Love on the Wheelchair
-2013-
"Something which I don't want him to know? Hmm... I don't really have any secret kept from him though. I'm a pretty straightforward person."
"And you think I'd tell you the thing which I don't want her to know. Heh. As if I would tell you that I don't really like her singing... Oh damn... Don't tell her that I say that. I like her singing. Her voice is the best. Yeah. Wait... What are you scribbling down? I told you to scratch that."
8th Wheel
25/06/2006, Sunday
Dear Diary,
This is my very first entry. I have never written a diary before and I'm going to start today. I can't write very well and I can get tired very easily after writing two paragraphs. I'm glad that I was trained to use a mouse and a keyboard so that writing will be less difficult and tiring for me. The creation of Microsoft Word is a blessing to mankind. Really. I don't have to hand-write so many words. All I need to do is to type slowly, like a tortoise. Then, I clicked 'save as' and there I have it. A soft document in which the 'ink' can last forever.
Therefore, I am now writing an e-diary. It sounds cooler than a typical diary, right?
Anyway, the reason why I start writing a diary is because I want to record Mikan Sakura's progress and perhaps my day with her. It has been a month since the car accident and she is still sleeping. Nurses said that she had a terrible concussion and she may sleep forever. Even if she wakes up, she will not remember anything.
I visit her everyday and tell her stories of my day. Sometimes, I will read her a storybook. She likes reading romance and fantasy books so I will choose books of those genres. Today, I read 'The White Witch' by Kiku Yamamoto to Mikan. It was recommended by the school librarian and while reading the book to her, I realise that the White Witch was so much like Mikan while the black crow in the story was quite like me in many aspects.
The White Witch loved the world so much that she provided sunshine in everyone's life. Even when she lost an arm and fractured her leg due to the rebellion of her servants and people, she continued to raise her only arm to provide light to the world. The White Witch was bleeding profusely, yet she cared for the world. Meanwhile, the black crow was a good-for-nothing animal in the story. Crows are always deemed as bad luck and were usually associated with evil witches in the past. The White Witch was the 'good' witch so the black crow wasn't in the 'good' equation. The truth was, the black crow craved for light. The brighter the light a place was, the better the place for it to dwell. That was why the black crow was drawn to the White Witch since the beginning of its birth. But it would keep its distance from the White Witch because it knew that a dirty being like itself could never be close to a being so pure.
Seeing the White Witch hurting so much, the black crow wanted to turn a blind eye to her and watch the rebellion take place. Whatever the crow might do, it would always be bad luck. So, why bother do a thing? Watching the scene unfold before it would be better.
After many days of rebellion, the crow decided to ask why the White Witch was trying so hard to please the world when there were so many people hurting her in return. The White Witch then explained that she was actually very tired of always shining so brightly due to her impairment. However, what kept her going was her love for her people and furthermore, she believed that there were some people in the world who would appreciate her light, like the black crow.
This is the summary of the story. It is actually a book. A really thick book, consisting 285 pages. Okay, not that thick. But still thick for a story like this. I only managed to read to Mikan till page 11. I probably need to skip some useless parts next time and get to the more interesting parts so Mikan won't get bored listening to my monotonous storytelling. I wonder if she really listened to my storytelling. If she did, she would laugh at my lazy, dull voice.
I'm not an expressive person. Hmmmmmm
Anyway, I'm going to end off here. I will update again tomorrow.
- Natsume
-:-:-:-
01/07/2006, Saturday
Dear Diary
Today, Nogi and Imai visited Mikan. Because they are very busy with school activities, they can only visit the hospital once or twice a week. Since they did not have spring cleaning duties today, they stayed with us slightly longer than usual. Usually, they would stay for an hour before going home in the evening. Sometimes, they would bring flowers and books to read to Mikan like I always do. So, for today, they stayed for four hours. We chatted a little and Imai volunteered to read The White Witch. We are finally at page 64.
Finally. Yay. Another 200+ more pages to go. Hmmmmmmmmm. I think I should summarise the story instead of skipping the useless parts. This is taking way too long.
Imai and Nogi are both worried for her and hoping that she will wake up sooner. Imai always talks about making carrot balls for Mikan, hoping that she would wake up from hearing the name of that food. Are you serious, Imai? I'm sure Mikan doesn't even like it but she had to eat those carrot balls because they were made by her friend and she did not want to make her feel bad. Mikan is this type of person and has always been like this.
Nogi doesn't talk much to Mikan, unlike Imai. Instead, he talks to me a lot. He asked questions about her and our past together. He said that he had taken the same bus as Mikan and had always wanted to be her friend, but he did not know how to approach her. Again, are you serious, Nogi? You spoke so much to me and tried to get close to me when we first got to know each other in class. Yet, you couldn't approach the most approachable girl on the bus?
I realised that my diary entries are getting shorter and shorter. My first entry is the longest so far and my fingers start to ache a little after typing so much and on a regular basis. I probably need to keep my entries shorter for now on.
- Natsume
-:-:-:-
04/07/2006, Tuesday
Dear Diary,
I had decided to tell a different story other than the story about the White Witch. Just a pause on the story for a day. Instead, I chose to rant about my day and my test grades. I have gotten a 'C' grade for English language. My grammar is terrible. I don't understand this superlative thing. For example: big, bigger and biggest; short, shorter and shortest; dark, darker and darkest. Those with -er mean that there are slightly more amount than what the first word represents, and those with -est are like the most. So, I used this concept for everything. And I have gotten half of this grammar section wrong. My teacher even wrote a remark next to my answer 'beautifulest': Awesomest answer!
I don't know what 'awesomest' means but I think it is a bad word. It probably meant 'wrong' in the extreme way because there is a '-est' behind. Since it is English, no one will understand unless we students check it out in the dictionary. Anyway, I guess I need more practice on grammar. The only thing which I am happy about is my vocabulary. I was able to name the objects and colours. However, I made a mistake for that section. I spelled 'lollipop' as 'loripoop'.
I have a 'B' grade for Biology. For the first time, I have gotten a grade other than an 'A' for a science subject. I don't know how to face my parents if they find out about the grades. I'm planning to keep the test papers in my bag till my teacher asks for them to check for my parent's signature, then obviously, she will call my mother to come down to school to get the papers signed. I will definitely be scolded even if I show them the test papers now. Oh well.
So, those were my rants and worries of the day. If Mikan were fine, she would have forced me to show my test papers to my parents regardless of my grades. Maybe she would say 'don't be a naughty kid, hiding your test papers from your parents is childish'. Argh. I just admitted to myself that I am childish.
Basically, I have been talking to Mikan everyday. I made sure that I greet and introduce myself to her when I entered the ward. I don't even know if she could recognise my voice. Because she may not remember a thing when she wakes up but since I speak to her everyday, do you think she can hear my voice and remember me?
Will she wake up one day and say "good morning, Natsume" like she always did?
- Natsume
-:-:-:-
13/07/2006, Thursday
Dear Diary,
Mikan's condition hasn't improved. She is still sleeping. Remembering the first day when she was admitted to the hospital, her first operation was not successful and she had lost a lot of blood. Her first operation lasted for 8 hours. After transfusing blood into her body, she underwent another 6 hours of surgery. It was an anxious wait and all I prayed was for good news. Finally, thank God, the second operation was a success but the doctor said that she would be in a coma and would probably wake up either disoriented or not remembering things.
Today, I stopped at page 113 of 'The White Witch'. I read only 5 pages for today. Yesterday, Imai read 14 pages straight without pausing to take a drink. I asked Nogi if he ever wanted to help reading out the book and he said no. He refused to read the book and questioned me why I even chose such a thick book. He said that there was an online summarised version for kids. You don't understand, Nogi. Not like I want to read such a thick book either. But this book is so meaningful and it motivates me to read her a few pages everyday, in hope that she would never forget me. I want her to wake up remembering me. Even if she couldn't remember my face, at least remembering my voice is enough.
- Natsume
-:-:-:-
23/7/2006, Sunday
Dear Diary,
Imai read another 20 pages of the book again. Finally, we're at page 177.
Nogi brought rabbit-shaped buns for the three of us to eat. He said that his mother made them and she added yam paste as filling. They were delicious. On the other hand, Imai brought along her carrot balls (new recipe - fried carrot balls) and attempted to share one with me. She knew I would reject her normal carrot balls because I said that I didn't like carrots before. So, she fried the carrot balls with corn flour. She then lied that they were fried fishballs but I just knew that they weren't. As if she had the time to make fishballs.
I ate that carrot ball anyway. It was absolutely tasteless. I wonder how Mikan could even eat one or two of those carrot balls everyday. I wonder how bad Imai's tastebuds are to even savour such plain cooked carrots. Carrots are tasty when they are eaten raw or half-cooked. Really. They are sweeter this way. Boiled carrots are even tastier when coated with tomato sauce.
- Natsume
-:-:-:-
27/7/2006, Thursday
Dear Diary,
I feel like throwing myself into sea and pretend that my tears were just seawater which just entered and stung my eyes. It has already been 2 months and Mikan hasn't woken up yet. We have reached 200 pages of that thick book and have 85 more pages to go. Here's an expectation: the book may be finished in two weeks time, given that I read at least 5 pages a day while Imai read at least 20 pages a week. She crazily reads 10 to 15 pages during each visit. Doesn't her mouth get tired?
But there's something I can't expect; I don't know when Mikan will wake up. Her heart rate seemed fine: approximately 62 BPM based on the heart rate machine next to her bed. Actually, I don't know if it is really fine.
Her fingers are always cold when I touched them. Oh, but sometimes, I would feel her fingers twitch under my palm. Again, I don't know if she could actually sense my touch or if it is just an involuntary muscle-twitch of her fingers.
There are so many things I don't know anymore. Things are so easy when there's an expectation. When the expectation is unclear, I honestly don't know what to expect anymore but cry to God for help.
- Natsume
-:-:-:-
2/8/2006, Wednesday
Dear Diary,
Keeping this short and sweet.
No news. The nurse just said that she was surprised to see how determined I was to finish reading the book. She was even surprised to see a person who is willing to spend his evenings with his comatose friend. Furthermore, due to my weak lungs, I shouldn't be spending time in the hospital, she noted. Duh, I know. I always avoided hospital unless I fall ill. But I wear a mask during my visit and drink warm milk every morning, so I would be fine.
By the way, 46 more pages to go.
- Natsume
-:-:-:-
7/8/2006, Monday
Dear Diary,
First day of the school week is often weary. Monday blues, they call it. I felt sick suddenly during History lesson and left school for home to rest. I am too weak to visit the hospital. I'm so sorry, Mikan.
- Natsume
-:-:-:-
9/8/2006, Wednesday
Dear Diary,
This entry will marked the end of everything. Too tired to write diaries.
Anyway, I'm finally better. I didn't attend school today because I am still on medical leave. However, my parents received a piece of news today. My parents rushed me to the hospital as soon as I woke up lazily in the morning. I hadn't visited Mikan for two days and didn't plan to do so today. I felt bad but I think Mikan would understand that I was too sick to pay her a visit.
I wasn't informed as to why my parents rushed me to the hospital. I told them that I was fine but later, it turned out that it wasn't me who had to see the doctor but it was Mikan who had to see a brain specialist for some MRI scanning procedure. I was scared upon hearing this. Did something happen to Mikan while I was away? Would she really lose all her memories? I didn't know what was happening to see my parents getting so worked up early in morning. They did not even say much to me either and that was indeed frustrating. The journey to the hospital was suspenseful.
When we reached the hospital, I put on a mask and a pair of surgical gloves for health reasons. Then, my parents took me to a ward. A small single ward. And there, on the bed, lay Mikan with tubes sticking out of her arms, wrists and nostrils. The heart rate machine was beeping away at the rate of 65 BPM. All those while, Mikan was in the mixed ward with three other female teenagers inside. For her to suddenly shift to a single ward, I really thought something might have happened to her and I nearly broke down. More like feeling my heart tear into pieces.
I just stayed by the entrance, trembling slightly. She was beautiful despite being in the plain pink patient gown, I thought to myself. She has travelled miles into the hearts of many people despite being legless. She has shone ever so brightly into my life that I couldn't bear to see her lose that radiance if she really lost her memory.
As I was hesitating to move into the ward any further, Mikan slowly opened her eyes and crooked her head a little to face towards our direction. Her brown eyes were staring straight into mine. No excitement. No happiness. No sadness. No anger. Her eyes totally reflected a blank space. This was when I managed to get myself together and muttered her name out loud, trying to sound relief. It was okay if she could not remember me but at least, she was alive and awake. This was what I mentally comforted myself. We could start anew together.
But Mikan, like always, proved me wrong. She opened her mouth and I could finally hear her voice for the first time in more than two months. I could finally cry in happiness ever since that day when she was admitted to the hospital. It was all because she suddenly smiled at me as if her blank stare earlier was just a hallucination on my part, and she greeted me with:
"Good morning, Natsume."
She said my name. She remembers me. My ever sunshine is back.
Thank God for His grace.
- Natsume
-2014-
I miss you so much, Natsume. I wish you are here, sharing the same interview questions with me and laughing at our funny answers together after everything. Do you know that you are actually my guiding light? If you hadn't stopped me from pushing myself off the stairs ten years ago, I wouldn't be able to fully understand what love is all about. Oh, and there's another thing I haven't told you for the longest time. I could hear your voice. Although you didn't finish reading the book, I could tell that it was a wonderful story. So, I secretly borrowed and read the book from the beginning to the end. The White Witch reminds me of you while the black crow is more like me. It was no doubt that you are my sunshine all along. Thank you for being in my life.
"Hello, Miss Sakura. It has been a year since our last interview."
"Ah, yes. Previously, it was a separate interview. You interviewed me in this same room... I guess? While another person interviewed Natsume."
"It was fun talking to you. How's life so far?"
"Quite good. I'm currently working as a school counselor. I am new to this job so there were ups and downs at first but I have learnt to cope with them. As you can see, being a counselor wasn't my cup of tea. I didn't really think I could counsel people. But Natsume told me to go for this degree programme and be someone else's sunshine. He believed in me and I didn't want to disappoint him. He also said that it was his dream to be the light for others who were trapped in darkness. So, we studied the same programme together but in the end... I was the only one who became a practicing counselor."
"It must have been hard on you."
"It's okay. It has already been... seven months. No matter how far he is from me, Natsume will always be there for me."
In my heart, that is.
Till we meet again in afterlife.
- I may be two limbs lesser than others,
but I have a pair of limbs which can carry me up
the highest mountain... and that's you. -
~ Fin ~
Thank you for the wonderful reviews, follows and favourites. This story has finally ended after so long and I hope you all enjoy it. See you all again! Best regards, Crimson Knights :)