Summary: Written for an MPREG crackfic challenge on dA. I've taken every pregnancy and/or MPREG stereotype and trope and just trashed it. So…please keep in mind that this is not my usual fare, and is written just as silly fun. We will return to our regularly scheduled angst-fics shortly!

Rated M for MPREG! And for the fact that Sephiroth says 'fuck' a lot, but you would too if you were he, in this particular story.

Usual disclaimer: Don't own FFVII, this is written for fun. And crack!

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT…..

"I don't know how I got in this condition anyway," Sephiroth grumbled, jerking the bedcovers to himself - and off of Cloud, leaving him shivering. "You're the feminine one."

"What?" Cloud balked at this, and turned around to face Sephiroth in the semi-darkness of their bedroom. Sephiroth was a bed hog, and Cloud had been crowded out toward the edge of their king-size bed. He scooted in toward the middle of the bed - toward Sephiroth - and slinked an arm around his lover's hips, hand grazing over the swollen abdomen. Cloud didn't know how it happened either, but Jenovian biology was a very strange thing, and somehow the two were about to become parents. How the birth could even occur without surgical intervention remained to be seen, although Sephiroth had been examined by Midgar's finest doctors, and the babies seemed to be healthy.

Babies, Cloud thought, feeling a bit dazed. Everything had happened so quickly - and was continuing to happen so quickly. Cloud hadn't even put together the cribs they'd picked out just a few weeks ago. So far the ultrasounds had shown three fetuses, but the obstetrician hadn't ruled out the possibility of even more. Given Sephiroth's Jenovian DNA, it seemed anything was possible -including male pregnancy.

"I never should have let you top. Ever," Sephiroth growled, swatting Cloud's hand away. Cloud let out a sigh, and nuzzled into a nest of silvery hair.

"Do you think that's what did it?" Cloud asked, feeling a swell of pride at this, knowing he fathered these children. He, Cloud Strife, the one the other kids made fun of in Nibelheim, had knocked up the most powerful SOLDIER the world had even seen.

"Of course that's what did it!" Sephiroth snapped, turning around to glare at Cloud. "This shouldn't be happening. If anyone should be fat and undesirable, it should be you."

"You're not fat," Cloud murmured, trying to sound reassuring. "And...I still desire you." The blond grinned wickedly, and drew Sephiroth's hand in between his legs. "See?"

"Get that thing away from me!" Sephrioth's fingers clawed around the rigid organ; smirking, he reached further back and grabbed Cloud by the balls, twisting them painfully, causing Cloud to howl in pain.

"Ow! Why are you doing this to me?" Cloud shouted. He knew Sephiroth was hormonal, but this was getting to be too much; the man was bordering on abusive. Then again, Sephiroth always had a bit of a cruel streak. There were times when Cloud enjoyed it. Scrotal twisting, however, was not one of those things.

"Because I can," Sephiroth replied simply. "I need to sleep, Cloud. Doctor's appointment in the morning," he reminded him.

"Okay..." Cloud said sadly as Sephiroth turned away from him again, his back toward him. Cloud turned and faced the opposite direction, staring at the wall until his eyes grew heavy, and he fell asleep.

The following morning, Sephiroth was up early, brewing coffee. He was dressed and ready to go when Cloud came downstairs, sleepy-eyed from a night of poor sleep. Cloud's tired expression turned to one of alarm when he saw Sephiroth drinking coffee right out of the pot.

"Sephiroth! You're not supposed to have that much caffeine!" Cloud shrieked, trying to grab the coffee pot away. Sephiroth tipped his head back and drained the rest, then glowered at Cloud, placing the empty pot in the sink.

"Guess you'll have to make your own," Sephiroth replied, grinning. "So sorry, Cloud," he added, mockingly.

"That was a ten cup pot!" Cloud exclaimed. "That's too much caffeine, it'll hurt the babies!"

"Oh, do shut up, Cloud," Sephiroth snarled. "This mother-hen bullshit of yours is getting to be too much. I want my fucking coffee, and that is that." A sharp, stabbing pain caught Sephiroth and actually made him gasp out loud as he doubled over. "Fuck!" he snapped, grabbing onto the countertop to steady himself. It was a bit too soon for labor - according to the last ultrasound and measurements taken at the obstetrician's office, there was another month of pregnancy to go.

"Seph, you're in pain - let me help - " Cloud deftly avoided Sephrioth's swatting hands, and helped his lover waddle over to the couch.

"Don't touch me," Sephiroth snapped. "You touching me is how this shit happened in the first place."

"I'm calling an ambulance," Cloud said firmly. Sephiroth's hand shot out and grabbed Cloud around the forearm, halting him.

"Don't you fucking dare," Sephiroth growled. "Call the Turks. I want to be airlifted to Midgar General. Immediately."

"Airlifted?" Cloud echoed dubiously. "I don't think there's room to land a helicopter in our back yard - "

"He can park in the gods-damned street, Cloud!" Sephiroth snapped. "Phone Tseng NOW, before I shove my fist up your ass!"

Cloud paused, trying to hide a smile, but he dutifully pulled out his cell phone and began dialing the Turks' main office number.

"I forgot," Sephiroth grumbled. "You would like that, wouldn't you, Cloud?" he said accusingly. "My fist up your ass?"

Cloud just grinned, and waited for someone to pick up on the other end. He groaned in annoyance when he realized who answered - and it wasn't Tseng.

"Oh shit, it's not Tseng...it's Reno," Cloud whispered loudly to Sephiroth, holding his mouth over the receiver.

"Yo, I can still fucking hear you, Strife," Reno snapped. "Maybe I don't want to talk to you either, you piece of shit - "

"Wait, Reno, don't hang up!" Cloud cried hastily. "We, uh...need a ride. In the helicopter. Can you come and get us?"

Reno chuckled at that. "Look, this ain't a fucking taxi service, Cloud. The choppers ain't for joyrides, or trips to the mall - "

"Oh shut up, Reno. I know you take the chopper out to Gold Saucer once a week to go to the Chocobo Races and gamble," Cloud cut in icily. Sephiroth gave Cloud an amused look, and laughed.

"Fuck off, Strife," Reno snapped. "Give me one good reason why I should drop everything to go and pick up your sorry ass – "

"It's not me!" Cloud protested. "It's Sephiroth! I think he's in labor!"

"Shit, Sephiroth is pregnant?" Reno gasped. He felt the room pitch and his face grew hot as he asked, "Wait. Is it mine?"

"What do you mean, is it yours?" Cloud bellowed. He gave Sephiroth a glare, but the general merely shrugged his shoulders. His breath hitched as another sharp pain hit him again, and he put a hand out to steady himself as the pain subsided.

"Tell him to get his skinny ass here now, or I will hang him, balls-first, from the propellers myself!" Sephiroth said menacingly. Cloud nodded, and relayed the message to Reno.

"He'll be here in just a few, Seph," Cloud told his lover after hanging up the phone, placing a couple of pillows beneath the general's neck as he attempted to get comfortable on the couch. Sephiroth's efforts to relax seemed somewhat futile, given his increased size, and he grunted in disgust as he settled very ungracefully into the little nest of pillows.

"I look like a fucking overweight marlboro," Sephiroth complained, swatting Cloud's hands away as he tried to adjust the pillows for Sephiroth. "Don't touch me! I'm a bloated sack."

"You are not, Seph!" Cloud argued gently. He knew Sephiroth felt miserable, and the guilt hit him hard again – this was entirely his fault. He was the one who had caused this, he hadn't even known such a thing was possible.

"Don't touch me… " Sephiroth muttered again, though his protestation was half-hearted at best, he was tired, and starting to nod off for a brief nap as Cloud's fingers stroked his hair. Soon, he would wake to the sound of rotors, once Reno arrived as promised with the helicopter.

"Damn…." Reno let out a low whistle as Sephiroth waddled out to the chopper. Cloud gave the outspoken Turk a warning glance, but Reno, oblivious as ever, ignored it.

"Whaddaya got in there, quadruplets?" The query was met with a punch to the face, and Sephiroth sneered as the blood flowed from Reno's cut lip.

"Sephiroth – please, we need him to fly us out – " Cloud pleaded, trying to keep the peace. He helped Sephiroth into the chopper as Reno rubbed his sore jaw, glaring at the silver-hair. Cloud gave him a look.

"Reno, I get that you're doing us a favor, but that was really an asshole thing to say," Cloud chastised him.

"This is why I wanted Tseng, and not him," Sephiroth grumbled. Dark circles had formed underneath his eyes; he'd slept horribly due to the discomfort and pain of pregnancy, and was in no mood for Reno's bullshit.

"Come on, Sephiroth….I'm sorry," Reno reluctantly apologized, sinking into the pilot's seat. He really did feel like a heel now, but his mouth, as usual, had gotten ahead of his brain. Besides, Sephiroth was huge.

"I really am sorry, yo. You know I'm a fucking jerk and can't keep my mouth shut." Reno hung his head unhappily. It wasn't the first time, nor would it be the last, that he'd put his foot in his mouth.

"Won't argue with that – " Sephiroth muttered hoarsely, then a guttural roar escaped as another wave of contractions hit.

"Reno, hurry!" Cloud urged, and the Turk nodded, lifting off immediately.

"We'll be there in a few minutes, I promise," Reno assured them. He glanced back quickly at Sephiroth, concerned.

"Ah….how's the baby coming out, anyway?" Reno asked benignly. It was a valid question, but one that caused great consternation to Sephiroth.

"How the fuck do you think it'll come out, Reno?" Sephiroth snapped. "If I can't shit it out, I suppose they'll have to cut me open." Cloud turned pale and began stammering nervously, half to himself.

"Just stop it right now," Sephiroth glared at Cloud. "Gods, Cloud. Get your shit together, you're not the one who's pregnant! Great Minerva, I'm glad you're not my birth coach, you don't have the stomach for this."

"Wait….isn't Cloud the father, here? Why isn't he your coach?" Reno asked, unable to contain his curiosity.

"Zack is my labor coach," Sephiroth replied shortly. "And gods help him if he starts up with that cheerful shit of his, I might break his nuts." Reno wisely did not grace Sephiroth with a reply; he was honestly afraid to say anything to the man at all at this point.

Gods…he's enough of a bastard when he's not pregnant, Reno mused as they flew toward the hospital, only several miles away by now. Though I really do wonder if the baby is mine…. Reno glanced back at Cloud, opened his mouth to speak – and then wisely, shut it.

Nope. Nope. Not going there. Guess we'll see how it comes out. If the little brat comes out having red hair, then I'll fucking know. Reno began laughing stupidly, and Cloud frowned.

"What? What in the hell is so funny?" Cloud called toward the cockpit, sounding indignant.

"Ah….nothing, yo. Nothing."

They arrived quickly to the hospital as Reno had promised, landing right on the rooftop helipad of Midgar General. Sephiroth pitched a fit over the wheelchair being offered to him, insisting that he could walk, even though the pressure in his lower abdomen was making that nearly impossible.

"It's hospital policy, sir – " the orderly insisted, immediately backing away from Sephiroth's threatening stare. They were about halfway into the lift when Sephiroth felt the pains come again and he leaned against Cloud for support. The very thought was absurd, Sephiroth mused irritably – Cloud to be the one supporting him? And yet he had, hadn't he? All these many months, Cloud had been there by his side, preparing fish and chips at one in the morning whenever he got an ill-timed craving; rubbing Sephiroth's pregnancy-swollen feet, and holding his hair back when he vomited during the first signs of morning sickness.

After a few argumentative moments, Sephiroth finally agreed to the wheelchair, but only after he felt another twinge of pain, accompanied by lightheadedness. Nothing Sephiroth couldn't bear – he had a ridiculously high threshold of pain as it was.

Sephiroth smiled slightly up at Cloud as he sank down into the wheelchair.

"You know, Cloud? You're a keeper…" Sephiroth murmured, and Cloud wondered if maybe the pain was getting to his lover's head.

Either that, or I'm hallucinating the whole thing, Cloud thought.

Sephiroth was whisked up to his room - a private birthing suite, and an eager Zack was already there, and the general was dismayed to see the puppy was his annoyingly chipper self.

"Sephiroth! There you are!" Zack chirped. "How's the pain? They give you anything for it? Remember, if the pain gets too bad, you don't have to take drugs – you can walk around, do some squats – "

"I will not," Sephiroth hissed, "be doing any fucking squats, Zack! Are you mental? Cloud," Sephiroth said pleadingly. "I can't do this. It fucking hurts – I can take the pain, it's not that, it's just that those little bastards are not going to fit out my ass! There's too much pressure – "

"We have the surgeon standing by, Sephiroth," Cloud reassured him. "I can have the nurse call her – "

"Do it! Don't just stand there, have the doctor cut these little demons out of me – " Sephiroth yelped, a sharp pain running through him like a hot knife through butter. "Gods…..this sucks. I feel like a zeppelin that's about to explode. You are changing all their shitty diapers, Cloud, I swear to Minerva – "

"Sephiroth? I found your MP3 player, maybe listening some soft music will help?" Zack interrupted, having rummaged through the overnight bag that Cloud had hurriedly packed for him. Cloud gave Zack a warning look, but it was futile. Zack would not be spared from Sephiroth's wrath.

"Do you really think music will help at this point? These children are about to burst through my abdomen – "

"Oh, like that movie we saw last week, huh Seph? With the aliens chewing their way out of the guy's chest – What? Shit…I probably shouldn't have said that…sorry, Seph," Zack hung his head like a guilty child.

"You are the worst labor coach ever. Bar none," Sephiroth muttered, glaring. "Get him out of here!"

Zack wore a wounded look at Sephiroth's outburst, like that of a kicked puppy, but he left, giving Cloud a wave and a thumbs up.

"I'll wait out there with Reno…and Cid, and Barret, and Tifa and Aerith…." Zack's voice trailed off, and Cloud and Sephiroth both looked at the puppy quizzically.

"What….when did they all get here?" Cloud asked, shrugging his shoulders. He certainly hadn't had time to phone all of their friends.

"Oh….I called everyone!" Zack said brightly. "I thought you'd want everyone to know!"

"Wonderful," Sephiroth replied, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Thank you so much for your help, Zack."

"Any time, Sephiroth!" Zack replied cheerfully, exiting the room before Sephiroth was wheeled down to the operating room.

"Idiot," Sephiroth snarled, throwing a slipper at the door. Cloud snorted a laugh.

Cloud nearly fainted from the size of the needle for the epidural, which Sephiroth insisted he didn't need, but Cloud had begged him to get the anesthetic just in case. "They're cutting you open. It might hurt," Cloud had reminded him.

"It won't hurt," Sephiroth argued. "It's fucking uncomfortable as hell, but it won't hurt. I just want it out. However many there are, I want all of them out."

The blond swallowed hard and held tightly to Sephiroth's hand as the needle plunged into his spine. "Oh…I feel dizzy…"

"Don't look at the needle, Cloud. Just don't look at it." The nurse spoke firmly as she tried to turn Cloud away, but he resisted, wanting to be there for Sephiroth.

"Wuss," Sephiroth taunted, though his voice had weakened. He could feel the needle in his spine, and it just felt creepy. A sheet was blocking his view as the surgical area was prepped, and Sephiroth frowned at this. He didn't like not seeing everything that was going on.

"Lose the sheet, please," Sephiroth ordered. "I would like to observe while the doctor is working."

The assisting doctors and nurses appeared somewhat surprised by the request. "If you're sure you can handle it – " The surgeon shrugged. "It's fine with me."

"He can handle it," Cloud said weakly. "I'm not sure if I can." Sephiroth sighed irritably, and Cloud squeezed his hand again.

"I don't like seeing you hurt," Cloud said quietly, and Sephiroth nodded. He understood, and though it was on the tip of Sephiroth's tongue to cast blame at Cloud once again – after all, this was pretty much his fault – he wanted to get this over with. Sephiroth was curious, too, if these children would be demon spawn from hell, or cute little angelic creatures.

"Angels and demons," Sephiroth muttered, grimacing. "All right. I can't feel a gods-damned thing, Doctor. Let's get moving here, slice me open." The surgeon raised an eyebrow in surprise but nodded, pulling her goggles down as she prepped the surgical area.

"I'm Doctor Bridget Love," the surgeon said by way of introduction. "We'll have these babies out in no time at all." Cloud shut his eyes tightly as the first incision was made, Sephiroth's innards splayed open in a most gruesome fashion. The general hardly seemed to mind the gore; he was trying to sit up, but the surgical nurse firmly ordered him to stay down.

"Fine," Sephiroth growled. "Can someone fetch a mirror, then? I really would like to see my children being born." The nurse nodded, and signaled to another to bring an extra mirror by, setting it up at an angle so that Sephiroth could watch the surgeon at work.

Cloud, still clad in his scrubs, slumped into a chair as the surgeon continued cutting through layers of skin, and muscle, looking up only when the nurse nudged him to get his attention.

"The first one's coming out," she whispered. "Don't you want to see it?"

"Okay…." Cloud said nervously. All the excitement and anticipation he'd felt had given way to raw nerves and nausea. What the hell are we getting into? I'm not ready to be a –

"Congratulations, sirs…the first one appears to be a boy." A spray of black and white feathers flew out as tiny wings extended from the back of the silver-haired little infant, and the baby cried out, taking his first breaths of air.

"Two wings? One black and one white?" Sephiroth appeared surprised at first, then shrugged his shoulders.

"At least he won't fly in circles with one wing, like you do," Cloud teased. Sephiroth glared at him and stuck out his tongue.

"Whatever, Cloud," Sephiroth retorted. " Hmm. Let's name him…Orion, like we discussed. One of the few names we both agreed upon."

"Orion," Cloud echoed, nodding his head. "Yeah. I like that."

"There are two more in here…." The surgeon gently lifted the other two babies out of Sephiroth's abdomen, and announced that they were both girls; one was blonde, one red-haired, and both sported bicolor wings like their brother.

"Andromeda," Sephiroth declared, nodding at the smaller one, who appeared to have reddish fuzz atop of her head. "Andromeda…and the other, the blonde one – Aurora." All three infants were taken off to the side and quickly cleaned up, then handed back to Cloud and Sephiroth as the surgeon began stitching Sephiroth back up.

"I like the names," Cloud murmured, beaming. He frowned a bit, scrutinizing the babies' little faces. "Okay…so…Orion looks like you, with the silver hair and green eyes. And Aurora looks like me. But…Andromeda? She has red hair. Actually – " Cloud made a choking sound.

"She looks like Reno! It's true, isn't it – you fucked him! You fucked Reno!" Cloud hissed, and Sephiroth glared at him.

"Such language in front of the children," Sephiroth admonished him. Cloud glared, vowing to have DNA testing done later, grateful that at least Hojo wasn't around to administer the tests.

Later on, Sephiroth was brought back to his room from the operating room, and requested a steak dinner as soon as he was given the all-clear to eat. The babies were in bassinettes by the bed, and a weary-looking Cloud lay on the pull-out sofa, nodding off.

Suddenly, a gaggle of visitors appeared, along with the nurse, who had arrived with the birth certificates for Sephiroth to sign. "Wait – this one is wrong. The boy. His name is not Onion Strife!" The general bellowed. "It's Orion!"

"Onion…..Onion?" Cloud muttered, snorting a laugh. "Just our luck…."

"We'll get that one corrected," the nurse reassured him. "If you'll sign the other two?"

"No," Sephiroth refused. "I will sign them all at once, or none at all."

"Ey, cute little fuckers!" Cid crowed, peering at the three sleeping infants. "That one don't look like either one of you, though," he added, pointing at Andromeda. "Red hair an' all." An awkward silence fell over the room, and Cloud glared, looking around for Reno, who was conspicuously absent.

"I brought cigars!" Barret announced. "Ah, I don't know what the hell to do aroun' babies. So here. Have a cigar!" He passed the box around, letting everyone grab one.

"I don't think we can smoke in here – " Zack cautioned, but Cid was already lighting his up.

"Whatever," Cid snorted. "Who's gonna stop me from smoking?" Tifa frowned, and snatched the cigar from his mouth.

"Me, that's who," Tifa said firmly. "How are you feeling, Sephiroth?" she asked the general sweetly.

"Like shit," Sephiroth muttered, chewing his steak. "Better now that I have food, though." Everyone's head turned as Orion flapped his little wings, attempting to take flight from the bassinette.

"No! Not yet, Orion!" Cloud flew over to the bassinette, grabbing the semi-airborne baby; just as he did so, he felt fullness in the infant's diaper that hadn't been there before.

"Smells worse than rotten mako," Cloud moaned, bringing the baby over to the changing table.

"So, ya gonna breastfeed these kids or what, Sephiroth?" Cid asked cheerfully. Sephiroth flipped his hair and glared openly at everyone.

"Everyone but Cloud….GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM RIGHT NOW!" Sephiroth roared loudly, causing all three babies to cry.

"You made them cry," Zack said, incredulous. "Damn. You made your own kids cry!"

"Yes, I'm an asshole. Now get out," Sephiroth snapped. As soon as the door closed, he sat up in the bed, dangling his feet over the side. "Bring them over to me, please," Sephiroth said quietly.

Cloud nodded, and brought the children over to Sephiroth.

"Hn," he muttered, studying them "Well – this one is probably not yours, Cloud. But I'm sure you figured that out by now."

"So it is Reno's!" Cloud exclaimed. "I knew it! But how? How is that possible?"

"You really don't remember, do you?" Sephiroth grinned evilly. "New Year's Eve. You were there, Cloud. And so was Reno."

"We – ah – did we…?" Cloud stammered. Things were coming back to him in a foggy sort of recollection. He did remember seeing Reno naked – but then again, Reno was often naked, it didn't have to mean anything. Yet, the Turk had been acting oddly around Cloud and Sephiroth for a long time.

"Did we fuck?" Sephiroth finished for him, then seemed to suddenly realize his children were lying in his arms. "Oh – I have to stop that, don't I. Cursing. In front of the kids."

"What the hell's the difference?" Cloud shrugged. "Cid and Barret are a bad enough influence on Marlene and Denzel…"

"Point taken," Sephiroth nodded. "So….about Reno. Suppose we should tell him?"

"Yes, we should. I'll call him," Cloud replied eagerly. "And we'll make him change the damned diapers."

Sephiroth laughed. "Agreed. It's the least he could do."

"I'm glad you're in a better mood now," Cloud said hesitantly. "I don't want you to be pregnant, ever again. It was hell."

"I know I was an asshole," Sephiroth contended, sighing. "What can I say? You try carrying demon spawn around in your belly for nine months – "

"No," Cloud cut him off. "Just no. I'm getting a vasectomy, by the way. Tomorrow," he added.

"Thank Gaia," Sephiroth murmured. "And make Reno get one too. Just in case."