I haven't slept as well since I told her. It's only been a few months, but I've noticed the difference in our relationship. I've noticed that, just like I feared, it hasn't been the same. We still smile at each other. We still make the same sort of conversation and laugh the way we used to, but it never lasts as long. It's like she's afraid of me. Like, if we spoke any longer or hung out any more than we do, I'd make a move or something. She knows I wouldn't. She knows me. If I were going to do anything, I would have done it a long time ago. I've never been that bold. Believe me, I've spent plenty of time only wishing I had been when given the chance. Before all this. Before the Flash. Before Eddie.

She looks at me different too. I said the smiles are still there, and they are, but they're sadder. More forced. Whenever we talk, she leaves Eddie out of her sentences, and as much as I appreciate her effort to spare my feelings, I actually wish she wouldn't. I can't help feeling like a huge piece of her life is being kept from me now. Like Eddie is this big secret. I feel like she should know me better than this, but she doesn't get it.

I want to know everything.

Every piece of her life.

Every inch of her smile, and what puts it there.

Every second she laughs and why she's laughing.

Every thought.

Every feeling.

Every joke.

Every frown.

Every word.

Everything.

Even if it hurts.

We used to be that way, but now that she leaves Eddie out of her conversations with me, I'm missing some of what makes her happy and I don't want that.

Eddie hasn't been the source of her joy lately though, and I can see it, whether she tells me or not. Something between them has been off. She looks at him differently too. Recently she's given him the same thing she's been giving me. Half the story, half the smile. Her usual radiance is dimmed and I wish I could lighten her up again. She's kept quiet even more than usual lately though, and I don't know why because she won't tell me.

I told her I loved her.

I still cannot believe I actually told her I loved her.

I'm supposed to be working, but I can't think straight. I'm sitting on the couch and staring at the wall like an idiot. I usually feel like an idiot, and where Iris is concerned, I'm also usually right. I don't even remember the last time she wasn't on my mind. Even if it's just in passing. If I'm trying to focus on being the Flash, I'm worrying someone might hurt her. If I'm trying to be focused on work, her name comes to mind while I'm working. Day after day after day of Iris Iris Iris and only ever Iris. I can still function as a normal human being, but hardly ever without her crossing my mind. Someone knocks on the door. Gentle. Three taps and then silence.

Reluctantly, I stand up an walk towards it.

I didn't know what to expect when my hand hit the door knob and twisted it to the left but she is standing, just as beautiful as always, behind it. There is one overwhelming detail in her appearance that I wish wasn't there. Her light is dimmer than ever.

"We broke up." she says, quiet. Her lip quivers and she has water building up in her eyes like a dam about to burst. "I saw it coming. I knew it would happen. I- I just- I wasn't as prepared as I thought-" and just like that the dam breaks. She's in my arms, her tears wetting my shirt. I have a mix of emotions. I'm holding her tight because I want her to be comforted, but also because I missed her. I missed her so damn much. This is the first time in way too long that she's opening up to me about this piece of her life that is so enormous. This is the first time in so long that I'm holding her in my arms and every piece of her is in tact.. Except... now she's falling apart.. I didn't want this.

"Iris." I twist her hair around my fingers and press my mouth against her head. For a few minutes, we stand there. Her fingers are pressing so deeply into my back, and she's almost completely leaning on me for support. I'm holding her so tight. I'm holding her with so much of my heart because I'm terrified she might slip away again if I let go even for a second. I hate that she's crying. I hate that she's sad. I hate that her light is as dim as it is, but I love that she's here. I love that she's in my arms. I love her.

"Come here." I say, sliding my hands down her arms and taking her hands in mine. I lead her to the kitchen where the ultimate comfort lies. Wine. Ice cream. Any sort of numbing comfort outside of a hug. She sits down, her face still puffy and wet, and tries to wipe her face dry, even though it doesn't help. I reach into the freezer and pull out what I find. Mint chip. The wine is already on the table. I was drinking it earlier, as if it does anything. I slam the ice cream on the table and slip a small smile in her direction. A little lighter, still too dim.

We're sitting on the couch. We have been for a little while now. Eating our ice cream, and discussing Eddie in and out of her life and the big chunk that I've missed. Mostly I just let her talk. She goes through all five stages of grief over and over and over again.

1. I can't believe it's over.

2. He's such a jerk.

3. He was so good to me and now he's gone.

4. I would do anything to have him back.

5. I have to move on.

On repeat. Like a record. And I love it. I don't love that she's in pain. I love that she's talking to me about it.

We keep tossing the laughter back and forth. She makes multiple jokes about him, but not in an angry way. Not anymore at least. She loves him. It's not easy to stay angry, like really angry, at the people you love. At one point she jokes about what she's looking forward to the least. Packing. She hates packing, and what it means makes it even worse. But it's funny to her, so I laugh too. I'll laugh as long as she does and I'll cry too. I want to be where she is. That's all.

My question though is what caused it? I have my suspicions, but I'm trying not to think too hard about them. I want to make sure. I don't want to be selfish. I hate being selfish.

"Iris?" I say softly, when there's a gap in conversation. She doesn't say anything, but she looks at me and raises her eyebrows. I'm almost too chicken to say the words, but one by one I spit them out. Awkwardly, I might add. "Why did you... Well I mean... I mean what happened, exactly?" Her face stays the same. Eyebrows raised, eyes wide, mouth slightly open. Her hands are folded in front of her, and she's leaning most of her upper body weight on her knees and elbows. She says it in a matter of fact sort of way. Like I'm an idiot. Just like I thought, I'm an idiot for not noticing. For not realizing why they were getting more distant and why she's even here with me now.

"You happened."

Her body shift to look at me and she reaches for my hand. I don't know what she's going to do, so I don't do anything for myself. She grabs my arm with her both of her hands and puts it around her shoulders, and rests her back on my chest. Her head is the last thing. It touches my collar bone and a shiver runs down my spine. I can smell her hair, and I reach up to touch it too. It's like silk. I bow my head down to kiss her forehead. Like satin. This is everything. She is everything. If this is a dream, God, don't ever wake me up.