This story was written as a "thank you" to Colleen (sondheimmcgeek) for organizing this year's NFA Secret Santa Exchange. Thought I'd share it with you all, too! Happy New Year! Please read the story specs. This is unlike what I usually write, and it's meant purely for fun!

Rating: FR15 (for sexual innuendo)
Genre: Friendship, humor, fluff, satire, pure ridiculousness
Warning! Nothing but dialogue! No really. Absolutely nothing but dialogue.

Some very vague Season 12 spoilers. Safety first, folks!

Tim and Tony's (Drunken) New Year's Eve Bash

aka

"None of this is to ever leave this apartment! Tony, are you listening?!"

[Setting: Tony DiNozzo's living room.]

"Another year gone by. Both of us, flying solo."

"You're flying solo, Tony. Me? I still have Delilah."

"True, true. I'm still trying to figure out what the problem is. I mean, why are we still single?"

"-I'm not single-"

"Look at us! We're living the dream here!"

"-I wouldn't go quite that far-"

"We have the looks..."

"I'll agree with that."

"We have the job - tons of benefits..."

"One of which is nearly getting killed every week."

"The rent-controlled apartment..."

"All utilities included."

"The hair... Well, I have the hair. You luckily still have hair."

"Hey! It's the damn hat, I told you."

"Yes. The hat. It's making your hairline recede."

"Tony!"

"We have the cool car..."

"You don't own a car, Tony."

"Okay, but I have a fully-loaded SmarTrip card and access to agency vehicles, if needed."

"And with the boss's permission."

"So why are we single, McMoped?"

"Again, I'm not single!"

"Even Leroy Jethro Gibbs - tenth wonder of the world, might I add-"

"-Tenth? What are the other two?-"

"-has a date tonight, although he wouldn't tell me who."

"Gee, Tony, I wonder why he didn't. Said no one ever."

"That saying is so 2014, Timmers."

"It's still 2014."

"What? What were we talking about?"

"Gibbs. Tenth wonder of the world."

"Right. Gibbs has a date tonight. I wonder what he's doing right now with her. Or him... self?"

"What? Gross!"

"He's probably busy rubbing it right now."

"Tony!"

"Rubbing the boat. The boat is his date."

"You mean sanding, Tony. Not rubbing."

"Same difference."

"Not really."

"I wonder what Ziva is doing-"

"Don't even touch my cell phone! Friends do not let drunk friends call international."

"You're right, McCrockpotBlock- whoa! That was a mouthful."

"Ugh."

"Ha ha. Mouthful."

"Tony!"

"Besides, she could be anywhere."

"Yes. That's true."

"Like Cuba."

"Uh, sure. Cuba."

"Or Narnia."

"Right."

"Or Tatooine."

"Tony, I really think you should stop drinking now."

"Wait! Is it next year yet?"

"No, we still have a few minutes left."

"I want to be conscious for it, Timmy Tim Tim Tim Tim-"

"I get it. I want you to be conscious for it, too."

"2015! I feel it could be a big, big year."

"I'm sure it will be, Tones."

"Wait! Where's Delilah?"

"Oh, so now you remember Delilah."

"Of course I remember Delilah! She looks amazing naked."

"Tony!"

"I already apologized for that."

"And I'd almost forgotten about it, until now!"

"I am really sorry about that, Timmy."

"No you're not."

"You're right. I'm not. But... I am sorry for not being sorry about it."

"Apology accepted. I guess."

"But your girlfriend does have some really nice-"

"Tony!"

"-And I've seen many."

"Dear God, why..."

"I don't know, Tim. I keep reeling them in. Man! For a while there, it was one after the other! I can't even remember any names."

"Leah. Leah was one."

"Who's that? See, this is why you're my friend. You're like my second brain."

"Wow, Tony, I don't know whether to feel insulted or honored."

"Anyway, after that, I was so exhausted, I couldn't think of sex for a whole ten days."

"Amazing."

"But I keep reeling them in..."

"You already said that."

"I think it's because of the hair."

"Right."

"Or lack thereof. You see, I shave down there-"

"Oh God, please! Stop! I need to un-visualize this!"

"Suit yourself."

"I will. Thank you."

"Oh, Timmers. I won't apologize for the gym shower incident. That was an accident, McPrudence."

"You're unbelievable."

"That's what she said."

"Arrgh. Tony!"

"Oh look! They're counting down! Open the champagne!"

"Working on it-"

"Pour some in for Kate and Ziva!"

"I think that would kill them."

"You're probably right. See? Second brain."

"Tell me you wouldn't have done that if I wasn't here."

"I'd be passed out right now if you weren't here!"

"I don't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for you, Tony."

"Neither. Or both. Either is fine. Hey! It's 2015. Look at the TV! Let's call Gibbs!"

"Let's not."

"You're right. He's probably busy rubbing the boat."

"Sanding."

"I feel like we should kiss each other."

"This is getting really awkward, Tones."

"I know! Isn't it? I'm having flashbacks to the sixth grade."

"What happened in sixth grade?"

"I can't remember!"

"I think we should go to bed."

"My bed isn't big enough."

"Tony! Not together! Ugh! I'm going home."