Author's note: I wrote this before season 4 aired. No mention of Intro to Knots... or anything involving the 4th season is involved.

For Elsiesnuffin

"And we'll have the hap- hap- happiest Christmas sing Bing Crosby danced with Fred Freaken Estare! Hallelujah! Holy Shit! Where's the Jack Daniels!?"

Jeff stormed off, vaguely hearing Abed muttering something about him misquoting Christmas Vacation but he didn't give a Holiday Rat's Ass. This year was going to be different. This year was going to be good. This year he actually didn't fight Shirley or Abed in their attempts to get the Study Group together for an old fashioned Christmas. There weren't going to be any fist fights, no claymation inspired mental episodes, and no acid trips from dark recesses of Ryan Murphy's fever dreams.

So it was really only fitting that the one time Jeff didn't go kicking and screaming into Christmas oblivion, was the time that it all managed to go to Hell for the simple fact that nothing sucked more than Christmas and all the attempts to make it special just made it all worse. That was the goddamned lesson of the past three Christmases and he was the only one that could see it.

Hell, even Britta of all people, now that she was dating Troy, was sinking into the Christmas pit. Before the evening turned into something out of a disaster movie, he caught her not only stealing a bit of mistletoe from the dean's Christmas outfit, but actually humming 'Baby it's cold outside'; which would have been bad enough if she hadn't been completely off key.

A bit of siding fell off from the entryway as Jeff walked through one of the many hallways in Hawthorne Manor; a testament to how horrible the night had gone. Jeff had no doubt that once everyone else realized the holiday was over, he would get the blame.

Which was of course completely unfair. He didn't invite half the student body to Pierce's house for Christmas! Abed did. He didn't encourage the other half that wasn't invited to come anyway. Pierce did! He didn't get them all snowed in because of a freak blizzard that came out of no where. That was God, or the weatherman; or whoever! The point was it wasn't him!

And yes, he had a bit of a meltdown. But all of that was perfectly understandable. Given the fact that the roads being closed meant he would be spending the night at Pierce's Scooby Doo-esque mansion and not at a bar getting holiday McCallen Neat's. Or the fact that the dean chose that time to announce that the semester which already started late, would be cut short due to problems with Greendale's blazingly incompetent board.

All of that, combined justified every one of Jeff's following actions, including the shouting matches, the knocking over of the Christmas tree, and the over turning of the table holding every conceivable kind of Christmas cookie known to man.

Jeff reached a laundry room and noticed a water cooler in the corner. He'd already apparently hit on some of Christmas Vacation, maybe he should really commit to it; though he'd need a chainsaw for that. Either way he crossed the room, filled up a cup of water and took a sip as he stared out the window. His eyes narrowed at the flurries of white snow against the black sky. So much for the damn forecast of clear skies.

After another sip he tossed the paper cup at the wastebasket and missed entirely. Not bothering to pick it up, he turned around and stopped in his tracks. His entire study group stood there in the entryway. Their looks varied from stern, to pissed, to even slightly empathetic.

"What are you guys looking at?" he wiped his lips with the back of his hand. "I couldn't find the liquor cabinet."

"It's in the parlor down the-" Pierce started but Britta elbowed him in the stomach.

"Don't tell him where he can get booze! The last thing we need is to add him getting drunk to this mess!" she said.

"At least that would have been an excuse for the way he behaved!" Annie glared at him. "The Dean is still crying!"

"Good!" Jeff snapped. "You should all be crowding around him and making him feel bad for screwing up, yet again, another semester."

"You need to fix this Jeffery," Shirley said. "We're all upset about everything that happened but you don't see us carrying about and running riot like a bunch of Christmas hating…" she glanced over at the rest of the group and took a breath. "… Grinches…"

"Hey!" Pierce said. "That's racist!"

Jeff just rolled his eyes and started toward the door. The study group didn't budge so he tried going to the side but Shirley blocked that way. He moved to the other side and the group tightened that way too with Troy blocking that entrance too.

"You're not leaving until you agree to help us fix Christmas!" Annie said.

"Fix Christmas?" Jeff turned at her. "Annie, there's no way to 'fix' Christmas! Duncan had it right two years ago! We all put too much meaning into it and it lets us down. Every year like clockwork!"

"Every single Christmas we've had at Greendale has been magical!" Annie snapped back. "It just got a little bit rough at the start!"

"It got magical because we decided to pretend that it wasn't horrible. Well I'm tired of make believing! I'm going to the room Pierce said I could have before my rant and I'm going to sleep this holiday the hell off!"

"I believe what he's trying to say…" Abed jumped in. "…is bah-humbug!"

"Yes Abed, I'm Scrooge now, because trying to get out of a bad situation that actively dumps on you is exactly like being a Victorian Miser."

"Jeff," Abed said. "We're doing this for your own good. If you go off by yourself with that kind of attitude something horrible is bound to happen to convince you that Christmas is worth celebrating. Do I really need to quote every Christmas Special ever?"

Without responding Jeff tried to fake left and then right in an attempt to get, by. When that didn't work he cupped an ear and widened his eyes dramatically.

"Wait a minute? Guys? Do you hear that? I think I hear sleigh bells!"

"What?!" Troy said and looked around, providing just the distraction Jeff needed to plow past him.

Once clear Jeff took long strides that he knew only Abed would be able to keep up with. After a few seconds he glanced over his shoulder to see them all glaring at him, but not following. Troy particularly looked hurt, even on the verge of tears.

"Fine!" he shouted. "Go ahead and leave! But you better learn your Christmas lesson fast! This is the first year I'm 'observing' Christmas and I don't want to wait until your heart grows three sizes before I can open my presents!"

"Jeffery!" Shirley shouted. "If you walk out now don't bother joining us tomorrow morning! Because we will ignore you!"

"Yeah!" Britta said. "Thanks for ruining Christmas!"

Jeff turned to flip them off but his eyes caught Annie's, rimmed red, just like Troy's. But he had been around her enough to know that it was more out of near rage than out of sadness. He tightened his jaw and took the corner. He didn't care what she or Abed, or any of them thought at this point. If he had to play the role of Scrooge to get away from this, then so be it, Bah humbug!

If it weren't for garish frilly bedspread, or the creepy mirror set up right above him, Jeff would have thought the four poster bed was exactly where he wanted to sleep.

At least in the dark room he could barely make out the aura of 'pink' that surrounded him. Pierce called it the Pink Room for obvious reasons. Pink carpet, pink wallpaper, a pink fireplace complete with pink stocking on the mantle; there was even a pink cd player that only had a pink cd of Pink.

Of course of all the rooms Pierce could have put him in, this was the one he chose. Leave it to Pierce to be an even bigger asshat than usual on Christmas Eve of all times.

Jeff stoked the fire and sank down in the pink armchair. Deep down he supposed he deserved it. Part of him still felt bad about everything that happened. Not a big part of him. But he couldn't deny that it existed. Maybe down in the cockles of his heart. If he even knew what the hell a cockle.

His window bumped with another gust of wind and Jeff turned and glared at it, just another reminder that he probably wouldn't get any sleep that night. At least not without getting completely soused. Which he normally wouldn't have a problem with but all he had was the Draino that Pierce called Serbian Whiskey; and the fact that being hung over the next morning would be make things even worse than they already promised to be.

After his fingers got nice and toasty, Jeff sat back and closed his eyes. He could already hear them all yelling at him and telling him how he was the worst, or that he Britta'd Christmas or even kicking him out of the group.

In the end he knew those wouldn't matter. The group would always forgive him, or at least bring him back into the group. He deserved that much at least didn't he? He'd lost track of how many times Annie had gone to bat for Pierce when he did things just as bad as knocking over a fifteen foot Christmas tree and possibly hitting Vicki with it. It would explain why Neil freaked out and tried to attack him, thus ending up smashing into the Nativity display.

Jeff pushed those thoughts out of his mind and managed to actually yawn. He reached down to the floor, just to the left of his armrest and scooped up the Pierce's bottle of Serbian swill. He downed a mouthful then clenched his eyes tightly when it burned its way to his stomach.

With that 'warming' experience to lull him to sleep, Jeff relaxed his eyes and sank deeper into the chair. Trying as hard as he could to fight way the hurt expressions he could still see on the faces of his friends when he stormed out of the laundry room. He hated it but he was so entirely sick and tired of all the fighting and of all the ruined Christmases. The bottle slipped from his fingers and clattered on the floor as he drifted to sleep.

The sound of someone stoking the fire woke him up. He could hear the poker dragging across burnt logs before the small 'clink' let him know that it had been put back in place. He worked on getting his eyes open while he heard his visitor sink into the chair across from him. With any luck it would be Annie or Britta, but he knew it would probably be Pierce.

Then he opened his eyes and stared into the face of a ghost.

"Winger," the ghost said and Jeff's eyes widened as he tried to deny what he was seeing. "Calm down Winger!"

"You're dead! Starburns… you're dead!"

"I know," Starburns tipped his top hat and sat back in his seat. "Dead and loving it!"

"This is impossible!" Jeff dug his heels onto the floor so he could get up and… run… fight? He wasn't sure which at this point. "We had a funeral! Abed has your ashes! There's a memorial plaque for you right next to the Luis Guzman statue!"

"Isn't it great?" Starburns sat forward with his hands on his knees. "I mean I knew that my death would tear apart the school but damned if you guys didn't go about it literally! Thanks for that Winger!"

Jeff shook his head and then rubbed his eyes. It was really him, it was really Starburns! Top hat, curly hair, groddy vest, and star shaped burns. Everything! But this was… Jeff still had the Starburns Tribute dvd Abed made! There had to be a logical explanation…then he looked down at the now empty bottle of Serbian Whiskey and the rather large burn mark it left on the floor when it spilled out.

"Wait… am I dead?" Jeff tightened his fingers on the armrest. It all made sense. He poisoned himself with that damn whiskey and died in the Pink Room and on Christmas Eve, how pathetic was that?

"Funny you should mention that," Starburns said. "You see the thing about being dead is that suddenly everyone finally appreciates you."

"No…" Jeff narrowed his eyes. He could feel his heart beating, he could feel the heat from the fire, and now that his senses were coming back to him, he certainly could see that Starburns was doing the same thing. "… Ok what the hell is going on here Starburns? You're alive!"

"Wrong," Starburns held up a finger. "I'm dead. The death certificate is signed and sealed and now everybody loves me again and the cops can't catch a deadman."

"I should have figured," Jeff said. "You faked your death and we all bought it hook line and sinker. Something's really are too good to be true."

"Now that..." Starburns said as he leaned to the side, just enough to retrieve a joint from his pocket. "...Isn't a very nice way to talk about the guy that's here to offer you the opportunity of two lifetimes."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jeff narrowed his eyes.

Starburns got up and held his joint to the fire until he could get a smoking ember. Then he leaned against the mantle and took a nice long puff. "I came back to Greendale about a month ago, and I've been watching both you and your little… study group. And I have to say Winger, I can empathize."

Jeff remained seated but glanced toward the door. The novelty of Starburns living and breathing was already wearing thin, he never liked the guy before and he especially didn't like the guy lighting up in his room. The last thing he needed was Shirley getting on him for smoking pot.

"See, that's what I'm talking about," Starburns said. "You're worried right now that your study group is going to get in a tizzy over one thing or another. And something you're not even to blame for. That seems to be your bag these days Winger. You go on living your life, trying to make these people happy. And do they ever appreciate it? No. Instead they make you the bad guy and constantly act like you're a douchebag."

In spite of himself Jeff leaned back and studied Starburns. The former Greendale student took another drag and smiled knowingly; Like Sylvester with a mouth full of Tweety. He couldn't decide if it was nice to see that Starburns really could empathize or creepy beyond belief that Starburns had watched him enough to know those things.

"In my 'past life', I was just like you Winger," Starburns went on. "I had my own click and I had my customers, and I tried to make everyone happy, and you know what I got for my effort? A whole lot of getting dumped on. I became a joke, nobody even called me by my name anymore, I was either Starburns, or Top hat guy, or Lizardstarhatburns. But never Alex. And then I was sold out to the cops. Nobody appreciated what I brought to the school. So then I had an idea…"

"You pretended to die in a meth lab explosion," Jeff said.

"Exactly!" Starburns jabbed a finger his way. "I thought, 'why be shackled by these chains I'm wearing now?' and you know what Winger? It worked. In life I was a joke, but in death I'm a legend! Starburns will never die! And the best part is I can see all the people that never gave me my due talk about 'Oh, this was Starburns favorite place to sell drugs.' Or 'Hey, remember that time that that blonde girl from Winger's study group made out with Starburns?' I'm a God!"

"Okay," Jeff stood up. "It's really great and all that you enjoy seeing people like you better when you're dead but I'm not one of them. So why don't you shove off and let me go back to sleep?"

"Because I want to offer you the same thing I got," Starburns said. "That study group you have? Those 'friends' of yours? You're the one that got them all together and now they stand around demanding things from you? Never appreciating you, leeching off you coolness! Or at least what you think is cool. You don't deserve that Winger, so why not give them what's coming to them and take that respect."

"You want to help me fake my death?"

"Think about it Winger, a fresh start, and all the love you know you're due!"

Jeff rolled his eyes. He really couldn't believe he was hearing this.

"Starburns, I've gone to this crappy school for three and a half years to get my degree. All so I could go back to being a lawyer. You think I'm just going to duck out at the end because I'm fighting with my study group?"

"I think that once you realize that the new you can be literally anybody, you're not going to care about that degree, assuming you even get it. I heard what the dean said. 'A shortened year'. 'May not graduate'. Seems like Greendale is doing a fine job of keeping you from your goal by itself."

Without realizing it, Jeff swore under his breath. How the hell did Starburns keep managing to make good points!? This wasn't the way of things! Before the guy faked his own death he was nothing but the obtuse, grimy, gimmicky version of Jeff Winger! Now he was making a credible case for dying!

"Look," Starburns said. "All I'm saying is to think about it. I feel for you man, I really do. You probably like those people, hell I know you like the blonde and the brunette! But they don't seem to like you all that much and this way you can make them realize how much they really are missing out on."

Nearly every instinct was yelling at Jeff to tell Starburns to go plug the hole he crawled out of, but at the same time he could still see the way they all looked at him when he left. He could still remember all the times they threatened to kick him out or actually did kick him out when they were the ones being completely unfair.

In the end he answered the only way he could.

"I'm not saying yes," He approached Starburns. "But I'm not saying no either. You want me to consider it, I will, but first I want to know what's in it for you?"

"Can't a dead guy just want to help another guy out?"

"Sure, but not you. What do you get out of it?"

"Well…" Starburns said. "I'm going to be the one helping you pull this off. I would expect to get paid for my services."

"What? People don't trust a dead drug dealer?"

"No, they just don't trust one they don't know," Starburns said. "But we'll talk about my fee later. Here's what we'll do. I got three guys. They helped me fake my death and build my new identity. They'll each meet with you tonight, they'll tell you all you need to know about creating your new identity's past, how to survive as a new man in the present, and how to fake your death so none of those ingrates come looking for you in the future. When they're done you can decide if you want to go through with it and we'll fake kill you then and there."

"Wait…" Jeff said. "Tonight? I'm supposed to decide if I want to fake my death tonight? That's a little short notice don't you think?"

"I'm only in town for this last night," Starburns shrugged then grabbed a nearby pink, porcelain figurine of a kitten and stuffed it in his pocket. "So it's gotta be tonight. Think of it as a Dickens' Special."

Jeff shook his head then sniffed the air. Maybe they were pumping monkey gas into his room and he was hallucinating again. That might explain how completely insane and stupid this all seemed. But Starburns started toward the door, apparently thinking he'd sold Jeff on the idea.

"Just think about how much you hate your life is now," Starburns grabbed the doorknob. "And think that it doesn't have to be this way."

"Sure," Jeff said, grabbing the poker and pushing some logs around with it. "Whatever you say Starburns."

"I'd say my name is Alex, but that's not true anymore. It's Stompy Von Asskick. Later Winger."

The door clapped shut and Jeff finished with the fire before facing the door and empty room around it. No evidence that Starburns was ever really there or that their stupid conversation ever took place. Except… except one thing…

There, in the middle of the floor, sat Starburns top hat. As if he left it so Jeff wouldn't doubt that the entire exchange actually took place. Jeff rolled his eyes, took a few steps backward, then plopped down on the four poster bed.

In spite of it being pink and frilly, Jeff could already feel sleep creeping back into his eyes. He reached up and fumbled about until he caught the cord attached to the curtains. With a sharp tug he drew he curtains around the bed and just as swiftly he fell fast asleep, dreaming of a new life.