Disclaimer: I do not own anything but Fixit. Sadly.
Mastermind's Farewell- Part One
For the purposes of this fic:
Solar Cycle (Cycle): one day
Stellar Cycle: one year
"No, you moronic Roombas! Don't do that, you'll blow everything up!"
Knock Out shook his helm in fond amusement as the Eradicon went off on the building team. Fixit had agreed to help out Bulkhead and the other construction mechs for the time being, seeing as she had so much experience dealing with the 'idiotic slaggin' Roombas.' Bulkhead and the others were just thankful to have someone so organized and efficient on the team.
Even if that meant they had to suffer the occasional humiliating prank.
Jazz laughed and laughed as Bluestreak, Moonracer, and Bumblebee all ambushed Fixit, chattering on and on and dragging her off with them before she realized what was going on.
Prowl and Ultra Magnus weren't much better off than the saboteur- they'd never seen anyone blindside Fixit like that before!
"Ryan, save me!"
Optimus blinked as his spark-sibling dove behind him, using him as a living shield. And then he saw a pink Sunstreaker and a purple Sideswipe run past his office door.
Ah.
So that was why she was hiding…
"But…why wouldn't that…" Fixit trailed off in confused frustration. All those years spent getting used to a different cybertronian anatomy meant finishing up her medical training back here was a lot harder than it was before.
Ratchet vented irritably, rubbing his helm. "…alright, let's go over this again…"
"…I wanna squish it."
"No, Fixit," Knock Out and Steve said in unison, rolling their optics.
Lazerbeak and Fixit cackled happily as they sat on the floor of Soundwave's office, plotting world domination- I mean, pranks! Yeah, totally…
The host mecha just shook his helm in fond amusement, brushing a servo over his Eradicon's helm. She grinned happily up at her sparkmate, nuzzling her faceplates into his servo softly before getting back to plotting.
Ravage just curled up on the opposite side of his host's desk, doing a very good job of pretending he didn't know them at all.
"…Fixit?"
"Yeah, Ryan?"
He fidgeted slightly, visibly nervous for some reason. "…um, Elita and I have something we want to ask you…"
The Eradicon squealed happily, glomping both Elita and Optimus at the same time. Somehow.
"OhsweetPrimusI'msohappyforyouthisissototallyawesome!"
The two laughed.
"I'll take that as a yes, then?" Elita teased his ecstatic adopted sibling.
"OF COURSE! THIS IS SO AWESOME!"
Jazz, Prowl, Ultra Magnus, Ironhide, and Chromia eyed the practically vibrating-with-glee Eradicon warily. Only Soundwave's arms around her waist kept her on his lap, and not dancing around the room in sheer joy.
Ratchet was grinning in his seat as well, looking just as happy as Fixit. Naturally, this was scaring the frag out of everyone who didn't know what was going on.
"Sooo…wha's this abou', OP?" Jazz asked carefully, turning most of his attention to his Prime and Elita-1.
The two bondmates shared a quiet, happy look before they turned back to their closest friends. Well, the ones who could make it today, at least.
"I'm carrying," Elita announced, leaning back into his bonded's arms.
Silence.
And then Chromia, Ironhide, and Jazz all whooped in unison, leaping out of their seats to run over and congratulate the expecting couple. Prowl and Ultra Magnus followed, slower and supposedly more dignified, but just as happy as the others.
Soundwave- who had found out at the same time as Fixit- just released his Eradicon with a quiet chuckle so she could bound around the room in glee.
Everyone laughed when she and Jazz grabbed Elita-1 and Optimus, dancing them around the room joyfully and switching partners at random.
Lazerbeak was cuddled up to the Eradicon as they began planning exactly how to best spoil their new nephew.
"…you do remember he's not due for another two decaorns, right?" Soundwave asked in amusement, resting his chin on his Eradicon's shoulder as they sat together on their berth. Ravage had just given up on the two femmes calming down anytime soon, choosing instead to shut off his audios and recharge on the end of the berth.
"Yeah, we know. We're still gonna spoil him rotten. That's my job as his official Auntie!" Fixit beamed. Both Optimus and Elita had wanted her as one of their sparkling's official alternative guardians. Ironhide (and consequentially, Chromia) were the other guardians.
The host mecha just chuckled softly, tightening his arms around her slightly as he stroked her hip with his thumb.
:This is going to be so cool!: Lazerbeak trilled happily, causing his brother to grumble slightly in his recharge at the sheer happiness flooding their bond. :I've never been an auntie before, this is going to rule!:
"Oh, being an Auntie is one of the best things in the world. The only thing better is being a mom…" Fixit trailed off, wings drooping slightly as she got lost in her memories.
Soundwave vented softly, turning her sideways in his lap so she could bury her helm in his chest.
"…I miss them, Wave. I mean, I'm not going to leave. I'm needed here, and they'll be fine without me, but…"
"They're family, Fixit. You lived with them for nineteen years. Of course you're going to miss them," he said gently, stroking her back reassuringly. "It's alright."
She hummed quietly, curling into him further. She was glad to be home, but…she missed the rest of her family too.
"Hello, youngling-"
"Oh slag no! I'm not doing anything for you again!"
"Wha- youngling, just hear me out-"
"Nope! Lalalala, I'm not liiiiiiiistennnnnning…"
"Fixit-!"
"Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala-"
"…well, I guess you're not interested in seeing your son again…"
"Lalalalalal- wait, what!? Get back here!"
"But you're so clearly not interested…"
"PRIMUS! GET BACK HERE NOW!"
"…and after the six weeks were up, Primus would bring me back. He said it would only be, like, the equivalent of two or three cycles here, which I don't understand. The conversion rate between the two universes makes no sense in that case…I mean, nineteen to three years, and then six weeks to three cycles? But, anyways, yeah."
Soundwave frowned, obviously contemplating the information his Eradicon had just told him. She shifted anxiously against him, helm raising to catch a glimpse of his face.
"…and you want to go," he said slowly, looking at the wall but not really seeing it.
She fidgeted, causing him to tighten his grip on her. "Well…kind of, but…"
"…but?" he asked curiously, glancing down at her. He knew she missed the other half of her family, so why wouldn't she want to go?
"…but…I just got you back a stellar cycle ago, I don't want to be without you again so soon!" Fixit burrowed her helm into his shoulder in distress. He hummed softly, stroking her back reassuringly as Lazerbeak glomped the side of the Eradicon's helm and Ravage started purring gently on her lap. Slowly, they calmed her back down.
"…is it possible for us to come with you?" the host mecha asked carefully.
Fixit paused. "…I don't…actually know…right. I'll ask Primus tonight, then…"
:Why not now?: Lazerbeak asked curiously.
"'Cause he said he'd check in with me tonight. Also, you seriously think I can contact him at will? Sure, I've talked to him more than the average cybertronian, but I don't talk to him that often. I've only talked to him just now; when he got me out of Bay-verse; once when Sammy and My-My were eight; and once when I died, although, admittedly, I spent a long time with him th-"
:DIED!?: Lazerbeak and Ravage cried in unison, helms snapping up to stare at the Eradicon.
"…oh. You never…told them?" Fixit said slowly, looking at her bondmate in confusion.
Soundwave winced internally as his symbionts' incredulous and vaguely accusing gazes swung to him, but nodded. "…it…wasn't exactly something you were comfortable with…back then, at least."
"Quite possibly one of the few good things to come from my trip. But, um, yeah, so…right, my death…" Fixit vented heavily, snuggling further into the host mecha as she reluctantly explained just how and why she had died to the gaping symbionts.
"So, youngling-"
"Primus, can I bring them with me?"
"Them-? Oh, your bonded and his symbionts?"
"Please? I want to see my son and the others again, I want to say goodbye properly, but I just got them back and I don't want to be alone again so soon-"
"Youngling! Calm down!"
"…please…"
"…Fixit, bringing others with you would be very dangerous-"
"Please, Primus!"
"…"
"…"
"I…suppose I do owe you…very well-"
"Thank you! Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou-"
"Ack! Youngling, get off!"
"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou-"
"…yes, yes. You're welcome. Now can you get off, please?"
"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou-"
"…I'll take that as a no, then…
"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou-"
"…ah well. At least this'll be entertaining…"
"And so, after the use of emotional blackmail, Primus finally agreed that I can bring five others with me. You, Laze, and the toaster-"
Fixit ignored Ravage's growl. Insulting/messing with each other was pretty much automatic for them by now. They didn't always mean the nastiness, nowadays.
"-are obviously coming with me, which leaves us with two open spots. Which we can always leave open. That is an option."
Soundwave gave her a mildly amused look.
Fixit deflated, grumbling irritably. So much for not bringing anyone else along…
Optimus just…stared.
Fixit scowled, crossing her arms and sulking. She didn't see why Wave had insisted on her telling him. There was no way Ryan could go, Elita and the unborn newspark needed him. Oh, and the rest of Cybertron too, but she didn't really care about them.
The Prime rubbed his helm with his servo. "…so while your frame here was in stasis-lock for three stellar cycles, your spark was off in an alternate universe, unwillingly, for nineteen stellar cycles. After being kidnapped by the Ancient Primes. And then, after fraggin' offlining in said alternate universe, Primus finally returned you to us…and now he's offering you a way back."
"…pretty much, yeah."
"…Fixit?"
"…yes?"
"WHY THE FRAG WOULD YOU GO BACK AFTER TRYING SO HARD TO ESCAPE THE SLAGGIN' PLACE!?"
The Eradicon yelped, taken aback by his sudden shouting. "What the frag, Ryan!? I just want to say goodbye! I'll be there for six weeks, but according to Primus, it'll only be the equivalent of three cycles here!"
Optimus paused, looming over the startled femme. "…you're…coming back?"
"…"
"…"
"…oh, Ryan," Fixit shook her helm in exasperation. "I just told you I fought for nineteen years in order to have a chance to come back home. If the visit Primus was offering was only a one-way trip, I wouldn't even have considered accepting it. Honestly, mech…"
He flushed in embarrassment. "Well, that's- it's just- shut up, Fixit."
"…"
"…"
"…okay, I'll go shout it from the rooftops!"
"Fixit!"
She cackled madly as the Prime chased her out of the office.
"Ah'm goin'," Jazz stated, crossing his arms as he leaned back in his chair.
"What!? No!" Fixit protested, wings flicking in agitation.
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
Knock Out, Prowl, and Steve traded long-suffering looks.
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Enough! Fixit, why are you against Jazz coming with you?" Optimus asked, frowning at his spark-sibling.
"'Cause Prowl can't come, he's needed here, and I'm not taking Jazz away from him!"
Everyone looked rather taken aback at how upset Fixit was, Prowl and Jazz especially so. Soundwave vented softly, reaching out to pull his Eradicon onto his lap. She curled back into him, grabbing his arms and wrapping them tighter around her as she scowled unhappily at the ground.
"Fixit…" Jazz started slowly, frowning at her.
"No," she muttered softly. "I refuse to separate you and Prowl."
"…it is alright, Fixit," Prowl vented gently. "It will only be three cycles for me, and a little over a month for Jazz. We've been apart for longer, it will not harm either of us-"
"I won't separate you!"
Soundwave forcibly turned her, pulling her helm to rest against his neck as he started humming quietly. Fixit whimpered softly, wings flat against her back as she curled tightly up against his chest.
:Don't,: Lazerbeak warned, glaring at the concerned bots who had stood up at the Eradicon's outburst. :Stay back and let Boss calm her down.:
"What's wrong with him!?" Knock Out asked worriedly, glancing anxiously at his Apprentice.
:Fixit…didn't deal well with being trapped alone for so long in the other universe.: Laze said reluctantly. :And because it affected her so badly, she doesn't want to force that on anyone else.:
This only served to worry the other five bots more.
"…righ', Ah'm definitely goin' now," Jazz declared.
Knock Out cursed his job. As one of the few qualified medics left on Cybertron- especially since he was pretty much the only one who had ever taught before- he couldn't afford to leave for three cycles. Two, he could probably do, but three?
"Steve-" the red doctor started.
"Yes, I'll tag along and keep an optic on Fixit for you," the modified Vehicon vented heavily. "Whoo. You do realize he's going to blackmail me mercilessly, right?"
"Even if he blackmails you into helping with whatever stupid scheme he comes up with next, at least someone with common sense will be right there with him, watching his back."
"Oi!" Jazz protested. "Wha' abou' me!?"
Steve, Knock Out, and Prowl stared at him wordlessly for a moment. Then the Praxian turned to the modified Vehicon.
"On second thought, keep an optic on both of them, will you?" Prowl requested.
"OI!"
"So…we jus', wha', drop inta recharge an'…"
"…wake up there. These frames will stay here, and we'll gain temporary ones, identical to these frames, to house our sparks in that universe," Fixit confirmed, swinging her pedes idly as she perched on the berth. At Knock Out's insistence, Soundwave, Lazerbeak, Ravage, Jazz, Steve, and hers frames were going to stay in this room for the three cycles they were off in the Bay-verse. KO (and Optimus and Ratchet and Prowl and…well, everyone) were being paranoid, according to the Eradicon, but everyone else was rather relieved to be monitored.
"I'm already regretting this," Steve deadpanned, looking at all the monitoring equipment Knock Out had set up.
"Suck it up, Jedi," the red doctor clapped the Vehicon on the shoulder.
Fixit burst out laughing at Steve's disgruntled scowl. Soundwave shook his helm slightly in amusement as his symbionts snickered.
"Never should've agreed to that stupid skit…" the mech muttered.
Jazz shared a look with Optimus and Prowl. "Ah get t' feelin' Ah'm missin' somethin'…"
Knock Out chuckled, gesturing to the still laughing Eradicon. "You want details, ask the Sith over there. She is the mastermind, after all."
Fixit promptly started rolling on the berth in hysterics.
"…and what evil mastermind isn't more-than-slightly deranged?" Steve asked wryly.
Knock Out twitched as all their sparks went into stasis-lock simultaneously. It was…very hard not rushing in there to try and bring them back, but Fixit had warned him this would happen.
"…and now, we wait," Optimus said solemnly, watching the motionless figures worriedly.
"Ready for this, youngling?"
"More than."
"Very well. Good lu-"
"Wait, why am I the only one here-!?"
"Because you are the only one I'm talking to? Your companions are fine, youngling, they are just currently in limbo."
"Oh. Okay."
"…"
"…"
"…may I proceed now?"
"But of course, my good sir."
"Why thank you, madam. Good luck, Fixit."
"Thanks, Primus. Final prank on the Bayverse, here I come!"
"Why is it snowing," Steve asked flatly, glaring up at the sky.
Fixit just laughed happily, twirling gleefully amidst the falling flakes.
"Three months after Chicago, huh? That means…"
A massive evil grin spread over the Eradicon's face. Steve promptly hid behind Jazz.
"It's almost October!"
Judy poked at her sandwich listlessly. Ever since Fixit had died, the Witwicky matriarch had done little but mope around the house.
Even though the albino hadn't always been around that often, she still made the time to call every day. Judy just…hadn't realized how much joy and laughter her best friend had brought to her life till she was gone. Had brought to everyone's lives.
Most of the Autobots and NEST had been fond of the Eradicon- or at least the amusement they gained through her pranks- and distantly regretted her absence, but didn't know her well enough to really mourn her.
Ratchet and Ironhide regretted her passing, especially since she had helped them so much. Frag, she had saved Ironhide's life at the cost of her own! The black mech felt rather guilty about how suspicious he was of her beforehand, now…
Lennox and Epps, along with Sarah and Annabelle, were very sad at her passing. The albino had always been able to cheer everyone up just by existing. (She was also a brilliant and cheap babysitter for Belle.)
Prowl…regretted her death partially because he had genuinely liked her, and partially because of its impact on Jazz. Mostly, however, he was just relieved. It had never been clear to him if Fixit was an ally or an enemy of the Autobots.
Optimus clearly mourned her passing, especially since he had watched her die, but was not close enough to the albino to deeply mourn her.
Fixit's family were the ones most affected by her passing, though.
Ron was at a neighborhood watch meeting, otherwise he would be here moping with Judy.
She hadn't seen Sam since the news that Fixit was dead had come in. He had thrown himself into his work, helping sort out the aftermath of the Battle of Chicago. Frag, even Bumblebee and Mikaela rarely saw him, and they lived with the young man!
Miles had done the exact same thing as his godbrother, burying himself in his work. GreenTech was flourishing as a result. Fritz would either help him, or simply shut down, curling up in a little depressed ball in the corner of a random, out-of-the-way room. Barricade seemed to have become an actual robot, instead of a living being, and only replied when spoken to. All he appeared to care about at this point was his charge and partner's protection.
And Jazz…Jazz locked himself in his room for a week after Fixit's death. Just before Prowl and Ratchet were about to break down the door, the saboteur had opened it and greeted them faux cheerfully. He was so clearly grieving her loss, the fact that he wasn't able to protect his charge…the fact that she hadn't let him protect her…but he just covered it up with his fake smiles, going around and pretending that he was fine. Everyone was worried about him, but considering he wouldn't let any of them in, there wasn't a whole lot they could do for him right now.
The sounds of a transformation drifted in from the yard outside, but the brunette ignored it in favor of continuing to brood, far too used to the Autobots (plus Cade and Fritz) coming and going as they pleased.
What she couldn't ignore was the familiar deep voice whispering at her.
"Hey, Judy! Get your mopey aft out here!"
Slowly, the woman looked up…and met the concerned scarlet optics peeking in through the kitchen window at her.
"…'sup?" Fixit offered her a weak grin.
Stare.
"…you're in shock, aren't you?"
Stare.
"…right then. Um…I came to say some proper goodbyes?"
Stare.
"…and this isn't a hallucination?"
"…w-wire incident," the brunette said shakily, slowly raising from her chair.
"Vulture's fault," Fixit said promptly.
Judy lunged through the window, glomping the Eradicon's face. Said Eradicon shifted so she was sitting down, bringing up her servos to gently cradle the human woman against her face.
"…y-you're r-r-really-y…?"
"…it's really me, Judy. Primus managed to save my spark just in time, and transported me back to my home universe. My babysitters and I are just here so I can say some proper farewells."
"…i-introd-duce m-me l-later-r…hug-g n-now…"
"…ma'am yes ma'am."
"So you're the Jazz from Fixit's universe, huh?"
"Yup. Nice t' meetcha, Mrs. Witwicky!" Jazz replied jovially, nodding to the woman perched on the Eradicon's shoulder. Once she had calmed down and released Fixit from her hug of doom, she had…well, gone for her baseball bat to punish the winged medic for scaring her. But once they had managed to get her to stop trying to hit the Eradicon, Judy had refused to leave her side.
(Ron had clung to her for as long as he was able to too, but eventually had to go back to work. Still, he was happy to see that Fixit was alive and well.)
"Nice to meet you too. And please, call me Judy."
"Sure thin'!"
"And you are…?"
"Yo. I'm Steve, Fixit's previous subordinate and Knock Out-appointed babysitter for these two." Steve offered the woman a casual two-fingered salute from where he was leaning against the wall.
"What do you mean, 'previous?'" Fixit asked. The two ignored her.
"Not the skinny faceless one or the shorties?"
The modified Vehicon snorted. "Soundwave doesn't need a babysitter. Nor do Ravage and Lazerbeak. Well, unless Lazerbeak gets sucked into plotting with Fixit again…"
"Oi!" Fixit protested, straightening from where she was slouched against the host mecha.
"…Soundwave, huh? So, Soundwave, care to tell me exactly why your arm is around my best friend's waist? And why she's not protesting the close contact?" Judy eyeballed the dark, slender mech, scowling protectively.
Fixit flushed as she shuffled her pedes. "Um, we're…actuallykindofbonded?" the femme spat out quickly, fiddling with the fingers of the arm wrapped around her waist.
"...what."
The Eradicon offered her best friend a sheepish grin. "Surprise?"
Judy hung back, giving Soundwave a meaningful look. Reluctantly, he stopped and let his Eradicon show his symbionts, Steve, and Jazz around the massive labyrinth of tunnels she had made into her home during the nineteen years she was trapped in this universe.
Once their voices faded, he turned to face the glaring human female.
"Why did you bond to Fixit?" she asked in a vaguely accusatory tone.
He scowled behind his screen, but…this woman was the only reason his bonded hadn't gone insane and killed herself during her time trapped here. He owed her Fixit's life, and the Eradicon considered her family. For his bonded's sake, he would respect and try to get along with the human.
"…I bonded to Fixit because I love her, and I refuse to lose her again," he said finally, glowering darkly at the woman.
Judy looked at him appraisingly. "…you don't like humans, do you?"
He shook his helm. Definitely not. Oh, there were a couple he could tolerate, but…he didn't even like most cybertronians. Why should he care about a different, inferior species?
"…then why are you bothering to answer my questions?"
"…because Fixit loves you. You are her family, and…I will try to learn to like you. For her sake."
She stared at him in surprise as he turned and stalked after his bondmate, ending the conversation.
Unwillingly, a small smile crept onto her face. "…guess I really can't argue about her choice of mate, can I? Slag. And here I was hoping I could get justification to prank her creeper mercilessly…"
"What do you mean they haven't been home since I died!?"
"…Fritz said that it was just too painful…too empty…too quiet."
"…why didn't they just put on the sound system-?"
"Fixit, it wasn't their home because you weren't here!"
"…what?"
"…you…none of us dealt well with your passing, Fixit. Especially since it's only been three months for us, rather than the year you've had."
"That time conversion still makes no sense…"
"Dammit, Fixit, listen! When you died, it was like all the light in our worlds disappeared!"
"…oh. Wait, no, don't cry-! Um….!"
"Y-you i-idiot-t! D-don't-t ev-ver d-do t-that-t ag-gain, y-you hear-r m-me!? E-ever!"
"…sorry…"
"…"
"…please stop crying?"
"I-idiot-t-t…"
"Right, so, I'm gonna go get the Terrible Trio and let them and Sammy know I'm okay. Steve, Jazz, Laze, Toaster-"
Ravage growled automatically.
"-can you get started on the tasks I gave you?"
"…sure thin', Fixit. Bu'…wha' exactly are yah gonna do wi' all this? Prank t' world o' somethin'?" Jazz asked quizzically.
"Exactly," the Eradicon proclaimed smugly. Then she went on, not giving the saboteur any time to reply. "Hey, Judy? Do you think it'd be okay if we didn't let the Autobots know I'm back? Just surprise them with my last prank?
"…most of them, yes. But you have to tell Jazz, at least, that you're back."
"Do I haaaave to? He'll just smother me-"
"…Prowl is worried that Jazz will try to offline himself."
Fixit froze, staring at the pained-looking human. "…what?"
Primeverse Jazz echoed her. "What?"
Judy sighed wearily. "Fixit, his guardian protocols latched onto you- you, who was obviously suicidal and wasting away even before you sacrificed yourself to save him and his comrades. He's your guardian, yet he's never been able to protect you, despite all of his best efforts. The rest of us at least had years to prepare ourselves for your death- we were the ones helping you deal with some of the deterioration. Jazz…didn't have that."
PV Jazz, Steve, and Lazerbeak all just gaped. Soundwave and Ravage were also taken aback, but hid it better. And Fixit…
…Fixit was just staring in horrified shock.
"You need to tell him you're okay, Fixit," Judy insisted.
"…right. Yeah. Okay, change of plans: Steve, you and Laze go inform the Terrible Trio and Sammy and bring them back here. Jazz, Toaster, you continue with the prank set-up. Soundwave-"
The host mecha gave her a Look.
"-apparently you're coming with me and Judy. BB, I'll need your help getting Jazz away from the other Autobots. I'm…fine with letting him know, now, but I still want to surprise the rest of the Bots."
"You got it, MM," Judy saluted her casually.
"Right then…off we go…"
"Hey Jazz," Judy said as she walked over to the table the saboteur was sitting at. Skyfire and Prowl, who had been talking with the silver mech, looked down at her as well. "Prowl, Skyfire."
Jazz offered her an obviously fake grin. "Hey Judy, wha's up?"
"I need your help with something. Only you. Now hurry up, time's a wastin'…"
"…um, why meh? Prowler'd probably be able t' help yah more tha' meh-"
"I don't care how bad you feel, you are coming with me right now mister!"
Jazz reset his visor, staring slightly warily down at the female. "…ooookay…"
Prowl moved to follow, but was quickly scolded by the Witwicky matriarch. Sharing a baffled glance with Skyfire, the tactician sank back onto his seat as the depressed (and confused) saboteur followed the human woman out of the rec. room.
"Oh, Jazz?"
"…yeah?"
"I don't actually need your help with something, but a friend of mine does. Feel free to punch her when you see her, 'kay?"
"…why would Ah be punchin'-"
"Because she's a stupid bitch who is far too good at giving people heart attacks. Trust me, once you see her again, you'll understand. Now hurry up and drive."
"Agai'-?"
"Jazz! Drive!"
"Alrigh', alrigh'…"
Jazz froze at the entrance to Fixit's home, memories of the Eradicon triggered by the familiar sight. Judy paused just inside the door, turning to look back at the silver saboteur.
"Jazz? What's wrong?" she asked worriedly.
He tried to smile, but it ended up as more of a grimace. "Ah…forgo' t' tell Prowler somethin' afore Ah lef'…Ah'll just comm 'im now, yeah? Yah go on ahead-"
"Ah look weird," a voice- that sounded just like him?!- said from inside. The silver mech found himself gaping as a black helm with a strangely familiar blue visor popped around the corner.
"Yes. Yes you do."
"Oi!"
Jazz, who had immediately shifted into a defensive stance when the weird bot that looked similar to him showed up, stiffened in shock. That was…it couldn't be…!
Fixit hesitantly stepped around the corner and his sulking look-alike, a sheepish grin tugging at the corners of her mouth. "…hi?"
Jazz gaped, staring at the Eradicon wordlessly. She fidgeted uncomfortably as the silence went on…
And on…
And on…
"…I can prove I'm not a hallucination?"
He continued to stare. Faintly, in the back of his mind, he noted he was starting to shake, but was too focused on the bot in front of him to really care.
"…um, we got overenergized together in celebration of Sammy finally getting assigned to work with the diplomats assigned to NEST- even if it was just as an intern- and then decided to share the joy in the form of pranks. And framed the Twins so we wouldn't get caught, obviously. We booby-trapped a bunch of Wheeljack's stuff with the crap-tastic nacho cheese, bubble-wrapped Ratchet's medbay and spray-painted it sparkly pink, and then got out the squirrels and proceeded to-"
Fixit yelped, cut-off mid-sentence by Jazz bodily tackling her in a hug, sending them both to the ground.
"Yer alive, yer okay, yer alive, yer okay-" he chanted shakily through his sobs, burying his helm into her shoulder and holding on tightly, like he was afraid she would disappear if he let go.
The Eradicon winced, biting her lip guiltily even as she returned his embrace. Judy had told her how badly her death affected him, but…she hadn't really believed it until now.
"…yah weren' kiddin' when ya said mah counterpar' wasn' dealin' well," PV Jazz said slowly as he stared down at the shaking silver form clinging to the Eradicon.
Judy grimaced. "…nor was I kidding when I said Prowl was worried he'd offline himself. That worry has been decreasing as time goes on, but it is still a legitimate concern."
Soundwave just glowered behind his screen, crossing his arms grumpily. He understood Bayverse Jazz's relief, and his need to reassure himself that Fixit was alright…but that didn't mean he was happy about seeing another mech manhandle his Eradicon. Only the waves of love, reassurance, and worry flooding over the bond kept him from stalking forwards and ripping the other mech off his bonded.
"I surrender, don't kill me!"
"Barricade, wait! Who are you, and what do you want?"
"My designation's Steve, and I work for Fixit."
"You work for-?"
"M-mean w-work-ked f-for, i-idiot-t."
"…um, no, I work for him. Albeit under protest, since he usually blackmails me into it, although not this time because Knock Out appointed me their unofficial babysitter-"
"…Mom's…alive?"
"…yes."
"Then why the frag didn't she contact us!?"
"Cade, stop! He can't answer if you offline him!"
"B-bast-tard d-deserves it-t-!"
:We have proof she's alive. Now stop strangling Steve, Fixit would be upset if her lackey got offlined.:
"…that would be *cough* the only reason you intervene…"
"W-who y-you!?"
:I'm the Lazerbeak from Fixit's home universe. She ended up back there after offlining here. Then Primus gave her a chance to come back and properly say goodbye.:
"…"
"…"
"…Mom's…she's really…"
"…yeah, youngling. He's alive. And happily blackmailing everyone…"
:No, it's just you she blackmails.:
"Shut up."
"…you said you had proof. So prove it."
:Call her.:
"T-that w-won't-t-"
:Call her.:
"Indigo Montoya speaking, you killed my father, how may I kill you?"
"…"
"…hellooooooo?"
"…"
"…is this the six-fingered man? Or is my caller id glitchin' out again?"
"…Mom?"
"…Miles," Fixit whispered in realization, stiffening on the couch where she was sandwiched between BV Jazz and Soundwave. BV Jazz hadn't let her go since tackling her, and her bonded was getting more than a little jealous.
"…is that…is that really…?"
"…yeah, My-My. It's really me."
"Prove it," a new voice snarled furiously over the line.
"CadeCade! Hey, how ya been-?"
"I don't care who you are, I will hunt you down and rip you apart, dunk your still-functioning innards in a vat of acid-"
"You think I'm an imposter. That's adorable."
The resulting litany of curses made both Jazzes let out an impressed whistle. Judy just shook her head in exasperated amusement.
"And that is why I chose you to be my son's guardian," Fixit announced proudly, beaming at the far wall as she interlaced her servo with her bonded's. "You're a ruthless bastard who won't hesitate to be a vicious beast and tear apart any who threaten your family."
Silence.
The Eradicon smirked. "Although admittedly, your bird-of-prey impression down under was anything but badaft…"
"F-FIXY! FIXY AL-LIVE!" Fritz cried ecstatically in the background.
"MOM!" Miles started sobbing in relief and joy.
"…s-shut up, Fixit," Barricade said shakily, sounding like he was trying very hard not to copy his charge.
"So, are you going to be good boys and come home? Cause I need your help with one last prank…"
Barricade screeched into the room, transformed on the fly, and, with his charge and partner on his shoulders, tackled Fixit in a hug in an impressive flying leap. BV Jazz still refused to let go, which meant Fixit ended up sandwiched in the middle of the dog pile, even as the spazzes glomped her face.
PV Jazz, Judy, and Ravage all laughed their afts off at the squished medic's predicament.
(After a minute or so of hugging, Soundwave finally snapped and ripped the two large mechs off his Eradicon. He let Fritz and Miles stay, though- he wasn't stupid enough to separate Fixit from younglings that needed her.)
Steve walked in just as Fixit finally pried the spazzes off her face…
…and then everyone was deafened by a blaring alarm.
It whooped at max volume for fifteen seconds before Barricade stomped over to the console and shut it off.
Silence rang throughout the room…
…and then Fixit burst out laughing.
"What the frag, Fixit!?" practically everyone yelled at the Eradicon rolling on the floor in hysterics.
"It…works!" she gasped out, vocalizer starting to seize up from laughing so hard.
"What works!?" Judy demanded irritably, voicing everyone's thoughts.
"The…Roomba alarm!"
Pause.
Ravage and Lazerbeak promptly keeled over from laughter as Soundwave snorted audibly, his shoulders beginning to shake.
Steve ever-so-calmly turned and began banging his helm against the wall.
"…I don't even want to know," Barricade groaned, covering his faceplates with his servo.
"Agreed," all the Bayverse inhabitants concurred immediately. With Fixit, it was almost always better not to know. Plausible deniability, and all that.
(Plus, it was just better for your overall mental health.)
"I'll get started on my part of the set-up, and I'll stop by Sammy's place to let him know you're okay," Judy told Fixit as the Eradicon shoved a datapad with PV Ratchet's report on her health in BV Jazz's faceplates.
"Okay, see you later. Fraggit Jazz, I saw a medic, the Ratchet back home tended to me, I'm fine! See!? Drop it, already!"
PV Jazz and BV Jazz stared at each other. The latter had finally been pried off of the Eradicon's arm, thanks to Judy and Fixit's combined efforts. And Soundwave's possessive looming.
(Steve, Barricade, and PV Jazz were absolutely no help in prying the silver saboteur off. They just snickered the entire time. Fixit had plans for them…)
"So…yah're mah counterpar', huh?" BV Jazz said slowly.
"…yup."
Stare.
"…Fixit like t' mess wi' yah too?"
"Oh frag yah."
The Eradicon facepalmed in the corner as the Jazzes- Jazzi?- proceeded to bond over stories of her antics. Well, that was one way to break the ice…
Barricade glanced over at Steve.
"What?" the Vehicon asked.
"…she blackmails you too, huh?"
Fixit scowled as Barricade and Steve also proceeded to bond over shared stories of her. Hey now…she didn't like where this was going…
Lazerbeak and Ravage watched the spazzes. Miles and Fritz watched them back.
:…Fixit adopted you, huh?:
"…yep."
:Guess that makes you our nephew…:
"W-why m-make nep-phew?" Fritz asked curiously, tilting his helm to the side. Miles just leaned on his best friend, frowning as he listened via the modified Bluetooth in his ear.
:Cause Fixit is bonded to Boss.:
"…Mom bonded to that guy," Miles said flatly, pointing at the host mecha who was standing behind a scowling Fixit, arms possessively wrapped around her waist.
:…yes.: Laze's optics narrowed at the blond's tone.
Miles looked back at the pair. "…he the creeper Mom was always talking about?"
:…probably.:
"…okay then. I'm cool with it."
Fritz snickered at the other symbionts' taken-aback looks.
"What? Mom raised me, I know how much she loves him. So long as he treats her well, I'm fine with him. And really, she's much more stable now than she was before she…well, got sent back to you guys. Mom gave up so much for us…honestly, we just want her to be happy. And I can see from here that she's happy, so why would I object?"
They stared at the boy…and then Laze thumped his helm down onto the desk, growling grumpily as Ravage snickered. Fritz automatically stepped in front of Miles, even as he frowned at them quizzically.
:Yes, fine, you were right that he would be okay with it. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised- he was raised by Fixit, after all.:
Ravage just grinned smugly at his brother as the two spazzes rolled their eyes/optics. They might not have known what the two were talking about, but exasperation with Fixit was trans-universal.
:Hey, Miles?: Laze raised his helm to look at the blond.
"Yeah?"
:How the frag did you turn out so sane?:
He was confused. "I'm not-"
:You were raised by Fixit. You're incredibly sane in comparison.:
The spazzes snickered at that. Well, it was true…
:She drives us mad with her antics, and we've only had her for six years. You lived with her for nineteen. Teach us your ways, oh wise and mighty master of sanity!:
They laughed. "It wasn't that bad…"
:Oh yeah? She turned the Nemesis into a disco back home. Things like that were a regular occurance. You trying to say she behaved over here?:
"Well…" he thought back. "…okay, no."
:That's what I thought.:
"Although she never did anything disco-related that I can remember…"
:Seriously? That was one of her favorite themes to use back home…:
Fixit huffed, slouching moodily back against her creeper as even the slaggin' shorties started bonding over stories of her. What the frag!? She was glad they found common ground, but did it really have to be found in bemoaning her antics!?
Soundwave masterfully suppressed his snickers, but couldn't completely hide his mirth over the bond, making his Eradicon huff sulkily and half-turn to smack his chest.
"If we are all done bonding over shared exasperation with me…" Fixit said loudly, pointedly eyeing the three groups. "…there's work to be done."
A/N: The oneshot was getting too long, so I cut it in half in order to post something.
Next chapter, Mastermind's Final Prank!
(I've already written it, I just need to write the parts leading up to it. Grr…)