Catharsis

By: Aviantei

a

If I were being fully honest with myself, I knew the cause of my writer's block. I knew what had made it so difficult to let words spill out of me as they once did. I knew why I couldn't ever get more than a handful of characters down before I decided to quit. I could narrow it down to one emotion, to one event, to one catalyst that had stopped me from writing anything over the past few years.

I could do it.

I could do it, and it would be so, so easy.

But I didn't want to.

I didn't want to face my own shortcomings. I didn't want to face my feelings. I didn't want to acknowledge the truth. I wanted to pretend as if nothing had really happened and instead indulge in the fantasy that I couldn't write because clearly I was washed up, whatever enthusiasm I had had for the art once before had been a mistake, I just couldn't write any more, and that's all there was to it. I wanted to portray myself as someone who had become stagnant with no escape—as if it were as predetermined as the fate Hiroomi seemed so insistent on helping me avoid.

Because I was scared of what would happen if I put the effort in to try again.

Fucking pathetic, as per usual, Kazue, thank you.

b

"Okay, time's up. Pencils down, papers up front."

A collective wave of sighs and groans slipped across the room amidst all the rustling papers as we complied with Ishikawa-sensei's instructions. Since I had been able to sneak in some studying, the quiz hadn't been all that bad—of course, maybe that was unfair to say since it had been a literature assignment, so it wasn't that bad for me. Even if I sucked at writing anything, I could handle all the other parts of the subject okay.

Assembling all the turned in quizzes, Ishikawa glanced up at the clock. "We're almost at lunch break, so I'll give you the rest of the period for open study time. Make sure you're all back in time for your next class."

There were a few verbal responses, but for the most part everyone silently slinked back into their desks. A few people scrambled for the chance to take care of incomplete homework, and the student sitting right in front of me dropped their head down to their desk with a groan. Since I wasn't horribly behind on classwork for once in my life, I tugged out one of the club anthologies from my bag and flipped it open to my bookmark.

The next work that I got into was interesting enough that I hardly noticed that the bell had rang and everyone had started moving until I reached the end—I'd have to recommend that one at our next meeting. I glanced over at Hiroomi's desk, only to find that he was standing nearby. Catching my gaze, he waved. "Not to interrupt, but I was thinking if I left you here, you'd just read and not eat anything."

What sucks is that you're not wrong. It wouldn't have been my first time doing something like that, but I tucked my bookmark back into place and let the anthology close shut. "You can just tell me that you're worried about me going back on my word from earlier. I wouldn't blame you." Hiroomi frowned a bit as I fished my wallet from my bag. Standing up, I flicked his shoulder. "Relax; that was a joke. If we dawdle around, we're gonna leave Kanbara waiting, and I don't wanna hear him whine while I try to eat."

Hiroomi breathed out a soft laugh. "I'm sure he'll be much more vocal about his appreciation of having your glasses around, Sugiyama-san."

"Please don't remind me."

c

"What's this, what's this, what's this? Sugiyama-senpai has decided to join us for lunch? I get to have a bespectacled beauty until afternoon classes start? Ah, where's Kuriyama-san? If we invite her along, then this will become paradise. Paradise, I say!"

"Leave Kuriyama-chan out of this. Don't you have anyone in your own class that you can bother with that nonsense?"

"Well, you see, it's a tragedy," Kanbara said, "I don't actually have a single person in my class with glasses. Isn't that the worst?! So tell me, Sugiyama-senpai, how am I supposed to enjoy the wonder that is glasses if I don't come to you and Kuriyama-san for it?!"

Wow, I hate it when I'm right. Kanbara going off on one of his rambles was exactly what I had expected to run into, but that didn't make it any less annoying. As easy as it would have been to turn on my heel and retreat, though, I didn't feel like running away over nothing, so I walked past Kanbara without another word and sat down to eat. The plastic crinkling all the way, I dug through my school store bag for the sandwich I'd just picked up.

"Trust me, Akkey, I feel your pain," Hiroomi said, forming a triangle between the three of us as he sat down. "What I wouldn't give to share a class with Mitsuki-chan. But I guess that's the tragedy of being the older sibling, isn't it?"

"Well, it's not like we could trade classes or anything—oh, wait!" That thoughtful look on Kanbara's face could only mean something stupid was about to come out of his mouth. "You're in class with Sugiyama-senpai, right? Mitsuki doesn't sit too far from me. Trade me places right now!"

"Rejected," I said between bites of my chocolate croissant. "How the hell do you two expect to be able to switch grades without anyone even noticing?" Not to mention if they were successful, I'd lose out on my front row seat to Hiroomi's scarf every day, and there's no way in hell I would let something like that happen. I plan to enjoy every day I have left in high school with this blessing, dammit!

Kanbara harrumphed, while Hiroomi crossed his arms. "I like to think that little details like that don't get in the way of the power of love, Sugiyama-san," Hiroomi said, while Kanbara nodded as if he'd just heard the wisdom of the Buddha spoken out loud for the first time. "Even if it doesn't happen, it's nice to imagine. Even if I didn't have lunch, I'd be able to sustain myself on the sheer idea of sharing a class with Mitsuki alone!"

I mean, if you want to daydream all day instead of paying attention to class, be my guest.

Arguing with these two idiots wouldn't do any good, so I let myself enjoy my favorite pastry while they debated the pros and cons of having to jump ahead or repeat a school year (spoilers: so long as they got what they wanted out of it, nothing but their fetishes seemed to matter to them). If nothing else, I got the opportunity to appreciate Hiroomi's scarf from a better angle than sitting a seat back and over from him in the classroom. Between the tassels, the different colors of the lined patterns, and the main bright blue hue, it was a solid contender, but there was probably a different design that would coordinate better with our uniform…

"…-senpai?"

"Huh?" Both the boys had turned to me in an expectant manner, but I'd stopped listening several minutes ago. Hiroomi raised an eyebrow, and I was pretty sure Kanbara was muttering something like My pace again, but I put together the very few context clues I had and locked the pervert due in a deadpan stare. "If both of you keep going on arguing about which of your fetishes is better, you're not going to get anywhere with impressing someone who matches your tastes."

Kanbara screwed up his face. "Why is that your first response?!"

"You could stand to turn things down a little bit, Akkey," Hiroomi said with a straight face. I couldn't tell if that confidence in his own sister complex was admirable or just plain concerning. "But, we weren't talking about that, Sugiyama-san. Instead we were wondering what you thought about how our club anthology was proceeding. You were reading one of the volumes before we got set out for lunch period, I noticed."

"Well, considering how much reading I took on, I have to use every minute I can get." Never mind the fact that I'd dug that hole for myself and that I'd slowed down as of lately. Reading was at least better than getting too lost in thought. I shrugged. "We're honestly almost all the way through the works that we said we were going to read, so I guess I don't have anything to complain about on that front. Though I'm honestly not looking forward to having another big meeting about it." I was still exhausted over the last one, and I'd had more than enough time to recover.

Kanbara groaned. "Don't you go joining the no show squad, too, Senpai. After I've gotten used to having two bespectacled beauties around, I don't think that I can go back to just having one around."

"What are you planning to do when I graduate? I am a third-year after all." My position in the college prep course may have been at stake, but I knew I could at least finish the final hurdles of high school. Kanbara froze for a moment, like a computer processing an error, and only came back to his senses because he'd started choking on his sandwich.

"No, no, no! I won't allow it! Please just stay until I graduate; it's just one more year."

"Are you out of your mind?!" I didn't even want to start thinking about the hell my mother would rain down if I had to repeat a year, not to mention I had no intentions of spending more time in a high school classroom than necessary for any reason—let alone for Kanbara's stupid glasses fetish. "You better not go around saying stuff like that in front of Kuriyama-chan."

I may have been misremembering, but I was pretty sure Kanbara and Kuriyama blushed the exact same color of red. "What's Kuriyama-san have to do with anything?!"

You're not fooling anyone with a reaction like that.

"Akkey's reasons aside, I'd also like to request that you don't disappear from club on us." I gave Hiroomi a raised eyebrow, attempting to signal Because you think I'm going to hit some death flag or another?, but there was no way to tell if he interpreted it right. If it weren't for the fact that Kanbara absolutely seemed like the type to believe in supernatural nonsense, I would've asked outright, but I wasn't in the mood to have another bomb go off in my life. "I believe we've said so already, but we do appreciate your contributions to the anthology. Even with all the work we've gotten done lately, I wouldn't be surprised if the whole thing fell apart if you stepped out."

What was sad was that it wasn't just pointless flattery; I, too, could see all our hard work going up in flames without me to keep everyone in line. "Honestly. It'd probably take you guys all the way to next year to finish this up." Nase could have utilized her resources better, I was sure, but for whatever reason she'd decided not to. Probably so she wouldn't have to deal with Hiroomi's siscon nonsense in real time. "Who knows, you kohai could have still been working on this thing well into your third year, too."

"Yeah, no thanks," Kanbara said. Hopefully that would motivate him into staying focused these last few weeks. "Look, no offense to all the senpai who came before us, but there's only so much bad plots I can read before my brain fries. And that's not even getting into—"

"Well, at this rate, we'll be done before exams start," I said, stopping Kanbara before he could even begin to complain about the supposed average lack of glasses across the various anthology works. His last rant had almost gone on for a full half hour, and I surprisingly valued my time more than that. "Which is good, because I'm pretty sure third year math exams are brutal." Whatever time I wanted to imagine having for myself after the anthology project was done for would have to go into test prep—and being in the college prep course kind of implied that I'd be dealing with entrance exams after that. "Hey, Nase-kun, have you picked out what track you're headed on after graduation?" Unlike some other places, our high school didn't break up its students based on subject.

"Me? Well, I suppose you could say that, but probably not in the way that you're thinking," Hiroomi said, and I finished off my croissant, not needing to push his little lead-in along any further. He set aside his drink and gave that smile. "I'm planning on working to support my family business, so I'm planning on attending the university in the next town over so I can stay close to home. It's mostly to broaden my horizons than to help myself out in the job market or anything like that, though."

Ah, must be nice being so stupid rich, huh? I swallowed down my comment, though Hiroomi gave me an amused look as if he already knew what I was thinking—or maybe he was having some stupid fantasy about getting to stay close to his precious little sister while she finished off high school or whatever. "Huh, so there's still enough people around who believe enough in fortune telling that you can still run a family business off it?" Based on my own experience with his "ability," I didn't feel convinced enough to imagine it as sustainable, and another thought wormed its way to the forefront of my mind. "Actually, you're not the family heir, are you?" Nase was younger than him, and he'd only otherwise mentioned an older sister…

Hiroomi shook his head, making the tassels on his scarf sway. "While that might be true in some other families, we give that right to the firstborn, regardless of sex or gender. Izumi-nee-san's the one who will be in charge. I'm just continuing along because I enjoy it." Well, if you didn't have to try hard to be set for the rest of your life, why wouldn't you? Lucky. "What about you, Sugiyama-san? I presume you're going into the humanities. Do you plan to study just literature, or were you considering being a teacher?"

I snorted hard enough that I was glad I'd already finished off my drink. I was far less glad that Kanbara hadn't been as fortunate, and he almost dumped his soda on me, though we did avoid another incident like the one at my first so-called fortune telling session. "What in the world are you laughing about, Kanbara?"

"N-nothing," Kanbara said, trying to scoot away and just backing himself into the fence instead. "I know you're good at reading literature, Senpai, and those tips you gave to us really did help us focus on the anthology, and glasses do give that studious vibe, but thinking of you as a teacher is just…" His lips twitched in a suppressed snicker, and I hauled the most solid thing in my immediate reach (my empty coffee milk bottle) at him. It struck his forehead with a partially satisfying but still hollow thunk. "Gah! What was that for, Senpai?"

"You could stand to put a filter between your mouth and that brain of yours!" Sure, it was true that I didn't have the right disposition for a teacher, but that didn't mean that he had to go and say it out loud. I clicked my tongue and turned back to the one civil conversation partner available. "I don't think I'm cut out for teaching, Nase-kun. But you're right in that I want to follow more on the humanities track, since that's what I…"

What I love best.

What I want to do forever.

What I want to create—

"…I'm good at."

Not so much as even pausing to contemplate my hesitation, Hiroomi smiled. "Well, since it's what you want, Sugiyama-san, I'm sure you'll be successful."

Trying to chase away both the bitter taste forming in my mouth and the faint buzz of excitement in my chest, I raised an eyebrow. "Are you reading my fortune again?"

"No. But I know it's true, regardless."

d

The end of lunchtime rolled around, and then the end of the school day did as well, and we, the collected members of the Nagatsuki High Literary Club gathered in our respective club room and got to work. It turned out that, as a matter of fact, Nase wasn't dead, and Hiroomi almost broke down into tears upon the sight of her. I was, surprisingly, only partway disappointed.

"Did you end up going somewhere yesterday, Senpai?" Kuriyama asked while tending to her bonsai (the tradition before she got into official club business, I'd realized).

Nase hummed in affirmation, answering Kuriyama despite the many times that Hiroomi had asked the same thing already. "I was taking care of club business. Since it's probably unfair to make Sugiyama do the introduction with everything else she's doing, I went to talk with a senpai who graduated to see if he'd help us out."

A simultaneously felt a mix of relief and suspicion at the same time, though I only let the latter into my expression. "Is this some sort of trap?" I asked. "Let me guess; I'm responsible for hosting the next club weekend gathering?"

"Is that an offer?" I narrowed Nase in a glare, making it clear that, no, it wasn't, and she damn well knew it. Nase only shrugged, tucked away a stray lock of her hair, and adjusted her sucker to the opposite side of her mouth. "Just checking. Besides, like my perverted brother said before, you're carrying a lot of work for us. So I figured I'd give you a pass on writing the introduction and let another one of our hard-working senpai take care of it."

In other words, you just didn't want to do the job yourself so you figured out a way to foist it onto someone else. Amazing the lengths she would go to. After taking all the trouble to track down an alumnus and visit them while asking for help, I was pretty sure writing an anthology introduction would take less effort than all that, but to each their own, I supposed.

So long as I'm not stuck with the job.

"While I'm glad to see that you're putting so much effort into the club, I still would like to know when you decide to go out of town, Mitsuki-chan," Hiroomi said, still fussing like a mother hen or some nonsense. "I was worried about you, you know. I could hardly sleep last night!" And yet he still had the energy to make a big deal about the whole mess.

"Sounds like a personal problem," Nase said, flipping a page in the anthology laid out before her.

"Well, either way, it's a good thing that Mitsuki took care of it," Kanbara said, pulling out one of his Shiba-hime copies from his bag. "I don't have a problem with someone else taking on the intro for us. Dealing with sorting out all the stories we want is going to be bad enough."

I nodded my agreement. "Though it's kind of irresponsible to go and ask someone to write an introduction for an anthology that doesn't even have all the material selected for it yet." Sure, I was sure that an alumnus from our club could handle writing something broad enough to fill in the gaps, but I would have thought an order like that was a pain in the ass. Of course, I was also biased to high hell and back, so perhaps that was an unfair comparison.

Nase shrugged. "We'll have it taken care of soon enough. Even Akihito's almost through his whole par for reading. Besides, it's not like our senpai can't just type something up and email it to us. The age of technology is incredible." Too bad whenever she said it in that monotone voice of hers, it sounded pretty dull. "If you're so worried about things being taken care of, Sugiyama, I'm trusting the organization in your hands. Don't blow it."

Gee, thanks.

e

Somehow, the notion that an alumnus would be expecting to see a copy of our collected works soon sobered up our resident idiots for the day, and we managed to focus in on our reading in relative silence. Hiroomi and Kanbara both kept their nonsense comments to a minimum, and I found myself taking regular breaks to stretch as I finished a couple of anthologies I'd gotten through. Looking at our checklist, we really would be through the set by the weekend.

Tucking my bookmark into the anthology before me, I stretched my arms to try and get my shoulders back to a functioning state. "Hey, Kuriyama-chan, do we have any leftover sna—Kuriyama-chan?"

Kuriyama was trying (and not being very successful at) holding back her sniffles, and there were tears forming at the corner of her eyes. She was so absorbed in reading that she didn't even hear me call her name, and she turned the next page with a fresh sniffle.

Kanbara looked up at the sound, going from restrained indifference in his reading to a pure panic within a matter of milliseconds. "Kuriyama-san? What's wrong? A bespectacled beauty like you shouldn't ever have a reason to cry!"

Sighing, I pushed Kanbara out of the way, and he yelped as he started to slip off his chair. "Give her some space." Kanbara groaned, but I ignored him in favor of tapping Kuriyama on the shoulder. "Hey, are you okay?"

Kuriyama jolted, almost joining her senpai in slipping out of her chair, and she blinked back to reality as she realized everyone was looking at her. Even Nase was glancing out of the corner of her eye, while Hiroomi had fished up a box of tissues from one of her many cabinets. "Oh, sorry. I was just…" Kuriyama's gaze drifted back to the anthology laid out before her, which was undoubtedly the culprit. "The story was just so good, I…"

"I mean, yeah, I get that, but when you weren't answering us, we got kinda worried…"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to."

"Well, it's not like it's the first time you've gotten emotional over something you were reading, but this is the first time I've seen you react like that," Nase said, her tone somehow not as dry as usual. "I'd say even by your standards, that's kind of impressive, Kuriyama-san. What piece were you even reading?"

Her cheeks still flushed and a tissue pressed into her nose, Kuriyama jumped a bit when she realized she'd lost her place in the anthology she was flipping through. Kanbara hopped up to his feet, going for our backup anthology copies, muttering something about "Destroying a piece that made such a bespectacled beauty cry like that." After finishing tucking her used tissue away, Kuriyama flipped through the pages again until spreading it out for us all to see.

"It's this one."

The others had formed such a tight circle around Kuriyama that I almost couldn't make out the characters from my angle, but I saw enough to recognize it. Kanbara had started furiously flipping through the pages of the anthology he'd picked up. As his eyes scanned over the lines, though, his expression shifted from one of annoyance to the kind of contentment I usually caught on his face whenever he was reading something engaging—not like his utter joy at glasses, but an expression that made him (just barely) not look too much like a pervert.

"Dammit, this is actually pretty good…"

Kanbara sunk down into reading not long after—at least until Nase snatched his copy of the anthology for herself. Kanbara grumbled, but accepted another anthology from Hiroomi, who'd gone and snuck off before I realized it. Where even our normal reading focused times tended to have a bit of shuffling or occasional one-liner dropped into the room, everything was dead quiet as all four of my clubmates read things at their own pace, Kuriyama-chan having resumed from where we'd interrupted her.

The power of words was really something.

"Well, considering the quality of writing that usually gets Kuriyama-san to cry, I wasn't expecting much, but this is actually pretty good," Nase said, having regained every ounce of her usual unimpressed drawl. As such, her tone didn't match up with what she was saying, but it wasn't like she was being sarcastic, either. "I'm okay with going ahead and nominating this one to the final selection rounds."

"…I'll second that, even with a noticeable lack of glasses," Kanbara said, his tone somewhat sulking. Not that it changed the fact he had to make a discrete wipe at the corner of his eye.

Nase hummed around her latest sucker. "I'm fine with that, too. It's actually passable from everything we've put up with so far." That was enough to make it a majority vote, but Nase's red eyes flicked to me, anyways. "You've been reading everything, right? Does this pass your set of standards?"

If I were in my usual state of mind, I would have commented on how unordinary it was for Nase to even care about my opinion, let alone ask, but I just shrugged. "I actually haven't gotten to that issue, yet." That got me a pair of disbelieving looks from our first year duo. "What? I've had to read almost fifty of these things. That's one of the more recent issues, you know."

"Well, yeah, but…" Kanbara said, still sounding unconvinced.

"I'd say that Sugiyama-san's done more than enough," Hiroomi said. Though he'd gotten a book for himself, the anthology was already shut on the table. "She'll get to the recent issues when she gets the chance. It should be our focus on getting through what's necessary so we can take care of our job."

Nase pulled her sucker from her mouth with a pop. "Geeze, this perverted older brother of mine sure does talk big for someone who skipped club the first month and a half of the school year."

"Mitsuki, please stop using 'aniki,' I beg of you!"

It wasn't worth commenting on their usual verbal punching bag/siscon nonsense routine, so I just exhaled and worked on pulling my current anthology back towards me. Kuriyama also exhaled, but it was a different sort of sound—the satisfaction of finishing up reading something good. Her honey colored eyes caught my gaze before I could settle back into work, and she shifted a bit to better face me. "Do you want to read it, Senpai? I could lend you my copy if you want."

I shook my head. "Nah, don't worry about it. I still have a lot to get through. If I go ahead and start skipping around however I like, then I'll lose track of where I am." Kuriyama still looked like she wanted to pass me the book, so I reached out to ruffle her hair. "Come on. You don't have to check every little thing with me. I'm trusting your judgement on this one. I'm sure the piece is great."

With that little bit of praise, Kuriyama's expression lit up (though she did start patting down her hair the moment I pulled my hand back). Seriously, Kuriyama had to be an angel. Too bad for Kanbara that he had his nose buried deep in the story he was reading and was missing it. Ah, well, I'd just have to appreciate it for him.

Besides, if I could tease him for missing out later, I wouldn't have to think.

-2f

"Did you read this? This is amazing!"

"Yeah, I totally cried while I was looking over it. How'd you even do that?"

"Your style's so smooth, too. You've definitely improved since you were a first year."

"Senpai, will you help me work on my next story?"

"Oh, me, too, me, too!"

"You're praising me too much. I wouldn't be able to do this without the support of my precious club members."

"Don't be so modest."

"Yeah, that kind of attitude doesn't suit you at all."

"You should be proud of yourself—

"Kamiya-kun."

g

Thanks to the approaching summer, you totally couldn't tell that we were getting close to the time to leave the school. Though the regular club hours had already passed, somehow we'd all hung around a bit longer. It was like reading the story Kuriyama had found was inspiring enough to remind everyone why they'd even considered joining the Literary Club in the first place.

Days like these really are nice.

Though it had been a short amount of time, this club room already felt more comfortable. Whether it was chatting with Kuriyama, exchanging snark with Nase, or keeping our perverted duo in line, the room had become a sort of safe haven. Maybe, I considered, I'd finally be able to face down all the bullshit I'd been running away from for so long.

Maybe I can be honest—

"Oh, I didn't expect anyone to still be here. Lucky me."

The door to the club room had opened, letting a sixth person into our midst. Kuriyama and Kanbara let out their own small exclamations of surprise, and Nase looked up, not seeming ruffled in the slightest. Hiroomi's gaze slipped over to me—but I only half registered it in my shock. My chest constricted further than it had before, and the anthology I'd been reading slipped out of my hands, flipping itself shut on the table.

Same voice.

Same posture.

Same unfairly magnanimous smile—

His eyes fell on me, and his grin stretched out even further. "Well, well, Kazue. Long time no see."

Catharsis

ELEVENTH

Onii-chan

[Author's Notes]

Hey there, everyone! Hope you're all surviving this weird health crisis you've got going on. May this chapter be at least something that can help alleviate a bit of the stir craziness from being stuck inside. My main job is teaching, so I've gotten some unexpected free time in my schedule. I'm trying to have some more focus on writing and my other personal goals. I hope you're all safe!

Thanks go out to Miki (Guest), GlaresThatKill, amgs, kalmeaegi, gabyangel003, and Axkkx for the favorites, follows, and reviews! Every time I get an alert, it super boosts my mood! Here's hoping I can still be worthy of all your support as I continue to work on this fic.

This chapter has a lot of buildup to things I've been working my way towards in the background. I am vibrating both from anxiety and excitement over what's to come next. I hope you all enjoy it1

That said, other than aiming to update at least one of my fics each Saturday, I am no longer working on a set rotation schedule for chapters because my brain has latched onto some new (and somewhat annoying) writing approaches. That doesn't mean I'm abandoning this fic, just that it might take some time between updates (tho I do have plans to sit down and build up a buffer for this fic again soon). I hope you understand while I get into a battle with my productivity!

With that in mind, there isn't a current set date for the next update, but I have already started working on it. Chapter twelve has a lot going into it, so please look forward to it!

-Avi

[03.16.2020]