"Uncle Abed! Tell us a story!" Liza said.

"Predictable," Abed rolled his eyes.

"What?" Jack said, leaning up his pillows.

"The three of you were sent up here because it's past your age appropriate bedtimes while your parents continue to enjoy the Holiday party downstairs. Having me tell you a bedtime story, while a classic diversionary tactic, is the height of predictability. Audiences expect a twist these days, even when starting the beginning of a story."

"What?" Jack blinked, his thin eyebrows narrowing in confusion.

"Oh right…" Abed said. "Kids… to translate… I know you're trying to trick me into telling you a story to avoid going to sleep."

"Please Uncle Abed!" Liza said. "We love your stories!"

"Even when they're not on the tv!" Jack added.

"Hmmm now it's flattery," Abed said.

"We promise to be extras in your next thing!" Liza smiled brightly, her big eyes sparkling with just a hint of mischief.

Abed pursed his lips for a moment then glanced at the door, hearing the members of his old Study Group laughing at something Troy said.

"You're parents have told me I can't use you guys, even though your facial symmetry would prove optimal in one of my Hawthorne Wipes adds…" Abed said.

"We can convince them!" Jack said. "Liza can get Dad to do anything."

Liza merely giggled wickedly. What Jack said was by now, a well documented fact. Abed knew that much.

"Alright, I suppose I can give you a Rankin/Bass Special," Abed said, turning on the flashlight app on his phone and shining it just under his face. "But if I tell you a story you have to follow the rules."

"What rules?" Liza said. "How can you have a story with rules?"

"I hate rules!" Jack moaned and sank back in his pillows.

"These ones are easy," Abed said. "No interruptions, no crying if it gets too scary, and no, absolutely no nightmares after it's over. And I'll know if you do because your parents will get after me if you do."

And that was all it took. Both children sat up now, fully enthralled with rules that sounded more like a dare than restrictions. Abed thought for a second, not expecting it to fully work, he'd planned on at least another two minutes of backtalk to stall with while he planned the story.

"So…" Jack said.

"This is the story…" Abed said, drawing out his words in a pseudo dramatic fashion to buy time.

"The story of what?" Liza said.

Abed's eyes caught the Christmas tree standing in the corner. It was bedecked with all the usual trappings of any Christmas tree, nothing special about it. Except for one item caught his eye. An item that reminded him of another Christmas long ago. One very special to all of them, or at least that's the way he made it seem.

"This is the Story of BallerAnnie," Abed said with a smile, the narrative gears in his brain began to click and process.

"BallerAnnie?" Liza said. "But that's-"

"What did I say about interruptions?" Abed said.

"Sorry," Liza said, her chestnut hair falling into her face as she looked down at her blankets.

"That's strike one," Abed said, then leaned the light a little closer to his face to get their attention. "Now we can begin our tale…"

….

Our story begins on the most Christmasy planet of them all. Planet Abed. Now don't look at me like that, it's an actual planet, with mysterious doors that lead to all the other planets where Christmas is celebrated at. The North Pole is there because Santa can use the different doors to get to every world Christmas is celebrated on.

On one particular day, Santa was riding his sleigh across a frozen lake just below the Menorah Mountain. He was in a hurry because they were making last minute preparations for Christmas. The sleigh had just had some work done to it and he was taking it out for a test drive.

Just as he was about to cross the lake, his sleigh hit an unseen rock. Though he was fine, the sleigh jostled so fiercely that two things happened. First of all, a toy bounced out of his sack. Secondly, some of Santa's magic Santa Dusttm wafted out. The dust missed the toy but instead snowed down on something else entirely.

Now this would be a good time to tell you about toys and Santa's Magic Dust. You see there's a difference between the toys that Santa makes and the ones you buy in the store. Santa sprinkles his magic dust on them so that they come alive when you're not looking. It's the best actual way to explain the events of Toy Story and Jim Henson's The Christmas Toy. And just so you don't think I'm making a plot hole for later, Santa is every bit as magical as his dust so he can see the toys when they're alive t—

Uncle Abed, we get it.

Technically that should be a strike two but you made a fair point so we'll wave that.

At any rate, the dust fell on a long discarded music box, frozen in the snow. When it did, the Ballerina inside it suddenly came to life and popped the lid open so she could see the snowy light for the very first time. The Ballerina was surprised to find herself not alone.

The moment she opened the lid to her box, she found a pair of drumstick nearly poking her in the eyes.

"Hands up!" the voice attached to the drumsticks said. "Don't make any sudden moves!"

"Okay calm down!" the Ballerina said and threw the box all the way open. She blinked into the light and then focused on the person threatening her.

"Who are you?" she said, taking in his uniform and drumset strapped to his torso.

"Hey hey!" he said. "I'll be asking the questions here! I'm Troy Soldier!"

"Oooh!" the Ballerina said. "Are you a real soldier?"

"Look at the uniform! I didn't earn these plastic badges for nothing!" Troy Soldier said.

"Neat!" the Ballerina said. "So what are you doing here at the Menorah Mountain, Troy Soldier?"

"I just fell out of… wait a minute! You're asking me questions after I specifically said I was supposed to do that. You're… you're really smart! Who are you?"

"I'm BallerAnnie," the Ballerina said as she curtsied. "I came from that box."

"Did you fall out of Santa's bag too?" Troy Soldier said.

"Who?" BallerAnnie said. "I'm sorry, I'm pretty sure I'm only about two minutes old. So I might be a bit behind the curve."

"You don't know who Santa is?" Troy Soldier said. "He's the best. He built me, and all the other toys here in the North Pole. Every year he packs us toys into his sleigh and full of us toys and delivers us to like… every kid in the universe!"

"That sounds amazing!" BallerAnnie said, leaping from her music box. "Where is he?"

"I got bumped out of his sleigh… but I think we were headed back to his workshop," Troy Soldier said. "He won't leave until it's Christmas."

"If we hurry maybe we can get into his sleigh and get delivered with the rest of them," BallerAnnie said and started off.

"Um… excuse me," Troy Soldier tapped his feet in the snow until BallerAnnie noticed he wasn't following.

"What?" she said.

"Clearly you're new to this whole… adventurous journey thing," Troy Soldier said. "But you don't even know which way the Santa's workshop is."

"I guess I am new to it," BallerAnnie shrugged. "Have you gone on adventurous journeys before?"

"Um… have you seen me? I have a drum," Troy Soldier puffed his chest out.

"Okay, so…" BallerAnnie said. "Which way do we go?"

"That way!" Troy Soldier said and pointed in the exact same direction BallerAnnie had been heading.

"Uh huh," she raised an eyebrow but then smiled as Troy Soldier joined alongside her. Deep down she had a feeling they would become good friends… like Buzz and Woody type friends!

Together the pair set out, not knowing just how dangerous their little adventure was about to become. For you see, far away, in his ice castle, the evil Christmas Warlock Duncan watched them, aware of their quest to return to Santa. Duncan had left a promising career in psychology to study the Dark Arts as a way of nursing a grudge he had against the Jolly Old Elf for giving him a lump of coal one year instead of his true heart's desire. He had a regular Grinch-complex when it came to Christmas and wanted nothing more than to destroy it by any means.

Conjuring up a violent snow storm, he sent it flying their way until it blasted all around them. Troy Soldier and BallerAnnie soon lost their way in the blizzard. Each step they took seemed a little harder than the last. Each moment they remained in the snow, they had to blink snowflakes from their eyes and try to see just a couple of feet ahead of them.

It was BallerAnnie that spotted shelter first. Grabbing Troy Soldier's arm she started guiding him toward a cave in a nearby hill. He stopped her however, shaking his head at the sight of the dark and gloomy cave.

"We can't go in there!" he said. "It's too dangerous, I heard there's a terrible beast that lives there!"

"We can't stay out here!" BallerAnnie yelled back. "Our joints will freeze!"

Troy Soldier cartoonishly gulped back his fear but followed BallerAnnie into the cave. He didn't want to become a Troy Soldiercicle.

Once inside, the two toys started rubbing their arms and legs, trying to warm up. Sure the cave didn't exactly have central heating or a fireplace, but they were out of the wind. Troy Soldier kept glancing over his shoulder, wary of the horrible beast that might attacking them at any moment.

"It's times like this that I wish I had a gun," he muttered. "Or maybe a trumpet… or a trumpet/gun/coffeemaker."

"So you can offer the beat a cappuccino?" BallerAnnie said.

"I don't know! Anything's better than a drumset! I need to ask Santa for something cooler when we get to his workshop."

At the mention of Santa's workshop there was a tremendous growl off in the depths of the cave. Troy Soldier immediately toppled backwards and held his drumsticks together like a cross.

"Is the beast a vampire?" BallerAnnie said, taking a step back of her own.

"Either that or a Dracula," Troy Soldier said. "Either way I'll be prepared."

The growling grew louder and louder as it drew nearer. BallerAnnie looked above her and saw a big icicle hanging from the ceiling. Using her superior ballerina jumping skills she leaped up and grabbed it, so she could wield it like a club.

Just as she did, a shadow appeared on the cave wall. The beast was nearly to them. They had the storm to their backs and the beast before them, they had no choice but to stand their ground.

Moments before the beast turned a corner to devour them, they heard another sound. A rhythmic squeaking sound… almost as though someone was wearing clownish squeaking shoes. At this Troy Soldier grew even more terrified.

"We have to run!" he said. "It sounds like it's a Clown Dracula!"

But it was too late. Before either of them could run, the beast rounded the corner to reveal… Teddy Pierce. But just because he was ewok size and completely adorable, didn't mean he wasn't incredibly grumpy and crotchety.

"Get out of my cave you kids! Can't you read the sign?" he bellowed.

But this had no effect on BallerAnnie.

"Oh my gosh he's so cute!" she squealed, rushing over to him. "Look at him! Look at his bow!"

"Now wait just a darn minute!" Teddy Pierce adjusted his glasses. "I'm a terrifying bear! You're supposed to be afraid of me."

"I still am…" Troy Soldier muttered.

"How can we be afraid of you?" BallerAnnie knelt in front of Teddy Pierce so they were eye to eye. "You might just be the most adorable thing I've ever seen!"

"To be fair," Troy Soldier said. "She's only seen me and some trees."

"Well…" Teddy Pierce blushed a bit. "My mom did used to say I was the handsomest cub at bear school."

"Ew," Troy Soldier muttered.

BallerAnnie straightened Teddy Pierce's bow and sat back a bit. "We were just on our way to the North Pole, but had to crash in this cave for safety when the storm hit. Do you mind if we stay?"

"You're going to Santa's Workshop?" Teddy Pierce said. "Did you know this cave is a shortcut? At least I think it is."

"Really?" BallerAnnie said. "Do you wanna come with us? We're going to have Santa give us away as presents!"

"I'm gonna get a gun," Troy Soldier said. "Then he's going to give me to some awesome kid and we'll have super dope adventures!"

"Hey yeah, and I could be given to a leggy blonde that needs a boyfriend but only has me," Teddy Pierce said. "Well what are we waiting for then? Let's go! I have a whole list of things I want!"

"Excellent!" BallerAnnie clapped her hands together and the new trio started going through the cave.

Teddy Piece led the way, all the while regaling them with tales of his long years of… bear-er-ing around on Planet Abed. Mostly it was just him telling them about how much his father was mad that he hadn't been a polar bear. Still, BallerAnnie and Troy Soldier remained polite. Troy Soldier even got into a fun conversation that involved debating the merits of the "Batman Smells" variation of "Jingle Bells."

When they finally came out of the cave, BallerAnnie had become very excited. According to Teddy Pierce, they would step right out and there would be Santa's Workshop. However, when they did step into the light, they didn't see Santa's workshop but instead a large building covered in crosses.

"What the heck is this?" Troy Soldier said.

"This isn't Satan's workshop?" Teddy Pierce said.

"Santa's workshop!" BallerAnnie said. "And this wouldn't even be Satan's workshop! Are you sure you knew this was going to take us to Santa's?"

"Or maybe you just forgot," Troy Soldier said.

"Of course I didn't forget!" Teddy Pierce said. "Someone must have come and changed the cave while you were jibber jabbering about Batman!"

BallerAnnie sighed and pressed forward, heading toward the building.

"Where are you going?" Teddy Pierce squeaked behind her.

"I'm gonna ask directions," BallerAnnie shrugged. "Whoever lives there might know the way."

"Makes sense," Troy Soldier said.

"Yeah…" Teddy Peirce followed behind reluctantly. "If you think with your uterus."

"None of us even know what that is!" Troy Soldier said as they neared the building.

Upon entering, they found a children's choir singing Christmas carols, walls covered in tinsel and wreaths, and at the far end, a massive throne flanked by two Christmas trees on either side. Seated on the seat, with a cup of coco in one hand and candy cane scepter was a baby doll.

"Merry CHRISTmas," She said. "I'm Queen Shirley, the queen of Christmas."

"There's a queen of Christmas?" Troy Soldier said. "I spent way too much time in Santa's bag."

"Here in Shirley's Christmas court it's always Christmas, but only the good parts with live mangers, bible studies, and long sermons about the true reason for the season."

"How can you be a queen?" Teddy Pierce said. "You're a baby doll!"

All the Christmas cheer immediately vanished from her face and the children's choir whipped out machine guns and aimed them at Teddy Pierce.

"Wanna rephrase that," Baby Doll Shirley said. "Because no one calls me a baby!"

"Really?" Teddy Pierce said. "But you're wearing a diap-"

"What he means… your majesty," BallerAnnie stepped forward. "Is that we're so happy to be here and we were wondering if you might know the right way to the Santa's Workshop."

"Finally, someone that has a few manners," Baby Doll Shirley said. "And yeah, I suppose I could show you the way to Santa's Workshop, but why would you want to go there? Here we have the only things you could ever want for Christmas."

"But we don't want anything for Christmas," BallerAnnie said. "We just want to get on Santa's sleigh so he can deliver us to little boys and girls as presents."

"Hmmm, I don't know…" Baby Doll Shirley said. "… but I do suppose that it would be the Christian thing to do. But the question I have for you is… why?"

"Why what?" Troy Soldier said.

"Why do you want to be presents? What makes it important? I know what makes the holiday important… but do you? And what does being a gift have anything to do with it?"

"I… I don't know…" BallerAnnie said. "I've only been alive for a little while and Troy Soldier told me about it. But when I think about being in a present and making some little girl happy when she opens up the gift… that just seems really good. Does that make sense?"

"Who do you think you're talking to?" Baby Doll Shirley said. "Of course it makes sense to me! I'm the Queen of Christmas! And I can tell you what gift giving is all about this time of year. It's because of a very special gift named-"

"Duncan the Christmas Warlock!" Troy Soldier blurted out.

"No, it's… wait… the Warlock is here?" Shirley said and the children's choir scattered.

Outside the window, Duncan stood in his full wizard attire. The very snow around him turned black because of how dark and unchristmasy his heart was. Baby Doll Shirley stood from her throne and marched toward the door.

"Oh, I don't need this!" Teddy Pierce said.

"He's probably the one that sent the blizzard," BallerAnnie said. "We have to get out of here!"

"I may have a way but I don't want to use it unless I absolutely have to," Shirley said. "But let's see if we can't reason with him. Maybe even Ebenezer Scrooge his scrawny backside!"

Warily, they ventured out. Duncan remained perfectly still, almost as if the animators were trying to save money and time and realized that they could just make him look intimidating by just standing there and not move.

"What brings you to my door?" Baby Doll Shirley said. "This is a place of peace."

"And it can keep being so," Duncan said. "As soon as the three delinquents you have here agree to come work for me and give up their misguided dream of being someone's Christmas gift. It's sickening."

"What do you have against us being presents?" BallerAnnie said. "What do you have against Christmas?"

"That's covered better in other mediums," Duncan growled. "All that's important for you to know is that I'm here to stop you."

"Oh yeah?" Teddy Pierce said. "You and what army?"

"I don't need an army," Duncan said. "I'm a Christmas Wizard, and I'm going to send you to a horrible place where you'll never be able to get to Santa's workshop."

With that, Duncan pulled out a remote control and his horrifying Christmas Pterodactyl swooped down and scooped them all up! The festive dinosaur flew them high into the air, all the while they kicked and screamed, (Troy Soldier did most of the screaming) until finally it dropped the high from the sky.

Luckily they landed in some very thick snow drifts. But now they were further from their goal than ever. BallerAnnie pulled herself from the snow and looked around. There was water on either side of them and a chill wind came from the waves. It was pretty much about as bleak as you could get on a holiday special.

"Ugh… where are we?" Troy Soldier muttered as he got up, his eyes still spinning.

"What a dump," Pierce said, noticing some piles of toys lying around. "Did he send us to Detroit?"

"Uh-huh," a sarcastic voice came and they all turned to see a newcomer watching them.

"It's a Jack-in-the-box!" BallerAnnie said.

"No, I'm a Jeff-in –the-Box," he said, folding his arms and bouncing a little on his spring. "You think a Jack-in-the-Box would be caught dead in a place like this?"

"Wait a minute…" BallerAnnie looked around. "Water on all sides… a Jeff-In-the-Box… are we on the Island of Misfit toys?"

"Might want to check right behind you, there's land," another voice came and a robot appeared. "You think any of us would be lucky enough to go to the Island of Misfit Toys?"

"Who are you?" Troy Soldier said to the blonde robot.

"That's Brittabot," Jeff-in-the-Box said. "And you're on the Peninsula of Douchebag Toys."

Baby Doll Shirley raised a brow. "So… you're like the Island of Misfit Toys but…"

"But while kids will play with a Charlie-in-the-Box even though he has the wrong name," Jeff-in-the-Box said. "They won't play with me just cause I'm willing to let them know that even if their lives suck now, they can always suck more."

"Especially if you live in New York," Brittabot said.

"Where?" Troy Soldier asked.

"Please don't encourage her," Jeff-in-the-Box said but to no avail, within seconds the small group erupted into arguing and backbiting.

"You're just jealous because you haven't been anywhere ever,"

"Maybe, but if I did go somewhere I wouldn't name drop it in every conversation just to brag about having been there,"

"I once ate a bearclaw that came from Chicago… I wasn't nearly as conflicted about it as I thought I would be."

"Will you all stop arguing! It's Christmas and you'll give Baby Jesus a headache!"

"I don't even know you guys and your fighting is making me cry! I'm a soldier!"

"You guys!" BallerAnnie finally shouted over the din. The other toys sentences petered out as she'd managed to get their attention.

"Look, I know that this isn't a place any of us want to be, but standing around and arguing about it with complete strangers isn't going to help," She said.

"Have you looked at this place?" Jeff-in-the-Box said, gesturing to their surroundings. "It's a peninsula filled with junk that nobody in their right mind would want. What else are we supposed to do? I'm sick of arguing with just her and SnowChang."

"Who?" Teddy Pierce said.

"Nevermind," Jeff-in-the-Box said. "The point is… we might as well argue because no one else wants us. And why would they? A baby doll with obvious rage issues, a toy soldier with a drum instead of a gun, a teddy bear with a perverted old man's head, and a ballerina without a music box. I don't know about you but that doesn't exactly say Hallmark Christmas to me… that doesn't even say Lifetime Channel Christmas!"

"I don't know," Brittabot muttered. "You are kind of a pig."

"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the robot that won't shut the heck up," Jeff-in-the-Box said then turned back to BallerAnnie. "Look, I don't know how you got here, but even if you leave, it's not like you'll be on the short list of presents Santa's giving away."

BallerAnnie met Jeff-in-the-Box's stare and then blinked and cast her eyes at her companions. Clearly his words had affected them as they all seemed downtrodden and discouraged. She had to admit that even she thought that Jeff-in-the-Box's speech made sense. What child would want her without her music box?

But as her eyes roamed about peninsula, lingering on the scrap heaps, she found her resolve strengthening. There was a way forward… she knew it.

"Maybe Jeff-in-the-Box is right," she said. "But you know what? I was brought to life by Santa's magic and I can't believe that was an accident. Our entire plan was to get to Santa's workshop. You know why? Because if anyone in the whole world would be able to find a place for toys like us… it's Santa! And we can get to him faster than ever."

"How?" Brittabot said.

"Look around you!" BallerAnnie said. "Look at all this stuff! We can build a boat! With it we can sail up the Tinsel Sea, go through the Hot Chocolate strait and land…"

"… In Jehovah's Witness Bay!" Troy Soldier said.

"From there, we can hitch a ride onto the Candy Express and ride it all the way to Santa's workshop!" BallerAnnie said.

"Holy Chestnuts with cranberry sauce!" Baby Doll Shirley cried out. "That little Ballerina might be on to something!"

"Well what are you all standing around for?" Brittabot said. "Let's get to work!"

"Hey wait!" Jeff-in-the-Box bounced after them. "You guys are being ridiculous! It will never work!"