First of all I want to take the moment to state I am a Bade fan. Secondly, I do feel that there are many problems with their relationship that were never actually addressed or fixed. That said, I have read some amazing stories with Jade and another character in a romantic relationship that helps her grow as a person. I absolutely love these stories and have created my own head cannon for some of the character background from these stories. Heads up this is based in an Alternative Universe because I am taking liberties and diverging from canon.

Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious.

-Ris

Your love is my drug

Like a black swirling vortex she is consumed. She is unable to fathom what has happened. Unsure it if is the fact that within ten seconds her entire heart was shattered or that fact that it was ten seconds too long. It hurts and hurts and hurts. Aches that she can remember from the last time. She's a drug addict, his love was her drug, and now is going through withdrawals. Each second echos a symptom.

She's sucked into depression. It's the easiest and most natural to feel. Though it is hard to remain stuck in that limbo when she knows what it is and has the ray of sunshine of a friend that she does. She shakes the depression up front but it still lingers when she is alone. Lingers because that it what it does stays there in the recesses of the mind. Some days are good and some the feelings of everything and nothing overwhelm her. Depression feeds the other symptoms until it is unclear if they are separate or one. She's so used to insomnia that her blood is almost the coffee she drinks constantly. So used to it in fact that when she can't sleep in the beginning it is normal. As time moves on and sleep becomes less and less and the hallucinations become worse she knows it is because she isn't sleeping next to him anymore. He is able to keep the darkness away, but now his absence facilitates it.

She is always fatigued, but it gets worse when he isn't around. This has always happened when he was away, but she was always reassured that he would be returned. Not now, she wouldn't be reassured again. She's unquestionable irritable, more so than usual. Snapping at people, at friends, more than she would when he was there to hold her back with a locking of fingers together. She's on the defensive, and wouldn't you know that the best defense is a good offense. So she attacks first before she can be kicked while she is down. That doesn't change much, she's too week to handle these fights but she has a bark just as big as her bite. The nausea commences and she assures herself that there is no way what she fears has come to pass, especially when her part two was not there. It is too much but she can't cut back on the upped amount of coffee she partakes in. The nausea is too much and she starts eating less and less frequently at that. She's just not hungry is what she tells herself, and it is true. She's not hungry, she can't begin to explain why food doesn't seem to nourish but causes the idea of sickness. She's cold, so cold. She's always been a bit chilled, but now it is cold. She shakes and shivers trying to get warm, but is able to hide the trembling well enough so that others won't notice. Her breathing comes in short bursts and everything that bothered her before is so much larger now. The feelings of insignificance has escalated to the point she contemplates on giving up on what she loves, her dreams and aspirations. The anxiety can be crippling, a feeling she is all too aware of, and she has to continuously reaffirm her abilities. The headaches cause her to find solace alone. She can't stand being near her so called friends and him. The headaches are horrible, leaving her more exhausted than anything else.

She used to be love drunk, but now she's hungover

She is unable to move on, unable to adjust to her life now. Unable to stand him, incapable of standing without him. She tries and she tells everyone that she is fine with what has happened, but not really she just can't continue feeling the way she does and hopes that it will go away when she claims as such. The symptoms don't, her feelings don't, she's in a downward spiral and the bright lights of Hollywood are but dim flickers of what once could have been with him by her side. She can't stop the cycle of hating and hurting and hurting and hating. Until one day. A completely unassuming day, she wakes up and wants a strawberry. A simple strawberry. There is no coffee in the house that morning and she almost has a panic attack because of this blunder, but she is determined to quench her craving. The first craving she has truly had since that day he turned her world upside down. The strawberry is what restarts her life. She doesn't find a new love to lead her from the darkness. She doesn't find new friends, doesn't return to old. Her friends remained with her. The strawberry reminding her of the cupcake haired friend that loves sweets and kept trying to cheer her up during this time. She starts writing again, not dark plays but nothing light either, just writing. The songs flow and she remembers what she loves. The darkness is still there and some days it prevails, but she is able to get up and move without it being an act. She's a wonderful actress but even she tires from the invariant front of the marble sculpture that she is. Day in and day out she has been unknowingly chiseling away at herself. The first substantial crack is the day she craves something new.

She cuts back on the coffee and her appetite slowly returns. With that return her nausea slowly leaves and with it the headaches. She is gaining energy and loses the fatigue. She no longer has to hide the shaking and trembling, and her anxiety is gradually being lifted. The insomnia, depression, and irritability are all still there but they are not as strong as they once were. She feels lighter and can sleep better even when no one is there to assure her that everything is alright.

She knows it's not perfect, but she's growing and learning, breathing, and finally living again. She holds her own hand when she needs it. She reassures herself when she needs it, and she begins to believe in herself again. Her confidence grows and she knows she can accept that ten seconds that once felt like a life time were a mere blink. She relearns how to smile without it being a ruse. The light behind her ice blue eyes returns and melts some of the frost that her veins had been doused in. It takes time and she is aware that she isn't healed, but it gets better and she is starting to see that.

It's not the end, just the beginning.

Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think. I appreciate any and all criticisms.

-Ris