Catharsis

By: Aviantei

a

So what was I supposed to be doing with these feelings? This urge to be inspired and to create something out of it? I knew that it wasn't possible to be inspired by something forever, that there were days whenever it was insanely painful to even attempt to produce something, that you would just stare at the screen, and even attempting to touch the keyboard was a painful prospect. I knew that for a fact. You would have to force yourself to do something, or you wouldn't go anywhere.

But this. This was excruciating. I didn't want to produce something that didn't have any love in it. I wanted to be able to put my all into everything, every day, to never be able to stop, to always, always, always be letting the world see me at my best.

I was terribly optimistic back then.

b

I had never been so good at the whole "keep yourself organized" kind of life. Sure, I would be able to manage it if I was dealing with something important like schoolwork, but that was about it. Oh, and I could manage eating food before its expiration date, but that was because I either would buy instant food that could keep for a while or instantly devour anything that was fresh. I had been living in this place for a little over two years since I had moved there for my high school life, and yet there were still partially unpacked boxes sitting around, scattered on every surface.

I doubt my mother would have agreed, but it really wasn't that bad. There was a way you could safely navigate from one room to another, and it was possible to find things when you needed them. If a cluster got bad enough to be a fire hazard, I would clear it out, but that was about it. I hadn't killed myself and my landlord didn't give a damn about what I got into as long as I handed over the money at the end of the month. And, well, to be frank, there had been a reason I had moved away from my mother.

I really didn't have any need to keep up appearances, either. It wasn't like anyone was going to come over and visit me anyway. As long as I could find my clothes in the morning, continue to eat, and still pass school, none of that really seemed like it should matter.

Allow me to say this. I think that self-introductions are a terrible way to begin a story, especially if you're choosing to write in first-person. I've never wanted to be punched in the face with the type of person my narrator is, I want to discover it, to have enough subtle hints build up so in the end, I feel like I've actually gotten to know a person instead of a collection of words and unnecessary descriptors.

Not that I'm trying to pass this thing off as any semblance of a story. I don't even think it needs to be told. Why I'm bothering to talk to an audience that doesn't really exist is beyond me, as I don't intend for anyone to ever see it. I'll probably abandon this endeavor in a week or a month or even a year. I'll probably remove it from existence before I graduate and long before I die, or I'll be too lazy to do either. Even if someone discovers it, that won't matter either.

I could care less about the opinions of others. Maybe that's why I'm only able to make friends when I read or write about them.

When it comes down to it, this is the hopeless prattling of someone who doesn't expect attention or really want it. In that effect, I can say anything I want and it won't matter. Additionally, there's really no point in me saying anything, especially since it won't be read. Although, there's some truth in the fact that writing about things for no one's sake but your own can be a bit therapeutic, so I guess I won't stop so I'll already be in the habit in case something happens that will cause me to need to do that.

I guess you could call that pessimism, but I think practical works better. Both words exist in our language for a reason.

c

On this day, I hadn't been planning anything extraordinary. I generally don't. It's too early in the year to be considering applications to universities and entrance exams, although some of my classmates may say otherwise. For me, a lot of what I think makes life important is focusing more on the present than on something as uncertain as the future. It's not to say that I completely disregard the importance of thinking about what's ahead of you, but I still feel like you shouldn't obsess too much over it.

That being said, being in the advanced courses in our school had its advantages and disadvantages. The advantages, of course, were putting put through a curriculum that closely resembled the pressure of university, giving you valuable preparation and credits that would reflect well on your applications. On the downside, it still involved a lot of work, which seemed to eat up most of the free time that I had on hand for the sake of perfecting assignments.

I had never bothered with participating in clubs of any kind either. It hadn't been something that I had ever held an interest in, and once I had expressed as such, recruitment efforts had begun to strategically ignore me. That sort of thing had always been fine with me, which was why I had put the effort out there to avoid it.

Ishikawa-sensei, on the other hand, certainly had a different plan for my high school life than I did, and had let me know that from the start. His insistence for me to join the Literature Club had waned over the years, but had yet to disappear. Even though he hadn't taught any of my classes since first-year Japanese, he insisted on being a constant presence in my academic career.

And it's because of him that I had been given this particular experience today.

d

"You're Sugiyama-senpai, right?" the voice of someone I had no memory of asked. Sure enough, when I looked, I was face to face with some underclassmen that I had never encountered in my life. Before I could even tell him that I was, in fact, the person he was asking about, he was grinning at me. "Ah, you have to be. Ishikawa told me that you had upper-frame glasses. I usually prefer square frames myself, but the curve at the bottom of your lens has its charms, too. It matches your face type well…"

There were a number of things that I could have responded to in that statement, but I was a bit stuck. Not only was this underclassman rude, he was also talking about my glasses with what I could only call unhealthy knowledge and obsession. On top of that, he had mentioned Ishikawa-sensei, which could mean that this conversation had originally been intended to be about one thing.

"I'm not joining the Literature Club," I said without even needing to be asked. Immediately, the underclassman switched gears, his once enthusiastic expression verging on near panic.

"No, that's no good, Senpai! That's no good at all!" he protested. I recoiled a bit, knowing for sure we were attracting the attention of some of my classmates. The whole point of everything up until now had been to avoid attention, but the underclassman didn't give me room to interject. "A bespectacled beauty like yourself that enjoys books is wasting her disposition if you don't join the Literature Club! Just having you around, reading books as the sun sets through the window… it's just what we need in our club room!"

That was his logic, I kid you not. Not "you share a common interest, so join our club and give us numbers." Not "you know there's an anthology which could be your start for publication." It was "your presence will make a good visual addition to our club room." It was no wonder that Ishikawa had sent this kid after me instead of the usual attempts. The underclassman was in a league of his own.

"Just hold on, what sort of perverted fantasy life are you trying to drag me into?!" I hadn't even bothered to check the level of my voice, and ended up shouting back in response. I cleared my throat. "Listen, I don't know what sort of bet you lost, but you can tell Ishikawa that my answer is still no. I don't know why he thought a strategy like this would work, but you can go home now." All I wanted was to go home myself. Was that so bad?

I had hoped that would have been enough to send the underclassman packing. Unfortunately, he shook his head. "You have it wrong, Sugiyama-senpai," he said, voice deadly serious. "While it's true I was asked to try and recruit you, this has nothing to do with a bet. This is completely personal."

"Personal?" I couldn't even fathom what sort of motivation this kid had. "Don't tell me you have some sort of crush on me. I'm not interested in guys like you that have no appeal to them." It wasn't to say that he was bad looking for a second-year high school kid, but he just wasn't my type.

Of course, I didn't take the idea seriously. I was just spouting off the first thing that came to my mind, and that just so happened to be it. It wasn't like I hadn't ever received a confession before, but they were few and far between, especially in comparison to my other classmates. I wasn't really so arrogant as to think that could be the only reason for the underclassman's presence would be because he was attracted to me.

"Of course I do!" he retorted. I tried to find any traces of a joke on his face, but none existed. He was serious, or at the very least a good actor. "I have feelings for all girls in glasses! They're just perfect, no matter what! So when it comes down to it, collecting not one, but two bespectacled beauties for our club in the same year would be a grand achievement!"

I wondered if this had been Ishikawa's plan from the start, or if it just happened to be a happy coincidence. Sure, it was an effective one, but I wasn't sure if causing a spectacle was something he would be willing to put on his club's name just to get me in it. So, in other words…

This particular underclassman was a wild card.

I sighed. "Let's be realistic for a minute, shall we?" I proposed. "Even if you claim to want me around for my glasses, there are plenty of other girls with glasses in this school that I don't see you shaking down in the middle of their classrooms with confessions." He didn't even have the decency to look ashamed about it. In fact, he was almost smiling. The jerk. "So let's get to the real reason you want me to join your club and get this over with."

If he said something like That is the real reason! I would have smacked him. It almost looked like he was considering it for a moment, but took a deep breath instead. "We're working on a special project for the fiftieth release of the club anthology this year," he said. "We're trying our best at it, but we're not exactly the best group for something like this. Ishikawa-sensei said you have a good sense of literature and that we should try and ask for your help, Sugiyama-senpai."

His voice was almost sobering. I knew part of me should have been flattered by the compliment, but it just felt like they were really dumping the responsibility on me. Whatever this "special project" was, there was no guarantee that the rest of the club would even do anything once I joined on. I would be at the bottom of the totem pole, so to speak, and if they dumped all the work on me, I wouldn't be able to object.

"Of course, my initial reasoning still stands," the underclassman continued. He put a hand underneath his chin, nodding. "You really are something else, Senpai. All of those expressions of yours really emphasize the way the light reflects off your glasses at times. I bet if you used your glasses in some of your gestures more often, you'd be even more stunning!"

It was at this moment that my mind suddenly decided to become aware of the classmates around me again. Normally, by this time, everyone would have cleared out by now, either on their way home or to their club activities. Instead, I was certain that my entire class was still present, watching our exchange, and some students from other classes were, too. It was almost like the scenario had been pulled out from one of my nightmares.

I turned back to the underclassman. If he was aware of the growing crowd, then he really didn't care. Maybe he liked attention. Maybe he thought that it was worth it if I accepted his offer to join the club. I was at a turning point, and I really didn't think that I could get away with just turning him down and leaving the room with so many people clustering it.

"Fine, fine," I said. "I'll visit the club with you today, but that's it. I'm not promising that I'll join, I'll just look over your project and see if it's something that I'm interested in working on." I didn't intend to help, even if it did seem interesting enough. I had too much homework to manage putting together some anthology. "Does that work for you?"

The underclassman beamed and led me out of the room towards the club building. I blocked out the chatter of the students behind me.

e

"Alright, first things first, we need introductions," the underclassman said after we entered the room. "I'm Kanbara Akihito, second year member." Finally, I had a name to place with the entity that had been harassing me. Knowing his name didn't exactly improve my opinion of him.

"I'm Kuriyama Mirai, first year member," one of the girls sitting at the table announced. "It's nice to meet you, Senpai." She had a pair of glasses to distinguish her from the other female member, and I assumed that this had been the other 'bespectacled beauty' that Kanbara had been referring to. Aside from his fixation on glasses, it looked like he at least had a pretty solid taste in women, even if the girl did have a little bit of a stutter.

"Nase Mitsuki," the other girl said, and nothing else. She seemed to be completely zoned in on the work in front of her, and I didn't blame her. There had to be more interesting things to read about when you compared it to introductions with a not even probationary member of the club. I was able to steal a glance under the table, the tips of her indoor shoes letting me know that she was also a second year, making me the oldest in the room.

Kanbara was looking at me, obviously expecting an introduction. I sighed. "Sugiyama Kazue, third year student," I said. As expected, Nase said nothing while Kuriyama nodded enthusiastically.

"Oh, so you're Sugiyama-senpai!" the latter exclaimed, like she was surprised to realize it was me. Her cheeks started to glow a light color of pink, and she waved her hands in front of her. I wondered if Kanbara had even bothered to tell his club mates that he was attempting to recruit me today, but Nase didn't seem surprised by my presence. Maybe Kuriyama had been left out because she was the most junior member? "It's an honor to have you around, Senpai! I really hope that you can help us out with our anthology! Welcome to the club!"

Just what sort of things had Ishikawa been telling these kids about me? Judging by their words, they were looking up to me, thinking I was the best person to help out with their project. Even if a little bit of respect was to be given to upperclassmen, this level of response had to go beyond that. I added scolding Ishikawa for giving these kids an idealized impression of me to the list beside complain about Kanbara causing a scene.

"Let's make this clear that I'm not joining the club," I said. My voice came out harder than I intended, and Kuriyama's smile dropped. "I'm only here to look around and check out this project of yours. Maybe I'll join after that." It was a very slim maybe, but there was no need to bring that up. "Alright, Kanbara, let's get this over with. What's your 'special project'?"

The boy in question didn't say anything about the missing honorific from the end of his name, which I guess was lucky. I wasn't trying to be rude, but I didn't exactly feel like being polite to someone who had caused a scene that would have my name mixed into the rumors that followed. "To make it simple, this year's anthology is going to be a collection of the best works from all previous anthologies," Kanbara said.

Well, that certainly sounded simple enough. That made sense of the stack of paperback books sitting on the table and the note on the whiteboard that said Meetings for May: Read! It was a simple enough plan to have, and while it would be time consuming, it wasn't exactly anything ambitious. Here, I thought they were going to do something impressive, and this is what I got instead.

"So then what do you even need me for?" I said. "It's simple. You split up the reading and pick a set number of pieces each of you can select. Then everybody reads those, and you have discussions about the process of elimination. Sure, it's a lot of work for three people, and I'd probably make it go faster, but I don't think you exactly need me around to do that."

"Sugiyama-senpai's right," Nase added on. She had no reason to, but she had given me a bone to get out on. It was petty, but I decided that the black-haired girl was already my favorite. "If she's not going to care about it, then there's no point in forcing her to do it. As long as we can get that brother of mine to show up to meetings like he's supposed to, we won't need Senpai to waste her time."

It was helpful, but a bit harsh. She was basically saying that I was worthless if I didn't care about the project, which I found to be quite true. People inherently produced worse results when they lacked enthusiasm. It only made sense that Nase wouldn't want someone like me around, even if it would speed up the process.

"Even if that's true, that doesn't change the fact that she's the best person for the job," Kanbara said. He seemed adamant, and I stared him down as he looked at me. "Senpai, Ishikawa-sensei told me that you want to be a writer, right? In order to be good at that, you need to read a lot of other works and think about them critically. You have way more experience in defining good stories than the rest of us. We need you, or else we're just going to end up with a collection of stories we like that may not even be good." He clapped his hands together and lowered his head. "Please join us, Sugiyama-senpai! We need you for your experience and your glasses!"

Suddenly, Kuriyama stood up, her hands hitting against the table with a surprising amount of force for a girl that size. "Senpai's right, Senpai!" she exclaimed. Even though her sentence was really unclear in terms of construction, the girl didn't seem any less convinced of her point. "I mean… Minus the part about the glasses, Senpai's right!"

Sadly enough, that seemed to be all the corrections Kuriyama intended to make. She replicated Kanbara's stance, leaving me with two underclassmen offering their prayers to me. Nase seemed to be the only sane one, flipping a page in her book without a care. She seemed to give off a do-whatever-you-want-so-long-as-it-doesn't-effect-me vibe, and I envied her stoicness.

If only had the ability to keep my cool like that, this whole scenario wouldn't have happened. I couldn't even deny a request, no matter how much I wanted to.

I agreed to help. I didn't agree to join. As long as my name didn't somehow end up on a completed club application form, I wanted to believe that there was no way I would get dragged into this any further than I needed to.

f

"Just what sort of logic is this?!" I exclaimed. I was tempted to throw the copy of the anthology across the room, but I had a policy against harming books, even if they terribly deserved it. Besides, it was a club item, and since I wasn't a club member, I didn't have the right to abuse it. "This isn't a plot twist, it's complete dismissal of the rest of your established set up! You can't even manage world integrity, and your club mates let you publish this?!" I dropped the book on the table, letting gravity draw its cover shut. "I can't believe Kuriyama-san thought something like this was good enough…"

I assumed that part of me was supposed to feel bad about ripping on the work of someone who had been a young and stupid writer and probably didn't want their current character judged by their high school writing, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. There were just some things that were sloppy and you shouldn't let past a personal edit. In fact, I was angrier at the writer's club mates for not making him fix the issue in his plot.

It wasn't like I thought my writing was terribly superior, but I at least hoped I was better than this. I had woken up my neighbors once because I had decided to begin editing a piece, and ended up screaming at my computer in the process. Of course, I didn't think my opinion mattered more than my technically "senior" club mates, but there were just certain things I couldn't let slide.

"Ugh, and Kanbara hasn't even been trying, either. All the stories he picked out just happened to have glasses in them. In fact, a few of them actually involve rather negative opinions about glasses… If he's really so obsessed with the things, he never would have suggested these if he had actually read them." I ran a finger down the spines of books in the pile beside me, sighing. "If they weren't going to take it seriously, why did they even bother to attempt a special issue anyway?"

I was seriously beginning to regret my decision send each of them home with a few issues of the anthology each, requesting that they reviewed the works and selected a few pieces. For some reason, the Literary Club had a few copies of each of its anthologies, which was the only reason they had even dared to take them along. Then again, Kuriyama had been insisting on going shopping and Kanbara was talking about a part-time job, so maybe they wouldn't even get the chance to read their volumes before I could talk to them.

The only other person that had remained behind was Nase, and she hadn't said a word to me at all the entire time. She had been focusing on one of the anthologies, taking notes in a small notebook. I was glad that she was at least diligent about the whole thing, but I couldn't help but be a bit concerned about her level of literary prowess.

Except now she was looking straight at me.

"So," Nase said, "what are you going to do?"

Excuse me? The last I had checked, I didn't have an obligation to do anything for these people. I could walk out of the club room and never look back, return back to the life I had before. The only downside to that was that Kanbara might come and cause another scene, but that would be something I would have to live with. Even though her attitude was annoying me, I managed to keep my voice steady and asked, "Do about what?"

"Well, you were just complaining right now." Nase tucked a bookmark into the anthology and closed it. "Even from that short of an exposure, surely you can tell that neither of them has the proper aptitude to be called a 'Literary Club member.' I would like this anthology to come together, but I don't exactly have high hopes for that with their short-comings. You agreed to assist with this project." She tilted her head, looking me straight in the eyes. "So then, Sugiyama-senpai, what are you going to do?"

What was I going to do? I had made a plan off the top of my head when prompted earlier, but that didn't mean I could use it anymore. There was still plenty of time until the deadline, but Kuriyama and Kanbara still had a lot to learn before creating a successful anthology would become an achievable reality.

"I guess they need to be given some pointers on evaluating work," I said. Nase didn't break her gaze away from me. I gave a noncommittal shrug. "I mean, I don't think it would be too hard to set them on the right track if they had a checklist or something. And if they did pick anything atrocious, you would just eliminate it once you got into further discussions about pieces."

"I see." Nase stood up, placing her bag on the table. She loaded her volume of the anthology and her notes inside. "If you really don't want anything to do with this, you really should just leave. I'm sure that they wouldn't be too disappointed in you, Sugiyama-senpai. After all, talent without ambition is worthless."

It seemed that Ishikawa's words hadn't impressed Nase in the slightest. That was just fine by me, too. After being exposed to Kanbara and Kuriyama's admiration, it was nice to see that someone looked at me the right way.

"You're absolutely right," I said. Nase didn't look like she had expected me to agree with her, the girl's eyes widening for just a second before returning to normal. I smiled, just for the hope that it would make her feel uncomfortable. "To be honest, I can't tell you how I feel about this whole thing at all. I don't know if I wanna leave or stay yet, either. So, at least for the next week or so, I'll give it some thought and effort until I make a decision."

That was all I had to say about that. Nase didn't seem to have any objections, either. "Are you going to head home, or do you want to stay a bit longer and lock up when you leave?" she asked.

I stood up myself, stretching out. "Nah, I'll head out." I carelessly picked out a few of the anthologies to take home with me since their contents would need to be reevaluated. I had a light homework load for the evening, so it would give me something to do. Speaking of food, I would need to stop by the store and pick up some ingredients for dinner. "I'm guessing I'll see you tomorrow, Nase-san."

"Wait," Nase said when I turned to leave. I had been told when to come to Literary Club meetings so many times that I was sure I hadn't gotten the fact that there was another one tomorrow wrong. I turned back around, finding Nase holding out a note to me. "If you're going to be helping us, then this is important. Make sure you follow the instructions."

"Will do." I took the note. Not bothering to read it, I shoved it into my skirt's pocket. My stomach was starting to signal that it was hungry, so I decided to get a move on and left Nase to lock up the room on her own.

I was sure she could handle it. This was her club, after all.

g

So apparently the Literary Club had agreed at the beginning of the year that, in order to complete their anthology, it would be in their best interest to meet on weekends outside of school. Furthermore, they would be meeting at their homes, exchanging hospitality in the form of lunch. The next meeting was scheduled for this weekend and, according to the note in my hands, it was to be at my place. Even worse, I had already agreed to this arrangement, albeit unknowingly, but Nase didn't seem like the type of person to let me go on cluelessness.

I had been the one that had decided not to read the note, after all. I had no one to blame but myself.

I could have refused. I could have gone to Nase the next day and complained. But I really didn't want to do either of those things. By the time I did, Nase would have already calculated some counter-argument to my protests, or she would just leave it to Kuriyama and Kanbara to guilt-trip me again. Sure, that still didn't mean I couldn't try, but in all reality, it was easier to just clean my house.

I started with my room. I had a variety of books scattered about the floor, including manga, novels, and some of my school reference texts. There were papers everywhere, too, with graded tests and assignments almost creating a layer of life-sized hamster bedding. My clothes found their proper drawers and hangers, and I even bothered to fold up my futon. I found things in boxes that I had completely forgotten I had packed for my move. It was easier than I had thought to pull together, so I set out to make dinner and finish my homework before starting on the full-fledged endeavor.

I didn't get to everything, but I did manage to organize a few rooms and even clear out the hallway. By the end of the night, I was able to walk from the bath to my bedroom without any of the maneuvering I had grown accustomed to over the past few years. It was less of a hassle, that's for sure, but for some reason, it just didn't seem right, like no one could possibly live here if it was this easy to walk from one room to the next.

Catharsis

FIRST

Is it just me, or does this place seem really sterile?

(falls over after being sick and sleeping pretty much an entire day) I'm alive, I swear!

But, yeah. The brief explanation is that I had a hard time falling asleep one night and scribbled down a bunch of random nonsense I thought of. Then, I decided it might be nice challenge to make all this nonsense into a story, which you see before you.

I guess you could say this is semi-AU? I'm not quite sure how to describe it.

And this is my fiftieth story on fanfiction, say whaaaat?

In any case, I hope this is an enjoyable read.

The next chapter should be posted April 8.

NEXT: SECOND

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