"ALL AT ONCE ADRIAN, ISN'T DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU… HE DON'T SING SOPRANOOO, HE DOESN'T EAT FISHHHH…"

"Every single time I see this movie, I don't get it." Perry said. "The girl sings about him, he sings about himself…"
"It's a very emotional moment." Pinky said.

"Why? She hated her stupid old boyfriend, he got eaten by a tree, everyone's happy."

"But she feels guilty about it, Perry. She thinks she had something to do with it."

"She's not the one who fed him to the tree. That guy is. What's his name again…"

"All at once Adrian…" The man on the television sang.

"Oh. Right. Adrian."

"I'm trying to explain the movie to you, Perry." Pinky said.

"And I'm trying to explain to you that ADRIAN is the one who should be feeling guilty. Not that girl."

Monogram walked into the room, and Perry fell silent. He wished Adrian would stop singing. The emotional song was really annoying at this emotional moment.

Monogram was holding a suitcase. He looked sad.

Perry gazed back at him.

"MISUNDERSTANDING, ADRIAN'S YOUR BEST PAALLLLLLL!" The TV sang.

"Agent P, I wanted you to be the first to know." Monogram said. He set his suitcase down on the floor. "Ever since your birthday party… seeing all the agents in one room… seeing how big you've grown since I first found you… I can't possibly leave now. I love the agency."

He straightened up. "And I love being a Major. And working with you, Agent P. And why change things? There's an old saying… if it's not broken, don't smash it… or something like that."

Perry smiled. He ran up to Monogram and hugged him.

"And also… how could I leave you with that revolting woman?" Monogram said. He began mocking Synonym in a high-pitched voice. "'What a special opportunity to look after so many special animals'. Man, I had to sit through HOURS of that. Anyway, I'm going to go tell the others."

"Yes!" Perry said, feeling whole again. He rushed back to the couch and sat down happily. "Man, is that a relief. I thought we were gonna have to go to Plan Monogram B."

"Plan Monogram B?" Pinky asked.

"The plan where we use Tuff Gum to stick Monogram to his desk."

"AGENT P!" Monogram shouted from the other room.

"I told Peter not to go through with it unless I gave him the signal." Perry grumbled.

...

Having to answer the letters for Monogram's advice column in the Daily Danville was boring, but it was better than most punishments.

Perry honestly didn't care if Monogram made him clean toilets for sticking him to his desk. He was just happy to know that things wouldn't change.

He felt sorry for the children at Danville Daycare, though. They had a new, special caretaker looking after them.

Perry opened the first letter.

Dear Francis,

I don't know what to get my little angel for his birthday. He's about four. Any suggestions?

Clueless in the City

Perry frowned. Seriously? People could ask for any information they wanted, and they used the advice column for birthday presents?

Perry wrote his response at the bottom of the letter.

Dear Clueless,

Anything other than a Carlos the caring clown doll. Trust me. Those things are evil. And think about changing your name. You know how many things rhyme with City? Not to mention how much fun people can poke at you with 'clueless'. It also rhymes with Shoeless. Shoeless Kitty. You do NOT need to deal with that.

Really, why do people use these fake names to ask for advice? It's not like looking for a birthday present is the most embarrassing thing in the universe.

Sincerely, Meapless in Seattle.

Perry sealed his reply and moved on to the next letter.

Dear Francis,

What should I wear on my date?

Dear person going on the date:

Plaid and polka dots go together really nicely. What are you asking me for? I have no idea what's in your closet or what your price range is. Ask your friend or something.

Perry drew a picture of a girl wearing a plaid-polka-dot dress at the bottom and sealed that letter as well.

There were only two more letters. He was almost home free.

Dear Francis,

I was talking to my friend the other day and then I made him mad. So here's what I need advice on: Why do people get mad?

A Good Friend

Dear That Person Who Thinks He's A Good Friend,

People get mad because people waste their time sending in stupid questions and all they want to do is finish so they can eat breakfast. Oh, and also, word of advice: people get mad if you put Tuff Gum on their desk.

Perry opened up the last letter. He was surprised to find that it was a little more serious than the others.

Dear Francis,

I used to be a horrible person, and I hurt a lot of people. I try to be nicer now. But I can't do anything to fix my mistakes or my relationships. I tried to, but you'd be surprised to find how ungrateful people can be.

Is it so wrong to try to get back into the life I once had, as a nicer person?

Perry hesitated a moment.

Then he picked up his pen.

Dear Martin O'Riley,

They're happy now. You're happier now. I could tell when I saw you. You're a loner, and you don't like being around people. You just feel obligated to. And they have no desire to see you again. Everyone's happy the way things are right now.

In short…

If it's not broken, don't fix it.

Perry hesitated. That really didn't seem like the best way to end the letter. He picked up his pen again.

If it's not broken, don't fix it. You jerk.

That was better.

Perry sealed the letter and tossed it into the basket with the others. He headed to the cafeteria, where Monogram was making his famous pancakes to celebrate his return.