CHAPTER 8.

"So, she's gonna be OK?"

Ray slumped down into the hard plastic chair with relief when he heard the doctor's reply. The young, male, doctor continued talking – something about muscle damage and physical therapy - but Ray hoped Fraser was listening to that part because he couldn't take any of it in.

Stella had been in surgery for over an hour and the more time passed the more Ray had convinced himself that she wasn't going to make it. Fraser had become increasingly concerned about his state of mind; Ray had refused to let him take Carmen, instead holding her tightly and rocking her gently in his arms, mumbling incoherently.

"When can I see her?" Ray asked, interrupting the doctor in full flow.

"Soon," replied the doctor. "She's in Recovery at the moment. Someone will fetch you when she's settled into her room." He shoved his hands into the pockets of his white coat and smiled; one of the best parts of his job was telling people that their loved ones were going to be alright and he could see that Ray loved this particular patient very much indeed.

Ray nodded silently. He understood that he'd have to wait a little longer. The last couple of hours had felt like a lifetime to him, so a few more minutes couldn't be too bad.

"Thank you kindly," Fraser said to the doctor and the younger man walked off down the hospital corridor. Fraser sat down in the chair next to Ray and watched as the colour slowly returned to his friend's face.

Ray glanced at the Mountie and the corner of his mouth twitched into a smile of relief. "I thought…I thought we'd lost her, Fraser," he said quietly.

Fraser nodded. He had to admit he'd been very worried about Stella as they'd waited for news.

Carmen suddenly stirred and opened her eyes. Ray smiled fondly at the tiny infant in his arms. "Lucky kid," he said. "Wish I could've slept through the last couple hours."

Carmen started to cry.

"Why don't I take her to see her mother?" suggested Fraser, reaching out to take the baby from Ray. "I'm sure Silvina will be up for a short visit."

"Yeah," agreed Ray. He needed some time alone to think, he had so much whirling around in his head it was making him feel nauseous.

"Are you alright?" asked Fraser in a low voice as he lifted Carmen into his arms.

"Sure," replied Ray, unconvincingly. "I'll, um, I guess I'll be in with Stella if I'm not here when ya get back."

Fraser studied his partner for a moment. The shock had hit him hard, but now that they knew Stella was on the road to recovery Fraser hoped that Ray would be alright too. The last few days had left his friend in more of a state of emotional turmoil that he'd been letting on and that was before Stella had almost died.

I wish I knew how to help you, Ray…

"Right you are," he said. Relationship advice was not one of Fraser's strong points at the best of times and Ray's issues with Stella were so complicated and the scars ran so deep that he didn't know where to start. He would try though – again - but it would have to wait for later.

Ray watched as his buddy walked away with Carmen. He let out a huge sigh and closed his eyes. He really needed to see Stella, he needed to apologise – he was convinced that the whole thing was his fault. If he hadn't arrested Molton in the first place, then the scumbag wouldn't have been out to get him and Stella wouldn't have got tangled up in the mess.

Oh that's just stupid; I had to bring him in…but this is still all my fault…

xXxXx

Stella opened her eyes at the sound of Ray's voice.

"Hey, sorry," Ray whispered. "Didn't mean to wake ya. Doc said I could come in."

Stella smiled. "It's OK," she replied in a croaky voice. "I wasn't asleep." She reached out her hand and Ray tenderly took it in his.

"Er, can I get ya anything?" he asked.

"No, thank you," Stella replied. She swallowed hard, her throat felt dry and coarse. "Um, maybe water?" she added.

"Sure," smiled Ray and poured some water from the jug that had been left for her into a plastic cup. Stella looked pale and weak, not surprising considering what she's been through, Ray realised, but it was still hard to see her in such a state. He held the cup to her lips and she sipped at the water.

"Fraser took Carmen to Silvina's room," Ray explained as Stella licked her dry lips.

Stella nodded. "I…I don't know what happened," she began. "I thought we'd be safe, I was trying desperately to protect the baby…" she trailed off and took a breath. Talking was an effort for her.

"Sshhh," urged Ray and placed the plastic cup back on the side. "Don't worry about it, the bullet must've ricocheted off the car or something. Nothing you could've done."

"I didn't even feel it at first," Stella continued. "Even when I saw the blood I thought…" her voice cracked as she remembered the terror she'd felt when she thought Carmen had been shot.

"It's OK," said Ray, squeezing her hand. "You're OK now."

Stella nodded. "I'm tired," she said. "Would you just…I'd like it if you could just stay with me for a while."

"Sure," smiled Ray. As a friend…

Stella closed her eyes again and tried to sleep. Her body ached all over. The pain in her shoulder was under control with medication, but she was having trouble relaxing.

"Stell…"

Stella's eyes snapped open.

"Sorry, forget it," said Ray, instantly regretting disturbing her.

"OK," Stella's voice came out as a whisper. There was obviously something on Ray's mind, but she wanted to rest. They could talk later when she had regained some of her strength. She closed her eyes again and tried breathing slowly, just as Fraser had shown her the other day when she'd been having difficulty sleeping, but it didn't seem to help.

"It's just that I…" Ray's voice cut into her thoughts again.

"What is it, Ray?" she said as her eyes opened again. She hadn't meant to sound so abrupt, but this really wasn't a good time for a conversation.

"Nothing…I, er…" Ray knew he should wait until another time, but he needed an answer to something that had been going round in his head since before the shooting. "It's just…back there in the tyre yard, ya said something…just before I went out to confront Molton…" he trailed off, hoping Stella would remember and could give him an explanation.

Stella's brow furrowed into a frown. Much of what had happened that morning was a blur; shock and pain and medication had clouded her mind. "What did I say?"

Ray squeezed her hand gently. "It doesn't matter," he said.

"Obviously it does," she replied. "Just tell me what's on your mind."

"OK," he said. "Fraser was already out there and there was no cover, so I had my gun in my hand and I was just gonna walk out and you said…you said, 'this is why we never had kids'…or something like that."

Stella sighed. Of course, now she remembered. She'd been scared and angry and she'd vocalised a momentary thought that, in retrospect, should have stayed silent. Of course Ray, being Ray, had picked up on it and now he needed to know what she'd meant. "It was nothing, Ray. Forget it," she said.

"Oh, it's just…" Ray wasn't going to be able to forget it. "I…er..I figured ya must've meant…um… We didn't have kids because…" he prompted.

"We didn't have kids for a lot of reasons," sighed Stella.

"But what's it got to do with Molton?"

"It's not Molton, Ray, it's you," replied Stella.

Ray was stunned. He'd always assumed it was his fault - everything that goes wrong in my shitty life is my fault - but he'd never actually had Stella confirm his fears in such a direct way before.

"No, Ray, I'm sorry, that came out all wrong," said Stella, quickly. "I just meant that…" she stopped to gather her thoughts. She knew how badly Ray could be affected by things she said – she'd watched him fall apart at the end of their marriage and she didn't want to hurt him anymore. "We don't need to talk about all this again," she said eventually. "You wanted kids and I didn't, it's a simple as that. We've been over this a hundred times…water, please, Ray."

"Oh," Ray helped her to sip from the cup again while he tried to make sense of her words. "I…I don't understand," he said, quietly. Stella was deliberately avoiding answering his question. What did this have to do with him confronting Molton?

"I tried, I really did," said Stella, fighting back tears. "I wanted to change my mind all those years ago, I wanted to make you happy, but no matter how much I tried I just couldn't ever see children in our lives, Ray. I'm sorry…"

"Why not?" Ray couldn't understand.

"Oh Ray, don't you get it?" Stella's bottom lip quivered. She'd always hoped he would understand one day, but it was clear that he didn't have a clue. "You're a cop…"

"Cops have kids," Ray interrupted her. This wasn't really about his career choice, was it?

"Not cops like you," continued Stella. She was so tired, but she realised Ray needed an answer. It was the least she could do for him now. This wasn't the only reason, but it was a huge part of it. She thought Ray had understood all those years ago, but suddenly it had become an issue again.

Why can't you just let it go, Ray? Why can't you let me go?

"Ray, every day when you walked out of our front door I never knew if you'd be coming back," she began. "I never knew if I'd see you again and if we'd had children…"

"Oh," Ray let go of her hand suddenly and got to his feet. "So it really was because of me. Why didn't you say somethin'? If you wanted me to quit I'd have quit years ago! You know I never wanted to be a cop in the first place…I…I…" he turned away and tried to process the new information.

"No, Ray," replied Stella, tears streaming down her face now. Why couldn't he understand? "That's just it, I didn't want you to quit. You're a good cop, Ray, a great cop. So many people owe their lives to you; people who would be dead if you…if you…if you didn't do the things you do. You're not like other cops; just look at your citations. You…you risk your life every day to get the scum off the streets so people are safe." Stella felt as though she'd run a marathon after saying all of that.

"So…let me get this straight…" Ray ran his fingers through his hair. "If I was a regular traffic cop, we could've had kids?"

"No, Ray, you don't understand…" Stella reached out her hand again, but Ray didn't take it. "Please, forget I ever said anything. I was just…just scared, it's not important now."

Ray shook his head; his breathing was becoming shallow and rapid. He couldn't look at his ex-wife in the eye. How could he have been so stupid? Why hadn't she explained this to him before? Oh god, I think I'm gonna throw up…

Ray ran out of the room and almost straight into Fraser who was coming the other way.

"Ray?" Fraser was instantly concerned. He glanced briefly at the door to Stella's room and then turned and ran after his friend. "Ray, what's wrong?" For a horrible moment he thought something had happened to Stella.

"Leave me alone," snapped Ray. "I can't…I can't talk about it…now…please…"

Fraser stopped in his tracks and watched as his friend ran around the corner and out of sight. Then he turned back to Stella's room. Surely they hadn't had another fight? Not now. Less than an hour ago she'd been fighting for her life on the operating table. Fraser sighed and walked towards Stella's room. He paused for a moment, listening through the door and wondering if he should go in. Whatever had happened was really none of his business and he couldn't help but feel awkward about getting involved. If and when Ray was ready to talk about it he would and Fraser would be there to listen, but until then he thought it was probably best to keep his distance. He didn't understand Ray and Stella's relationship at the best of times. Then he heard Stella's sobbing noises through the door and he couldn't ignore her. He knocked gently on the door.

"Stella, it's Fraser, can I come in?"

There was no reply, but Fraser opened the door anyway. Stella was trying to reach the box of tissues on her bedside table, but the pain in her other shoulder was preventing her from moving too much. She looked up at Fraser as he entered the room. Her eyes were so sad and vulnerable and Fraser wanted to run to her and envelope her in a comforting and protective hug. He hesitated though. Their friendship had changed in recent days and Stella had opened up to him more than she had ever done before, but Stella was like him in so many ways and he could see that she was fighting to maintain her dignity in front of him.

"I'll get them," he said, and grabbed the tissue box. He pulled out a tissue and pressed it into her hand and she tried to whisper a 'thank you', but she couldn't make any coherent sounds.

Fraser saw the half empty cup of water and helped her take a few sips; then he silently gave her a moment to compose herself.

"Did…did you see…Ray?" she asked eventually, between sobs.

"Yes," replied Fraser. "I don't mean to pry and please accept my apologies if I've overstepped any kind of mark, but…" he trailed off, not sure how to phrase his question without sounding overly inquisitive.

Stella couldn't help but smile. Fraser's Canadian politeness was either endearing or downright irritating depending on the circumstances. Right now she was grateful for it; anyone else would have demanded to know what had gone on between her and Ray to leave them both so upset. "It's OK," she managed to reply. "I said some things I shouldn't have…"

"Oh dear."

Stella nodded. "I love him," she said. "But I can't seem to stop hurting him…" she broke down completely.

"Sshhh," urged Fraser. This was not aiding her recovery at all. He put a gentle hand on her good shoulder and tried to soothe her.

"Please…please go see if he's OK…" she sobbed. She winced in pain as the sobbing racked through her body.

"I will," Fraser promised. "In a moment," he added. "Should I fetch a nurse?" He was starting to get worried about her distressed state.

"No, I'm fine," she replied. She tried the breathing exercise again and it seemed to help a little.

"That's good," encouraged Fraser. "Slowly, that's it."

"Tell him it's not his fault," whispered Stella. "Tell him it was just one tiny part of how I felt…and tell him I wouldn't have wanted him to change for anything…not for me, or for our children…"

"Sshhh…" urged Fraser.

"Just tell him…I'm sorry."

Fraser sighed. So this was all about them not having children. He'd had a bad feeling that would be the case. He nodded. "I will," he said. "Now you really need to rest."

xXxXxXx

"It's your turn again, buddy." Ray growled and pulled his sleeping bag up over his head.

"But Ray, it was my turn last time." Fraser sat up and frowned. "And the time before that." The sound of Carmen's cries wafted through Stella's apartment for the third time since he and Ray had turned out the lights.

"Nope," came Ray's muffled voice. "Got that wrong there, Fraser; definitely your turn."

Fraser wriggled out of his familiar bedroll and got to his feet. He didn't really mind getting up for Carmen again, he knew he'd already had more sleep than his partner anyway and he wished he could find a solution to the baby's sleeping troubles for all of their sakes, but it was proving difficult.

Stella was still in hospital. She was making a good recovery and would hopefully be able to come home soon, but in the meantime Fraser – and Ray – had moved into her apartment to take care of Carmen. Ray knew he didn't need to be there, but he didn't want to sleep alone, not yet – the nightmares were starting to become a problem.

Fraser returned from the bedroom with Carmen in his arms. Ray had screwed himself into a ball on the couch, still completely wrapped in the sleeping bag, but Carmen's loud, piercing screams cut right to his eardrums and he couldn't ignore the noise any more. He threw back the corner of his sleeping bag and scowled. "I've changed my mind," he announced. "I never, ever want kids. Ever."

"Right you are," nodded Fraser. He knew Ray didn't mean it, although right now even Fraser wanted nothing more than a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. He moved Carmen from one shoulder to the other in an attempt to make her comfortable. He started singing her a gentle lullaby and stroking the soft hair on the top of her head, but it made no difference to her distress.

"Why is she doing this?" asked Ray, who had by now resigned himself to another sleepless night.

At least I can't dream about shit when I'm awake…

"I wish I knew," replied Fraser. "I believe she's still having trouble with intestinal gas. It can cause a lot of pain in infants. However, I've exhausted all the remedies I know, I'm not sure what else to do now."

"Poor kid," said Ray. "She's had one hell of a start in life."

"Agreed," nodded Fraser.

"D'ya want me to feed her again?" asked Ray.

Fraser shook his head. "I don't think she wants to feed," he explained, "it was only thirty seven minutes ago since our last attempt and she hardly took any milk on that occasion…and I've checked her diaper." He paused and thought for a moment. "You know, Ray, you may be onto something," he said.

Ray looked puzzled.

"Take off your shirt," Fraser instructed.

"Huh?" For a moment Ray thought he'd drifted back to sleep and this was a weird nightmare.

"Babies find comfort in skin to skin contact with their mothers," Fraser tried to explain. "Perhaps Carmen's lack of such bonding time with Silvina is contributing to her current state of unrest?"

"I'm not her mother," noted Ray, wincing as Carmen screamed out again.

"I realise that," nodded Fraser, swinging the baby over onto her stomach and rocking her from side to side. "It's a working theory at this juncture, but perhaps she may be comforted by skin to skin contact with you? You have been spending a lot of time with her recently."

"So have you," Ray pointed out. "Why don't you do it?"

"I'd be happy to, but it would be easier for you to remove your shirt than it would be for me to partially undress," replied Fraser, looking down at himself and the usual night time attire of red longjohns he was wearing.

"You commando under there?" sniggered Ray. "No wonder the Ice Queen likes you to wear those," he added with a wink.

Fraser decided it would be best not to answer.

"OK," said Ray with a shrug. "Anything to help," and he quickly pulled his t-shirt off over his head and threw it on the floor.

The Mountie carefully undressed Carmen and then passed her to Ray.

"Mother and child bonding time is very important," explained Fraser. "Carmen and Silvina have missed out in recent days, but I'm sure once they are reunited permanently they will be able to make up for lost time."

"Hope so," agreed Ray. "C'mon kid," he said, glancing down at the tiny bundle in his arms who was still screaming at the top of her voice. "No wonder you drove Stella crazy," he added, shaking his head.

"For the first two years of their lives, Inuit babies are carried around by their mothers," Fraser began. "The women wear the amauti, or amautik – a type of coat with a built in pouch on the back for carrying the baby. The child is never separated from the mother, which naturally encourages bonding."

"Oh, er, I see," said Ray. He wasn't really interested in an Inuit story right now. All he wanted was for Carmen to go to sleep so he could do the same.

"It also keeps the child safe from frostbite," added Fraser.

"Well it's pretty warm in here," noted Ray, dryly. "I don't think, er, frostbite is gonna be a big problem."

"No, of course not," acknowledged Fraser.

"So, d'ya have a, er, an amalfi?" Ray asked.

"Amauti, Ray," Fraser corrected him. "Amalfi is a town in Italy."

"I knew that," lied Ray.

"And no, I'm afraid I don't," added Fraser. "It merely thought you might be interested."

Ray rolled his eyes. "I guess," he replied, unconvincingly. He sighed heavily and wrapped his arms around Carmen. "Get yer motor runnin'…" he began to sing. "Head out on the highway…!"

"Ray, Ray, Ray, RAY!" Fraser interrupted him. "Whilst singing to her is an excellent idea, perhaps something a little more…gentle might be appropriate?"

"Oh, er, yeah," agreed Ray. Maybe Steppenwolf had been a poor choice after all.

Ray tried to remember a few nursery rhymes, but he had to make up most of the lyrics as he went along. Just as he thought he was going to collapse with exhaustion, he realised that Carmen had started to calm down. He grinned at Fraser. "It's working," he whispered.

"Apparently so," agreed Fraser with a smile. He too was in desperate need of sleep. Although he had, in the past, gone for several days without sleep, he'd usually been out in a glacier field in pursuit of a malfeasant, so he'd been in a heightened state of alert and of course the freezing cold had helped to keep him awake. Here in the warmth of Stella's apartment he was finding it difficult to keep his eyes open. He glanced at Diefenbaker who had so far managed to sleep through the whole night, despite the noise. One of the few advantages of being deaf, I imagine…

"So, er, the doc said when Stella gets out of the hospital she's gonna need help for a while," said Ray, keeping his voice low.

"Indeed," agreed Fraser, a little surprised at the sudden conversation.

"So, I offered to move in here for a while," continued Ray. "Stell seemed OK with it."

"Silvina will be here," noted Fraser.

"Yeah, but she'll, er, she'll have Carmen to look after and she's been pretty sick herself," said Ray.

Fraser nodded. It was a kind gesture on Ray's behalf, he just hoped his friend was doing it for the right reasons.

"We're cool now, y'know," added Ray. "Me and Stell, I mean."

"I'm glad to hear it, Ray," smiled Fraser.

Ray and Stella had done a lot of talking over the last few days and things were finally starting to become clearer to Ray. He felt so guilty about upsetting her when she'd just come out of surgery and he'd apologised over and over, but they'd talked about it and Ray could see Stella's point of view now. He understood that her views on his career and the way he chose to live his life were not the only reasons why she hadn't wanted children and Stella had apologised for making it sound that way. Their friendship was back on track, Ray just hoped he didn't blow it this time.

"Hey, Fraser," said Ray, glancing down as Carmen finally closed her eyes. "Imagine you're a woman…"

"Oh dear," Fraser shook his head. This wasn't the first time Ray had started a conversation like this.

Ray laughed. "C'mon, buddy, go with me on this. Imagine you're a woman. Would you wanna have my babies?"

Fraser rubbed at his eyebrow with his thumbnail. "You know, Ray, as I've said before, I'm really not qualified to answer questions such as these."

"Stella says it wasn't me, y'know, it wasn't really my fault, it was her," continued Ray.

"Then why do you need an answer from me?" asked Fraser.

"Well, I just wanna know where I stand," explained Ray. "Say, um, say I meet someone one day and she wants to have kids…"

"If you're considering the possibility of meeting another woman who wants to have children with you then this discussion is moot," Fraser pointed out.

Ray laughed and then immediately clapped his hand over his mouth and looked down at Carmen, hoping he hadn't woken her up. Fortunately she seemed content to sleep. Finally.

"What I mean is, if I meet a girl and we, y'know, things move on and we start talking about having kids, I just wanna know how that feels," Ray explained, "because…what if I decide I don't want kids after all?"

"Ray, may I suggest that you're worrying yourself about a situation that has not arisen yet," Fraser pointed out. He was glad to hear Ray talking about the idea of meeting someone else, it was the first time he'd ever really talked about a serious relationship with anyone other than Stella. Fraser realised it was a very good sign that his friend had finally started to come to terms with the direction his life had taken.

"Yeah, I know," admitted Ray. "But, the thing is, Fraser, it wasn't a big deal, not really. I mean, I always figured we'd have kids one day, or maybe we wouldn't. I dunno…it's not like we talked about it all the time, or anything."

"Stella wasn't keen, though," replied Fraser.

"No," agreed Ray. "She wasn't." He shrugged. "Thing is, since we got divorced…" he paused. "Since then, I think about it all the time. Well, not all the time, but a lot, y'know."

Fraser considered his friend's admission. "Perhaps not having children is not really the issue here?" he suggested.

Ray nodded. "It's about not having Stella, isn't it," he admitted sadly. He closed his eyes in a moment of reflection. Then he opened them again and a small smile danced across his lips. "But, now we're friends and so maybe it, er, it won't seem so bad now? I mean, I haven't lost her completely have I, so maybe that'll be enough?"

"Maybe," smiled Fraser. He really hoped this new start for Ray's relationship with Stella would mean he would finally be able to move on from the breakdown of their marriage.

"Y'know, you didn't answer my question," Ray pointed out.

"Which question was that, Ray?"

"Would you have my babies?" grinned Ray.

Without skipping a beat, Fraser replied. "No."

Ray's grin grew wider. "I'm kinda glad to hear it, buddy."

THE END.