After recently revisiting my childhood, I noticed some uncanny parallels between one of the shows I used to adore and the Rangemen. It lead to the idea for this story. I hope you like it.

Chapter 1

"I have a favour to ask," I mentioned, as I slid into the booth at the back of Pino's. Ranger, Tank, Bobby and Lester were already gathered, suitably non-alcoholic drinks set before them – they still technically had had a work day left. I'd requested this meeting four hours ago, after a frantic call from my best friend Mary Lou. She had a dilemma, and I was pretty sure Ranger and his Merry Men were the only ones who could properly solve it.

"We'll do anything," Lester assured me.

At the same time, Bobby asked warily, "What kind of favour?"

Ranger shook his head ever so slightly and gave me a look that spelled out, "Babe."

Tank was silent.

These were the typical reactions I'd expected from the group. Now I just had to convince them to help me out. Mary Lou's problem wasn't exactly their usual gig, and there was a very strong possibility that they would flat out refuse once I told them. How to spin this to appeal to their values?

I took their continued silence as a cue to continue. "Mary Lou called me this morning," I began slowly, pouring myself a glass of iced tea from the pitcher in the centre of the table. "She has a problem."

"Is she okay?" Bobby asked quickly.

"Is she in danger?" Ranger questioned, placing his hands flat on the table and meeting my gaze with his impenetrable one.

"Does she need a better lover?" Lester asked with a grin and a waggle of his eyebrows.

Tank stayed silent.

I looked at each of them in turn, taking my time to form my reply. Was it possible to answer all three questions at once? Yes, I decided, but only because they were so far from the issue. "Nothing like that," I assured them, taking a sip of my tea and cringing at the taste on my tongue. "How can you drink this stuff?"

"It's good for you, Babe," Ranger replied. A stock standard answer to anything I didn't like these days. Running, despite the intense chest pain, and shortness of breath it caused, was good for me. Leafy greens, even though they left an awful taste in my mouth, were good for me. Green, sludgy smoothies, while causing me to retch and dry heave, were good for me.

I shook my head and pushed the glass away, signalling for the waitress to bring a glass of lemonade, or coke, or beer. Anything but what was in that glass right there.

"What's Mary Lou's problem?" Tank asked, when a long enough silence had passed. He was still brooding in the corner, squashed in by both Lester and Bobby so that Ranger and I could have the opposite booth to ourselves as usual.

"Mary Lou's problem," I started, utilising my high school question answering techniques for the first time since high school. "Is a lack of ninjas."

Bobby and Lester exchanged a dubious glance. When they both eventually returned their eyes to me, they asked simultaneously, "How can we help?"

Unfortunately, their question was overpowered by the rumbling protest from the hulking man in the corner. "We're not ninjas," he informed me firmly, staring at a spot on the wall. By my guess he was probably pretending to look out the window, except there wasn't a window next to our dimly lit booth in the back of the restaurant. Just a whole lot of wall.

"Okay," I sighed, clearly one of them was going to make this harder than it needed to be. "Hear me out," I requested. "Kenny is turning ten -."

"Who's Kenny," Lester interrupted.

With an eye roll, I started again. "Mary Lou's son Kenny is turning ten. And he -."

"He wants ninjas at his birthday party?" Bobby asked, sipping his horrible, gross, good for him drink.

"What are you asking, Babe?" Ranger asked.

Tank reminded us, "We're not ninjas."

Clasping my hands together in my lap, so as not to hit any one of them – history told that I would only end up hurting myself – I took a deep breath and forged on. All of nothing. It was the only way to get through this without getting completely frustrated with them all. Probably, I should have just asked Ranger and had him drag the men into it with blackmail or whatever he used to keep them loyal. It was too late now though. "Mary Lou's son, Kenny, is turning ten. He's having a birthday party. It's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme. Mary Lou can't find -."

"We're not ninjas," Tank repeated once more. "Nor are we teenagers, mutants or turtles."

I was thiiiiiiiis close to attempting to wrap my scrawning hands around his gargantuan neck. "I'm not saying you're ninjas, or any of the other things," I told him exasperatedly. "I'm asking you to pretend, for one afternoon, to bring joy and happiness to a bunch of ten year old kids."

Silence covered the table as the men stared at each other for long moments. I sipped on my lemonade and ordered a meatball sub while I waited. Eventually, they either came to an agreement, or a stalemate, because all four men sat back, arms crossed over their chests.

"Do we have to dress up?" Ranger asked.

At the same time, Lester questioned, "Do we get to dress up?"

I nodded. "How do you expect to convince a bunch of kids that you're teenage mutant ninja turtles looking that that?" I asked, gesturing to their identical black uniforms. "The plus side is, you'll still match," I added, grinning as the waitress set down my sub. "Well, mostly. You'll have to wear different colour masks, cos that's what they do in the show."

"I call Mikey!" Lester exclaimed, hand straight up in the air, like he was in math class and had suddenly worked out the answer to a rather complicated sum in his head. We all looked at him. "What?" he asked, lowering his hand slowly. "I was a kid once."

The guys shook their heads, ignoring Lester and I found myself stuck in Ranger's gaze once more. "Will you be dressing up?" he asked.

I sighed, like it was a hardship, and informed them, "Unfortunately, there are only four ninja turtles."

"You can have my spot," Tank said mildly.

"The ninja turtles are all guys, too," I added.

Lester shook his head, hastily swallowing a mouthful of iced tea that may have come complete with ice. "Not true," he said with the same amount of authority that Bobby usually held when talking about injuries. "In 1997 to 98 there was a live action Ninja turtles series called the next mutation that featured a female ninja turtle named Venus de Milo. Or Venus for short."

Once again, we all stared at him. I don't know about anyone else, but I was doing some quick math in my head. I knew for a fact that it was 2014 now. And that Lester was currently thirty four years old. 1997 was seventeen years ago. That would put Lester at seventeen. Hardly a child…

"1998 was the year we joined the army," Bobby pointed out.

"Yes, it was," Lester agreed, studiously avoiding his gaze.

"Were you watching ninja turtles when you were eighteen years old?" Bobby asked.

Lester let out a noise, clearly forced. "Of course not," he assured us. "I just read about the series…"

"I don't think admitting to looking up Ninja Turtles shows more recently is going to help the guys perception of you," I informed him helpfully."

"They might be willing to sweep it under the rug if I told them that the ninja turtles had an incredibly hot female reporter that they hung out with," Lester retorted. "April O'Neil."

Ranger shook his head, the movement so slight that I could almost pretend it didn't happen. But then, of course, he opened his mouth. "Your offhand knowledge of this is disturbing," he said quietly. Then he turned to me once more, clarifying, "You want us to dress up like turtles and pretend to be ninjas?"

I nodded quickly. "It would really mean a lot to Mary Lou and Kenny." I paused. "And me. I'd be eternally grateful."

"What kind of payment can we expect for this?" Tank asked.

I cast around for a number both Mary Lou and I could afford, but it wasn't a very big total, so instead I shrugged. "All the pizza you can eat?"

Lester burst out laughing. "Hahahaa! Good one, Bomber!" he enthused. "Pizza! Cos we're the ninja turtles!"

"What's he on about?" Bobby asked, looking to me, since I was apparently the one to make the joke.

"No idea," I admitted.

Lester, having sobered from his laughing fit, stared at all of us for a change. "You're kidding," he said, sounding deadly seriously. "You don't get that reference?" We shook our heads. We really, really didn't. A sigh fell from his lips. "Meet at my apartment tonight, seven o'clock. If we're going to do this, you all need an education."

Did you watch TMNT as a child? Do you watch it now? If so, who's your favourite Ninja Turtle? Also, give me your predictions for which Rangeman ends up as which Turtle :D