Longest chapter yet (to make up for the wait). Be warned, this is darker than the other chapters (but still, I was sparing on the angst)

Chapter 12

Akashi pushed himself up from the bed, separating his body from the one lying underneath.

I didn't sit up. I just stared off into the vanilla ceiling, trying to gather my thoughts, but my mind remained blank like the cold walls surrounding us. I wanted to cry, but couldn't. Tears just couldn't express the way I felt.

"This is a betrayal." He paused, for whatever reason, I don't know. Perhaps he wanted me to defend myself and fill his hope that there was a reason, any for that matter, for my actions. But I just didn't have the heart, because even if I did search for something to say, it wouldn't carry any meaning without myself believing in it first. And right now, I didn't believe in anything. I was lost and had no right or ability, to worry about someone else.

What I needed, he couldn't give me. I know. I knew. It was his nature to demand this much of me, but I can't. Akashi needed me to be a certain way in his heart, and I would fight with my life to be that person. I've always wanted to be that person for him. That someone he needed, but now that I know the full responsibility that comes with the position, I'm so certain that I won't ever be able to be that person, no matter how much I wanted to in the past. I just couldn't—now that it is my turn to depend on someone.

I never worried before. I had all I needed. I was Yuukari Tooru, top student at Teikou, president of both the ikebana and tea ceremony club, vice president of Teikou's Go league, and proud daughter of the Tooru family… but I have nothing now.

Sometimes, reality strikes harder than anyone would ever expect. And I'm not strong enough to take the hard path. I needed someone to rely on. Someone to make me feel secure, confident, and strong enough to chase after what I believe in. But more importantly, right now I need money.

I looked into his innocent eyes. And for the first time, couldn't sense any warmth.

That was the moment when I knew…I was right to say nothing. I couldn't do this to him. I couldn't rely on Akashi for any of this. This was my problem, and mine alone. He didn't do anything to deserve for me to force anything on him. That was the moment when I too, gave up hope. So I kept my silence, not allowing my breaking heart or any other part of my aching body to make even the slightest sound, the slightest giveaway that I was helplessly insecure.

I knew I played my cards right. Akashi took my silence as what I intended he did. He spared me a final gaze. Even in the dim room I knew, the usual light in his eyes was completely masked by a newfound layer of disgust.

"Don't bother dropping by anymore." His voice was crisp. There was no emotion, no anger, no sorrow. Just indifference. This was hostility. I've known him long enough to know.

"What happened is between you and me. It's my choice, but that doesn't mean I can't see my friends." I fought to withhold welling tears and I finished the rest of my lines in a broken whisper. "I didn't intend for any of this to get between any of us."

"Can you still have the dignity to say that Yuukari?" He almost spat out, obviously struggling to contain his anger—something I recently learned to fear.

"This is separate. What I do with my own time is up to me!" I pleaded for him to try to understand what I was coping with. "What happens then shouldn't ever affect my life at school." I placed my hand on his arm for assurance. "And I really don't want this to affect how others see me…especially how you see me. Akashi, I -

"How do you expect this to not affect our relationship?" he barked. Finally unable to control himself anymore, he flung my hand away and dragged me roughly to the bathroom, holding me still while facing the large mirror. "Look at yourself Yuukari! How am I supposed to feel?!"

Staring back at me was a half dressed girl, wearing too much makeup, and a face that her late parents would definitely not recognize. A ghostly appearance lacking in all life, energy, and dignity. Even she didn't recognize herself. This was definitely not star student Yuukari of the Tooru family. This was absolutely not the girl Akashi Seijuurou and the majority of the Teikou student body respected and loved. This wasn't the girl I saw for the past seventeen years of my life. He was right—I'm no longer me.

"I'm just doing this to survive. If you can't accept it, that's your problem. If you're going to let this incident affect our relationship, so be it. But Akashi Seijuurou, you have no right to stop me from doing what I decide to do. I won't let you change my relationship with those around me just because you can't find a way to cope with your childish feelings and see past this."

If I came on a bit strong, he probably took it twice over. I wasn't oblivious to how sensitive he was when around me. I just hoped with all my heart that he had enough faith in me to look past my shortcomings. Guess I've been too much of a dreamer and expected too much.

"If the others were to find out, I would be very curious to see if you can maintain your level of trust among them."

"What? Are you going to tell everyone now?" My question didn't conjure up an answer. In fact, he didn't even bother considering my question.

"You don't understand the weight of your actions. I'm trying to help you see, but you're rejecting my every effort. And now you're attacking me with your words."

"Don't make it seem like you're the victim here. You don't have the slightest idea of what I'm feeling or going through right now. I know the full weight and responsibilities of what I'm choosing to do. And what I chose to do is a decision I've arrived at after weeks of consideration so don't you go telling me what I should and shouldn't do."

"You're blinded by your confusion and fueled by your desperation. You're not thinking straight."

"Don't act like you know everything."

"But I do."

Akashi never treated me this way, and it would've been enough to break me, break me into giving myself entirely to him, if not for the profound love I still held for him, the love that wouldn't die even if his ever did—the love that barred me from revealing my weaknesses, my vulnerability, my desperate unfulfilled needs. How much easier it would've been if I left myself in his hands, throw onto him all the suffering, distress, confusion that I've been haunted with for the past months. But I know, it wouldn't be fair to so selfishly rely on Akashi. I just couldn't do that to him. He was young, but had already experienced his share of hardships. I couldn't knowingly add to his load. I just couldn't.

It wasn't in his nature to drop his pride, and that made the parting so much quicker and easier. He abandoned the bag of cash on the chair and contemptuously tossed the hotel key card onto the floor.

I didn't move a muscle until he was completely out of sight. Only after the echo from the slam faded, did I dare to shield my eyes from the tormenting blankness of the room. My head spun and my heart ached. I didn't even want to breathe anymore. And I convinced myself that it would be better to just stop breathing. That would be better…and easier… I thought, as I wandered into the bathroom and began filling the tub.

I stepped in, not patient enough to stand aside as the water filled. It wasn't long until I was immersed with warm water. It felt strangely nice, so I laid my head back, reclining ever so slightly… this would be better…and easier…

"..ukari! Yuukari!" a girl's voice woke me from my short nap that even I didn't see coming.

I opened my eyes, bewildered by the sudden wakeup call. Turning towards the first person I saw, I was immediately sent into a state of blankness. He reached out and brushed the strand of hair blocking his view of me, completely aware and consciously ignoring the attention his little action was garnering.

"Yuukari."

Directly meeting the rare pair of heterochromatic eyes, I realized that I was back to the present. Sitting upright, I looked up to see curious eyes and I'm betting all of them were trying to snatch away some sort of gossip material by observing us so closely. Lowering my head in frustration didn't seem to block out the grins I knew each of them wore so smugly.

Akashi must've took note of that because with one glare, every other student that was hovered around him and crowding us returned to their seat without a word.

"You called me yesterday." He turned his head to look at me.

"Why are you here?" I asked back, candidly curious and alarmed by his domineering presence. I was obviously in my classroom so I had every right to not see him here. "This isn't your classroom."

"Lunch break," he answered curtly before throwing out the more important issue. "You called me yesterday."

"Did I?" I offered a soft smile. "I must've dialed the wrong number."

"Why didn't you call me back?" Akashi asked gently, much to my surprise. Not allowing me to dodge the question, he took the opportunity to face me completely.

"I said I dialed the wrong number," I said as I shifted my attention to the eavesdropping individuals surrounding us and then to the window.

"I called you though."

I expected some anger but only looked into Akashi's calm expression.

"I was asleep." He's never going to buy that, so I thought. I nearly choked when he responded with a calm "Okay."

The strange streak didn't end there. When I tried leaving the classroom on the excuse that I go buy something to eat, my little freshman continued to follow me, buying me more than I could possibly finish myself, knowing that I would invite him to join me. And when he finally planted himself across from me, I began to realize what he was up to.

"Do you have any questions for me?" he asked with a sly smirk.

Yeah. Why are you acting so nice all of a sudden?

"No, I don't."

"Then I have a few questions to ask you." There's the smirk again.

"Oh really? I really hope I have the answer to something the genius doesn't even know himself," I teased back unconsciously. I did that quite often back then, especially when he gives me that look, back before all the complications. But I guess old habits don't always fix themselves.

"Were you jealous yesterday?"

I can't believe he just asked that with such a straight face.

"And why would I be jealous?" Can't give him what he wants just yet. For all I know, he's probably just testing the waters.

"The reason—you should be very clear. I'm just curious whether you were or not?"

"Akashi Seijūrou. Please respect the fact that you're talking to your superior."

"Senior. Not superior," he corrected.

I rolled my eyes and stabbed my fork into my lunch but his uncomfortable stare forced me to not ignore him. Is it strange that I'm starting to love his eyes more and more? Lately— I didn't find this problem too eminent before— I get a little shy looking at him. Like when he catches me watching him, I immediately duck away or pretend that I just so happened to be looking in his direction rather than simply admit what I was doing.

And it really doesn't help when he looks at me that way. Back then, he had those round puppy eyes—each with different colors. He was like the "different" puppy in the litter. Okay. That was perhaps not the best example, but that was what really drew me in the first time. I let out a hearty laugh thinking back.

"What?" He leaned in closer, giving me an even clearer view of his possessive eyes.

I unconsciously lifted my finger to brush the tiny strand of red hair from his face, and I must've startled him with my smile, for he stayed frozen.

"Don't do this to anyone else—or else I'll be jealous."

I almost missed his whisper, but knowing him, he knew I heard just fine. Sometimes, I really can't tell if he is just teasing me or being territorial. He's been like this since as long as I could remember. But again, it was different this time. This time, I felt my heart race.

"I can't imagine you jealous," I responded. I wasn't being sarcastic, but I meant for that to be a joke.

But Akashi didn't ever seem to understand my jokes, this time wasn't an exception. He grabbed my wrist from across the table and pulled me out of the cafeteria. We were passing hallways and going up some stairs, making a few turns to places I didn't even know existed in our school. And again, there was this stupid and stubbornly present thumping of my heart against my chest that made it a bit hard to catch up to his long strides.

His lean shoulders were broader now, his limbs slightly longer, he was taller, without a doubt, and he had much more strength than meets the eye. I never thought once of stopping nor did I even consider protesting.

Somewhere on the fifth floor, he pulled me into a room. With a swift movement, he lifted me up and placed me on the cotton bed. We must be in the nurse's office.

He looked at me and I at him. I opened my mouth to speak, but closed it afterwards. Unlike him, I was still out of breath and panting heavily. I lowered my head in defeat, accidentally hinting his forehead in the process. I laughed as he winced a little, but didn't distance himself.

We stayed in the same position until the sounds of my pants slowly died away. Still, we remained still. I looked at his hands that never left mine.

"Why'd you bring me here?" I asked, surrendering another playful laugh.

"You can't imagine me jealous?" he breathed in a whisper.

I shook my head to tease him. This time he let out a low chuckle. I've always liked those small moments he let loose and put a smile on that stern face.

"Give recalling every moment I've been with you a try." There was an innocent smirk.

"Hey," I waited for him to give me his attention. "Why are you like this today?" He lifted an eyebrow, feigning confusion. "Really. Why?" I tightened my grip to show I was serious.

"When you didn't call back yesterday, it got me thinking. About a lot of things actually."

Knowing that he genuinely cared so much made me smile, but what he said afterwards caught me completely off guard.

"Give me a reason to call you every night."

As if my breath was stolen from me right then and there, I couldn't help but doubt what I heard. But after seeing his eyes—those calm, beautiful, determined eyes—I knew what I heard was real. My hand immediately reached out to stroke his stoic face. He didn't flinch, but simply closed his eyes, cutting off his piercing gaze that saw through every part of me—that accepted every inch of me. He was speaking to me, whispering to me in the most seductive voice, yet holding back and waiting for me to take the initiative.

There was this sudden surge in my body that compelled me to remove my hands from his and loop it around his neck. I was still sitting, so I brought him down to my height before closing my eyes and surprising both of us with a kiss.

And I'm not really sure what happened from there because all I was thinking of was him. All I heard was him. All I touched was him. All I felt was him. I felt his hand support my back as he laid me down onto the mattress beneath me. His chest was against mine as he stole another kiss, followed by another, and then another.

My head was spinning and my body felt hot. When I thought I could catch a breath, he'd just plant his lips back against mine, and the symptoms would continue to get worse. My heartbeat was rising and my arms and legs were going numb.

Akashi took advantage of that fact and pinned me down effortlessly with one hand as the other unbuttoned my shirt. A cool breeze brushed across my chest, temporarily alleviating the burning I felt all over, but that didn't last for long. In a matter of seconds, the uncomfortable heat returned and was spreading the moment he ran his hand up along my leg. But when he began tugging something, I stiffened.

"Afraid?"

I shook my head.

"Then why are you shaking?"

I wasn't shaking. Or maybe I was. Honestly, I wasn't sure about anything really at the moment. So I shook my head and and brought him in for another kiss which he didn't seem to resist. Perhaps the only thing I knew for sure was that I liked it when his lips were on mine. They weren't delicate, but they felt so gentle yet fierce at the same time. I think my mind was going numb too, nonetheless, it didn't matter because this time was different.

This time is different.

I started it this time. I shouldn't keep him waiting. I slowly reached into my skirt, but his hand caught mine before I could finish the job. Instead of taking over like I was expecting, he simply intertwined our fingers. My expression must've given my startle away, but I doubt he needed that to pick up on what I was feeling the entire time.

"Trust me like you mean it." He sat up and pulled me upright. With a swift motion, he threw his blazer over my shoulders as I continued to stay unmoving. "I waited this long," he said as he tapped his forehead against mine, "I can wait a little longer."

Without a thought, I placed my right hand firmly on his chest and pushed him away. Distance is good. With distance, I had room to breathe and pump oxygen into my brain so I could think again.

When did this guy learn to make my heart flutter like this?

"Don't get me wrong," he said casually as he placed his hand over mine, with obvious intentions of drilling the rhythm of his heartbeat into my head. "That doesn't mean I'm okay with this distance." Akashi eyed my perhaps over reaction (he did already say he'd wait). "I think we're well past that."

There was no denying he was right. I had to strain my arm to muster the will to push him away. If he got mad and pinned me down again, I probably wouldn't retaliate. I think some part of me would actually enjoy that. And here I was, fighting against his every attempt. I really am terrible, aren't I? I started it because somewhere in me wanted it, and when I reject it, something in me would hope he'd do something about it. Why can't I make up my mind?

"Akashi, I'm so…sor…sorry," I stuttered as I tried to piece out what I wanted to say, but nothing came out after that.

Why am I like this? I let a tear slide down my cheek as I looked away. If I keep on acting this way, you'd leave me eventually. I don't want you to leave, but when you come to close, my heart races and my muscles tense up. I want you to hold me, but I can't help but tremble when you do. It makes me happy when you ask if I'm alright, but it hurts me to see the concern in your eyes. I don't want you to worry, but I can't help from making you do just that. Why am I like this?

Droplets of tears began staining the mattress beneath me. I watched as one drop became two and two became four and… all the while not dare looking up. Why can't I stop these tears like I did back then? I must be awful, making him watch me.

A gentle hand wrapped around me as it brought me closer. I didn't reject the intention and leaned my head against his shoulders.

"I d…don't know why I…I…I'm not scared, but I…I …I," my voice cracked, but I wanted to at least say something. "I want it, but…but…"

Akashi's arms wrapped around me tighter as he hushed me. I didn't say anything more since it wouldn't have made sense anyway so I finally dropped it. When he noticed I was calming down, he nudged me to lean my full weight against him. I didn't fight that either.

We stayed like that until my breathing evened out and only then did Akashi shift a little into a more comfortable position. I felt him lean down to kiss my exposed neck, but he kept it brief, unlike the passionate kisses we had earlier. He then rested his head against mine and closed his eyes.

I would've believed that he fell asleep if not for the small crease between his eyebrows. He was thinking.

So I gave him a few seconds which turned into minutes. It didn't seem like he was going to wake any time soon so I decided to shift into another position when I felt his dominant arm restrain me from doing so. I obediently sat back down and looked up at him.

"Akashi…"

"Do you remember our time in Teikou?"

I nodded.

"How about what we did in the lockers?"

There was no need to think too hard to remember. I couldn't wash away the memory even if I tried so the best I could do was pretend it was just another memory so I nodded.

"I must've scared you back then," he sounded a bit apologetic. "I won't do that again." Akashi gave me an out-of-character kiss on my temple before closing his eyes once more.

"Did you hate me that much?" I'd always wanted to ask you.

"You hurt me, so I wanted to teach you." Right. He always had to prove his point, one way or another. "And I hurt you, but I never hated you."

"Never?"

"Not one second," he whispered as he leaned closer to my ear. "I decided I was going to love you from the day we met."

"At the funeral?" I asked jokingly as I wiped my tears on his blazer. He looked at me in feigned disgust, but immediately changed into a softer expression.

"Yeah. At the funeral when you were crying just like this."

"Why?" I sat up and waited for his answer.

"It was my mother's funeral. Instead of crying for her, you cried for me." He paused and there was a beautiful flicker returned to his eyes. "From that day on, I didn't want you to cry. But if you did, it would only be for me."

Akashi gave a sly grin when he heard my tiny gasp. "We're late for class." Class. My face immediately flushed red. We were still in school. What were we doing in the nurse's office? I sighed and got comforted with a pat on the head as we walked to the door.

….

"And about what I said earlier," Akashi waited until he was out the door before finishing with, "that's just formality."

Yuukari was confused, but he didn't seem to mind. She'd understand very soon.

A/N: We're moving somewhere! Anyways, thank you everyone for your support and kind words. Your reviews and feedback are the cause of this chapter. :P