AN: I haven't published anything in a while because I didn't know what to write. After last week's SVU episode "Forgiving Rollins" this idea popped into my head. Warning- if you haven't seen the episode there might be some spoilers, especially about the ending. I'm really trying guys to see if I could possibly make this into a multi-chapter story instead of just a one-shot like I've been doing. Don't be afraid to review if you love, hate, or think I should continue!

Trigger warning! Do not read if rape scenes upset you. Rated M for a reason.

Amanda Rollins couldn't breather. She had tried to go see Liv's therapist, but just could not bring herself to do it. As she walked down the street, she didn't know what to do, or where to turn. She couldn't go home, and right now she was too upset to even go to a bar and forget her problems in a bottle. All she wanted to do was shrivel up in a ball and pretend the world no longer existed.

Amanda kept walking. She felt like she had walked forever when she finally stopped outside a familiar apartment building. It was Olivia's building. She didn't even realize she was walking toward it. Against her internal thoughts, her feet moved on their own and the propelled her inside, and then up to Olivia's apartment. .

Inside Olivia Benson was sitting down with a small glass of wine in her hand after putting Noah down to bed. She didn't usually drink, but after the day she had had she really needed just a little something. Olivia couldn't stop herself from thinking about Amanda. She really hoped she went and saw her therapist. She wasn't trying to be forceful, just helpful. She knew Rollins was never one to ask for help, but she needed it. Just as Olivia was thinking these thoughts she heard a quiet, almost timid knock at the door.

Olivia got up instantly and rushed to the door. She looked through the door's peep-hole to see no one other than Amanda Rollins. Olivia opens the door immediately and Amanda looks almost shocked.

"Oh Liv, I'm… I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have come here," Amanda tries to get out through her own sobs. She turns to leave when Olivia gently reaches for her wrist.

"No, Rollins, it's okay. Why don't you come inside?" Olivia asked her in a gentle tone.

Amanda couldn't help but feel safe for the first time in a while. She couldn't keep up her brick wall any longer. Her body reached for Olivia's and she fell into her arms sobbing.

"I tried Liv... I really tried. I went to the therapist's office. but I couldn't do it. I didn't know where to go," Amanda bawls.

"Shhh, it'll be alright Amanda. I promise you, you will be okay. Now why don't we go sit inside and I can get you something to drink." Olivia pulls Amanda up from her chest and looks her in the eyes. Amanda quietly nods and follows Liv into the apartment.

"Just have a seat on the couch. Make yourself at home. Can I get you something to drink? I have water, red wine, and maybe even some bourbon if I dig enough."

"Uhhh maybe just a small glass of wine," Amanda says in a defeated tone.

Olivia bring her the wine and the two sit and sip their drink in silence. Finally Amanda break it by saying, "Well, thanks for the drink, Liv, but I had better get going. I'll see you tomorrow at work."

"Hey, wait up Amanda," Olivia speaks while reaching for her. "I think you should stay. I don't want you going home to an empty house tonight."

"I swear Liv, I won't eat my gun or do something stupid. I've been fine for the past five years, and I'll be fine for the next five."

"That's my point Amanda. You've gone through this all alone for the past five years. Let me help you, so that you can start moving on with your life." Olivia gave Amanda a look she couldn't deny. She knew how much Liv really did want to help her.

"I guess I can stay for one night Liv."

"Good, now that that is settled, let me help you find where everything is. I just have to grab some blankets and sheets from the bathroom closet and then the bedroom is yours."

"Oh no Liv, I'm not kicking you out of your own bedroom and making you sleep on the couch. I will take it, and it'll be fine."

"You don't have to Amanda, really it's okay."

"No, I refuse to make you sleep on the couch. If need be, I will leave, those are the conditions."

" Alright, alright." Olivia said finally giving in to the blonde.

* Later that Night*

Amanda Rollins was sleeping on the couch when all of a sudden she felt a handclasp over her mouth. She tried to scream and wake Olivia, but she couldn't. Her entire body was frozen. Deputy Chief Patton was on top of her and she couldn't do anything about it.

She looked from side to side to see Olivia's apartment slowly disappearing to black nothingness. Amanda was confused and scared. Deputy Chief Patton was paying no attention to her terror. He whispered in her ear, "You were so good all of those years ago, lets see if things have changed."

Suddenly they were both naked and Amanda could feel him pressing on the inside of her thigh. She couldn't breathe or even think anymore. All could could feel was him ever so slowly pushing into her. "Ahh that's right darlin'. Been keeping it nice and tight for Daddy, you know just how I like it, dontcha?"

Every part of Amanda's body was burning. It was just like the first time, she felt herself trying to stretch, but unable to. She could feel her inside tearing and the blood seeping out of her.

"You're being so good baby," Patton cooed in her ear. "Just a little longer"

Patton started thrusting even harder into her. Amanda thought she was going to die. Right as Deputy Chief Patton was about to finish she felt something nudging her shoulder.

"Ammanda? Amanda! Wake up, wake up!" Amanda's eyes shot open. "It's me, it's Olivia."

"Liv?" Amanda was looking at her but it was like her eyes were somewhere else, almost as if they were seeing right through her.

"It's me. You're safe now. I swear Amanda, he can't hurt you."

"Oh Liv!" Amanda broke down into sobs that racked her entire body. She collapsed into Olivia's lap.

"Shhh," Olivia whispered while stroking her hair." It'll be alright. Everything will be okay I promise you."

"He was right there, on top of me, inside of me. All I can remember is how much pain I was in and how much blood there was. He wouldn't stop. My insides were on fire. I thought I was going to die."

"I know Amanda, but you didn't. You lived, and you're here now. You're helping other people get the justice they deserve."

" Liv?" Amanda finally looks up at Olivia and sits up straight so they are equal.

"Yeah Amanda?"

"Can I ask you something? Something personal?" Amanda looks at Olivia when questioning eyes.

"Of course." Olivia answers.

Amanda takes a moment and then closes her eyes before asking, "Does sex ever get easier?"

Olivia is slightly shocked at the question, but hides it. " Well, I don't really know. I was never raped, so I can't imagine what you're feeling."

"I know, but, you know with Lewis and stuff. Sorry I asked I'm just…."

"No Amanda," Olivia interrupts her before she can continue. "It's really okay. The real truth is is that I don't know. Before Lewis sex between me and Brian was great, afterwards it was non existent. I mean at first we couldn't even kiss. By the time we worked up to actual sex we were both different. He was scared to push or hurt me. I was scared that I wasn't giving him enough while trying to hide any feelings of enjoyment. I know he tried, he tried so hard. He never pushed me, and was always there for me, but things just were never the same. I haven't had sex with anyone since." Olivia was shocked she had just said this. She had never talked to anyone about her sex issues with Brian, not even her therapist.

"Oh, I'm so sorry Liv," Amanda said with sad eyes.

"It's really no big deal. This is supposed to be about you. Now it's my turn to ask a personal question, why did you ask?"

Amanda stared into her eyes before slowly beginning, "Because, ummm well ever since my attack it isn't the same. I've tried. I have tried so hard to move on. Everytime I'm with someone it just feels, I don't know, like it's not always me. I try to push it out of my mind, but I just can't feel sexy, or even happy. I feel fine in the moment, but afterwards I always feel dirty and not right."

"I know what you mean." Olivia says while reaching for her forearm. She starts to stroke it because she can see Amanda having an internal debate with herself. "It's okay Amanda, you can tell me. I swear I won't tell anyone."

" Hmmm... " Amanda is looking at the ceiling with tears streaming down her eyes. Finally she looks down at the couch beneath her and says, "I'm scared. What if I can't?"

Olivia is slightly confused, but doesn't press the issue. She holds Amanda's hand and waits for her to continue.

"What if I can't ever…. again? What if sex is never the same? It's been five years and I can't even do it myself, let alone with anyone else" Amanda says while continuing to cry.

Olivia now realizes Amanda is talking about her ability to orgasm and experience pleasure during sex.

"Oh Amanda" Olivia says while squeezing her hand. "Look at me"

Amanda looks up into Olivia's eyes.

"I am 100% sure that you still CAN. Right now you're struggling because you haven't dealt with your attack. When you feel ready and relaxed and safe it will happen. And about the part about doing it yourself- you're just putting too much pressure on yourself. Next time just try to enjoy it, and not worry about the end result."

" Thanks, Liv," Amanda says quietly while looking at her.

"You're welcome. Now, I'm going to go back to bed. If you need anything just wake me up."

"Okay. I will." Amanda said back.

After Liv had gone to bed Amanda could only think about one thing. How she wanted Olivia to be the one to make her relax and feel safe again. She had had these thoughts about Olivia before, but never this strong. She thought about going and crawling in bed with her, but her better judgement told her she better not. She fell asleep that dreaming of Liv.