Chapter 4 - Blame

A/N: I'm so sorry for the long delay guys! My internet was broken and I really can't find a way to post this. So sorry again and I hope this can make up for it. :(

The farmhouse went quiet. Either April got Casey to shut up, or Donnie got fed up and knocked him out. But Mikey knew the argument earlier was just Casey's way to lighten the solemn mood, even if he, himself, was mourning.

Which then made Mikey realize that crying right now is pointless.

He stood up quickly from his place against the wall near Raph's room, frantically wiping his face clear of any tears and hoping that Raph didn't hear him crying like a baby. He exhaled slowly, and made a promise to himself to quit being a drama queen and start lightening the atmosphere. Well, until Splinter's funeral anyway...

He bit his lip hard and pain flared up. But to him, the pain was to keep him from thinking about Master Splinter and Le-

He banged his head against the wall.

He doesn't know what's worse, knowing his father's fate or never knowing what happened to his brother...

He bit his lip hard again.

Of all the times he could stop thinking and ignore everything around him, this is where it starts failing.

He groaned, and as a last resort to keep his mind away from painful thoughts, he abruptly knocked on Raph's door...

The room was silent. He knocked again just to be sure but Mikey was not surprised when no one answered again. He sighed and called loudly, "Raphie, it's me. I need to check on you, mind if I come in?" Who was he kidding, of course he would mind, and even if he said no, Mikey would come in anyway. He soon peeked through the door and immediately noticed that one: the room was dark, and two: he could just see Raph lying silently on the bed with his shell facing the door.

"Go away Mikey." Were his first words since the planning of Splinter's cremation.

He could just feel the love.

"Can't." Mikey said, obviously feeling that it's not the time to offer any jokes or insults for the sake of his intact body.

"Go find someone else to bug."

"Everyone's busy."

"Don't care, leave me alone."

"No."

Raph turned slightly, just enough for Mikey to see an angry green eye glaring at him from the shadows.

"Get. Out."

"Dude, I need to see your injuries. Doctor's strict orders."

"Tell Don to stuff it."

Mikey smiled slightly. "April ordered it. You want me to tell her to stuff it?"

Mikey swore he could feel Raph's eye burning through his soul and incinerating him, the bright green looking almost feral.

"Raph, it might get infected, and it will only worsen the situation. Please Raphie? I need to just check it out."

Raph was still glaring at him and Mikey visibly sweated. He normally knows Raph's rage levels and how to deal with them, as he was the one who frequently triggers it. And this, he recognizes as Raph's highly unpredictable glare. You know he's gonna do something, but you don't know what. And that's the scariest of all of Raph's rage levels.

But to Mikey's complete shock and disbelief, Raph nodded and started to sit up. Fearing that he might be dreaming, he pinched himself hard.

Nope, it's real alright.

He stared at Raph as he hissed at his obviously aching joints. At this point, Mikey should have been being beaten up by Raph already. But now he was agreeing?! This is really weird...

Shaking his head, he ignored the miraculous event and proceeded to inspect the various arrow wounds, marks, bruises, and shuriken cuts that littered his body when he tried to protect Leo with it earlier, only to fail. But Mikey guessed it was nothing compared to what Leo has suffered in the years past just to protect them and what might be happening to him this very day-

Mikey bit his lip hard enough to draw blood.

"Mikey! Why the heck's your mouth bleeding?!" Raph cried out and only then did Mikey's noticed that he drew enough blood that it started to seep between his lips.

"Ohhh that? Nothing serious. Just accidentally bit this earlier. But dude, don't worry about this blood, worry about THAT!"

He cried just in time for one shuriken wound to open and start bleeding like crazy.

Raph hissed in pain again, but managed to grumble, "I'm fine."

Mikey groaned. Sometimes, Raph's stubborness can rival Leo's when it comes to treating their injuries. They were the worst patients EVER.

He muttered an "Excuse me," and examined the wounds upclose. Some of them are obviously still bleeding, although lightly. Raph hadn't done a thing to tend to them and already, Mikey could see that it was red and swollen, and when he touched Raph's arm, he felt warm. Alarmed, Mikey reached for his forehead and quickly removed his hand before Raph swatted it away sluggishly. "Dude, you have a fever. Must mean that it's infected. Come on, we gotta clean those fast!"

"I'm alright!" Raph growled.

"Raph, Splinter and Leo would never want you to do this to yourself! Now come on and stop being a martyr. That's Leo's job and he would hate it if you did it too."

Raph glared at him hatefully but Mikey knew it was half-hearted. He was getting dizzy and sick. Mikey helped him up and carried him towards the bathroom, (lucky there's one in the second floor, or Raph would never let Mikey assist him) and made him sit on the tub in there. Raph tried to swat and push him away but Mikey held on tight and finally, Raph got the message. He groaned in pain as he slowly settled himself in the tub. Mikey knew he was sore and his body is aching and his wounds hurt like crazy. Anyone who got cut and stabbed and beat up but still did not do a thing to treat it would feel that. Mikey immediately helped him wash his wounds with clean water and mild soap. This was the first time in history that Raph allowed someone to let them bathe him. It was truly an extraordinary day.

But Raph was still unusually silent. Mikey then noticed that he had a poker face on and was staring at something behind Mikey's shoulder, not meeting eye contact. Mikey immediately knew what's bothering him, and acted as necessary...

...Which means pressing down on one bruise hard, making Raph jolt and water splash everywhere. "OW! What the hell's your problem?!"

"Raph, stop blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault."

Raph looked up at him in shock, "How did you-?"

He smirked. "Dude, I'm highly sensitive to guilty feelings. Who do you think is the turtle Leo confides to all these years? I know all those tricks, because he did all those too."

"No way, that was you?!" Raph gaped at him in shock. He was so surprised because loosening the tight screws of their leader is near IMPOSSIBLE. Leo can make anyone feel bad or irritable if not dealt with immediately, so naturally, Donnie and Raph quit. But Mikey, with incredible powers of persuasion and compassion, took it upon himself to do the job well done. And he was quite proud of it too.

"But... I've always thought it was Master Splinter."

"Dude, Master Splinter? He just makes Leo feel even MORE terrible! No offense to Splinter, but you should hear the things he says on their secret meetings. He always says stuff like, "you should bear all burdens alone to be a proper leader!" Or "your brothers' lives are your responsibility! If anything bad happens to them, you must take the blame!" Man, you should see how badly it screws Leo up."

Raph stared at me, his face blank. "I didn't know... were you always talking with Leo?"

"Always."

"How about after one of our... you know... fights? Does he talk to you about it?"

Mikey looked at him seriously. Leo was always the one to back up first in all their infamous fights, walking out before the fight escalates to physical harm. Even when Raph calls him coward or whatever, he avoids fights and goes straight to his room or the dojo, where Mikey finds him later in the day. "Yeah, he did."

Raph cleared his throat and gritted his teeth. Mikey knew the next words are pretty hard to say, but he wanted Raph to do this.

He finally choked it out. "Does he... does he.. hate me?"

Raph watched him anxiously with bated breath. Mikey held it out for a few long minutes before Raph slumped down, discouraged. "So he hates me huh? Can't blame him, I would hate myself too."

Mikey sighed, "No. Actually, he keeps telling me he loves you very much. So much, that he avoids hurting you during one of your ridiculous fights. But you often force his hand."

Raph stared at him in bewilderment. Mikey smiled sadly, "That's the main reason he always comes to me. Because he was guilty that he hurt you even though you're in a much better shape than he was. To be honest, even though it's not obvious, Leo is a very sensitive and fragile dude. Anything you say he will take seriously, one of us gets hurt, even just a scratch, he blames himself for it. But he hides it under his Fearless Leader persona sooo well that you and Donnie haven't noticed a thing. You don't know how long I've been wanting to tell you that. But the thing is, Leo wouldn't let me. Dunno why, because it certainly didn't help the situation."

Mikey paused, letting Raph absorb everything he said before he continued. "But the point is, I know when one of you feels guilty and trying to hide it or stuff like that, because I've been exposed to those tricks enough in my lifetime. I'm the one who always comforts Leo, and guess what? I can always make him feel better afterwards, so spill."

Mikey finally exhaled. It was true, all of it. He's not making anything up just to make Raph open up his feelings. Leo DID feel like that, but he hides it really well that Mikey has to dig deeper to know what he really feels at the time. When he finally found out, he's been waiting for the day he would tell all this to Raph, but this is not in one of the situations he imagined, telling it to Raph while bathing him, when the subject of the matter himself was missing and Splinter about to be burned to ashes. He bit his lip before continuing to rub Raph's wounded arms lightly with the soap, sensing that the short conversation was over.

But Raph had other plans. He ducked his head, in shame or shock or embarrassment, Mikey didn't know. "He should hate me. You should ALL hate me. I'm nothing but a piece of trash that slows you down and picks fights with you. I was the one who left Leo on the ground alone, I was the reason he's missing now. I didn't do anything to rescue Splinter. I just watched him get thrown in the sewer waters like the fool I was!"

"Raph, enough!" Mikey yelled and held down his arms before he attempts to punch the wall. "Didn't I tell you to stop blaming yourself?! It's not our fault. If there's anyone to blame, it's the Foot! They're the real reason, not you! In fact, you did all you could to protect Leo and save Splinter!" Mikey said, gesturing to the bruises in his fists and the cuts around his body. "I was the one who totally failed and did nothing. Donnie managed to rescue April and Casey, you held back the Foot and Tigerclaw and even finished Shredder. Me? I did nothing! So don't even dare say you're the one to blame!"

A slap upside the head made him stop and yelp in pain.

Raph crossed his arms. "Idiot. Didn't you just say we're not the ones at fault? Why are YOU blaming yourself? Shell-for-brains..."

Mikey watched Raph shake his head, and he smiled. That's the extent of Raph's show of affection. A slap on the head.

But then someone rudely interrupted the moment, "Raph!" Someone suddenly yelled outside and came barging in the room. Raph immediately pushed Mikey away from him and he screamed and fell backwards onto the floor.

"Oh Raph, there you are! I thought you left and- wait a minute. Was Mikey BATHING you?" Donnie asked in shock.

"What the heck are you talking about?! That goofball just fell in the tub, that's all!" Raph grumbled and glared at Mikey who smiled sheepishly from the floor and wiggled his soapy hands and fingers.

"Oookay..." Donnie raised an eyebrow. "But why are you bathing?"

"Is it a crime to clean myself now?!"

"Nah, Raphie just has an infection. But we're cleaning it off now like you told me to."

"Oh. Well, that's good Mikey. Now, let me take it from here."

"Wait! Please Donnie, I want to stay here... please?" Mikey pleaded and Donnie glanced at him to see him still on the ground, hands clasped with soap and water forming a puddle around him.

It was such a pitiful sight.

Donnie sighed wearily. "Alright, Mikey, you can stay."

He smiled in thanks and Donnie turned to face Raph who was watching the scene silently. He surprisingly allowed Donnie to wash the wounds clean and drain the dirty and bloody water from the tub. Donnie then proceeded to stitch the deep wounds and wrap sterile bandages around his arms and legs. Soon enough, it was done and Raph was allowed to go back to his room.

"Wait!" Mikey cried, "Can't I stay there for awhile? Can I Raph? And Donnie too! I'm sure he's tired from treating everyone today."

Raph frowned and glanced at the two of them. Mikey gazed at him sadly. "You know, just for tonight?"

Now it was Donnie's turn to watch the scene silently, confused at the events. Raph looked torn. But then he shrugged and gestured for them to follow. Mikey smiled brightly and tugged on Donnie's hand to lead him too...

It looks just like a scene of childhood.

They spent a night on Raph's bed curled up on each other, Mikey on one side trying hard to cuddle both of his brothers tight, Donnie on the other side curling in on himself, and Raph in the middle hugging them all like his little kids.

All that's missing is an older brother laying peacefully behind Mikey, and an elderly rat silently watching them sleep...

A/N: Review please!