It felt exhausting exploring the thoughts and mentalities that Aiko carried, even through the lens of being loved by someone she loved also. But it makes sense. Because that's what anxiety and deception does to you. It wears you out and makes you desperate. Which is what you'll see here. A side to Aiko that wasn't explored in depth outside of the realm of how her parents treated her.

Welcome to Aiko's chaotic mind, everyone.

I hope you all enjoy and gain something from this bonus chapter! ^_^

~ Love StringInRepair

By the way, I had to actually check to see what my name was. Because that's how many times I change my name lolol

While We're Broken, Until We're Whole

I stand in the bathroom Haru and I share, angling my body to look at my back and all its scars that never quite healed.

I feel stupid for obsessing over the pinkish-brown stripes, but I also feel terrified of them.

I reach my arm up, uncomfortably moving my hand so that my fingernails lightly scrape along the ridges that made my skin unattractive...and frightening.

Haru would be upset if he saw me doing this. He'd tell me that it was ok and do a convincing job of believing he meant it. But, they were truly ugly. In every sense of the word.

I wrap my arms around my body, staring at my reflection when I pivot and look myself in the eyes.

I used to spend a lot of our love-making asking Haru if we could do it in the dark. He'd frown, but he would flip the switch. He'd cater to every request I made, though I could tell he was disappointed. Disproving. And I wished with all my heart that he could love me out of the dark. That I'd gain confidence every time his lips met the scars on my back...my arm...

I wanted him to be the Superman to my Lois Lane, and save the day with his superpowers of making me believe I could ever be pretty again.

That I could be seen as beautiful, even if we were bathed in daylight.

But the boost of confidence never came, and I was saddled with insecurity. Though I shoved it back with each long-sleeved shirt and layer of clothes.

I...was a downgrade...

Rin was the alluring, seductive, flawless memory that still clung to his dreams and his body. The evidence of her touch having ever been there is in how fragile he is with complimenting me, because while I am alright, I'm nothing in the light of Rin.

And I wanted to disappear.

I find myself sitting down on the edge of the tub, applying the topical scar treatment I bought at the drug store last week. It was something I stashed somewhere Haru would never look - the shoe box for my expensive heels that I wore on occasions like anniversaries and girls nights. One mention of girls, talks, and giggles and he was white as a sheet. I suppose it must have worked or a conversation about it would be coming to a pillow talk near you.

"Here," Haru speaks suddenly, spooking me to the point the tube slips out of my hand and lands on top of the tub's drain. "I was going to offer to help you put it on."

I wrap my arms around my body protectively, not sure what needed the most coverage - my bare chest or my damaged back.

"They're my scars, Haru. They're my responsibility. Not yours."

He narrows his eyes, folding his arms with a posture that reflected disapproval and offense. "When I married you, I thought that meant more than just me having your ring finger. I thought I had all of you. It upsets me because I love you, Aiko. With and without the lights on."

I bite my cheek, turning my head mournfully towards the drain where my scar remedy lie. Annoyed that in order to retrieve it, I'd have to wait until he left or let him see me again. Which was akin to him seeing the invisible hand-prints my dad's lust forever burned into me marked up skin. Or the scrawls of my mom's hate etched into any free surface of my brain like words on a memorial.

"Aiko," he snaps, demanding my attention with his hurt tone. "Are you even hearing yourself? You're so terrified of letting your guard down with me for more than our wedding night that you're actually hesitating with me. Even though I've done everything I could to convince you that I see you as what you are. Regardless of what happened before."

I roar in frustration, my groan banging against the walls of the bathroom that felt smaller and smaller the more this went on. The closer he was to me.

"That's the thing, Haru. The fact you have to console me is embarrassing. Don't you get that? With Rin, you two would be doing each other without having to worry about pep talks and sorrow. Why can't you talk sexy to me or look at me like you want me in your bed instead of pitying me all the time?"

His face crumbles in disbelief, his hands returning to his sides as he just stared at me. Like the woman he married thirteen months ago was someone he just met five minutes before, telling him that his relationship was a lie.

"You think that I was just drunk or on a high the day of our wedding as to why I was able to sleep with you in broad daylight? Or do you think I switched lives with someone else for a night and changed back the next morning?"

"Haru-"

"No," he says, shaking his head. "Nope. I'm changing that right now."

I nervously dig my nails into the scarce unharmed skin of my back, while his shadow loomed over me. "What does that mean?"

He gingerly grabs my arms to pull them away from my body, though I fight him just as hard to hold onto my modesty. My anxiety argued against the one time I let him borrow my body our wedding night to say that it was a fluke. And I was not ready, not ever ready for him to look at me.

"Aiko," he whispers, our chests rising and falling as we both knew what a moment this was for the both of us. "Let me see you. Please."

I squeeze my eyes shut, tears welling behind my lids as I slacken, allowing him more leverage to pull with. Though its still not enough.

"You sexy, stubborn woman," he lightly chastises, his brows furrowing. "Let me see you with more than just my memory and imagination."

I blush at the way he addresses me, relenting enough that he completely uncovers me. The cold air of the room brushing my half-naked body in ways that send a chill all over me.

Haru bites his lip, eyes dark and stormy with something indiscernible.

"Wow...why did I ever let you persuade me to keep a body like this hidden in the dark?" He tips his head down, hands sliding over my sides as he steps between my legs. "All I can say is...wow, Aiko. I was crazy to not keep a picture, either. This is the kind of sexy that you put on walls and stare at for hours, fantasizing about jumping into the picture. Only, I don't have to."

Even if he was laying it on thick, it didn't stop me from wanting him to continue. Because I've never had my body praised in a way this sincere.

"As for your back..." he stops short, pausing for a moment. Ensuring that I was looking right at him. Acknowledging his honesty as he smooths his palms around my waist and up to my shoulder blades. Encountering ridges and broken skin along the way, with no changes in how his eyes watched me. Except for the way they transitioned to a shade blacker. "Each thing I feel is painful, but not an ugly pain. Its more like jagged crooked lines that are abstract and easy to misunderstand. But each one is here with purpose. Each one has heart and soul in them, but the heart and soul are yours."

I look up at him as tears silently fall down my cheeks, awed by his ode to my scars.

"I'm grateful for these scars," he says with confidence, his words heavy with emphasis like a writer pressing their pen into the page hard as they could. "Without them, it would mean you haven't been saved. I wouldn't have met you without them. And I wouldn't have been able to shut up any of your doubts if they weren't there."

I throw my arms around his neck, bringing my body flush against his. Even though his poetry moved me...it still bred shame and guilt that he had to work twice as hard to love me as anyone else. I was a chore and the only moments he caught his breath were when I pretended my fears weren't there anymore.

"Now that I've had my pep talk, can we go to bed? I really want you."

"I don't know..." he drawls, expression cloudy with uncertainty. "I don't want you to think this is pity sex or anything."

I sigh, resting my forehead on his chest with the weight of what I said and ached for holding me back from kissing him furiously.

"I was stupid for that one, I'll admit. But I meant it about coming second to Rin and having to compete for a spot in your heart. I want to be the only one there."

His only reply is to grunt, moving his arm behind my legs until I'm inches off the ground and cradled in his arms. Carrying me to our bedroom coated in the dark of twilight that comes earlier and earlier this time of year. He lays me gently on our big bed with a headboard as grey as his eyes when they're smoky with sadness. His hand lightly dancing over my cheek as if one wrong move could destroy me. I close my eyes and savor a touch that feels heavy with a need to be in contact with my skin as much as possible, though I can tell his mind is on something else beneath my clothes.

The state of my heart as he saw the scars that were visible.

"Aiko," he speaks, his fingers addressing the nape of my neck to drift like an Autumn leaf down my shoulders. "You don't know it, but my hands shake when I see you." He leans in to rest his lips over my collarbone, his breath humming across the unflawed parts I had no problem showing. "I see you sitting at the dining table in our kitchen, surrounded by the daisies I buy you every week. Wearing soft yellow sweaters with not much else as you drink your coffee and read a romance. And in moments like those where you don't think them to be special...those are the kind that make me feel like a third year student with a big crush on the girl that doesn't know how gorgeous she is."

He noses my chin, breathing in my scent and exhaling bliss. "Or when we went to the pier last summer and there were mosquitoes everywhere. You were in a bathing suit with one of my shirts, so embarrassed of how you looked. Until those pesky mosquitoes started to get too close to you while you stared at your reflection in the water. You started swatting them and shrieking, and I couldn't help but laugh at it."

"I remember that," I say, pouting. "You laughed so much you didn't help me until five minutes later."

"It wasn't just that," he says, clearing his throat as he laughs even now. "I wasn't laughing just because it was funny...I was laughing because I was happy for you." He brings my hand into both of his, pulling me to his chest as he lays at my side. "I was happy that you finally forgot what you looked like in that moment. And the rest of the night we spent in the lake. A time your scars and my scars didn't bother us like those mosquitoes did."

I chew my lip in thought, finding it really hard to argue when finding good things to say about me came to him as easily as breathing.

"For the record, there's a lot I'm insecure about," he admits, his Adam's apple jerking with whatever he feels in admitting it.

I sit up a little, curious.

"Like...?"

"Like my intelligence. " He lazily throws an arm around my waist, his hand threading through my hair in thought. "Even though I know myself, sometimes the whispers of the main house of how stupid I am still get to me. Just like losing to Kyo just as much as he loses to Yuki in fights. Or the fact that it took me longer for my balls to drop, so I sounded like a squeaky idiot until I was 14. They still tease me about it, to this day."

I look up at him, my heart fluttering like a feverish butterfly. "Hiro and Kyo can't talk considering Kyo still doesn't know how to shave properly, and Hiro barely can grow a chest hair. You told me that much yourself."

He laughs softly, looking back at me. "I forgot about that. But really...I feel pathetic when those things get thrown at me. And I wonder how anyone can be with me knowing embarrassing crap like that. But even though its something I'm self-conscious about, I won't let it keep me from you. If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have known I'm dyslexic. Or felt capable of managing it like I have."

He gives me a long kiss on the forehead. His hand moving from my hair beneath the blanket to stroke my ribs, tender touches and gentle sensations.

"You never gave me a straight answer about Rin," I say. Not knowing what else to say when my insecurities never satisfied in wanting to debate with his truth. "People can have two people they want at the same time, and you never said you didn't."

He scoffs, moving over me until his body pinned mine in place for whatever truth he had to lay on me. And I tensed in expectation of the impact.

"I didn't answer because of several reasons. But the main one is hurt, Aiko. Its endlessly frustrating that I try to prove myself to you over and over. I promise you that I'm yours. But you just balk and think all of that is something I say but don't mean. Or worse...that I say them to you thinking of her.

"Honestly...the only one that can make you believe me is you. I can't force you to change your mind or listen to me. It always comes down to whether you'll trust me more than you'll trust your own feelings."

I reel at his words as if having been punched in the gut with the charge of a raging bull. And all the remembrances of trials and testimonies committed in the name of my rescue on top of how he took me in when I was nothing but a stranger to him come flooding back. And I have a hard time trying to catch it all before it rams me with its force.

I choke on tears that soften his heated expression, wanting to curl up into a ball as I tripped over the flashbulb memory of my parent's abuse and how far I've come. How far he's helped me come by simply loving me when everyone else in my life refused to.

"Aiko-" he starts, regret in his eyes. "I shouldn't have been so blunt about it."

"No," I say, looking up in a useless attempt to blink back tears that are already falling. "I know that you love me. I've always known that...its just..." I breathe out, my cheeks aching with the raw pain ripping my heart up piece by piece. "I can't love myself. I really can't. Even though I know Rin isn't even in between us anymore...the problem is, I'm still between us."

He kisses my cheek, brushing his lips over my tears as they happen. "You don't have to be put together tonight, or tomorrow. You have scars on your body that still hurt you. But the ones on your soul are what I'm more concerned about, Aiko. They're the ones that hurt the most and take the longest to heal."

"But I want to be good enough for you. I don't want to be broken anymore."

"I know..." he looks me in the eyes, reflecting my damage right back at me. "But that doesn't mean that I'm better than you or that you're not good enough for me. We both have our pain. But I don't want it to be just my pain or your pain. My scars or your scars. Its...ours. We share it, Aiko. Your heart is my responsibility to protect and love just as mine is yours. We'll figure it out. We always do."

I sniff, nodding. "So you're staying with me even though I'm still messed up after all this time?"

"Aiko, I'm staying with you while we're broken and after we're whole. We're worth ever having been fractured in the first place."

I place my hands delicately on his chest, closing my eyes one last time to hold onto my control for just a little bit longer. The times where I never had to be vulnerable or feel anything good that scared me.

Because it was something I never knew before him.

I take a large inhale, breathing out the last traces of my barriers and walls before they crumbled to rubble with the collision of my soul to his in our stare.

He smiled at me.

Softly...quietly...

I smiled back.

He bit his lip like he was shy about meeting me for the first time, his hands hesitantly relocating to my back. His fingers running over the deep impressions without his eyes ever straying from mine. And this time, I close my eyes and try to believe that it didn't make me ugly or ruined.

But instead, it made me his.

His breath leaves him in a rush of air, pulling my body against his once more. Hands moving all over me to explore everything he can't get enough of, making our breaths fasten and our hearts bang.

And as things grow more intense as he starts removing his clothes, and I'm stripped of mine...I tell him to wait before reaching over our nightstand for the lamp. I tug the cord and gather all my strength to not immediately dive beneath the covers. Even though my naked body was completely in the light of the lamp and his gaze.

But not for one moment as he draws close does he let me forget what he saw at our dining table or at the pier.

Not for one moment as we connect does he let me forget that I'm beautiful in each dreamy moan or honest word.

And not for one moment as it comes to an end and there's no reason to stay...does he let me forget that he wants to.

And together we stay.

Broken.

Bruised.

Misused.

Abused.

Damaged...

Healing.

The End.