Depending on my mood I sometimes like to say that my children have the same father, in spite of the dissimilarity of their DNA.

Lelouch Vi Britannia, or at that point in time he still went by Lamperouge, is the father of my son, Naoto. I find it funny that he is only one quarter Japanese, and yet he has a both Japanese first and last names. Naoto Kozuki. He was conceived the night that I escaped from Britannian prison. I broke my promise; I provided Lelouch comfort after Nunnally's staged death. It was as much for myself as him. During my time locked up in that bulletproof glass cell, I came to love Nunnally more than when we were at Ashford together. She opened up to me in a way that was impossible before. With all her secrets revealed she told me about her childhood, about Lelouch, making me fall in even more in love with him just as I came to love her. It was a different type of love. I miss Lelouch as a lover, and not a friend.

That love made my acceptance, or I admit, suggestion all right. Honestly, I wouldn't have had it any other way, except the ability to change the circumstances around our first time. It was the only time. He was in shock. I sent C.C. out of the room, asking her if she would go for a walk on the deck while I had a talk with Lelouch. I held him while he sobbed in my arms. He was the most conceited, powerful, in mind, and certainly not body, and strongest person I knew, will probably ever know. We didn't talk. When his lips met mine there was no hesitation. My hands went to remove his Zero costume.

It wasn't until he was inside me that he actually began to cry. Those dull amethyst eyes sparkled with tears. His release was more than just physical. I was crying as well. He probably never noticed. He was too caught up in himself. Lelouch was like that. I rubbed his slender back as he shook.

The next day he sent me away, saying I "must live on." His words did little to make his rejection any less painful. I wanted to die with him, but he never gave me the chance. He pushed me away, and Rolo saved him.

In my role as the jilted lover, I never sought Lelouch out. On the contrary, I went against him, well, Suzaku really. It was the final war for the world: the UFN against Britannia. If he was going to push me away, and make me fight him, then I was going to give him one hell of a fight. I did, but we still lost. I killed Suzaku though, or so it was assumed at the time.

The death of the Demon Emperor is still a vivid memory. He was on his dais, looking as smug and satisfied as ever. It's only in hindsight that the dullness of death is evident in his eyes. I kept my eyes on him the entire time. When Zero's sword pushed through that bleeding heart, both literally and to mean that Lelouch had a 'bleeding heart,' my vision became blurred. I blinked away tears as quickly as possible, hoping that the sight would change once the wall of water was cleared.

It didn't.

The smear of crimson leading to Nunnally was reality. Dear god, I wish she were still blind so she didn't have to see it. She wasn't in shock when Lelouch died. She sobbed right away, wailing, begging, pounding his chest, asking the gods to bring him back to life. No one else understood her pain. I certainly did not. The tears streamed out my eyes, however, the words were not wails or prayer. I praised Zero, telling the world "that's Zero, the one who saved us." It was the least I could do for Lelouch after he sacrificed himself for us through Zero Requiem.

Even all these years later it's hard to write. My vision is blurred again. I can't go on otherwise the memory will become too vivid, and I will see it again. The red on purple will become a vision and remind me of him. Maybe it's the other way around; that Naoto's red hair and amethyst eyes, eyes that are the same shade as his father's, reminds me of the day Lelouch died.

At the time that this is written, he looks so much like his father at three, or at least Nunnally and I think so. Neither of us knows for sure. She obviously doesn't remember, being less than one year old at the time, and I was not present. The few pictures don't do justice. The only thing Naoto has of mine is his hair. It's red. On any other day, when I pretend his father is someone else, that his father is Zero, and not Lelouch, when those two become different people again; they are seen as an awe inspiring combination. Naoto is complimented on his appearance often, more than other child probably. I will know in a few months.

It was the kicks that made me wonder. It wasn't the missed period or the fatigue that denoted a pregnancy. Stress can cause these symptoms, and being on death row, execution documents signed by the love of my life, was pretty damn stressful. Even after Lelouch's death, and my parole, I figured it was sorrow that kept my cycle at bay. It made sense at the time. Naoto didn't kick me until I was six months along, and he didn't grow enough to force my stomach to stick out to where others noticed until seven months pregnant.

I didn't know what to say when people asked who the father was, and if we were going to get back together. Apparently "he's not around," made people want to judge me, or tell their own stories. Once I started saying, "The dad is dead," they left me alone. Perhaps it was the way I said it, and not the words that incited a reaction that reminded me of a fish out of water. Rarely people apologized. When they did I didn't care. An apology wasn't going to bring Lelouch back. If it could, I'm sure no one would apologize. Only Nunnally, Zero, and I mourned Lelouch Vi Britannia, 99th Emperor of the Holy Britannia Empire. Not many would believe that I was close enough to royalty to conceive a child with him anyway.

Nunnally wasn't there at the birth. My mother was present. I couldn't bring myself to show Naoto to Nunnally until he was two. It wasn't even my choice, not in the sense that I suggested it. We were at home, sitting around the TV, and coloring. He looked up from his nonsensical scribbles when Nunnally appeared on the screen saying "Eyes! Eyes! Me eyes!" He was saying he thought Nunnally's eyes looked like his. They weren't the same color. Naoto's eyes are a few shades darker. Still, I was overcome with guilt.

The next day I used my influence as the former pilot of the Gurren to schedule an official meeting. I brought pictures, and not Naoto. Nunnally sobbed into them, begging me to bring him to her. She wasn't a diplomat at that moment. She was a teenage girl who missed her older brother, and saw a way to connect with him through his son, her nephew. I left the photos in the conference hall of the former Vicereine palace. Nunnally was still stroking the damp glossy image when I walked out to pick Naoto up from Ohgi's house.

Seeing Naoto and Nunnally together didn't just make my heart ache. It affected someone else too. When I brought my son to meet his aunt, someone else was there. His presence wasn't questioned; I never questioned Zero. It felt impossible to pretend that it was Lelouch behind that mask. Throughout the years Suzaku became lazy, or it might be that he couldn't portray the leader of the Black Knights. No one could be as flamboyant and theatrical as Lelouch.

"Hello Suzaku," I said, walking up to where he was standing off to the side, near the lake.

"He's Lelouch's son, isn't he?" Zero replied, not sounding at all distressed about his identity. I assumed he knew that I knew long before it was mentioned.

"Yeah."

We stood in silence for a long time, watching Naoto bring Nunnally random rocks from around the park, flowers, or even the toad he caught. They instantly took to each other, of course. Of course Lelouch's son would be drawn to Nunnally. He even screamed, cried, and yelled when he couldn't crawl up in her lap by himself.

It brought tears to my eyes: the good kind of tears. It was tears that expressed a humbled existence. Naoto shows me so much about myself, about his father, and the world Lelouch died to create.

He was two and a half when I became pregnant again. Nunnally and Naoto always played in the gardens. It is important for toddlers to be outside, running, screaming, making a mess of things and themselves. Also I think she preferred it because it was easier to play pretend. Outside in the gardens a fantasy world could be created, a world where anything was possible. Sometimes I liked to pretend that his father was there, lazily watching, sleeping, or studying with me. He wasn't. Zero was there most of the time. He never slept, unless Suzaku could sleep standing up.

Sometimes I wondered what he looked like under the mask, both in expression and the change of features with age. Three years isn't that long, but it's experiences that make the man. Was Suzaku a man, or was he still an angry boy, lashing out at the world because of a decision he made at eight years old? Did his gentle, playful face become full of hard lines? It was starting to before Requiem. When I was prisoner, and he came to question me about Lelouch, he was always scowling.

"Do you know what you look like?" I asked one day.

"Huh?" Zero responded, turning away from the scene to look at me.

"You said, 'The mask is my punishment. Suzaku is dead; Zero lives on.' Does that mean you don't look at yourself in the mirror?"

"Oh." He paused, mulling the question over, or maybe it was the audacity of the question he was pondering. "I have to. If my facial hair gets too long then the mesh gets really itchy. If the hair on my head gets too long it doesn't matter though."

"How long is your hair?"

"Past my shoulders. A little shorter than yours."

"Can I see?"

Honestly, the words escaped me. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe I wanted undeniable proof that it was Suzaku and not Lelouch who was Zero. It wasn't just a game like the ones he played with C.C., when they would switch around, and she would pretend to be him during times of unofficial business.

It would have made sense, and been a lot safer if he just removed his mask there. I mean safer as is 'safer for me.' It probably wouldn't have been a good idea in regards to his identity as Zero. I never asked if Nunnally knows. It should go on my to-do list. Anyway, I would like to recount his room, where Zero led me. The details are fuzzy. There was a bed, obviously, a closet full of Zero costumes, a mantle with masks; he was a body under the costume. He was an animator of flesh and bone.

The only indication that it was Suzaku was two things: a quill pen, carefully, lovingly, placed on desk. It didn't appear to be used so much as that being the appropriate place to house such an object. There was also a picture of the student council. The first picture taken with the new members, right when Suzaku and I joined. When we were all happy and things weren't so complicated. The Black Knights weren't even formed yet. At that moment I laughed at the irony of it all. Suzaku denied Lelouch so much. Refused to join the black Knights, not as the son of the late prime minister, and not as himself. He joined as a zombie.

The click of the mask being removed made my heart race. Long brown hair fell out in cascades. It reminded me of C.C. and how that was the first sign that it was she, and not Lelouch behind the mask. I sobbed. I don't really know why. My hand went over my mouth and I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment before they snapped open.

Suzaku still looked like Suzaku but not. I can't explain it. I'm not even going to bother to try. He reached out to me, a lifeline to humanity, and a person who knew him. Knew him. He wiped a tear away from my eyes and kissed me. His saline mixed with mine. We mourned Lelouch together the same way as Lelouch and I mourned Nunnally, except Lelouch was really dead. I think so anyway. If that jackass is out there somewhere, leaving the world behind, his friends, and family, his son behind; I will kill him.

God, I must have the worst luck.

Two pink lines greeted me two months later. I was pregnant again, knocked up by Zero, a ghost, and a dead man. Suzaku couldn't be a father. I was going to continue to be a single mother, only this time with two kids. Naoto was happy about it, at least.

I never asked anything of Suzaku. He never offered. Zero offered me lots of things: money, a better house, hiring someone to help around said house. He never offered himself. He couldn't. There was no one to offer. That hour spent as Suzaku, and not Zero was borrowed time. He was breaking a law, and I was the one being punished. Maybe it just added to his punishment. Maybe it made the mask even heavier. I never put it on. I wouldn't know.

He did ask one thing of me. "If it's a girl, can her name be Euphemia?"

The gender reveal ultrasound was yesterday. I'm having a daughter. Pictures will be brought next time Naoto and I see Nunnally. I wonder what Suzaku's expression will be when he seems them. Maybe I will ask. He will be there. He's always there. Watching. He is never too close, and never too far. He handles his punishment well. Better than I could.

Euphemia.

It would be funny if I chose to give her my legal name, Stadtfeld. My son, who is one quarter Japanese, has a traditional name, and my daughter, who is three quarters Japanese, would have a Britannian name. No one would get the joke. When people ask me who the father is, I tell them "He's dead." A few people asked if my children have the same father. This usually comes before the question of "where is he now?" People who knew Nato's father was dead prior to my pregnancy think I'm a lying asshole.

That's what gave me the idea to say "Yes. Yes, my children do have the same father." Their father is Zero. The man behind the mask is different, and their DNA was different. The burden is the same.

a/n: This is what kept me up last night. I am, apparently, an angsty writer. It is my calling, and my passion.

Read and review! This was c&ped from my phone, so please let me know if you see any mistakes.