Title: Take Me back To The Start

Summary: After nine years the ailing health of Tara's dad brings her back to Charming with a kid along. What if Tara had gotten pregnant and had returned a year before she did on the show?

Disclaimer: No one belongs to me. Sadly. They all belong to Kurt Sutter. If they did, however belong to me, some things would've been slightly different.

Author's Note: So this is my first Sons of Anarchy fic. I started watching the show on Netflix and of course fell in love with Jax/Tara. I hop you guys like it! It's just an idea I had and wouldn't go away, basically, so we'll see where it goes. I hope every one is in character, so please let me know if they aren't! Please review! Enjoy!

Warning: Swearing.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

The Scientist By Coldplay

Chapter 1: How We Got Here

The first test was positive so Tara Knowles being who she was had to take a second test just to make sure. When the second test came back positive she had to take a third test because she wasn't able to come to terms with the first two. When the third test came back positive she bought two more Pregnancy Tests because there was no fucking way she was pregnant.

Girls like Tara didn't get pregnant at the age of nineteen, two months after leaving her hometown to go to college. It had been two months since she left Charming. The fight with Jax was still ringing in her ears, the tears were still hot on her cheeks, and she still could see the anger in his eyes.

If she returned two months later, pregnant, and begging for forgiveness she wasn't sure if he would take her back. She wasn't even sure she wanted to go back. Mostly, she had no idea what the fuck she was going to do. She had graduated high school, just turned nineteen, and was currently in college.

She had been in college two months so far and she loved it. She loved the learning, the reading, the people, it was everything Charming wasn't and it was easy to hide her past away.

Even though she loved college she missed Jax more than she'd ever missed anything in her entire life. The idea of returning wasn't completely terrible, but then she'd remembered the last few months of the summer they had, had together.

She had told him in the middle of her senior year that she was seriously considering going to college. Sure, she had talked about it over the three years they had been together, but she'd never told him outright what she was doing. When she had gotten her acceptance letter he'd been both angry and proud of her. One minute he'd be snarling at her for leaving him and the next he'd be telling her that he was proud she was doing something no one else he knew had done.

She'd tried to talk him into coming with her, she'd spent most of the second semester of high school trying to talk him into it, but he kept telling her his place was at the club. He had gotten patched in when he turned eighteen and she had spent a lot of time worrying about his whereabouts and wellbeing. He kept telling her that it was pointless to worry, that he'd be ok, but then she got that dreaded phone call from Gemma. He had been arrested right before her high school graduation.

She had gone to visit him every chance she got that summer and had hidden telling him the truth about school, but then the end of June came, followed by July, then August and she knew she had to tell him. He had been moody, angry, and withdrawn. She didn't blame him, but she expected him to at least support her. He'd spent all of their time right before she left in jail until he was released a week before she left. They had made love more times than she could count and now as she looked back on that week of complete bliss she couldn't remember if they had used protection.

It didn't matter anyway, Jax was the only one she'd ever been with, but still she was pregnant, with no idea what to do. Go back to Charming and talk to Jax, try and work things out, or stay in San Diego become the doctor she had always dreamed of and try to raise the child herself.

She'd considered an abortion, but after much deliberation she didn't think she could get rid of a child Jax and her had made out of love. So she opted to go back to Charming and tell Jax about the child growing within her, but like so many well-laid plans her's didn't go accordingly.

She arrived in Charming on Thanksgiving feeling like this was the worst idea ever. The bus dropped her off at the station and she began to walk to her dad's house in her old neighborhood. Her cousin had given her some money for food and shelter, but Tara figured she could at least stay with her dad instead of at one of the dingy hotels on the outside of town. She had made it halfway to her father's house when a familiar car pulled up beside her. She looked at the driver's side and wasn't surprised to see Gemma Teller-Morrow staring back at her with a smug look.

"College kick you out?" she said staring at the young girl.

Tara bit her lip and looked away.

Gemma, until she had found out she was going to college had been a very influential part of Tara's life. Initially when Tara was young Gemma used to treat Tara as the daughter she never had. Since her mother had died Gemma helped Tara as often as she could. Everyone in town new Frank Knowles was an abusive violent drunk and Gemma took pity on the girl, for reasons no one could ever fully understand.

Frank often went to the clubhouse parties and left Tara in the car or even brought her inside on some occasions. Gemma made sure to watch out for the little girl, but after Jax showed an interest in her Gemma became wary of Tara. Gemma didn't reach out to her like she used to and when Tara would come to dinner she'd try and keep Jax and Tara apart as much as she could.

After the first year of dating she began to let up a bit and even began to talk about what Tara would look forward to when she became an Old Lady. But then Jax went to jail and Tara revealed that she was going to college and Gemma became distant and angry with her.

Tara often wondered if Gemma was projecting Jax's feelings onto her or if Gemma felt abandoned by the brunette teenager just like Jax. Regardless all of the old fuzzy feelings Tara used to have for Gemma were buried deep inside, unlikely to see the daylight again.

"I'm here to visit." Tara said quietly looking Gemma straight in the eye.

Gemma smirked slightly and nodded into the passenger seat.

"Hop in I'll give you a lift."

Tara nodded and went over to the other side putting her book bag down between her feet.

"We didn't expect you back so soon after your left. You caused quite a scene." Gemma commented.

"Yeah…I guess part of me wanted to set things right." She mumbled staring out the window. She was wringing her hands nervously wondering if telling Gemma about her pregnancy was the right thing to do. Gemma had given her advice before, hell she was even the one to take Tara to the Free Clinic to get a prescription for birth control, but for some reason Tara kept her mouth closed. As much as she wanted to spill her guts something told her not to, especially to her ex's mother.

"Jax will be happy to see you." Gemma said quietly.

Tara's head snapped up to meet hers, but she was busy concentrating on the road so Tara couldn't tell if she was mocking her or not.

"How's he doing?"

"Fine. Fine. You know." Gemma said waving the question away. They were quiet as they drove through the sunny town and as they drove closer to her house Tara began to recognize her old neighborhood.

"Does your dad know your coming home?" Gemma asked curiously.

Tara shook her head, "no."

"So are you really here to make things right?" Gemma inquired.

Tara smiled slightly. "Yeah, I am."

"You know he was heartbroken when you left. After that fight…" Gemma trailed off with a sigh.

"I'm sorry." Tara said quietly.

Gemma glanced at her, "It's not me you should be apologizing too."

Tara bit her lip from spitting out the truth. They sat in silence until Gemma pulled into the driveway both noting that the black Cutlass Frank Knowles was so proud of was absent in the driveway.

"He's probably at the bar." She said quietly.

"How about you come to dinner at our house. I was just running errands when I saw you. I have to finish making the turkey and stuffing anyway." Gemma said and Tara really wanted to think that Gemma was just being nice, but Tara knew her too well. Gemma wanted to make sure Tara didn't leave town again until she made things right with her son.

As much as Gemma was happy that the hold Tara had on Jax was over, it also hurt seeing her son in so much pain. She hadn't been lying when she said he was heartbroken. She shoved girls at him, made him his favorite foods, and even got Clay to buy him a new bike, but nothing worked. Initially when they started seeing each other Gemma doubted it would last, but after seeing how crazy they were for each other for three years she figured they would settle down and get married. She was even beginning to look forward to Tara as a daughter-in-law. She was smart, driven, and had all the right qualities to be a good Old Lady, Gemma was looking forward to shaping her into what she could be, but Tara wanted more than Jax could give her, she wanted more than Charming offered her.

"Sure." Tara said softly.

The drive to the Teller-Morrow residence was filled with tense silence. Gemma tried to get her to talk about school, but the more questions she asked the more Tara shut down. Gemma figured it was because of seeing Jax, which was partially true, but Tara was more worried about how to tell Jax about the baby.

Before leaving San Diego her cousin had taken her to the doctor's and gotten her checked out. She was eleven weeks pregnant and healthy as could be. Tara even had a little ultrasound to show Jax.

The house was bustling when they arrived and after telling herself everything was going to be ok Tara finally got out of the car. She helped Gemma unload the groceries and then much to her surprise Gemma told her to go find everyone and saw hello. Much like the invitation to dinner Tara was skeptical about Gemma's true intentions and didn't realize what they were until she was upstairs and in the hallway that led to Jax's room. She heard the familiar knocking of the bedpost against the wall and her stomach dropped in realization that Jax wasn't alone in his bedroom.

She stood in the hallway debating if she should continue forward and knock on the door, but then the door of the bathroom beside her opened and Opie stepped out.

"Tara!" Opie exclaimed upon seeing Tara in the hall and standing by the room he had just vacated.

He followed her eyes and grimaced hearing the sounds coming from inside the room across from them. It sounded like a porno was being filmed inside Jax's bedroom.

"How are you, Tara?" he asked glad when he saw her gaze move from the door to him.

"Fine." Tara said softly.

"What brings you home?"

"Thanksgiving."

He nodded and they looked at each other not knowing what to say.

"I'm sure Jax will be done soon." Opie said awkwardly.

Tara smiled sadly, "that's what I'm afraid of."

As if on cue the door swung open and a disheveled blonde came out of the bedroom. The smell of booze, cigarettes, weed, and sex infiltrated the air and Tara tried to hold back the gag that threatened to rise from her throat.

The woman glared at Tara and then pushed past her to go to the bathroom. Opie glanced at Tara not knowing what to do in this situation. Once upon a time he and Tara had been good friends, but now he knew after the breakup he had to side with Jax, they were brothers after all.

But one look at Tara's crestfallen face made Opie want to hug her and make her feel better. He knew comforting the distraught girl was against bro-code, but she looked so upset at seeing the croweater emerge from Jax's room half naked.

"Get me a beer!" Jax yelled from the room and his voice seemed to jerk Tara back to reality.

She moved towards the stairs and as she reached the top stair she saw a glimpse of Gemma staring at her from the bottom. Tara gulped and knew that despite what was going on between her and Jax, there was a baby on the way and he did have a right to know that. She turned on her heel, pushed past Opie and barged into Jax's room. She watched with mild satisfaction as he jerked upright in bed and stared at her in shock.

"Tara?" he asked angrily once his shock had worn off enough so he could find his voice.

"I have to talk to you." she said firmly.

"Can't it wait? I'm a bit busy." He snapped as the blonde croweater came back in the room.

"Didn't I tell you to get a beer?" Jax snarled at her.

"Who the fuck is she?" the croweater asked glaring at Tara.

Tara crossed her arms over her chest and kept her eyes trained on Jax.

"Jax, please, it's important." She said hoping that he'd tell the croweater to fuck off so they could talk.

Jax stared at her long and hard before looking over at the croweater who looked angrily at Tara and confused at Jax.

"Tara, this is my new girl, Melody." He said boldly and Tara felt anger curling in her stomach.

"Girl? Me? Really?" the girl said in excitement.

Tara looked back and forth between them. She knew Jax was lying, but the fact he would say that this skank was his girl was beyond hurtful. She knew he wanted to get back at her for leaving him by rubbing in her face how easily he was getting pussy, but knowing that didn't make her feel better. In fact it made her feel worse. Jax was intentionally hurting her.

Jax ignored her and kept his eyes trained on Tara trying to see through the stony façade she had on.

"Fine." Tara said finally backing down and leaving the room. She went back into the hallway and straight into the bathroom to try to calm down. She looked at herself in the mirror and told herself that everything would be ok.

"Get it together, Knowles." She whispered to herself gripping the edges of the bathroom sink and counting down from ten. All she had to do was tell him and then she could leave. She could go back to San Diego and live her life. She just had to do the right thing and tell him. Was it really going to be so hard?

Once she felt calmed down enough she went downstairs just in time to hear that dinner was being served. She sat next to Kyle and Opie and waited for everyone else to sit down. Jax and his croweater sat across from her and she tried to ignore them. Kyle talked to her most of the night about the classes she was taking and she was pretty surprised at him until she felt his hand on her thigh. She frowned at him and moved away subtly enough as to not draw any attention to herself.

She looked around at the group of men she'd known for her entire life and let herself think about what it would be like to raise a kid in this environment. The baby would have no choice, but to join in the club, it's destiny already written out for it. She wouldn't get a say in the parenting because of Gemma and Jax would always be hurting her with the various women he fooled around with. When they were together on and off for the three years he never cheated on her, to her knowledge. But when they broke up he'd slept with as many woman as possible and usually she found out about that. He always said that it meant nothing and she was the only one he wanted and loved. He always told her she was the only one he'd ever love.

She imagined raising a child with all of that as factors. Her and Jax's I-Will-Die-Without-You relationship where they could only be apart for a few hours before needing the other, Gemma's controlling, and the club's violence. Not to mention her alcoholic of a father hitting her when he was drunk and feeling remorseful when he was sober. None of that was how she wanted to raise a kid, but she still had to tell Jax.

After dinner she helped Gemma and the others clean the dishes. When they were done the girls dispersed, but Gemma tugged Tara in the corner to talk with her. Before Gemma could speak though, Jax came barreling into the room.

"We can talk now." He said glaring at Tara.

Tara nodded and glanced over at Gemma who immediately left the kitchen, although she had the sinking suspicion she was right outside the door listened.

The two exes stared at each other neither wanting to be the first to break, but finally Jax spoke.

"Why are you here?" he demanded to know.

Tara smirked slightly, "your mom invited me."

"I meant in Charming."

Tara looked away studying the various pictures on the wall.

"Well, I um wanted to apologize first for how we left things. I think, we both said some things we didn't mean."

"Like you calling me a manwhore?" he snapped.

She sighed and gritted her teeth trying to maintain some semblance of control.

"You are a manwhore." She said instead of the placating she was going to do.

His eyes narrowed, "and you're still a bitch."

"Jax, I didn't come here to fight."

"Then what did you come here for?"

"I told you—"

"Well maybe I don't want your apology. Maybe you leaving was the best thing that happened to me. Now, I fuck whomever I want, I can do whatever I want, and I can go wherever I want without having to think about you. You leaving really opened my eyes, Tara, and I'm glad your gone." He snarled hurtfully. Maybe it was the alcohol speaking or all of his pent up frustration and anger about her leaving, but the words flowed from his mouth without thinking. He wanted to hurt her as badly as she hurt him. He needed to know that she was just as miserable without him as he was without her.

"I don't need you anymore." He added trying to look into her eyes, but failing. Despite wanting to hurt her as badly as he'd been hurting for the last two months, he couldn't stand to see the pain, disappointment, and sadness in her hazel eyes all because of him.

"You want me gone? You want nothing to do with me for the rest of your life? Truly?" Tara whispered putting a hand subconsciously to her stomach.

Jax nodded unable to say 'yes.'

She looked up at the ceiling and tried to blink back her tears. There were so many things she wanted to say to him, but had no idea where to start. Instead she took the easy way out and opted to run back to San Diego.

"Have fun with your croweaters, Jax." She said before turning and walking out of the kitchen.

She thought of their last fight the night before she left for San Diego. She thought of all the hurtful things they yelled at each other and then how they screwed each other's brains out to get rid of the hurt they caused one another. When she woke up the next morning he was gone, a note in his place stating he had club business and to wait for him. Later as her cousin drove her out of Charming and they left her house she watched with tears in her eyes as he came riding up the street and jogged up to the front door as if expecting to see her. As if he expected her to wait for him until he was done with club business. That's how it always went. The club came first and she came second. She wasn't going to do that to their kid too.

After leaving Jax in the kitchen she found Gemma sitting on Clay's lap.

"I wanted to thank you for inviting me. I should go." Tara said smiling down at the matriarch.

"Did you really expect he would wait for you, baby? You didn't wait for him." she stated giving Tara a hard look.

Tara stiffened and shook her head. "No. I guess Jax has moved on and now so will I."

"The next time you come back, baby, you should be ready to fight for what you want." Gemma advised.

Tara nodded and bid her goodbye making a silent promise never to return to Charming as long as she lived. She'd be fine on her own with her baby and her future career as a doctor. Sure, it would take a long time, but it would be worth it in the end.

Nine Years Later: Late November

Tara couldn't believe how cold Chicago was. She was hurrying to her last day of her Residency after dropping of TJ at school.

She couldn't believe how big her baby was getting. He was almost nine and she couldn't believe how much he looked like a mixture of her and Jax. He had dark blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and the same charming smile that Jax had. Although despite his dominant features from his father he was also very similar to her. He was quiet around strangers, very smart, and liked to read a lot. When people got to know him, he was the most charming and charismatic kid, but at times he became very pensive and quiet.

The biggest thing he got from Jax, was his love of bikes. Whenever they saw one on the road or gas station or in movies he went crazy for them. It still amazed her despite the fact he'd never met Jax how similar they were. It really must be nature to make them so similar despite never meeting.

Some days when TJ asked about his dad she felt guilty and sad for depriving him of that, but on the other hand she was glad she could keep her son away from that life and the pain Tara was sure would be caused. The words he last spoke to her still rang in her ears and when she dreamed she still saw his face, but she didn't want to force him into being a dad. Especially with how he was constantly sleeping with women left and right. She did feel guilty about not giving him the choice and sometimes she wondered what would've happened if she had told him, but there was nothing she could do about it now.

She had just reached the hospital when her phone began to ring. She looked down at the caller ID and frowned not recognizing the number, but instantly recognizing the area code.

"Hello." She answered standing outside the hospital doors.

"May I please speak to Ms. Knowles?" an unknown voice said.

"Speaking." She said warily.

"This is Dr. Henry at St. Thomas in Charming California." He said and instantly her breath caught in her throat.

"Yes?" she choked out.

There was a pause on the other end. "I'm afraid I have some bad news." He began.

Tara nodded as Dr. Henry began to tell her how her father had been battling Leukemia for years now as well as a failing liver. None of this was news to her. She had spoken with her father maybe twice a year; once on her birthday and once on his. He'd never met TJ, but they had talked on the phone during the biannual phone call.

"I'm afraid he's dying, Tara, and would like very much for you and your son to come see him." Dr. Henry said quietly.

Tara nodded and tried to sound removed like she did when she delivered bad news to families. Being detached would help in this situation. Before she was even able to fully grasp what she was saying though the words were out before she could stop them. "I'll be there on the next flight out."

She hung up soon after that and turned to go into the hospital. Only when she was doing her rounds a few minutes later did she fully acknowledge the weight of her words. She was returning to Charming. She was going home.

(A/n: So continue or not to continue?)