Chapter 16: défier- To challenge

AN- FIRST OF ALL: Congratulations to wolfntheif for being the 100th person to review this story. Thank you so much to all the people who follow, favorite, and review this. I honestly can't believe my little pet project that I forget to work on has this much love. I need to be nicer to you guys with more updates right?

NOW:

Okay so that break was longer than a month. A lot longer. Like half a year longer. I'm so sorry. Netflix got rid of Doctor Who, so I couldn't get myself "back in the world" so to speak. I lost motivation for this story, and writing in general. I've had a zillion health problems with my horse (he's fine now) work multiple jobs, take classes over the summer, and in july decided to do the summer version of national novel writing month. Goodbye sleep. BUT after focusing on my next novel for all of July I'm in super-writer mode. I've been trying to write every day. And, despite the fact that he's a major distraction from writing, you all have my horse to thank for this chapter and this story being saved from dying a long slow death of unfinished-ness. Because you see, I was sitting there, brushing my horse who was taking a nap, and thinking about writing. And then I thought about how I had no idea what to do with this story and didn't want to write it. And then, out of nowhere inspiration struck like a lightning bolt. I scribbled down four pages worth of scenes, sketched out a plot for the next three chapters, and have finally decided what to do with this story. You all owe my horse big time.

Disclaimer:

So. Time to dive back into the world of Kousa, the Doctor, and Jack (see what I did there?) Location: TARDIS, somewhere unknown. Status: brilliantly absurd. Any questions? Do I own Doctor Who or any of the characters mentioned in this story? If you recognize them probably not. Do I own lots of tea and coffee? Yes. Can you have some? No. That's my writing fuel. Anyways, back to the story.

The Doctor directed the TARDIS into the time vortex to just rest and wait for a while. Knowing his track record, landing literally anywhere in time and space was likely to involve some sort of danger, and he couldn't take that risk with Kousa still in an unknown condition. Suddenly more tired than he had been in a very long time, the Doctor made sure the TARDIS was stable, despite her reassuring hum in his mind, and stumbled off to the infirmary. He knew Jack was quietly following behind, but at least the immortal man had the sense to stay quiet. With Kousa unconscious the constant nag at his senses that Jack was 'wrong' was more present, but the instinctual urge to runrunrunabominationrun was dulled enough that he could look past it to see Jack.

"Doctor, you need to rest. I know you don't sleep as much as us humans do, but you look like the walking dead. And as much as I appreciate that show, it's not a good look for you," Jack tried to sound flippant, but there was real worry buried in the words.

"I don't need to sleep for another two days at least, and I'm just going to keep an eye on Kousa. Someone needs to monitor her," he replied, slipping into the room and looking at the readouts of medical information continuously flowing on the screens the TARDIS provided. She gave a brief, offended prod inside his mind, she would keep an eye on Kousa of course, but the Doctor ignored it and sat down in the chair next to the bed Kousa was strapped onto. As much as he had hated restraining her, the Doctor couldn't take the risk of Kousa waking up, panicking, and thrashing until she did more damage to herself. Jack sat down across from him, and the two silently agreed to alternate shifts watching her, an arrangement that lasted three days until she woke up.

Doctor? Kousa's soft voice, once so strange and mysterious, was a relief inside the minds of both men. Jack was the one seated beside her, and he rested a hand on her shoulder, fingers stroking her coat.

"It's Jack, the Doctor's in the console room, coping with your injuries by messing with the TARDIS," he started, but was cut off when the door to the med bay practically slammed open at the Doctor launching himself inside.

"Kousa! You're awake!" he practically cheered. Jack couldn't even mock him, his own face split in a grin. He watched the pair for a moment, the Doctor grinning ear to ear and Kousa with her so-familiar hazel eyes just staring at each other, and he knew. Even if the Doctor was being stubborn and cautious, and even if none of it made sense, there were no other two people who had ever looked at each other that way.

"Don't mind me over here, I'm just the one who saved your life," Jack said with a cavalier lopsided grin, bringing the pair's minds back to Earth, well, the TARDIS. Kousa turned her eerie gaze on him.

Oh. I didn't know, I think I had already been knocked unconscious by then. Thank you Jack, I… I'm sorry I went down there at all. You warned me, and I thought I knew better, and I almost got… Myself, and the Doctor, and anyone else who was down there killed. I should have known better than to be so naïve. I know not all alien species are friendly, I shouldn't have listened to it, Kousa's voice was steady, and the Doctor had begun removing the restraints while she spoke despite Jack's disapproving glare, but the fact that the normally bouncy, energetic wolf didn't even attempt to move was telling.

"It's okay. I'm just glad I was able to get there in time," Jack sighed, trying not to think about Kousa lying so still and unmoving in a pool of her own blood. Even if the wolf somehow turned out not to be Rose, even not having known her that long, he really did see the compassionate, Rose-like spirit that drove the Doctor to be so protective and enthusiastic about her as a companion.

"I don't think I've thanked you either, Jack. I'm sure I could have chased off the Weevil-the Diedian somehow. Probably," the Doctor spared half a glance at Jack's eye roll, "but I don't know if Kousa would have survived with that extra gap before getting her to the TARDIS for medical care. So thank you." Jack just smiled. What was the need for credit when his friends were alive and they were all together at last?

"Kousa, what do you remember?" Jack asked, not wanting to break the happy atmosphere, but knowing that if he didn't ask no one would, and that this was something they needed to get past. He flinched internally and guilt washed over him when Kousa closed her eyes as though in pain and the Doctor shot him a glare.

I killed them all. Wyrvic was right. I'm a murderer- I remember a light, and screams, and burning and it was my fault, I-

"Stop. Whatever you've done it was for a reason. Sometimes…" the Doctor swallowed, and Jack saw a haunted, distant look come into his eyes. "sometimes the decision to make sacrifices for the greater good comes down to one person. War is a terrible thing, and we make terrible decisions, but it doesn't make you a terrible person Kousa. I can't believe that about you, and until you learn about your past and who you truly were, just remember who you are now," his voice was soft, and despite Kousa's skeptical expression, she said nothing to contradict him, probably desperate for his reassurance. Jack wanted to believe in the Doctor's words, but another part of him was calling for further questioning of Kousa, especially after her own admission. He might not like Weevils, but genocide was a far cry from hunting down those harming people. Yet in the face of her distraught expression and the wavering, tentative silence in the room, the revelations shared by Mickey, and the suspicions niggling in his and the Doctor's minds, he couldn't push her any further.

"It's okay, Kousa. You just recover, and we'll look for answers after," Jack said at last, exchanging a glance with the Doctor who looked relieved.

'Kay. Kousa's mental voice was quiet and tired, and Jack was sure she had already exhausted her limited energy. He was proved right when her breathing slowed once again and the Doctor stood up.

"She's asleep. She's been through a lot and that little bit of interaction wore her out. It'll be a few days before she can stay awake much longer. And Jack," the Doctor faced him now, face unusually blank and serious, and Jack waited. "Thank you. Regardless of who Kousa is, thank you for helping her and being kind to her." Jack simply nodded, and the two shared genuine smiles for the first time in what felt like ages.

She could never stay awake for very long. Even just talking without lifting her head was exhausting, and Jack and the Doctor made sure to visit in short bursts, speaking of lighter matters than the half-recalled memories echoing in her head and the events that had landed her in this situation in the first place. She'd be offended at the coddling if she had the energy to even feel annoyed. As it was, she didn't know if she could handle anything more than light chatter. A few days of intermittent waking and sleeping and painkillers wearing off to the point that everything hurt and then washing away in blissful numbness once more and she was able to stay awake for longer. She was still injured and unable to move, and it was one such day when she began to doze off that Jack and the Doctor began speaking before leaving her room. Bored, and curious as to what they were talking about, she focused in on their words and just as she had once before, heightened her hearing to listen to their words as clearly as if they were speaking in normal tones right beside her.

"When are you going to tell her what we learned?" Jack's voice came across first.

"We haven't learned anything, it would be worse to give her incomplete pieces," the Doctor replied, in an attempt to sound dismissive despite the undercurrent of anxiety in his tone.

"Doctor, she's confused, and scared of herself, and lost. I know you're still uncertain about the whole Rose thing-"

"What am I supposed to tell her? That there's the possibility she's a previous companion of mine, someone I- someone transformed into a wolf with her memory erased, who arrived here inexplicably from a parallel universe? I'm sure that wouldn't terrify Kousa at all," the Doctor's voice was sarcastic and cold in a way Kousa hadn't heard before, and her mind spun at the revelations. Whoever she was, whatever had happened, the Doctor seemed to think he knew her before. She didn't get a chance to reflect on her shock and hope as Jack cut in.

"It's not your decision! She obviously has some memories trickling through, the light and the scene she recalled to us when she first woke up fits with what Mickey saw, and you said yourself it seems like she came through the Void with the Weevil." Kousa tried to focus on his words, but for the moment her thoughts were drowned out repeating the name Mickey. The color brown, eyes, skin, and hair, warm and friendly rose in her mind. She knew him, whoever he was, and was suddenly overwhelmed in a rush of fear. She had no idea what was happening to her, she obviously had a life- possibly a human life- before this, and all she had was confusing snippets and the memory of fear and pain. How did she get that life back? Could she? Did she even want to? Staying still and not reacting was becoming harder and harder as the fear rose up within Kousa's mind. She struggled to refocus on the conversation at the edge of the med bay room, hoping for a distraction despite her hesitance at what she would learn next.

"-don't know how to fix her, even if you're right what do we do with that? Cross our fingers and hope she somehow turns back? Should we even try to prompt her memories beforehand? What if her memories come back but she doesn't? Do you have any idea how that would feel, realizing you're the wrong species, waking up inside another body… it's bad enough for Time Lords when we regenerate. The disorientation and differences take days to acclimate to for me, and I was raised to expect it. A human going through that process would be, well I don't know, it's never been done before, but I can tell you losing your identity like that changes you. I don't want her hurt," the Doctor's voice was tense and Jack grumbled in response.

"Do you really think Rose would want you to withhold her own identity from her?"

"We don't even know that it's her!" the Doctor snapped back, tempers rising and making Kousa increasingly uncomfortable. Should she tip them off so they just stopped fighting?

"We keep having this same argument, Doctor, and your answers always come back to the same damn thing: you're scared" Jack snapped, voice full of frustration and scorn, loud enough that she could have heard it clearly even without her expanded senses. As it was, she fought back a flinch at the volume and attempted to dial back her auditory abilities. There was silence in response, and a long pause before Jack must have realized he wasn't getting a rebuttal. "You need to tell her, it's not fair. I want to give you the chance to talk to her, but if you keep her in the dark I'll do it myself. It's obviously not protecting her any, after what happened with the Weevils." Silence. Kousa almost thought they'd stopped and felt herself begin to drift off once more, before a harsh sigh caught her attention again. She fought to keep her ears from twitching in the direction of the sound.

"I know. You're right, she needs to be told. I just… give her time to heal. Give me time to sort it out myself. At least until she's feeling better. This is a lot to dump on her when she's already under so much pressure. The poor girl's already drowning in guilt and needs to recover." The Doctor's voice was resigned, pained, and Kousa felt her heart clench. As much as she appreciated Jack's confidence in her, and his desire to be honest, he was right. He was so, so right- it was too much, she wished she'd just fallen asleep like they thought and never heard any of this conversation. How was she supposed to take all of this information and just pretend she'd never learned all… that. She was human, from a parallel universe, and had traveled with the Doctor before. More and more pieces, shards of memory and tugging instinct in her mind began to swirl together, as the conversations she kept conveniently overhearing began to make sense. There was a sense of finality as she struggled to come to grips with the revelations. She was Rose, human, traveled with the Doctor, was… somewhere else, lost, and then was back here, as Kousa. A wolf, or something of the sort. A wave of exhaustion swept over Kousa- she couldn't quite think of herself as this Rose, this stranger, quite yet, despite the sense of rightness that came along with the thought. And then a splitting headache, coupled with the sense of heat, warmth, light, and gold in her head swept her back into unconsciousness.

AN- This chapter was rough. Somehow Jack stole the show, and I have NO idea how to write from Jack's POV. Plus I'm having a hard time getting back into this story. This is a filler, and the pacing is off, and I'm not sure I've quite got the characters back yet. I'm feeling three, maybe four more chapters to go, and I'm just hoping I can get back the confidence I had with this story when I started it. Kousa's having a rough time, the Doctor is worried and stressed, and Jack is wondering just what he's gotten himself into. And the TARDIS has her own agenda.

We are going to be jumping back into the actual show next episo- chapter. Next chapter. So, put on your thinking caps (or wizard hats, baseball caps, cyberman heads, etc) and take guesses on where our cast of characters will be going and what they will be doing.

Seeing as I actually know what I WANT for the next chapter, you can expect an update within a month or so. I want to get the next two chapters finished and out before full time classes get crazy again, but I need to rewatch some episodes first before I have enough information to write the next two… hopefully that piques your interest and gives you something to ponder until the next episode.