bought me as a joke when I had asked about shaving.

I flipped up the blade of the razor and stared at it for a few seconds before I laid it on the sink.

I let the lid of the toilet fall then I pulled my pants down to my knees, leaving my briefs in place, before I sat on the lid. I placed the blade on the razor against my thigh and I stared at it.

My thigh was decorated with pink and white scars and the other thigh was a mirror image.

I placed a little pressure on the blade, enough for it to break through skin, then I dragged the blade.

Like always, 5 one inch cuts.

The first one was for Johnny, the second for Dallas, the third one was for mom and dad, the forth was for Daryl and Sodapop, and the fifth, was for myself.

I never knew why I did one for myself…

I found out I liked pain…well, maybe not pain itself but the affects.

Like, after a fight with some Socs I wouldn't know I was hurt until someone told me. Just like, I just went numb or something.

…Getting hurt was much better then smoking even. I stopped smoking as much as the other guys. I only smoked when I was asked.

It was like, once again I was outside of my body. I watched myself press tissue against the cuts and when the cuts seemed to stop bleeding I pulled up my pants and flushed the tissue down the john. I would clean the blade and I took it to the bedroom, instead of putting it in the medicine cabinet.

Then I put on my jacket, and left the house…of course, I didn't lock the door.

*

I was walking and staring at me feet, my shoes were getting covered with dirt. How long have I been walking anyway?

"Ponyboy!" A voice called my name, it sounded angry. I looked up and around, that's when I herd a vehicle behind me. It sounded like our old Ford.

Why was I still walking?

"Ponyboy!" The voice came again.

"Pony!" It was a different voice it didn't sound as angry.

I didn't stop until someone grabbed my shoulder, I then turn slapping the hand away… hard. It must've been hard cause my hand was throbbing, wasn't it?

I looked down at it, I could barely see it. I looked up then, the sky was dark, and stars were sparkling. "When did it get dark?" I asked out loud.

"Ponyboy? You ok?" The voice was soft. That's when I looked at them…it was all four of them, staring at me like I had gone mad.

"Yea…no…m'okay." Did that even make sense?

No it didn't you idiot! A voice inside my head scream. You really are stupid…

"I..I'm okay. I just went out for a walk-"

"A walk! At this time of night?" Darry was mad.

No duh, you idiot.

"Ponyboy, Two-bit said he went to the house around 6, when I asked him to check on you. He said you weren't home! It turned 7 o'clock, then 8...!" His fist were balled, he wouldn't dare hit me, would he?

Why was I asking myself all thses questions?

Ding! Ding! I know the answer cause uh…you're an IDIOT!

"Darry lay off of him okay?" Soda smiled, and placed an arm around me.

"What time is it?" I asked, not really moved by Darrys anger

"It's almost 10, honey." Soda said, his voice was filled with concern. "You sure you're okay?"

"I uh…yea." I had been gone 5 hours! No wonder Darry was pissed. I guess Steve was a little worried too since he kept glancing at me.

Sure, Steve Randle worried about a tag-a-long like you? Just shut up.

*

Everyone stayed at the house that night, it was nothing new.

I acted like I was asleep, while Soda combed his fingers through my hair and touched my forehead a few times.

"Does he have a fever?" Darry's voice was low, and a little apprehensive.

"Naw, he's just stressed out." Soda whispered softly.

"He scared me something awful ya know, didn' mean to snap at him like that."

Lies all Lies. He hates you Ponyboy, you know that right? Why wouldn't the voice shut up

"Understand. Scared me too, even Steve some."

Lies again, all lies!

"Shut up." Opps I said that out loud didn't I?

"Baby? Shh.." Soda again stroked my hair

"He okay?" Soda must have nodded to Darrys answer. "Do you know if he's been having nightmares or anything?"

"Nope, dun think so." Soda stopped talking as if he was thinking. "He talks in his sleep a lot, sayin' sorry for something'."

"Ah. Watch over him tonight lil' buddy and get some sleep."

Then he was gone.

Soda combed his fingers through my hair a few more times before he went to sleep.

"Maybe I am sick…" I mumbled before pulling myself closer to Soda, and drifting into a dreamless sleep.