Chapter Thirty-Two: Make-Up Sex

"it was very important business. Negotiations for a cease-fire between warring parties."

David rolled his eyes. "You could just say makeup sex."

― Dianne Sylvan, Of Shadow Born

"In a perfect world, you could fuck people without giving them a piece of your heart. And every glittering kiss and every touch of flesh is another shard of heart you'll never see again."

― Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things: Short Fictions and Wonders

"If love is a battlefield, makeup sex is the best part of the ceasefire."

― Jillian Stone, The Do It List

"What do you want to do?" Vito asks me as I sit at the head of the table. It feels like I've been in this situation before. It feels like there might have been a time where I sat at the head of the table while consulting my closest advisors. The only thing now is that I have to see how to avoid a war instead of starting one.

"I don't want to start a war. We won't be able to handle it. How are we going to avoid all-out war?" I ask exasperatedly.

I rub my eyes with my kimono sleeve for what feels like the millionth time today. It has been four days since Ritsu and I spoke but I have shut him out for the most part—apart from the plethora of voicemails and unanswered texts. I can't handle having him beg me to talk to him. I can't handle it. I can't handle wondering what I should do and at the same time, looking at the boy and seeing his betrayal. I still have yet to truly forgive him and I feel this sick feeling each time I think about the word 'Onoda'.

"You should do what I tell you first," Vito says quickly, interrupting my Japanese.

"I am not going to do it," I argue with the man. My gang looks at me curiously as they listen in English. The can't speak well in English but they understand me.

"You have to go to the other Don," Vito scolds me, as if I'm not the one who has been boss for years. I have been boss for twice as long as Vito and here he is giving me the correct answer. I should talk to Kasanoda. I have to see what he suggests because at this moment, we're going to go into war together. Maybe he isn't going to allow Ritsu to stay in the gang and start the war to stay with me.

"You know it isn't a bad idea. Getting the opinion of someone who has been-"

I give Hana a dirty look and the woman shuts her mouth, my anger at my gangs still brimming below the surface of my countenance. I know it's what I should do. I know that Kasanoda could help us. I know that I don't have to fix this all by myself. I know this but I know that isn't what I'm going to do, at least for right now. For right now, I am going to avoid my boyfriend at all costs even though I know this is detrimental to our relationship and I am going to shut myself in with a bunch of annoyed gangsters who know I'm letting my life go down the drain.

"I don't want to," I mumble. The minute I go to Kasanoda is the minute I admit that I need help to run my own gang and to fix my own problems. Even if those problems were caused by Ritsu's stupidity, he's still my boyfriend and my problem. God, I sometimes wish that I could hate Ritsu but the fact is that I can't. He's still one of the best things that has happened to me. I will still protect the damn boy from here to the bottom of hell because I just so happen to love him unconditionally.

"Susan, the host club is at the gates," Fu tells me as he looks at his phone. I give the man an exasperated expression as I try to decide if I want my men to let the hookers in. God I can't deal with them right now. But a decision isn't made because as I open my mouth to give one, the host club is bursting through the front door. They argue with each other before they meet my eyes, under which circumstances they run straight into me.

"Su-chan! Why don't you answer your phone?" Honey moans as he grabs my waist. I hold the boy against me even if his touch fuels my nerves. Then the boy stops his squeezing and looks up with a confused expression. "You're thinner."

"Honey-senpai, that's not very nice," Haruhi chides but her face examines mine with concern. The whole lot of them actually stands with suspicion as I waver gently.

"I got a little sick. Nothing to worry about," I reassure them as my blood rushes to my cheeks. The beat of my heart pounds within my ears and Honey lets go of me. He looks to his cousin and surprisingly Kyoya is the one who comes closer to me, his face a blank mask.

"How did you get sick?" he asks sharply, his voice hoarse with a mix of anger and fear.

"It's nothing Kyoya," I lie and the boy comes closer to me. My entire gang jolts from their chairs as the boy stands so close I can feel his breath on my nose. His dark eyes flick back and forth as he takes in my hollower cheeks and the bags under my eyes. His hand goes out while his fingers brush my bangs back. I merely try to calm my beating heart as Kyoya takes a deep breath.

"We were going to go out but you look tired. Do you want us to stay?" he whispers and I can feel my face turn hot as the boy grabs my right hand.

I don't pull away from him because I like the feeling of his cool touch. For a moment I want to smile due to the butterflies in my stomach but I look more closely at the hope in his eyes. What am I doing? I'm leading him on. I can't be doing this. My mind screams to rip my hand back when all I want to do is hold onto Kyoya and cry. And when I'm ripping my hand back, the worst possible thing that could happen, does happen to me.

"Susan, hey I know you don't want to talk to me—"

A voice trails off and I recognize it. Immediately I know I should let go fully because Ritsu is going to get the wrong idea, my hand half in Kyoya's hand and halted by surprise but don't make the actual decision because Ritsu is pulling Kyoya back from my hold, the cool hand gone somehow too soon but not soon enough. I want to just have a moment. I haven't prepared for this at all and I just want to close my eyes and have everyone disappear.

And I'm closing them when my eyes finally catch sight of Ritsu's half bruised enraged face. For a moment I want to be scared because his look is one of death, yet I watch the boy glance at me, the hurt in his eyes, me knowing I'm the one who caused this, and I go into some animalistic need to soothe him. Mori has grabbed Kyoya back from my redhead as Kou grabs the offender. Ritsu's eyes go back to Kyoya and the glare pierces the room like a lightning bolt, oh so deadly and something caused by the gods.

"Ritsu," I hiss the name like there is a bad taste on my tongue. The redhead lunges at Kyoya and I'm soon between the two of them. Ritsu's hand is pushing my shoulder to get through me but Kou pulls it back before I watch him raise a hand to gut punch my boyfriend. My blood runs fast through my body and it feels like I'm catching the fist in lightning speed, my breath rising and falling with a ferocity that is unyielding like thunder.

"Susan," Kyoya says my name like it's an ode of joy and I clench my teeth harder. I flick my eyes over my shoulder to see the brunette looking at us with wide eyes, his pupils larger than I've seen them because of the fear. The look on my face must not be welcoming because Kyoya shies away from me and I turn back to Ritsu who is now staring at me from the inches were are separated by. The light brown eyes want to intimidate me into letting him do what he wants but the boy knows better than that.

"Why is he here?" Ritsu settles with as I finally release Kou's fist from my clenched hand. My gang and the host club have stiffened with the tone of jealousy, the murderous intent seeping in through every pore in our bodies. I drink in the hate and give Ritsu a hard look. I will not yield to him.

"Why are you here?" I bite off and know that I shouldn't have said the words.

Ritsu's face contorts into what it would have been if Kou had actually been able to punch him. The hard scowl falters and the helplessness peeks through as Ritsu stands straighter, back having been curled to bend closer to protect me. My throat chokes as I feel my heartbeat stutter with uncertainty. I open my mouth to tell Ritsu something true—that the host club just showed up, that Kyoya and I weren't doing anything, that I would never do something to hurt him, that I love him—but the shithead doesn't let me do anything because he decides to storm off, wide steps stomping through the house, and slamming the front door behind his glamorous exit.

"Susan-sama, what do you want us to do?" Aiko asks in the heartbeat after the pounding ring of Ritsu's exit. I breathe in deeply while the tremor of anger passes but leaves my body cold. I can't let him go. I can't leave him like this.

"Stay here," I command strongly despite my trembling hands. I force my legs to move under my black kimono, the outfit somehow foreshadowing some terrible times to come. I open the portal to the outside world and find that Ritsu has made it halfway down the path. Taking a deep breath, my legs start the longer strides to him and I raise my voice over the boy's angry breaths. "Ritsu, stop. Come here so I can talk to you. Stop, please."

"So you can do what?" Ritsu breaks, his back to me and his hands clenched into fists.

He looks like he's broken. His mind is probably jumping to a million things that couldn't be more wrong. My bare feet slow as I am five feet away from the boy. I watch as he shakes so hard and know that he's holding in so many emotions. He isn't the kind of person that can. I'm that person. He's the person who wears his heart on his sleeve and his reactions on his face for the world to see. He's the part of me that is honest and I'm the part of him that's strong enough to hide everything.

"So I can talk to you," I reply, trying to avoid the word explain. There's nothing to explain right now because I don't know what he's going to say. Ritsu sways a bit before he takes a step, my own foot mimicking his movement. I don't want him to walk away from me. I don't want to leave him like this.

"You haven't wanted to talk for days. Why don't you answer your phone? I was worried you were sick again," he replies and the voice is small, scared, something filled with inhuman agony. I walk closer to him and put my hand lightly on his shoulder, the tense muscles immediately relaxing with my touch. My own chest grows warm with the reminder that he likes the small show of affection. We haven't had much of this since I left and he yearns for it just like how the skip in my heart yearns to see his smile.

"I'm sorry. I should have answered. It's just hard," I whisper, trying to keep my voice even. Ritsu leans back towards me as he turns around. His arms immediately are around me and I hold him back so I can just feel his warmth. The boy is warm but my body gets warmer as he kisses my temple like he so often does. It's my favorite thing he does when he hugs me, a reminder that he doesn't want to let me go because he loves me.

"You have to answer. I was just really worried," he tells me after an exasperated sigh. I squeeze him back before I let go of him, the words that he spoke finally hitting me like a command. I step back for a second and he looks down at me with a frown. "You can't not answer."

"I said I was sorry. I just, I don't want to argue," I say simplistically but the tone of my voice is itching for a fight. Ritsu takes the words in stride, face becoming angry. There went that hurt we had a moment ago because now he thinks I'm being hard-headed.

"Why are they here? They can come but you won't even return my texts?"

"They just showed up."

"That doesn't explain you not answering."

"I don't have to text you back. I don't have to do anything anyone tells me to do. I want some space and some time."

"I'm worried Susan. I know you might not care but I need to know that you aren't sick. I'll give you all the space in the world if I know that you aren't fucking dying."

"Ritsu," I hiss, our voices rising over the courtyard and men in the gang escaping while they can. The boy is puffing his chest out as his arms are crossed over his chest, as if this isn't an arguable point. My blood boils with the thought of him telling me what to do like this and I can't hold back. "I need time because I need to learn to trust you again. So I'm sorry if your feelings are getting hurt because I'm trying to fix everything that is a mess because you didn't tell me the truth when you had the chance!"

"I've apologized about that. Don't try to say you aren't doing this to get back at me," he yells in return, nostrils flaring.

"Doing what to get back at you?" I scream and Ritsu's arm juts out as he points toward the house. Oh, the host club. He thinks I'm using Kyoya to get back at him. "I'm not that petty. If you think I would do something like get a boy to make you jealous, then I don't know who you think I am. You're the one who fucked up and I'm just trying to move on."

"Without me? You're moving on without me. I'm supposed to be there for you, not him."

"And he wouldn't need to be here if you weren't the one who lied to me for months," I wave my hands erratically as Ritsu comes closer to me. I can see the stitches still above his eyebrow and the vision of him bleeding and bruised makes my gut twist. Then Ritsu's brows dip farther down in anger and I know he's going to say something stupid. He opens his mouth and I prepare myself for the worst.

"I don't want you to see him," he booms and I bite my lip. Ritsu takes this as an affirmative to go on with his orders than a way to hold myself back from cursing the boy out right here and now. "I don't want him touching you and I don't want him around the syndicate. He is no good and he's lied to you too, I'm sure of it."

My breath hitches for a moment and I close my eyes as I process Ritsu's angry words. Of course Kyoya has lied to me. I know he's just here to get information and I know that I shouldn't see him. Kyoya isn't the person that I should be leaning on for support but I'm too stubborn to admit that I want Ritsu to be here. I'm too stubborn to let go of the fact that Ritsu wanted to stay with me as long as possible, that's why he lied. Ritsu thinks he's always doing the right thing but he just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that he can't tell me what to do and that he can't lie to me.

"You can't just order me around. You just think you're doing the right thing and that you can tell me to do things before you've even discussed it with me. You're like a child. You can't just decide what is best for me. I'm not a toy; I'm not a possession. I'm your girlfriend and I love you, but you can't keep doing this," I whisper with my eyes still closed.

I can't take seeing the expression. I can't do this. I knew I couldn't talk to him when he's like this. I knew we would just argue and I'm not ready. Can't I just not be ready? As stupid and as moody as I am, can I just drag myself from the darkness before I have to pull him through the light with me? I just want to sleep and not have nightmares. I just want to not think about any of this. I want to be how we were.

"Then have your space," Ritsu says curtly and then I hear his steps walk away. My heart shatters as the pain enters my chest, sharp and blinding and consuming. He's really leaving. It's what I wanted but I don't really know if I wanted this. I don't know what I want. Please, come back because I don't know what I want.

I open my eyes too late and the boy is gone just like how I wanted. It's what I wanted but now the tears run down my cheeks and no air enters my lungs as I take shuddering draws of oxygen into my lungs. My lip trembles and I put my hand to my mouth to keep myself from falling apart completely. I can't do this right now. I have guests and I can't do this right now. My hand goes higher than my shaking lips and wipe at my eyes as I turn back around.

"Su-chan, are you alright?" Honey calls out to me from the front door. I wipe harder at the evidence of my fight as the boy runs to me. I catch him and hold him tight because I need to feel someone right now. I need to hold him. The third year tenderly holds me back and I breath him in, the familiar scent of his designer body wash filling nose with smells of lavender and sage.

"I'll be fine. Let's see what we can do," I tell him as Haruhi runs to me. Her brown eyes seem to pity me but I give a small smile, grateful that she's even here. Her pink dress sways with the motion of her tilting her head and giving me a bright smile.

"Senpai, they say you have a piano," Haruhi tells me and I nod as we begin the trek back to the house. She wants to get me to forget everything that just happened. She knows I need them and she's going to help me through this. The younger girl has a bounce to her step and I squeeze the boy in my arms lightly as Honey begins to smooth my hair down. Haruhi goes on with the conversation and I suck in my nose. "Can we hear you play? If you don't want to, Tamaki knows how to play."

"Yah that's fine," I reply as we enter the house. The rest of the host club is perched at the window in the dining room and I cough to let them know we've entered. They all blanch at getting caught red-handed watching my lover's quarrel. I smile at them and their designer jeans with sweater vests and designer hoodies—Tamaki, Kyoya and Honey in sweater vests and Mori and the twins in hoodies. Motioning my head towards the hall, I lead the way to the studio, my own gang members in formal clothing following behind them silently.

When we get to the room, Hana immediately makes eye contact with me as she gauges my emotions. I give her a fake smile as I mask everything under my gangster mode and my oddly satisfying need to be with the host club. I can feel my stomach turn with the thought of playing in front of them but I am not nervous with them anymore. I'm too emotionally tired to really feel it.

"You play piano Susan?" the Hitachiin twins ask me as I place Honey on the ground. Tamaki is already going towards the piano and I watch as he sits gently on the bench. The twins nervously sway as I give a small smile and nod ever so gently, looking back at the piano in desire. The black Yamaha glistens as the sunny summer rays flow in through the glass doors.

The studio is one of those rooms which looks out onto the rose garden, memorial stone shining just like the piano. Personally I love this room and I lean against one of the crème walls as Tamaki's hands go to the ivory keys. For a moment I want to look over and see Ritsu standing next to me, violin in his hands, patiently waiting for our turn. My chest compresses within itself as I wish for the boy to nervously look at me and whisper in my ear that we'll be fine even though I should be saying the same to him.

"Susan-sama," Hana interrupts my thoughts and I quickly wipe my eyes from tears misting my blank mask. The small woman reaches out to me, grabbing my hand in hers, something that hasn't been done in a while. Hana and Haru would have known immediately who Ritsu was and I hold them doubly accountable for their lie. The woman has tried to get me to see her for how sorry she is but I have refused to have her with me.

"I'm sorry," I whisper as Tamaki begins to play. Hana barely catches the words but I know she does because she brings my hand to her lips, kissing it and then bowing to me gently. I have to stop holding these grudges. I need my gang. I need Kou and Fu. I need them all. As my lungs burn with the exertion of me keeping in the tears, I know that I need Ritsu. But he just walked away because I told him he should and I regret the decision.

Tamaki begins to play, a piece that is slow and is strong, everything that I am not. My gang stands against the wall as the host club gathers around the piano, staring with smiles at their counterpart. It feels like I'm not anywhere involved in their emotions but I am just a part of them as that piano under the blonde's fingertips.

"Susan can you play for us?" Kou asks me as he inches closer. The boy has his arm in a cast but the bruising has disappeared completely. His tongue now only remains with the pink of new flesh down the length where it has healed and he has gained a sort of lisp with certain words.

I look at the boy as his eyes are as big as saucers, the excitement of hearing me play since I got sick running rampant behind the orbs. He knows that I don't necessarily want to play in front of everyone but he also knows that he has to make me forget about what happened with Ritsu. The gang is trying their best to have me be my best and I keep pushing them away. The small voice in the back of my head tells me to stop this self-pity and to let them back in despite the pain.

"Maybe for a bit," I whisper back to Kou as he hugs my waist from the side. The boy places his head on my shoulder as he gazes to the pianist. Tamaki is moving his fingers rapidly as he transitions to a new piece, body rocking back in forth. He feels the music. It runs through him like a steady stream, like some kind of life giving substance.

"Are you okay?" Kou whispers in my ear. Kyoya is on his other side, no doubt listening to what my answer will be. I bite my lip as the newly etched memory of Ritsu's saddened eyes flashes before my eyes, the phantom of the boy in front of me. I wipe my eyes as the specter disappears.

"You know me," I reply with a false smile. Kou can see the lie I'm feeding him but he holds me closer. The smile turns genuine with his silence and the kiss he gives on my cheek. I lean into the boy a bit before I start crying with the thought Ritsu won't come back to me. Maybe I really did chase the boy away.

"Susan can you play?" comes a happy voice and in my sadness Tamaki has stopped playing. The blonde motions me over to the piano and step forward. The boy stands and pulls me by the arm to sit on the bench. He sits me down by pushing my shoulders and then stands right behind me.

"What do you want me to play?" I ask softly as my hand touches an ebony key.

Tamaki goes to the pile of books next to the leg of the piano. He pulls out Tchaikovsky and opens the book. He gives it to me with the theme from the finale in the second act. On the opposite page is a piece Ritsu and I was looking at some time ago. That piece has a part for both piano and flute and we were going to play it for the kids next week when we went back to school.

"Do you think you can do this?"

I nod to the blonde boy and he stands in place to flip the pages for me. Swallowing hard, I place the book on its resting place, the spine so worn from when Ritsu stood next to me and practiced. My heart beats rapidly and I feel almost lightheaded as my lip trembles. Ritsu should be here. He should be here to play with me and then say I did well and stop me when I've had enough. Instead I chased him away from me and now he no doubt hates me.

"You don't have to if you don't feel comfortable," a voice interrupts my thoughts. I look back to see Kyoya unsure of what to do. But I make a small smile as my hands find themselves on the keys, turning my eyes back to the notes on the page.

I breathe in deeply and the air comes into shuddering lungs. It has been years since I performed, years since I anyone my age has heard me play besides Kou and Ritsu. But these people are my friends and I can let them in. I can let them hear me play at least something. Staring at the notes they begin to shake and the oxygen stops completely while I choke. Don't cry. The tears are threatening to fold over and I shake as grip the wood of the bench below.

"Susan you don't have to play," Haruhi says suddenly as she stands me up. Tamaki pulls me away from the piano with her before my panic attack can actual start. They hand me off to Kou and I attempt to keep what little composure that I possess. Tamaki makes eye contact with me, frightened crystal blue eyes wondering what he can do. I gulp the air for dear life and Kou holds me closer, pulling my face into his chest.

"Play something soothing if you could," Kou whispers to Tamaki and I hear the movements of someone going to the piano. Music fills the air a moment later and I breathe in Kou's familiar scent. The boy transfers me to someone and I can smell the expensive cologne that must be Kyoya. The brunette smooths my hair down and my heart begins to even out. Focusing on the music helps and soon enough, we're back to how we were minutes before I tried to do something that I shouldn't have attempted.

"You tried and that's enough for us. You're enough for us," the boy murmurs softly into my ear. Kyoya presses his cool lips against my ear and I just bury my head deeper into his sweater. My gang around me comes closer and I can feel the longer nails of Hana on my head, brushing my hair down.

Then the music turns into something a little less soothing and more elaborate. Tamaki is playing a waltz and I step away from Kyoya, my eyes cloudy from what tears have crowded my eyes. The blonde is smiling at Haruhi who stand next to the piano, watching his hands in wonder. Their backs are to me but I can see that they fit so well together. There is something about the way Tamaki looks at Haruhi like she's the most interesting thing in the room, needing your full of attention to catch every miraculous detail; there is also the fact that Haruhi leans towards the boy unconsciously, as if she wants to be closer to him and hasn't discovered the need yet.

Just when I think I'm going to comment on the fact that Tamaki is playing the wrong chord due to Haruhi's doe eyes, Kyoya slips his hand in mine. He rounds his way into my vision and then smiles a soft smile I have never seen before. I return the smile only because it comes naturally, my face warming under his gaze. Then the boy does something I didn't expect, he holds me in his arms and starts to make us sway.

"Seriously?" I ask jokingly as my heart starts to beat hard, uncomfortably so even. Kyoya only gives a short laugh and puts his right hand on my waist.

"Absolutely," he replies as he pulls me to start us dancing.

I bite my lip and go with him, following the movements with a slow pace. Soon enough Hana has dragged Aiko out and Honey is grabbing Haruhi to dance with him. Tamaki makes a flourish as he holds a long note, proud that he can make us dance with so little encouragement. Hideo looks at Haru and the smaller twin blushes while the German clears his throat awkwardly. Kyoya spins me as Kou forces the two males into the middle of the room.

And just like that we start what we did the rest of the day. We danced to our heart's content, myself with my gang and the other members of the host club. Kou brought out dance music from the top 40 and we continued with that until we all tired our legs. Then we somehow found ourselves in the large game room, watching old reruns of bad daytime dramas. The moon rose and my heart which had sank to the bottom of the ocean made of despair floated to the surface with my friends' help. For once I was grateful that I had broken my rules and made friends, because I couldn't have asked for better ones than these people.

The host club was kicked out by Fu a little before midnight. I knew it was mainly because I was getting tired but it was also because Fu wanted to clean the house after they left. So, my gang left me alone as they attended to their duties at an unreasonable time, sitting atop my piano as I watched the moon. The glass door let in all the moon beams I could have ever wanted and I smiled as the clouds formed shadows on my floor.

My mind had an idea of its own to think about Ritsu but there was something that was missing. I got all of my ducks in a row as I formed a battle plan to trust my boyfriend once again. He lied to protect me and he has said that he won't do it again. The problem with that is that he tries to protect me without asking me in the first place.

It didn't help that I avoided him and was stubborn this entire week. I know it was childish to shut him out and I have to work with him if we're going to get over this hurdle. But that doesn't mean that I'm still not disappointed with the fact he's not listening to what I'm saying. Though the reason he might not be listening is because he's still scared. He's scared of losing me, that's why he lied in the first place.

I just wish I hadn't shut him out and forced him to leave. Well, I didn't force him to do anything but I told him that I wanted space. I wanted space and now I want him. My hand refuses to pick up the phone and dial his number all because of pride and I feel like I'm destroying my relationship with a hardship. With a single knot in the string, I'm already tossing it out while muttering angrily how it had a knot to begin with. I have to stop thinking about what Ritsu did and start accepting that the string will have a knot and the knot will become less and less pronounced as time goes on.

My thoughts swirled around my head like a clogged kitchen sink, not really all that productive without help, when the door behind me opened. At first I thought it was one of my men but I could tell by the long silence that it wasn't. The person at the other side of the room was waiting for me to acknowledge them, hoping that I would end the silence.

Though I don't have to end anything because the person comes around and enters the light flowing in, enlightening red hair and a sad face. Ritsu stands awkwardly as he maintains his distance, a good ten feet between us as I watch him from my perch. The boy opens his mouth and then closes it again as he stares at me with pleading eyes. My body swallows the liquid caught in my throat at seeing him here while I say the first thing that comes to mind.

"I couldn't play in front of them," I tell him. Ritsu gives me a confused look and I give a sad smile, disappointed with myself. "I couldn't play because the first piece they pulled out was the Swan Lake one and I thought of you."

"I, well," Ritsu stumbles as he puts his hands into his jean pockets. My words hang in the air and it's a pitiful absence of reassurance. Ritsu looks at me and his voice is small. "I went home and I thought I could let you have space but when I saw the moon, I knew I couldn't let you go to bed angry at me."

"You have that excuse a lot. Are you really that afraid I would kill you in your sleep?" I ask in a half humorous tone. The redhead before me smiles a bit before he looks down in shame, happy that I'm making the steps to be like we were.

"No, it's just something I tell myself so that I have the courage to try not to hurt you again, because I really don't want to hurt you Susan," he replies softly. His face is shaded as the shadow of a cloud begins to pass over his body. He still has bruises and I know he's still bandaged. He's broken but that doesn't mean that I have to fix him. I have no obligation to fix anyone but I want to fix him. I love him so I want him to get better. I want him to be with me and not have to worry about saying the wrong thing. I want him to know that I will always forgive him.

"Do you know why you hurt me? I know you see that I'm angry but do you know why?" I ask him, trying to see if he sees what he's done or if he's just trying to fix something he has no clue how to fix.

"I lied to you and broke your trust. Then I knew you needed some space but I started telling you what to do without asking you what you wanted. I don't ask you what you want; I only impose what I want on you and I can't do that anymore," Ritsu whispers. The shadow passes over him, the moonlight cover his face and illuminates his features. He's handsome as ever and it makes my breath catch. Butterflies enter my stomach and I crave for the boy to come closer, so I can touch him and let him know we'll be okay.

"I messed up too," I reply and Ritsu's head bounces up to argue but I give him a stern look. He knows it's time for him to listen and he clenches his jaw. "I should tell you what I'm feeling. I'm trying to go back into my routine of bottling everything up and I can't do that because then I hurt you."

"You know you can tell me anything," Ritsu says swiftly, crossing the distance to me. I smile at him as relief that I haven't felt in days passes over me. The boy stands at my legs as he grabs both my hands in his. "I won't ever be mad to hear what you're feeling even if it's about me. I want you to tell me when I make you happy or sad or angry. I don't want you to do everything on your own."

"I'll tell you from now on," I promise him and he brings my hand up to kiss it. The ring sits on my finger and Ritsu places a kiss on the finger wearing it. He smiles back up at me as I discern a blush in his beaten cheeks. Placing my hand to cup his cheek, I run my finger along the stitches I made days before. "I want you to fight the world with me, not protect me anymore okay. I want you to be by my side and not out in front by yourself."

"I'll try. It might take some time to break that habit, but I'll really try," he says strongly. I nod my head and feel the band around my lungs because of anxiety cease for the first time since I got back.

The boy comes closer, his chest hitting my knees and I lean down a bit. Ritsu's face is an expression of innocent confusion, lips beautifully parted as his eyes are widely searching for an answer. My heart pounds faster as heat forms in my stomach. I can feel the boy's heart rush faster as I place a hand on his chest to pull him closer. For the first time in weeks, I can feel the desire that I have for the boy fill me with full force.

"Will you try something with me?" I ask him as I rake a hand through his hair. Ritsu gulps as I blush brightly with my choice of words. The redhead nods furiously, his red face making me blush and smile even more.

I gently lean down and place my lips against his which have resumed their rough nature. Although I'm somehow more satisfied with the natural feel of them than when they're soft. Ritsu slowly places his hands on my waist as he pulls me a little more off the piano, his lips gaining momentum. I teeter on the edge of the Baldwin as Ritsu parts my mouth hungrily, needing to feel like how we were. I feel his tongue hit the front of my teeth before I almost fall off my high place, nearly biting the boy's tongue in the process.

"Here," Ritsu says as he catches me, pulling his mouth away from mine.

The boy grabs my waist harder as he brings me into him, my legs immediately going around his waist and arms going around his shoulders. I straddle him as he lowers me off the piano, surprising me as he captures my lips once again. My body is on fire as he walks us towards the door, stopping to lean me against it for a moment while he slips his tongue into my mouth once again.

The kiss deepens and as we normally have it, it gets messy but that isn't what I'm thinking about. What I'm really thinking about is how there is a needy feeling that enters my lower stomach, the pressure of my body against his creating friction. Ritsu lowers me a bit more as I feel him bite my lip in slight pain, my legs having accidentally crushed his still sore chest. The boy grabs my thighs which are around his waist. Then the hands go up and I feel them play with the edge of the kimono, his hand hitting the flesh of my knee.

"We should go to my room," I gasp before Ritsu can allow his hands to roam more. Ritsu kisses my neck and I lean my head back against the wall. He nips lightly at it before I pull his hair to get him to stop. "We are not going to do this here."

"You sure?" Ritsu grunts as he lightly bites my chin. His eyes are hooded as the boy smiles deviously. My heart beats with excitement and my skin is melting with every touch the boy gives, his newest one is his fingertips trailing along the length of my leg he holds. The boy teases me more and my concentration takes way too much attention.

"Do you want Fu to walk in on something?" I threaten and Ritsu holds me tighter in fear. I can't help but laugh at his fearful expression. The boy pouts a bit and I laugh harder as he hoists me higher, legs slipping off and he throws me over his shoulder. I am staring at his back while half of me is upside down. "This is so unnecessary."

"I like it," Ritsu teases, causing me to laugh. The boy opens the door and we enter the hall, no one there to witness our antics. We make our way to my bedroom, Ritsu throwing the door open with a flourish and nearly banging me on the doorframe. I swing my arm and give the boy a slap to his ass as he almost hits me again to close the door.

"You are so bad at this," I giggle and Ritsu locks the door behind us. He picks me up and walking quickly to the bed, falls onto it with me still in his arms. "Now you're just being bad on purpose."

"You can't prove anything," Ritsu deadpans into my side. I lay on my back while Ritsu scrambles to sit up next to me. When he does, I just look at him from below, happy that he's next to me with a smile. I sit up and Ritsu's eyes roam to my chest, the kimono revealing my sports bra underneath. Blushing to my legs, I can see that the kimono has been so mussed up that it no longer hides my thick legs or nice sized breasts.

How far do I want to go? Ritsu sits away as he waits patiently to see what I want to do. I merely swallow hard as I make the decision to not think about it until I don't feel good anymore. So with shaking hands, I slowly take my kimono off, revealing black panties and achieving a blushing mess of a boy. I move closer to the boy, grabbing the end of his shirt and removing it to leave his chest bare, bruises a greenish color painting his paler skin.

Ritsu seems to debate how he wants to position us so I decide for us, straddling him as I smile gently. The boy takes the opening as he leaves soft kisses down my jaw, working his way up to bite the lobe of my ear. My stomach tosses as I hold in moan. Ritsu moves on to suck on my collarbone, a noise coming from the hallway. My mind goes blank when Ritsu trails his hand down my spine and settles on the small of my back.

"Ritsu," I sigh the name in pleasure. The boy tenderly places his hand on my ass, trying not to scare me but in turn lighting my skin on fire with an electric caress.

"How did you get this?" Ritsu asks as he kisses a little below my collarbone. The boy's voice is husky and causes a shiver to go through me while he bites a scar. I arch my back as I sink lower into his lap, feeling something hard below me, Ritsu rubbing his jeans into me.

"That one?" I pant as Ritsu slips his hands under my underwear, coming into contact with skin which hasn't been touched this tenderly in my life. "That one is from when I took a bullet for my dad. It was a through and through, really bad shot."

Ritsu takes his hands off me and picks me up as he lays me back down. He breathes heavily as he tries to regain his control. I watch him carefully as he places his hands on his hips. This is when I take notice of the bulge hidden by his jeans. The fear hasn't shown itself and I'm only excited, the gnawing feeling mixed with heat and longing.

"How about this one?" Ritsu asks as he fingers my inner thigh. I look down as the lust turns to longing in his orbs. The boy lowers his mouth to kiss a longer scar that I got when I was five.

"That one was when I was a kid. It was a shoddy playground and piece of metal was poking out of the sliding pole," I choke out as Ritsu nips higher on the leg. He sucks as he kisses and I know he's trying to leave the bruises in places people won't see at school. Ritsu carefully places himself on the side of me rather than straight above me, catching a scar on the bone of my hip normally hidden by pants.

"This one?"

He kisses my hip and the moans which I had hidden escape as I feel the heat pool, creating moisture. Ritsu kisses my stomach with the long scar from where I was stabbed in the warehouse. My hands which were squirming above my head reach for Ritsu, the boy looking up with a smirk. I want him. I've wanted him for what feels like too long.

"The one on my hip was from a problem customer. He doesn't matter right now though," I whisper as I pull Ritsu on top of me.

The boy nods as he flips me to be on top of him. Then I sit up, hands moving to the button on the jeans, anticipation mixed with uncertainty starting to fill me. Something happens a moment before I can pull down a zipper and this comes in the form of my closet opening. Two people enter through the closet and it is the two last people I would want to see me without my clothes and on top of a boy.

"Suzanna," Vito screams in surprise. I jump off Ritsu but remain at his side as heavy steps march to us. Fu grabs the boy and tosses him off the bed as I jump up to defend him. Vito hands me a robe from my chair but I'm way too worried about Fu standing over Ritsu to put it on.

"Fu leave him alone," I order but the man picks Ritsu up, banging him against the wall. Running to them, I shield Ritsu from my gang father. Fu gives me a harsh look before he steps back.

"Can he please leave?" Fu yells and I know the situation isn't going to get any better. Ritsu sits on the floor, surprised and confused that my gang is freaking out. These men aren't just my gang though, they're men that see me as their daughter, a daughter who just so happens to be in a compromising position.

"Ritsu," I whisper as I stand. The boy stands with me, Vito throwing his shirt at his face. "I'll see you at school and I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

"Whatever you want," Ritsu replies as he puts on his shirt. I nod with the tense situation but the boy isn't one to let others stop us from being together. In all the boldness I could ever imagine, the boy gives me a quick peck on the lips and once more after he squeezes my hand reassuringly. "I love you."

"Love you too," I reply and Fu grunts to get us to stop. Ritsu nods to the two men and he leaves my bedroom with what must be the worst mood ever—because my mood has been shot to shit. Wheeling around on my two men, they stand in still shock of what they've done.

"Susan-sama," Fu blubbers nervously and I give him the dirtiest look ever.

"Oh now I'm your boss but when you're barging into my room, I'm not. What the hell was that?" I scold harshly. Vito puts his hands up but I walk up to him, poking my finger into his soft stomach. Switching languages, I continue on with my angry rant. "You have no excuse. You have no right to storm into my room when you have been saying for me to take back my own boyfriend who I've been dating for months!"

"Suzanna, can you put some clothes on?" Vito squeals as I poke harder.

I still stand in my underwear and have found the others have entered the room, my entire counsel getting shamed by me half naked. The twins are nervously shifting, averting their eyes for my own comfort. It's Kou who comes to me, taking off his own shirt and forcing it over my head, leaving me with a shirt barely going over the round of my butt. This doesn't help break my momentum though because I'm on a fucking roll and all the anger that has been building up for days is finally released.

"You guys don't get a say if I sleep with Ritsu or not anymore. You guys lost that right when you willingly let me fall in love with the enemy," I scream at them all. The cousins look like they want to escape but I put my finger up to hold them hostage. They still in their pajamas and hide behind their respective twin partners.

"We care about you and we wanted you to be happy," Fu argues. I give him a wide-eyed and disbelieving look.

"No, don't pull that shit on me. You lied to me when you knew full well I had the utmost faith in you. Now that I am actually going back to how I was with the boy, you guys ruin it all."

I am hysterical. You can tell I'm really pissed by the way my accent is so heavy and the hesitation between phrases as I pick the words in the correct language. My anger overflows as they manifest as angry tears. Goddamnit. I was finally relieved and happy with Ritsu and these guys just kicked him out. I wasn't scared and everything was going so smoothly and they put a wrench into my fucking messed up machine of a mind. Though, did I really want that?

"We should have known better," Aiko breaks my furious pacing.

"We're sorry," Hideo continues on.

"But as much as you feel like an adult you're still a child, under age, and I don't believe you should have been doing what you were doing," Fu chides. I look at the bald man with a dubious look.

"Fu, I kill people for a living and I can't have sex with my steady boyfriend?" I ask with a disbelieving frown. The man crosses his arm over his yukata and shakes his head. The man is really my father in this country and he isn't taking any of my teenage shit.

"No you are not allowed. Marriage is a good start to a relationship," he argues swiftly. I snort as look to the others. They don't give any clue to how they will weigh in and Vito is the only one who actually makes eye contact—but that's only because he doesn't know what is going on.

"You're saying that I, a fucking mob boss, have to wait until I'm married to have sex?" Fu nods again and I shake my head over and over and over. "Fu, I'm not a virgin. I am not pure and Ritsu knows that and he's fine with it. Why can't I just, just, pretend that everything is fine? I'm not supposed to be married. I'm just supposed to be with him like this. I just need him like this."

"Susan," Kou whispers in shock as the silence fills the bedroom. I bite my lip so hard that I can start to taste the metallic liquid.

"I just don't want him to leave again," I whisper as I close my eyes and see Ritsu's fleeing back. If I give partly into my emotions, then I'll do something that I haven't thought of but the boy won't leave. While I open my eyes, the others look at me worriedly but silent.

"He won't leave you. He isn't going to leave you but this isn't what you need to do right now," Hana whispers in the dead silence.

No one knows what to say about my confession of being tainted let alone what to say about me wanting to be with Ritsu. Kou walks up to me, slipping arms around my waist as I cry a bit. Was I really going to have sex? I know Ritsu would have stopped if I asked but would I have the strength to ask? I can't tell but I know this is a new conversation I have to have with the boy. Kou tightens his arms around me and the warm safety fills me.

"He isn't going to leave and if he is, we aren't going to let him back to hurt you."

"But you guys let him love me. You guys were so cruel to let me fall in love with him but now tell me that I can't be with him. I just want to be with him."

"Makeup sex isn't the answer Susan," Kou argues with me. I can see his point but I shake my head.

"This is my life; I can do what I want. I can take care of myself," I hiss without weight.

"I know but we want to be there to protect you too. We want to protect you," Kou says pleadingly.

I bite my lip a bit harder before I sigh. There is no reason that I should deny them. they just wanted to keep me safe. For all I know, they thought that Ritsu was doing something terrible. Though it doesn't give them the right to burst in, they were just trying to protect me. They messed up badly and now they just want to make it up to me, albeit going the total opposite of the lax routine they had before.

"You guys are crazy."

"We'll protect you Susan. Let us protect you," Kou begs me and I nod as I lay my head on his shoulder.

"I'll let you protect me."

And in that moment, I trusted my gang once again. Somehow through the weeks of uncertainty and fear, they crawled back into my heart. Just like how Ritsu crawled back to me. And the roles which I had set in place had changed. The ones that I vowed to stand by and fight the world with became my protectors and the boy who wanted to protect me ended up at my side. The host club was with me too, standing closely as they helped me along the road with my heart. Everything that I have ever dreamt of having has fallen into my lap as school began again while the leaves began to fall.

Though, I think this was how life for me was supposed to be; I had the protection of a gang, the reassurance of friends and the happiness of a lover. Things all fell back into place as autumn began, though my problems had just begun.

Okay so everything in my life might not be falling apart, but it totally is, so I'm very sorry for the late update. I've been busy with one of my friends who is depressed-also doesn't help that I have a total fucking crush on her now-and school has been super crazy. I've also just been so against writing that this took me too long to write but the motivation just kept slipping because of stress. My habits are getting better, ergo the update. I've also really stopped some bad habits, not turning in homework, chewing my nails to the point they bleed, and some other really terrible stuff. So hopefully I'll update much sooner this time. Also I'll let you guys when the chapter turns into smut because I think we're going to attempt to write that soon, I don't know. Is it good? Like the actual almost sex scenes that I kinda bait you guys with? I know it's not the best but I haven't really researched how to do it all that much so it's still a little off for me. So, sorry for the late update. Please comment for the chapter so I get some input for the sex.

As always, loves yous guys and follow, fave, review, obsess.