Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, or any related characters.

WARNING!: This is obviously going to have lots of sex in it. Read carefully.

With its dimly lit hallways, hidden stairwells, and the everlasting scent of sweat in the classrooms…it kind of made sense that Central High School had a practical version of sex ed. After all, there was no way the teachers could actually combat all the hormones in all the 600-and-something students in the school…so it was actually logical for them to have a class where kids could let it all out (literally) and actually do it while being safe. At any rate, the class had drastically lowered the teen pregnancy rate in CHS, and so the government had allowed it to continue.

And like any other guy with a perpetually overactive, teenage imagination, Edward Elric signed up for the course. He had to take a sexual education class to graduate anyway, so…might as well have fun doing it.

When Ed walked into the gym (set up with mattresses separated by screens along two walls, and a large collection of tools, toys, lubes, condoms, and all sorts of paraphernalia along another), his first thought was that everyone else must have been thinking along the same lines as him. It seemed as though every kid who was above the age limit (16 years old, for legal reasons) had decided to take the class. Girls and guys alike were sitting on the bleachers, hushed and quivering in nervous excitement. It had to be said, the class was popular, but…it was going to be a bit awkward.

Edward shrugged the thought out of his head as he sat on the lowest set of bleachers (freshly cleaned for the new class), hands in his pockets. It was supposed to be awkward. It was fucking sex ed. But this version would also be satisfying, which was a nice little bonus.

The bell rang, and any conversation abruptly cut off as everyone waited expectantly. A minute later, the door to the athletics office opened and their teacher came out. Mr. Nichols was a proud, aged asexual man—that was why he got the job. Any other member of the faculty might have been too tempted to join in, and that was still frowned upon by the government. But not Mr. Nichols. As far as anyone knew, the man had never even had an erection. Personally, Ed doubted that was physically possible…but it was true that Mr. Nichols had never gotten a hard on when teaching sex ed, or any class for that matter, and that was what counted.

"Wow," the man began, laughing. "Big group. I swear, more of you sign up for this class every year." A few nervous girls behind Edward giggled. "Well, we're going to get straight to it. I'm sure you're all eager enough, so we should get to partnering up. First things first—everyone who's heterosexual, to the left. Homosexuals to the right. If you don't care either way, stand in the middle."

Ed stood up along with everyone else, bleachers creaking. He hesitated just for a moment, then walked over to Mr. Nichols's right. Having only been out for a month or so, he still wasn't quite used to owning up to being gay—but he wasn't the only one, by far. Easily half the girls in the room were with him, and a fair amount of guys as well. Edward grinned; this was getting exciting, now.

Once everyone was settled, Mr. Nichols went on. "Alright, now, your first option is to choose your partner. You're going to be spending a lot of, ahem, quality time with them, so choose wisely. If you don't know who to pick, just wait, and I'll assign you someone. You can, of course, decide against your assignment, but only if there's someone else available. Otherwise you're stuck and your only real option is to drop the class and switch to normal sex ed." There were a few groans at that. "Sorry, people, but that's the name of the game. This is a funky class to have to organize in the first place, and everything has to be voluntary, so if you're not happy with who you get there's no point in forcing yourself to be miserable. To be honest, if you do I could get in legal trouble, so…please don't."

Looking around, Edward considered what to do. He wasn't really sure who all was taking this class, and it wasn't like he had anyone in particular in mind, so…nah, he'd just be assigned. It was easier than navigating the mass of people trying to choose someone but trying to not look too interested anyway. Teenagers were complicated.

A few minutes later, Mr. Nichols blew a whistle. "Alright, everyone who hasn't chosen who they want to be with, raise your hands. I'm coming around to set you up." He chuckled for a moment, stroking his white mustache. "I love playing match maker."

The man went to the straight side first, and took his sweet time about it. On the one hand, Ed was impatient as fuck, but at the same time, he was glad Mr. Nichols wasn't just shoving people together. He was actually putting thought into this, which was a good sign.

Finally, finally, he came over. Slowly but surely, the man divided the remaining gays into pairs…only not Edward. Every time he walked past Ed, Mr. Nichols gave him a once over, but didn't partner him up. It was, to be honest, a little depressing. Edward wasn't a narcissist or anything like that, but he knew damn well he wasn't ugly…so why was he being picked last like some wimpy kid for basketball teams? He was definitely fuckable.

After literally everyone else had been paired up, Mr. Nichols came to rest in front of Ed. Without breaking eye contact, he called out, "Envy, come here."

Edward's heart jerked in his chest. Envy? Envy was in this class? He might as well just curl up and die right then and there. The green haired boy was just a little older than him, and flirted with…well, everyone. But he especially liked to abuse Ed, then give him a backhanded compliment. The overall effect was disconcerting at best, and oddly intriguing.

Eager footsteps approached from the "I'll fuck anyone" group, and Envy poked his head over Mr. Nichols's shoulder. "Ooh, do I get to be Pipsqueak's partner?"

"Is that all right, Edward?" Mr. Nichols asked. Well…Envy was a bit of a wild card personality wise—one minute he could be hyper and bouncy as hell, and the next minute about to kill someone—but he was tall and lean and had these lovely, large hands…Hardly daring to do it, not quite sure what he was getting himself into, Ed nodded.

Envy bounced to Edward's side as the teacher walked off to deal with a few other stragglers, most in the bisexual group. "Oh, this is going to be so exciting! You're my favorite little shrimp, you know? I can't wait to have fun with you."

Ed wasn't sure what to say to that, so he resorted to his old lines: "Shut up, I'm not that short, Envy."

"Oh, of course you are. Don't try to pretend. But that's okay—you're spoonable."

The room seemed to grow a little warmer in that moment as Edward flushed. "I am not!" he replied hotly.

In an instant, the taller boy had bent down, pushing his face forward into Ed's. "Aw, you don't want to spoon with me?" Envy fake-pouted, eyes twinkling. "But I want to cuddle you, Edward."

When he had signed up for this class, somehow Edward thought he would be able to maintain more of his dignity. As of right now, though, he was red faced and gaping, unable to say a word. Luckily, in that moment the bell rang, ending class.

Envy pulled back, smiling mischievously. "Looks like we don't have time today, but…I'll see you tomorrow, Pipsqueak!" And with that, he scampered off.

Blinking, Edward tried to regroup himself. What precisely had just happened? He knew people had said this class could be a lot to take on, but…damn. He'd never expected something like this.