We're All Mad Here

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."
- Aristotle -

Ty Lee waits. And waits.

She takes her napkin and folds it into five different animals but it becomes too creased to make anything new. So it simply sits there on the shimmering table, dull and dead. It lost its shape and is now a hollow shell of the variety of creatures it became.

Now she taps her fingers on the table and plays with her skirt and the people in the restaurant glare at her and share whispers.

It never occurs to Ty Lee that she could not be coming. Why would she not? And so the acrobat waits, and waits, and waits, fidgeting away. She probably just got caught up with those drill plans or something. War meeting? Fell asleep from exhaustion. Broke a limb? Broke a fingernail?

Ty Lee waits. And waits.

Azula doesn't arrive.

[X]

"You don't want to get up?" Ty Lee receives no response. "Nobody is going to force you to. I won't, at least."

It is one of those mornings where Azula finds she cannot enjoy anything for fear it will be taken away. It is one of those mornings where Azula is trapped and suffocating, drowning in her memories but too afraid to admit weakness. She simply lies there with her eyes closed and tries to direct her thoughts elsewhere like she controls the flow of lightning.

Ty Lee studies her closely and wonders if there is something she can do. But there is not. There is nothing she can do. She loves Azula so passionately that she does not know what else to say. And she would do anything to steal her pain and hold it inside of her. But she knows very well Azula would not do the same thing for her.

She walks into the living quarters of the palace and finds Mai desperately trying to wake up with a cup of Earl Grey; Ty Lee can smell the strong scent from across the room. She clearly brewed it with the intent to be awake forever.

"Where's Azula?" Mai asks, although she knows the answer.

"She doesn't feel good," Ty Lee says and it is not truly a lie.

For the whole day, she waits for Azula. And waits. Maybe she will get up, maybe she will not.

Ty Lee decides to take initiative. She draws a bath and pleads for Azula to get in it, tugging at her arm and kissing her motionless lips and nearly exploding from frustration.

"I'm tired of waiting," Ty Lee screams before she catches herself. "Sometimes I wish I had stayed on Kyoshi Island."

"No one is stopping you from going back," Azula says softly, her words sharp, cold and pointed like a scalpel that digs into her girlfriend.

Ty Lee contemplates it for a moment. What it would be like to be back there. If she could face the world alone. She couldn't. Agni, Ty Lee could not. She has developed a dependency on Azula to rival a heroin addict, as much as it hurts. As much as it hurts she plunges the needle into her arm or her neck or her leg and feels the rush until she burns in pain.

"Is this how you're going to be for our children?" Ty Lee blurts out. It is something she has not shared with Azula before. Why would she share it?

"Our what?" Azula's eyebrows shoot up and Ty Lee shifts her weight from foot to foot.

"It's nothing. Just please get in the bath. It will make you feel better." Pause. Hesitation. "I'll get in with you if that sweetens the deal."

Azula opens her eyes for a moment and studies Ty Lee closely. Watching her for tells and all of the things Azula learned to exploit. But she is completely honest, and so Azula rises from bed and walks to the bathroom.

Ty Lee looks at how she is getting thinner and she wonders how that could be. Everything was going so well for a while, well enough that Ty Lee dropped everything and decided to formally court a princess (which is, in earnestness, much more exciting than Kyoshi Island).

She undresses and Azula watches her. Ty Lee walks to her and slips off her clothes, and then steps into the bath. The warm water feels nice against her skin as she lies down, almost completely submerged. Azula hesitantly joins her and Ty Lee smiles warmly. But Azula averts her eyes, trying to look aloof and disinterested. Ty Lee takes a deep breath and plays with the soap.

"You need to treat yourself sometimes," Ty Lee says tenderly, taking the expensive soap and touching it to Azula. The princess jumps in shock and Ty Lee recoils slightly before continuing.

"I know," Azula replies in cavalier tone and Ty Lee forces a smile.

Waiting, always waiting. Waiting for Azula to realize what she needs to realize. But Ty Lee will wait forever for her if she has to.

It evolves into the beginnings of sex. Azula is distant and Ty Lee kisses her and touches her. The princess reacts in the raw and the physical, but her mind is clearly worlds away.

"I'm sorry," Ty Lee stammers as she pushes on Azula and her arm scrapes on the faucet..

"It's a little cut. Don't worry," Azula says, touching her arm. A small amount of blood sticks to her fingers, but it is not too problematic.

But then the droplets fall into the water and stain it pink. It spirals from there. Azula screams, screams like she is being murdered and Ty Lee's heart starts to race. She knows it is not abnormal but she feels incredibly exposed and naked. She pulls Azula in to her, her hand resting on the back of Azula's neck.

She isn't there. Azula sobs hysterically, which is unusual unless she is in an episode like this. Impending doom; Ty Lee can tell Azula thinks she is going to die and she wishes she could erase the memory that Azula is reliving.

Pink bathwater. Scalding. Azula can see it over and over and then smell the cologne that haunts her, that makes it so certain scents she cannot even go near. Gasping, gasping. Pink bathwater. Scalding.

"It's okay," Ty Lee breathes, stroking Azula gently. She purses her lips, feeling almost as pained as Azula.

It slows.

Ty Lee waits for her to calm. She waits. And waits. But she will wait forever for her if she has to.

Waiting, always waiting.

[X]

Ty Lee waits at the altar. She is trembling with the excitement, nearly knocking over the Fire Sage at one point. She waits for Azula with bated breath, unsure how to fathom what is happening. It is beautiful to her. It is everything to her.

Azula arrives on the horizon in Sozin Memorial Meadow. She walks with deliberate steps, her every motion dictated by firebending. But Ty Lee has certainly grown to like those motions, particularly in the dead of the night.

Ty Lee is looking at her and she realizes she will not have to wait anymore. Azula is beside her, flashing her a devious smirk and then turning to the Fire Sage. But Ty Lee is still looking at her.

And she is so beautiful.

[X]

"I really want a child," Ty Lee says one morning. She has been trying to summon the courage to ask Azula for some time.

"No," Azula replies instantly and Ty Lee frowns.

"It's up to you, of course. But I really do," Ty Lee says, trying to keep her tone saccharine. Azula shakes her head in response.

"Not yet. You think we're ready to be parents? I'm a basket case and you're just as mad as I am," Azula remarks before sipping her tea. She tosses it about so casually and Ty Lee tries not to cry.

Her tears are not worth this.

"I can wait," Ty Lee says earnestly. She will wait. She will wait forever if she has to.

[X]

Azula agrees to have a child two years after Ty Lee starts asking. Ty Lee occasionally inquires, after seeing babies of their friends or when they are alone at night. Nightmares and aftershocks still dominate their life together, but Ty Lee wants this. She wants a family because she loves Azula sincerely and entirely, even if it will be the end of her.

[X]

"If I lost you I think I would die," Ty Lee says and Azula does not need the melodrama.

Their daughter is freshly born and Azula is chafed and sore and sleep deprived. She does not need this from Ty Lee when every time her baby cries she feels a surge of panic. That she teeters on the edge of destruction because this little infant needs her but there is no way Azula can offer it what it needs.

"You don't have to worry about that," Azula says softly, touching Ty Lee's face. She hopes the cold caress will silence her wife. "Don't worry about it ever. If I were easy to kill I would've been dead a long time ago."

"I just... you've been going downhill lately," Ty Lee replies and Azula is stunned. Ty Lee lives comfortably in denial most of the time. "I worry."

"I told you not to," Azula says coldly and it wounds Ty Lee like a frozen blade. But Ty Lee is silent, nodding and lying back down.

They try to sleep before Azusami wakes them again. Their hands interlink and Ty Lee dreams of Azula drifting away towards roaring flames as she tries to cling onto her. But she cannot.

In the morning, she waits for Azula to wake. She watches her, examining her in the sunlight and how peaceful she looks. Most nights she looks pained, or murmurs things in her sleep, or sleepwalks. But Ty Lee walks her fingers up Azula's shining arm and feels content.

This is the pleasant kind of waiting.

[X]

It is never going to be perfect, Ty Lee realizes as she sends her daughter off to school for the first time. It will never be okay. Just mostly okay. Azula will not ever recover and Ty Lee will never stop loving her no matter what happens.

Azula still lights her on fire when she looks at her and their eyes lock. She still makes her feel like the happiest person alive even through the pain she inflicts. And it is beautiful, it is so beautiful.

Ty Lee waits for Azula outside of the school. Azusami insisted that Azula take her inside and Ty Lee is more than concerned about Azula's interactions with the other parents. But Azusami is young and already embarrassed of her mom, with a strong preference for her mother.

Laughing as Azusami runs around with her mother's fire in her hands, blue and bold. Perfect. Moments like those are why Ty Lee stays when she likely should have run from Azula long ago. When Azula was gone, she should have been gone too.

She and Azula lie in bed that night and Ty Lee rests her head on the princess's shoulder.

"We weren't made for each other, were we?" Ty Lee asks and Azula snorts.

"Not at all," she replies, a slight mockery in her tone. "You were designed to crave attention and find your true calling. And I'm... just a girl from an asylum."

"We're more than that."

"Well, yes, you can walk on your hands as well and I conquered Ba Sing Se. But at the heart I'm just a mad, mad girl and you're the poor girl who got stuck with me." Pause. Ty Lee thinks she is upset for a moment but Azula laughs faintly. "You got yourself into a mess, didn't you?"

"I'm not stuck with you." Silence.

"You just don't know any different. The instability of my family appeals to you because you were raised in it. You're never going to escape, just like Mai tried to escape Zuko again and again. Now they're married with a child. I've captured you and you won't leave because the outside world is too scary," Azula comments with a small smirk. She looks amused by the darkness of her words. By the truth in her words.

"I love you, Azula. Whether you're the incredibly sexy princess who dominates everything in her path and who a teenage me desperately, erm, wanted to be dominated by, or just a mad, mad girl." Pause. "We're both pretty fucked up. I think we're all a little mad here if we're counting Zuko and Mai."

Quiet. Very quiet. "I love you," Azula says earnestly. Ty Lee's eyes widen for a moment. She usually finds any way to avoid saying those three words.

"I love you too," Ty Lee says and as she kisses Azula, she realizes she does not have to wait anymore.

There is no more waiting. She has Azula and despite all of the flaws and the abuse and holding her through her nightmares, it is perfect.

Ty Lee closes her eyes and for the first time in her life, feels completely content.

No more waiting.