Dismay

Larry slowly returned to himself after his all-too-short precious escape, but his senses were distorted. And more puzzling was what he was hearing, "No! Tuddrussel! NoooooDon't!" The faint sound was clearly recognizable as Otto's voice, but why was he screaming?

The sound of the voice gradually became clearer, and finally, Larry's eyes began to see again. But what they saw, was Tuddrussel's broad shoulders and massive neck. Instantly, Larry decided to himself that he was happier without his sight! With a moan of discomfort, Larry averted his gaze, turning his head and looking over his shoulder, realizing he was being carried.

"Tuddrussel! What do you think you are doing?" Larry received no answer, but as Tuddrussel turned a corner, Larry faced forward again, finding himself in the computer room. The monitors no longer gleamed their welcoming warmth of less than an hour earlier; now their harsh glare was almost unbearable. Desperate to be anywhere but there, Larry kicked and struggled, flailing his arms and legs wildly.

A sharp jolt from Tuddrussel's unrelenting fist settled him quickly. Even the shouts of his diminutive crusader provided Larry with little comfort. "Tuddrussel, you can't do this! He's one of us! You shouldn't do this to him just because you can!" Larry had no idea what the "this" Otto kept protesting really was, but clearly Tuddrussel had every intention of doing it anyway.

Pounding on the side of Larry's head, Tuddrussel finally made contact with a button. This was what he had been looking for, and Larry's head was open, revealing a mess of mechanisms whirring away. Tuddrussel eyed them a moment, wondering what a few solid strikes would accomplish here. But liking his original idea better, he grasped Larry with one hand, and reaching behind some of the monitors, he produced a wire.

That was where he had left it after the last downgrade. Larry was paralyzed with fear; knowing that there really wasn't much he could do. But now everything was clear to him. He was losing himself, and soon, he would be just like the computer he was now connected to. One end of the wire was now attached to one of the computer's outlets, and plugged into his head. With his final burst of consciousness he could dredge up, Larry averted his eyes to the computer screen. The last thing he could truly comprehend were the words: "Downgrade: 3.5" highlighted and glaring down on him.

Larry remembered this feeling from his own accidental downgrade. That was long ago, of course, but this replay of it brought all its emotion back along with it. It returned to him in a flurry, a helter skelter hurricane of all that he knew and loved. A shift in perspective, and he could picture himself, quaking violently, trying to escape from something with no name and no face. It was dead, and yet it possessed him, controlling his every move and thought. Its bellowing cries followed him, and the sound was inhuman

"Nooooo! Larry! Can you hear me? Answer me" Otto begged Larry, pleadingly. He clung to Larry's leg, longing for a response. But the damage was done. Larry raised his head despondently, looking in Otto's direction. "Larry!" Otto's tear-filled eyes brightened with hope, but instead of a verbal response from Larry, all he received was a dazed stare from empty green eyes.

The sight horrified Otto, and it shattered his very being to see such a thing. His hands fell limp, and he released Larry from his grasp. He sat on the floor, staring at the ground, trying everything in his power not to look at Larry, but it was nearly impossible not to. Tuddrussel was clearly proud of his handiwork, and was ready for Larry to move. With one solid push, he knocked Larry to the floor next to Otto.

Larry's eyes raged icy green for a moment, then faded to the standard green again. The inner torment had, for the most part, died down, but that didn't shut the turmoil down entirely. He knew he had been shortchanged; and remembered that things had been different. And even though he couldn't remember who these two people near him were, he classified the small one as good, and the large one as bad. But who were they? And more importantly, who was he?

No amount of trying would allow Larry to find the answer to either question. He righted himself, sitting up next to Otto, who looked up into Larry's face, saddened, fearful. Larry reminded Otto of an infant, or anyone with the mental capacity of one. His head was tilted to one side, eyes staring dully ahead, each hand in an awkward contorted position. Tuddrussel was losing interest in watching Larry's simplicity.

Although Larry heard the thud of Tuddrussel's feet hitting the floor behind him, he didn't turn to look because he was so absorbed in his attempt to figure out who this small thing next to him was. As he passed Larry, Tuddrussel gave him a kick in the side, sending him crashing backwards, where his head collided with the metal counter.

Otto glared over at Tuddrussel who had stopped at the sound of the clang. He wanted to fly at Tuddrussel who had always garnered a certain amount of favoritism from Otto in the past, chiefly because of his laid-back nature until now. Where had that gone? Strict as Larry had been, he had done so much more than enough. "Tuddrussel!"

"Will you just go to bed already? It's late." Tuddrussel shouted at Otto.

"Not until you tell me why!"

"I already told you why. It's late!" Tuddrussel's self-appraising glory had worn off, at least for the moment. Now, he was tired, and becoming increasingly frustrated.

"Don't try to change the subject." Otto crossed his arms. Larry, who had been looking back and forth between the two up until this point, decided that the yelling bothered him. Curling up as tight as he could, he waited fretfully for what would come next.

"I'm going to bed."

"Tuddrussel, tell me!" Otto rose to his feet, prepared to chase Tuddrussel down if he had to.

The two heavy feet stopped in their tracks. Tuddrussel's shoulders slumped as he turned and faced Otto. "Fine! Whatever." Clearly, he was in no mood for explaining something he perceived as being perfectly obvious already. "Otto, he's a robot. I've had enough of him trying to be one of us when he damn well isn't. Now he's a robot: he'll do what we tell him. Watch. Larry! Get up."

Raising his head, Larry rose clumsily to his feet. And that quickly, he was at Tuddrussel's side. "Now," Tuddrussel continued, "Go to the kitchen and stay there." No! No! No! No! Something inside Larry yelled. But with one final pleading look at Otto, Larry went.

"See? Larry' is not a person, and he wasn't meant to be one." Without another word, Tuddrussel went lumbering off into the dank hall as if nothing had happened. He merged with the darkness outside the computer's glow once more, and that was it.

Otto was in no hurry. After all that, he didn't even want to breathe the same air as Tuddrussel. Pulling himself up into the chair, he stared at the intense blaze of the computer screen. Uninhibited, his eyes watered. Whether it was because the brightness of the screen was hard on his eyes or grief over Larry, he was unsure. Possibly both. Loss. That was what it was. The downgrade killed Larry, Otto told himself. Even though he still walks and hears and sees, he's dead. He has no spirit anymore.

Tearing his glasses from his face, Otto buried his face in his hands, just as Larry had only the night before, when he was still whole. Through his tears, Otto scowled at the monitor, forcing himself to squelch a desire to smash it. Larry had been human; the trouble was, he had been condemned to stay in the wrong body. The body wasn't part of Larry, it was just a house for his thriving heart — abstract though it was.

Now that only that body remained, it was just an empty shell, nothing more. The person was gone. Tuddrussel had taken Larry's life. Tuddrussel had murdered him.

* * * * * * *

By now, Larry was standing in the pitch black kitchen with one hand on the table. Not that he understood what he was doing in there. Now, he was certain he had been cheated out of something; it had been wrenched out of his grasp. In a way, he knew what it was, but there was no way he could possibly describe it.

Nor could he speak of it. Things were coming back to him, slowly. He remembered Otto and Tuddrussel, and even who he had once been. In fact, Larry had not died; he lived. It only seemed as if there was a wall there, a blockade preventing Larry from being who he had always been. In his mind, there was so much still going on. But there was no getting the emotions and thoughts from his mind to his tongue.

Not only that, but it all seemed pointless. Every attempt to break away was silenced by grasping, scraping, clutching claws that strangled him, not allowing any sort of humanity that remained to reveal itself. But his rich, complex inner worlds still existed, held themselves up after all they had been forced to endure. Larry could picture himself racing around, pounding onto the wall with his fists, then falling to his knees seeing the futility. His hands were covered with dents and scratches. But nothing would make them bleed.