A/N: My answer to a prompt. 4x09. Castle sees Beckett's bandaged covered hand and helps take care of her when he finds her having a panic attack at the Grace Tower.
He watched her disappear behind the door marked 'employees only' and fought the urge to follow her. He was trying so hard to be there for her, to help her out, but also trying not to force himself on her. He had noticed the bandages on her arms on the car ride over, and didn't ask what had happened, though he wanted to. Instead, he just pretended not to see them, and changed the radio station once again, making her complain some more, even though neither of them were actually listening.
This case was hard on both of them, but definitely her more than him. She was constantly looking around for the barrel of a gun that he prayed she wouldn't find. He knew that it didn't matter how fast she was, she wouldn't escape the bullet if it came her way. And deep down, he knew she understood that too. He couldn't imagine how she felt, facing her own mortality again, as she was still fighting to get back to her normal life. But he could see it all over her broken face as she tried to pretend it was all okay, this case was ripping her apart.
He looked at the time, it had been a couple of minutes since she disappeared, and he was concerned because he hadn't heard anything from her. No text saying she was on her way back, or a call up to an office so she could pretend she was following a hunch, nothing came through. The broken look on her face as she escaped haunted him, and he knew somehow she needed him. He walked to the door, and hesitated, his hand on the knob, wondering if he should really go in there to find her. What if she was angry, what if she pushed him away? He set his shoulders and turned the knob, because if she needed him, what kind of partner would he be to leave her?
He found her in the hallway, her jacket, badge and gun in a heap at her feet. She had collapsed into herself and was trembling, breathing heavily, her shoulders heaving with sobs that made his stomach turn in knots. The vision of her completely broken down made him want to join her, but that wouldn't help her. Helping her was all that mattered right now.
He took a calming breath and walked over to her quickly, trying not to startle her as he knelt down in front of her. "Beckett." He said her name loudly, trying to draw her attention to him. Whether she ignored him or just didn't hear him, he didn't know and didn't care. He touched her cheek, which was covered in hot sticky tears, and directed her face so she was staring at him with her hazel eyes. "Kate. I'm right here. What do you need from me?" He asked her loudly, trying to make sure she could hear him over the sobs.
She shook her head and closed her eyes. "Castle, I can't... I can't... breathe, I can't... " she tried to explain through the sobs.
He nodded. "Okay. Here, look at me, Kate." He started, but she had turned her head again and her eyes were closed. He nudged her face again so she was facing him. "Kate, I'm trying to help you, so if you can, try to look at me, okay?" He told her urgently.
She tried to nod in response, and she locked her eyes with his. "Good." He answered calmly, flashing her a small smile, hoping it made her feel better. He reached behind him, and grabbed her badge, pressing it into her hand. "Okay Kate, I need you to focus on me, okay? Just on me. And breathe really slow. In for four," he breathed deeply and counted to four in his head, and out for four." He breathed out. He squeezed her other hand in his. "Can you do that?"
She nodded, and followed along with him, taking shaky breaths in and out. Her trembling slowed as she breathed, and Castle smiled at her. "Good. Now, take your badge and run your fingers around the edges. Feel how rough it is?" He continued to breathe while he watched her hand, her fingers inching along the ridges of her badge. He hoped it would ground her to reality, but as he looked at her eyes again, he could see it wasn't exactly working. She was shaking her head, and her eyes were closing again. "No? Not working? Okay then." She tossed the badge back towards the pile and touched her face with her free hand. "Okay. Kate, I need you to tell me what feels real, so you can focus on it, okay?"
She brought her hand away from her face and focused on her breathing again, not answering his question. She didn't look him in the eyes again, just stared at his chest, keeping her eyes open as she shook. She snapped her eyes to his after about five deep breaths. "You." She finally answered, clutching on to his hand harder.
He nodded, never moving his eyes from hers. "Okay, good. Now, keep breathing, but count my fingers." She nodded and unclenched her hand, spreading out his and touching each finger one by one. "Good. Do it again, Kate. Just keep counting them until you feel normal again. Play with them if you have to." She followed his instructions, bending his fingers and moving them around. She pinched his knuckles, even twisted them together like he was crossing them. She turned his hand over and felt his calloused fingertips and pinched the skin between his thumb and pointer finger. Each brush of her fingers on his sent shivers down his spine, but he did his best to ignore that, he was helping to ground her to reality, and intimacy was not a part of their reality. Soon, her trembling stopped. She looked up at him again and looked normal. Broken, but normal, all evidence of her panic attack gone. She pulled her hand from his and crossed her arms, trying to hide the bandages, and he didn't ask her about them, figuring that she had been through enough already without him badgering her.
She wiped her eyes with her fingers and refused to meet his gaze again. "Sorry." She whispered, inhaling quickly through her nose and crossing her arms once again.
"For what, Beckett?" He replied, switching back to her last name to try and keep up the professionalism.
"For breaking down like this." She rested her head in her hand. "I've never had such a difficult time with a case, I have to get myself together..."
"No. It's okay." He interrupted her, and she looked at him hesitantly. "I know you think you need to be superwoman or something, but all superheroes have a weakness, they wouldn't be real otherwise." He grabbed her hand again, squeezing it softly. "This case is your weakness, and that's okay, it just means that you're human."
She gave him a small smile, though it wasn't convincing. "Thanks, Castle." She closed her eyes and rested her head against the wall. "I'll be out in a minute, can I just get some space for a bit?"
He nodded, releasing her hand and standing. "Of course. I'll wait out in the lobby." He turned and walked back to the door, trying to remember if he saw a vending machine anywhere so he could get her some water when he heard her call out to him again. He turned back in her direction, his heart aching for her as he looked at her again. "Yes?"
Her brows furrowed as she looked up to him. "How did you know what to do? How to help me?" She asked him, drawing her knees up to her chest and resting her head on them.
"Alexis used to have some pretty terrifying nightmares. She used to wake up all the time with panic attacks like that." He explained, remembering back to a time when she was little, screaming for help and clutching on to her monkey while she cried in his arms. "I used to have her play with Monkey Bunky's hands, that's what grounded her to reality again." He told her with a slight smile. He would give anything for those days back with Alexis, despite how bad those nights could be.
She nodded. "Well, I know who to call the next time I'm having a panic attack, which I hope will be never."
He nodded. "Yeah, they sound terrifying. But, I'm always here for you, you know? Partners."
She smiled at him again and this time it was more convincing, stretching across her face and making her eyes wrinkle in the corners. "Partners." She agreed.
Castle took a deep breath. "Glad to hear it." He pointed to the door. "I'm going to go wait in the lobby, give you some space. See you soon." He smiled at her once more and turned, heading toward the door to the flurry of media and police that he was sure we're out there too.