This Is Not A Swan-Song

Before

Bethany answered the door, heart thudding as always when she came face to face with Hal, wondering at the back of her mind if this would ever change, Bethany praying that it wouldn't.

"Hey," Hal said abruptly, ramming his hands into his jean pockets. "You busy?"

"Not for you."

"Likewise."

"It's your mom, isn't it?" Bethany said just as abruptly, making Hal glance away, his mouth curving downwards.

"Yeah, it is."

Bethany exhaled sharply as she looked down at Hal's pale face, her heart now twisting in her chest at the sight of him suffering. It had been two weeks since the prom, a night burned into Bethany's brain, where everything had changed without seeming to. Rita and Hal had been crowned Homecoming King and Queen, Bethany dutifully clapping their victory along with the rest of Rita and Hal's clique, standing apart despite standing amongst them, looking like she was one of them, that she counted.

But she would never be one of their number, and she didn't want to be. The girls who clung to Rita's high heels were pleasant enough, albeit vapid and shallow, and Hal's jock buddies swung between being sweet and obnoxious, but they were just ships passing in the night, faces she would soon forget. After graduation, all she would remember would be sitting out on the sidewalk with Hal, or lying in the long grass beside him, with Ben and Abigail either side of them, staring up at the stars, innocence in the air, a world away from Rita's smug whispers about how Hal was going to spend the night at her house before graduation, taking that final step in their relationship.

Yet Hal was holding back, not wanting to take that final step, his heart in turmoil. For him, the prrom had passed predictably in a blur of smiling faces, the weight of the crown heavy on his head, embodying all the expectations everyone had of him. He'd danced with all of Rita's friends, Bethany included, saving all the slow dances for Rita, even though he'd imagined it was Bethany in his arms, her green gaze holding his, saying without words what they were. He'd even danced with the principal, earning applause, the sound making his stomach strangely turn.

Somewhere during the course of the night, he'd discovered Bethany had disappeared from the debauchery, and he'd made his excuses to his drunken court, Rita swaying wildly on the spot with the Spanish exchange student, not noticing his exit. He'd found Bethany out in the playing fields, her feet bare, the moon high above them both. Without saying a word, he'd finally taken her in his arms, the two of them slowdancing to the distant strains of music echoing through the air, holding onto all they had left.

Summer was drawing to an end with their childhood, both of them graduating a year early, Hal leaving for college, Bethany for a fate still unknown. It was time to make choices, to take chances, but in that moment, Hal didn't want to think of that future, what it might mean for him and Bethany. The present was already putting pressure on them, what with his unravelling relationship with Rita, the uncomfortable fact Bethany's parents were still sleeping together but denying it in the face of their impending divorce, and the knowledge that his mother's cancer might have returned – Hal didn't want to face any of that, only allowing the darkness to envelop him and Bethany both, shutting out the rest of the world.

That night, he'd awkwardly told her the fairytale his mother had woven about the moon, Hal uncharacteristically shy as he shared the story, and afterwards they'd sat on the bleachers, their hands brushing together but never fully touching, looking up at the sky, not imagining it would soon be falling down, .

Now, as Hal looked up at Bethany standing on the doorstep above him, that night was suddenly before him, the past replacing the present, Bethany seeing the falling sky in his eyes, and somehow she was in his arms, his hands sliding over her hips, her fingers becoming entangled in his dark hair, foreheads bumping, forever between them.

"Not yet," Hal whispered, forcing himself to let go of her, before that line would be crossed, "soon, but not yet."

Bethany exhaled sharply again, turning away from him, pushing her black hair back with both hands. There had been nobody before Hal, and she believed in that moment there would be nobody after him, that this was it, and when she was an old woman, she would look back and see in that second he was hers and nobody else's, time unable to take that away from her.

"I'll speak to Rita tomorrow," Hal said in a rush, "and tell her that it's over, I swear." Impulsively, he took her hands in his, dropping a kiss on her knuckles, too much his father's son despite their differences.

"Tomorrow?" Bethany echoed, her green gaze finding and holding his.

"Tomorrow," Hal promised, not knowing the world would end tomorrow.

I won't stay quiet, I won't stay quiet
Because staying silent's the same as dying...