Title: Surrogate Santa
Pairing: Ziva/Abby established relationship
Characters: All the regulars (minus Ducky)
Rating: K+
Genre: Humor, Romance
Cat: Femslash
Spoilers: None.
Warnings: None.
Summary: Abby asks a favor of Ziva during the holiday season and it presents somewhat of a problem. Written for scarletalphabet for NFA's 2014 Secret Santa exchange.

"I am not wearing that."

"Oh, Ziva, please? For the children? I'd say for me, but you obviously don't care enough about me if you aren't willing to do just this one tiny little thing. . ."

Ziva let out a noise of frustration and threw up her hands. "Fine! You have . . . coerced me into participating in your little event, Abby. Are you happy now?"

Abby tilted her head at her and squinted. "You've been talking to McGee a lot again, haven't you?"

Ziva looked confused. "What? Why?"

"You just used the word 'coerced.' And I mean, fine, whatever, glad you two are all chummy, but don't forget you're my girlfriend, not his." She finished her statement by draping her arms over Ziva's shoulders, while Ziva smirked up at her.

"Do I detect a hint of jealousy?" Ziva asked, already knowing the answer to that question – it used to be McGee who aroused Abby's possessiveness, and she could remember a time when she couldn't even speak to him without Abby glaring at her, worried that they were getting just a little too cozy and that soon Ziva would snatch McGee out from her watchful eye, but things had changed drastically since then. Obviously. But Abby's possessive streak knew no end, and Ziva had shared more than one conversation with McGee on the subject (away from Abby's prying eyes, of course).

"I just don't want to lose what I have," Abby said, her tone much more serious than it had been, and Ziva suddenly felt bad for her teasing, though she knew she'd likely regret that sentiment later when Abby was reminding her of just how jealous she could get.

"You have no need to worry, Abby," Ziva said, giving her a chaste kiss. "I am much more interested in you than I am in McGee. Though if I had to choose between him and Tony. . ."

"Ziva," Abby said in a warning tone.

"Abby." Ziva mocked her, giggling as she moved her hands to grasp Abby's waist and took a step closer, then another, until they were only inches apart. The air became charged as the women gazed at each other, their eyes focusing on the other's lips after a moment, as they both had the same thing on their mind.

It was Abby who made the first move, taking Ziva's face in her hands as she leaned down to kiss her. The kiss started out soft, almost hesitant, but quickly grew intense, as was generally the case with these two. They quite enjoyed kissing each other, that much was obvious.

When they pulled away from each other, Ziva rested her head on Abby's shoulder and the two women stayed quiet for a few moments, until Ziva spoke. "I just do not understand how there can be two Mrs. Clauses."

"Why not? It's the 21st century, Ziva. If Mrs. Claus wants to be a lesbian, then she can be a lesbian."

Ziva screwed up her face. "But isn't the whole point Santa Claus? Mrs. Claus doesn't deliver presents. In fact, I'm not all that sure what she really does do, except be married to Santa."

Abby let out a loud sigh. "Okay, you have a point. Maybe . . . there's a surrogate Santa!"

Ziva pulled away to look her in the eye, her expression one of disbelief. "And what exactly is a surrogate Santa?"

Abby shrugged. "Like, some guy they hire to go around delivering presents. I mean, it's only one day/night a year. It's not like they're asking him to carry a baby for nine months."

"Let me get this straight," Ziva said, getting into the story. "The two Mrs. Clauses do all the work getting ready for Christmas, and then when it comes to the actual event – delivering the presents, that is – this surrogate Santa gets all the credit?" She made a noise of disgust. "That would be like if I did all the work on a case and then Tony or McGee got all the credit, simply because they're men. Don't you see the problem with that?"

"Look, I didn't mean to get into a discussion of feminist theory about this," Abby said, and Ziva gave her a dirty look. "But I see what you mean. It's a terrible idea and totally against what we stand for, as two strong women who happen to be in a romantic relationship with each other." She paused. "That still doesn't help us figure out who's going to deliver presents."

Ziva sighed. "You know what, Abby? It doesn't matter. If a child asks where Santa is, we'll just say he's out sick."

Now it was Abby's turn to give Ziva an incredulous look. "Oh, please. Like any kid is going to believe that." She turned away and walked to her sofa, slumping down on it and pulling a skull print fleece blanket over herself. "We have to think of something. Something believable. Kids are way smarter than you'd think. They'll know if we're just half-assing it, Ziva."

"We still have plenty of time to come up with a story," Ziva insisted. "In the meantime, I can think of a much more enjoyable way to spend the evening." She smirked as she sashayed her way to the sofa, reaching Abby and kneeling with one knee on each side of Abby's legs.

"I'm gonna guess you don't mean discussing feminist theory," Abby said, her voice low and smoky.

"Maybe we can do that later," Ziva said, grinning. "For now, I want to do this." She leaned further into Abby, pressing a kiss to the side of her neck. "And a bit of this." She trailed kisses up her neck until she reached her ear. "And definitely some of this." She turned her attention to Abby's lips, giving her a slow kiss that Abby gladly returned, moaning a bit.

They made out for a few minutes, then Abby pulled away, but only to say, "I can think of a much more comfortable place to do this, Mrs. Claus."

Ziva gave her an approving look. "Now you're talking, Mrs. Claus."

"I have to give you a hand, Abby. This was a brilliant idea."

Abby giggled, unsure if Ziva's idiom was a mistake or if she truly meant she wanted to give her a round of applause. She didn't call her on it, though, instead nodding her head in agreement. "Oh yeah, it worked out perfectly."

"It even makes wearing this not so bad," Ziva continued, glancing down at the bright red flouncy dress and matching tights she had on, "considering what they are wearing."

"I can't believe you let Abby talk us into this," Tony muttered to McGee, tugging on one leg of his half-green, half-red tights.

McGee adjusted the pointy hat on his head, the bell on the tip jingling merrily despite his surly mood. "What was I supposed to say?" he hissed. "You know I wouldn't have been able to say no to Abby."

"You could have tried!" Tony said, glaring. He tried to look threatening by putting his hands on his hips, but the tiny elf costume – complete with aforementioned jingly hat and pointy elf shoes – just served to make him look ridiculous.

"Well, just think of it this way," McGee started in an attempt to soothe his aggravated friend. "At least there's nobody we know here to see us dressed like this."

"McGee? DiNozzo?"

Tony glared at McGee again before plastering a fake smile on his face and turning to the source of the voice. "Director Vance! What a pleasant surprise! Oh, look, you brought your kids! Awesome."

Vance was trying quite unsuccessfully to hold back a laugh, while Kayla and Jared looked on with looks of horror on their face at seeing their father's employees dressed as Santa's minions. "I'm going to guess this was Ms. Sciuto's idea?" he asked quietly.

McGee nodded. "Yeah. She and Ziva are over there, by the tree."

Vance glanced over and took in their costumes, his eyebrows hitching higher and higher on his forehead as he did. "I see," he mumbled. He continued to admire their outfits until McGee cleared his throat, making him look back at them. "Right. Well, the kids here are eager to see Santa. Where is he?"

Now Tony and McGee shared a grin before looking back to Vance. "Just this way," Tony insisted, ushering the director and his children over to the red velvet throne where Santa sat. Abby and Ziva saw them coming and Abby rushed over, eager to give the Vance children a hug.

"Director! So glad you could make it!" she said.

Tony and McGee had followed Vance over and McGee stood with his hands on his hips. "You invited him?" he asked, annoyed.

"Well, yeah," Abby said, as though it should have been obvious. "Can't have a Team NCIS party without the Director!"

"I don't know that this would qualify as a party," Ziva mumbled from behind her, and Abby turned to face her, hands on her hips.

"Why can't you guys just be grateful for what you have?" she started, ready to lay into them with one of her classic Abby rants. "I wanted to do something nice for children who aren't going to have such a nice Christmas. If that means dressing up in silly outfits, then so be it. I thought you guys actually wanted to do this."

Immediately, her friends started apologizing and assuring her that yes, they did want to be there and no, they didn't mind wearing said silly outfits (though she knew that part was a lie, and maybe the tights she made Tony and McGee wear were a bit much, but she wanted to be somewhat accurate). She made a shushing noise and held up her hands to quiet them.

"Okay, I get it." She paused. "Group hug?"

Tony was all too eager to engage, slinging one arm around Abby's shoulders and the other around Ziva's (though she sent him a look that told him to watch it). McGee echoed his movements and the four of them shared a quick squeeze, much to Vance's amusement.

"So, Santa?" Vance said, and they turned their attention back to him and his two now very bored looking children.

Abby grinned, then brought her fingers up to her lips and whistled. "Ruuuuuuuudolph!" she cried out, and they turned to where they heard sleigh bells, Vance's smile widening even more at what he saw.

"You have got to be kidding me," he said, as "Rudolph" came bounding in, leading Santa's sleigh – the part of Rudolph being playing by one Jimmy Palmer, and Santa still to be revealed, though Vance had a pretty good idea who it was.

Palmer stood up from where he'd been kneeling, brushing the fake snow from the floor off his knees. "Hey, Director! Like my costume?"

Vance was still trying valiantly not to laugh. "Couldn't even tell it was you, Palmer."

Palmer grinned, his red nose blinking, and Vance looked around him to get a glimpse of Santa. "Oh, right, your kids are probably here to see the big guy, huh?"

Vance looked down at his kids, who seemed to be much more interested now that Santa had shown up. "Go on then," he said, and they ran toward Santa, who let out a gruff, "Ho, ho, ho!" as the kids approached, then sent Vance a steely glare.

Abby turned to Ziva, wrapping an arm around her waist. "I think we came up with a pretty good solution to our Santa dilemma," she said, and Ziva nodded her approval.

Vance, meanwhile, lost his battle with the laughter that so desperately wanted to come out and doubled over in laughter once Santa glared at him. Only Abby could manage Santa Gibbs.

THE END!