Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my recently retained free will, and even then that might be merely a lie….ONTOTHESTORY

Trouble on the Citadel Issue 4: Citadel's Purgatory

"Wait," Fury held out his hand to stop Tali from continuing on with her story. His eyebrows furrowed and his jaw clenched, while his eyes narrowed dangerously on the turian and quarian duo before him. "I just got a report…from a source in Japan…that says a bird-creature with a bad skin condition, a curvy robot, and an existential man with a drone for a head were seen smashing through downtown Tokyo onto of a 'kaiju wannabe'."

He turned to glare venomously at Fin Fang Foom. "They said this Kaiju was tearing through buildings and vehicles alike while stuffing entire squads of the Japanese Defense Initiative down its pants." He then turned an eye to the Citadel Councilors. "They're also saying something about Citadel security forces currently trying to arrest Japanese citizens."

"So that's where the missing missing C-Sec forces went..." muttered Valern while trying to comprehend how a C-Sec battle unit found themselves light years away.

"Fin Fang Foom can explain!" the dragon cried out to deter the horrified expressions that everyone in the room was giving him, and to deflect any potential scandal that would ruin his space celebrity status. "Fin Fang Foom needed warriors to fight off Hollow Dragons Triad boss in his underwear."

"Oh well that explains everything," Stark spoke flatly. "I mean who doesn't have a Triad boss in their pants. Totally natural." Fin Fang Foom held out his giant clawed hand to hush the condensing lady of iron.

"Fin Fang Foom was not done explaining! Fin Fang Foom was forced to stuff triad boss into his underwear because he attacked Fin Fang Foom with his gang."

Stark starred blankly at the dragon for a moment. "Because that's a totally normal course of action for a monster to do: get jumped and exile the threat into your unmentionables so that they can stare at your dragon balls for the remainder of the time they are alive. Truly you are the patron saint of horrible punishments"

"Its is dragon tradition. Xenophobic humans won't get it," Fin Fang Foom defended, quite poorly. Forcing enemies into your pants would probably go over badly if he was honest and admitted it was some kind of weird fetish. And also admitting that he really didn't have balls.

"Racist? Me?" Stark smirked with a devious smile. "Hardly Mr. Dragon. However, considering that you only stick Asians down your pants, I am beginning to wonder if you have certain fetishes…"

Fin Fang Foom felt his jaw slacken as the more facts emerged to paint him in a negative light, facts that could irreparably damage his career as a space chef forever. Did he truly have an Asian pants imprisoning fetish?

"That's beside the point," Captain America stepped in, waving the Iron Lady back off to the side to help the Hulk and Thor try to dislodge the head of Fury's helicarrier from the Tower. "Look, I understand that this has been a stressful day for everyone—especially for you Councilors—but until we figure out everything that happened, there will be no finger pointing."

Everyone agreed that the Captain was the primary source of reason and logic among the humans, so they decided to heed her words without making a fuss. The night had gone on long enough and with far too many digressions.

"Very well," Fin Fang Foom groaned. "Fin will give you the full story on what happened tonight. It all started on Citadel's Purgatory…"

Far too many digressions…

...

Top Floor of the Apex Tower in the Presidium,

Hours ago….

If Fin Fang Foom went back and told himself that live television would someday portray him in a positive light, he would have stuffed future him down his underwear in the past.

He was participating in the biggest cooking reality show that ever graced the Citadel: Citadel's Purgatory! A show so vicious and cutthroat in its competition that a three century veteran of the Krogan scald meat style was reduced to tears when Judge Gorda Ram'eys declared his smoked Varren steak mixed with Pavalan beans as "so goddamn terrible that my non-existent f #$sacks could have made better food," before continuing to destroy the Krogan's self confidence by declaring, thankfully through much network censorship, that "before considering the fact that she doesn't actually have any f #$ing bollocks, one must understand that even theoretical bollocks don't have hands, therefore marking the Krogan's effort as an absolute pile of shit that can be outmatched by a elderly Asari imaginarily teabagging random ingredients she found in the trash."

Then she ended her speech declaring the Genophage the second worst thing to ever happen to the Krogan.

The Krogan left weeping and never came back, and from then on, everyone knew that the stakes were high. But Fin Fang Foom was determined to win. Days turned to nights and nights turned to weeks as Fin Fang Foom worked tirelessly to create the perfect recipes ranging from soup with ingredients so rare that he literally had to kill sea monsters to find the proper parts for the most miniscule changes in smell, to barbequed meats, some from creatures that have only been discovered in the past few days.

Like the days that went by arduously, one by one, his competitors were exiled from the show under the cruel judgment of Ram'sey, but Fin persevered; through harsh words and plates of his hard made food being tossed back in his face for a single lettuce that was out of place, he held on. Reminding himself that he went through rougher times in the past when he used to cook for the Fantastic Four, where the Invisible Woman passive aggressively denounced his creations as unworthy until he finally broke down crying in frustration, Fin Fang Foom swore that no one would ever see tear roll down his scaly face again.

Finally, after months of agonizing struggle, the show, and Fin Fang Foom's efforts were approaching its glorious climax. All that stood between him and his rightful position as the Supreme Chef of the Galaxies was Ram'sey, and that sniveling rat, Fan Lang: a tenacious cook specializing in Chinese delicacies, and holding a great amount of disrespect towards everyone who wasn't him.

They were gathered atop the Apex Tower, a beacon of architectural marvel at the center of the Presidium's market district built like a spear with two transparent edges sticking out, and with a special studio at the very tip. It was a massive room of white marble, and everyone was clad in the finest dress wear, with Fin Fang Foom even taking special attention to shift his humanoid form into something more handsome than normal. He even wore he special purple underwear for the occasion.

Behind them, a cast with floating cameras, sounds, and Omni-boards for on the fly edit. Before them, an entire room of white greatness and two covered plates for ultimate victory. It was time for Fin Fang Foom to achieve his destiny.

"Chefs," Ram'sey announced in her usual tone of mock disinterest. "Bring up your final dishes."

"你等着瞧，死蜥蜴。最后胜利的肯定是俺老子！"Fan Lang hissed in mandarin. Fin Fang Foom hated him for that, and never understood why the stupid human couldn't just get a universal translator installed or take language lessons instead having a Volus translate everything he said. Still, it didn't take a master linguist to understand that the human was one of the "dicks" of the species, and never really meant anything well through his words.

"Fin Fang Foom will beat you, little man," the dragon shot right back with his teeth barred. "And then Fin Fang Foom will put you in his pants."

Fan Lang scowled and stormed off as the volus whispered what the dragon said to him in his ear. Picking up his covered dish and stomping up to the judges, Fan was ready to win this show, for prestige, for family honor, but most of all, for himself.

With a sharp flourish with his hands, Fan Lan yanked off the top lid shielding the greatness of his food from the eyes the judges. He smiled to his hearts content as their eyes widened at the sight of an entirely original dish.

Until Ram'sey's eyes went from a wide expression of shock to a narrowed, calculating squint.

"Human," she ordered, "bring that food over here. I would like to evaluate it. With my tongue."

The Volus whispered the matriarch's desires into the ear of Fan Lang, who nodded and viciously pulled off the lid in an overly flashy manner that knocked the poor Volus over when said action was completed. Eyes in the room widened, gasps were heard, nostrils flared!

And lo and behold, no one knew what the hell the human had cooked.

It was an oddly colored layer of rice that covered a ball of meat and vegetables on the inside, but no one could see beyond the layer of rice so explaining its composition in a visual format would be useless.

And besides, half of Fan Lang shtick was feeding the judges weird crap that failed to match with words other than meat thing with other edible bullshit attached.

"各位厨神们，请尝一口藩家拿手好作。吃完了后我保证您们会感到美味冲天，回味无穷！" declared Fan Lang gleefully, not noticing the fact that his boasts are going untranslated due to the volus's inability to properly translate the idiom that were used.

Narrowing her eyes at the dish, Ram'sey nodded to her fellow judges, a turian named Salous Colius and a drell with a singular name called Krolain, and took the plunge. Burying her teeth deep into the odd ball shaped food on her fork, Ram'sey swirled her tongue around it and took in the taste before swallowing. Her face went blank.

Everyone in the room held their breath as she internally processed her verdict. Salous saw her fury coming before anyone else in the room, but only by a few seconds, as when Ram'sey got pissed, she had more rage than a thousand asari maidens who were denied entrance to their favorite lingerie store.

"THIS F# $# * DISH TASTES LIKE A C# $# S #$$# HOOKERS V#$ #$ #$ THAT A BATARIAN JUST PISSED IN!" declared Ram'sey with all the restraint she failed to muster. Audible beeps were emitted at deafening frequencies from floating camera drones to cover up the curses to horrible to bear.

The cringing began as anyone who possessed ears covered them while Ram'sey launched into the most furious, venomous monologue of emotional destruction she had ever mustered; she sounded like Quicksilver mashing his fingers into an electronic doorbell but also if that doorbell would eventually cry.

"YOU ARE THE C#$# # GODESS-# #$ # INSULT TO FOOD! YOUR DIC# #$# LESS- YOU F# $- YOUR F #$#$ MOTHER-F# $LESS-AN ELCOR F# # $ MUST'VE F #$# $ A REALLY PIECE OF SH # $ # TO CREATE A F #$ CO ##$ $ OF F #$ #$ LIKE YOU!" Ram'sey howled, multiple veins popping in her eyes.

Fan Lang's lip began to quiver a bit, and his eyes began to mist. He didn't understand most of what was being said, but when some one mentions your mother loudly and angrily, its pretty clear that its likely not to praise you.

"IF WE SENT YOUR F# $#ING FOOD TO THE KROGANS WHEN THE CO #$# $ GODESSFU#$ $ERS REBELLED, THERE WOULD BE NO REBELLION; THEY WOULD BE TOO BUSY KILLING EACH OTHER TO GET TO THE NEAREST F# $#$ING SH #$# FILLED TOLIET TO RELEASE THEIR SH# $# AND F##$ #$ FROM EVERY HOLE IN THEIR F#$#ED BODY! OF COURSE THIS WOULD MAKE US F# $# $ LOSE WHEN THEY RUN OUT OF PLACE TO F# $# $ SH!# $ #$# AND START AIMING THEIR F# $# TOWARDS OUR F# $ #$S, DROWNING US IN A SEA OF P #$# $ AND ASS LIQUID!"

Tears rolled out Fan Lang's eyes as she roared ever louder in his face while his volus translated the numerous curses and insults as quick and best he could. Even Fin Fang Foom, who previously held nothing but contempt and loathing for the human was feeling a bit bad for him.

"BUT THAT'S WHAT A F## $ C #$ LIKE YOU WANTS, RIGHT! FOR US TO DROWN IN F #$# ING SH# #$ #! WHEN THIS SHOW F# $ING ENDS, I AM GOING TO KEEP A F #$#ING SAMPLE OF THIS DI# $ #$SODDEN AS ## $CRACK SHI# $# $# # FOR WHEN THE RACHNI COME BACK! THAT WAY, WE CAN F!$# $ING START A GENOCIDE WITHOUT USING OUR GUNS!"

Ram'sey let out a miserable breath and wiped the steaming sweat from her brow. "What I am trying to say, Fan Lang, is that your food feels like Thresher c)# $s mixed with the shredded skin of a diseased, and then a group of Elcors with stomach troubles dealt with their # #$ in my mouth."

Fan Lang could not contain his inner pain and abuse anymore and burst into tears, before running away from the room with his Volus in tow "你他妈得说什么！你们瞧不起我做的饭？你们这群王八蛋看不起我是不是！好。你不给老子他应得的，那你们就别怕我手狠！"Fan Lang snarled, sobbing at the judges and Fin Fang Foom on his way out.

No one really understood a single word of that.

"Fin?" Ram'sey asked. "What is he saying?"

"No idea," the dragon groaned lowly. "Fin Fang Foom believes its probably very insulting."

Ram'sey frowned. "I deduced as much. I suppose this means that he forfeits. So, this means you win." Fin Fang Foom hummed to himself, trying to process what was being told to him. "What?"

"You win." Ram'sey waved for the dragon to settle down.

"Fin Fang Foom hasn't presented his food yet," protested the proud dragon. "Spent a lot of time on this. At least try it."

"There is no point." Krolain yawned, wanting the day to end so that he could get paid already. Its not like the judges all wanted to be there anyway. "There is no one else for you to compete against, you won." It was a completely reasonable statement. Fin Fang Foom was the only competitor left, everyone else had fallen to the reckoning that was Ram'sey. Fin Fang Foom's large mouth opened and closed repeated in search of words to use as a barricade of protest to what was being told to him and he unconsciously began shifting larger and larger in his agitation.

This had the side effect of showing everyone his teeth.

At this point, the Judges really began to notice the numerous serrated teeth, each one large than the biggest blade that can be found on the Citadel. The noticed it starring them right in the face.

There is an undeniable sense of primal urgency when one notices biting bits that look as if they could be very persuasive in the separation of limbs from body, and also in drawing urine from an fearful bladder.

"I remember you being f #$ing smaller," Ram'sey said blankly. Fin Fang Foom snorted, "So did Fin, then a little alien told him that the great food is not needed." The three judges found themselves swallowing in sync, so they obliged him, and capitulated to him.

A gargantuan covered bowl was dragged over before the judges by five very strong Elcor, who strained in exertion despite their physicality. A great metallic reflection separated the final creation of Fin Fang Foom and the judges' eyes, as the dragon staggered over towards his final task, fighting both anxiety and excite along the way.

"Fin Fang Foom hopes this please the judges," Fin Fang Foom said, trying to give a smile, which only succeeded in furthering the deeply buried prey instinct to run the hell away from the giant monster with sharp teeth within all three judges.

Ram'sey looked uncertainly as Fin Fang Foom unveiled his mighty dish, and as soon as he did, jaws dropped. This response, usually an exaggeration used in reality television to build suspense before being cut away to a commercial, was entirely justified in this case.

After all, what else do you do when there is a barbecued Thresher Maw head brought before you.

"Fin," the Drell judge inquired, horrified. "Where did you get a Thresher's head."

"Got it," Fin Fang Foom stated simply.

"What? From who?" Ram'sey asked.

"Flew to Tuchanka between the film between episode eight and nine, and used a goat as bait," Fin Fang Foom said.

"And," asked Krolain, expecting more.

"Then it burst through the sand, and Fin got it." Fin Fang Foom failed to understand what the confusion was all about.

"No," Krolain started, "the Thresher…it…how did you get it to…did you have a group of hardened krogan hunting with you." This drew chuckles from Fin Fang Foom.

"Fin Fang Foom do not need small krogan. All Fin Fang Foom did is grab the worm and smash it against a rock until it stopped being a living worm." Ram'sey and felt her bowels loosen dangerously while Krolain quickly went over where the nearest exits were located. Salous meanwhile found horrible flashbacks to his childhood when his classmates would slam his face into the table repeatedly for scoring higher than them at alien biology.

All in all, bad memories leading to the general indication that they should appease the dragon with a proper win regardless of how bad his food could be considering the fact that he is dragon and they are tiny prey.

With her hands shaking and her lips quivering, Ram'sey thrust out her hand and dug her spoon into the massive eyeball of the thresher head. "Here we # $ing go," she gasped in a breathless whisper and pushed the spoon slowly into her mouth with such a fatal expression that it was as if she was forced to plunge a blade into her own heart.

Then her eyes opened wide. Then she chewed. Then she swallowed.

"Fin Fang Foom," she started, watching the hopeful dragon's eyes light up. "That wasn't good..." the dragon's jaw dropped and his heart broke, while Krolain began kicking her shin under the table as a last futile curse at her for getting them killed; by this point Salous was already halfway to the exit. "IT WAS KROGANF# $ING C#$## $NIFFLING FANTASTIC."

Whiplash struck all in the room with frightening effects! The dragon threw his hands up in jubilee, inadvertently smashing through the ceiling and sending debris everywhere. Krolain let out a relieved sigh at his presumed demise being adverted, and Salous ran straight into the door, the concept of opening before leaving no longer present within his mind.

"Fin Fang Foom greatest chef on Citadel! FIN FANG FOOM IS THE GREATEST COOK THERE IS!"

"Well, technically, I am still th—URK!" choked Ram'sey as Krolain quickly caught her throat in a vice like grip to save all their lives from her foolish pride. Her statement went unnoticed from the dragon and the staff and crew breathed easy as Fin Fang Foom celebrated joyously. Nothing could ruin his good mood now.

Which was why Fan Lan had to come back into the studio, just as Fin Fang Foom was having his most triumphant moment.

"就是他！" Fan Lan, who was now accompanied by a large group of men, cried out with an accusatory finger pointed at Fin Fang Foom as a large mob of shady looking humans and a single volus emerged out of the door behind him.

The men were thugs, murders, assassins, and killers, and this was known to almost everyone in the room. How? Because normal folk don't have demonic tattoos and weird eyes for giggles.

To say that group was a diverse bunch was just not giving enough credit to the rag tag band of psychotic thugs that accompanied Fan Lan. There were men and women who had animal parts grafted onto their body, but more along the lines of a fourth grade art project that a professional graft job. Several thugs were covered in living tattoos of demons and other unspeakable horrors that danced across their bodies and lit up the room.

At the very head of the thugs was a man with eerie green tattoos that slithered across his body like a coil of mystical serpents, while his eyes shone a dull grassy haze at all that was in front of him. His wrinkled skin and aged face told tale of his age, but even older was his coat, tattered, torn, but still overflowing with power carved into it in a form of writing so dead that modern Chinese scholars would have called it another set of "turtle shell carvings" so they wouldn't have to write another dissertation on what they failed to translate.

Flanking him were two individuals that were equally weird. One was a man with wires and other mechanisms going off all over his body like he was some kind of 80s sci-fi prop. The other, was a young woman in a long dark dress who had wisps of unnatural power flowing up her. Staying in touch with the theme of horrible horror, she had body of a grade-schooler and the eyes of a corpse.

Even that many men active, their members had yet to show themselves in full. Unbeknownst to everyone in the room, outside the top of the tower were three cloaked Yiu Ling stealth ships awaited the order to blast the tower to bits.

The Traids were locked and loaded for war.

See, Fan Lang was an indeed giant whiny ponce, but he was also the heir to the Hollow Dragons, one of the major ten Triads that operated on Earth. His father was a man known to his family as 永乐爷,which directly translated meant something like "always laughing grandfather". To the rest of the world, he was the Lord of the Rapacious Mists.

This meant lots of guns, men, and powers at the disposal of one very spoiled child, and it would have likely spelled trouble to almost anyone one who came head to head with them. Dragons however see things a bit differently than most men.

"Only so many men?" Fin Fang Foom grumbled out loud, disappointed at the turnout for his head. He let out a heated gust of wind out his nostrils that washed over the rest of the room, much like the waves would a sailor about to drown.

By this point, crew members of Citadel's Purgatory began to vacate the premises, abandoning the judges, who were frozen in horror, to their fates. The air grew cold and the lights grew ever dimmer. Whispers of supernatural elements found their way into every ear present.

And then the tension reached a breaking point.

"我操，" started Grass-Eyes losing composure first, "你说龙欺负你，没想到是个真龙。"The rest of the men looked to each other with uneasy eyes as they began to realize just how unprepared their lieutenant was about dealing with an actual dragon.

"Fin Fang Foom would ask you to leave right now," spoke Fin without even shifting his eyes towards the menacing crew of scoundrels. "The awarding and praising of Fin's food is not done."

"去他妈的！"cried Fan Lan waving his fist at the dragon. "兄弟们，给我扁！" Fan's idea was that they could all jump the dragon at once so they could overwhelm the dragon with sheer numbers. He was not a tactician.

"Alright…I see that you gentlemen have your grievances," spoke Ram'sey, with probably the softest tone she ever took in her life, "but for the LOVE OF F# $LICKING GODDESS LET US GO!" The softness did not last.

Members of the gang glared at her with confused and vicious eyes. "她说啥？" asked one gang member, completely confused. "你问我我问谁？得了呗，我们这谁会说英文？" Fan Lan let out a loud whine. "他们他妈外星人咋么听得懂英文？的了，把那个矮胖子给我带过来！"

Screams of the unfortunate volus that accompanied Fan Lan erupted from the back of the entrance where the gang was crowded around. It took them approximately three seconds to get him from the back to the front. He was tossed.

"Oh…ow…please earth clan, no more!" begged the volus, struggling to get up off his feet. Multiple howls and orders came from the lips of Fan Lan and his men, ordering him to deliver their message to Fin Fang Foom and the judges, lest he wanted to find out how they planned to make him even shorter.

Like a rational creature, the poor volus obliged.

"He," the volus pointed at Fan Lan, "wants the award for Citadel's Purgatory."

Fin Fang Foom glared and wordlessly shoved the tiny prize down into his purple pants. This struck the room with awed silence. "太他妈噁心了。"

The volus sighed, "Fan Lan says its disgusting. He likely wants you to take it out."

"I'm sorry," Salous muttered barely loud enough to be heard. "I—I—can we go? We don't need to be here."

"Unfortunately you do," the volus said glumly. "I think Fan wants you all to stay so that he can have you all redo the awarding ceremony." Ram'sey sighed. "We didn't even get to that bit before everything was ruined."

"I just wanted to make enough to buy a new house," muttered Krolain as Salous began to shake violently next to him. "This is f #$ flaps." Ram'sey stated quite simply.

"Enough!" Fin Fang Foom bellowed. The room grew silent as the stealth ships out the window began priming their deconstructor missiles and numerous powers flared up in the room in fright and defense against the dragon. "Fin Fang Foom will never give up his cooking position, or surrender to small pathetic humans," said Fin as he narrowed his eyes at Fan Lan. "Fin Fang Foom has earned his place in Citadel history. Fin is best cook there ever was."

"不给是不是！好！很好！同志们，把它的皮给我剥下来！" Fan Lan howled to his very unwilling gang and a confused volus. "Should I tell them that you want your men to peel ski—" the volus was shot in the face by Fan Lan before the sentence could end.

As the gang made their very unwilling advance upon the immense presence that was Fin Fang Foom, a bone shaking laugh that rumbled and echoed through the room, passing through the bodies of the small creatures before him. "Fools, walking to your deaths into the jaws of Fin Fang Foom. Did you not hear the stories of me, of my awakening before your time? I have navigated my path through the stars beyond, survived journeys untold. The old myths said my limbs could shatter mountains, and my back scraped the sun. The men of the twentieth century spoke my name in fear and despair…Heroes of immeasurable power beyond mine faced me, and yet…Fin Fang Foom still draws breath. Tell me, little ones, how are you supposed to succeed where the Hulk failed, when the Iron Man failed, where the combined threats and the chaos of the last century failed?"

Some of the meeker members of the gang were backing off now, but they did not make two steps before they fell to the ground, deprived of spirit and life, with their life force flowing to the corpse-eyed girl. Though the rest did tremble, the stood their ground under the command of their foolish young master, not because they respected him, but because they feared the Lord of the Rapacious Mists more than any.

"别怕兄弟们！" Fan Lan tried to rally his men. The judges hid under their desks and Fin Fang Foom gently removed a massive cooking knife he had hidden in his apron. Grass-Eyes nodded to their hidden ships outside the window, and deconstructer missiles rained down upon the Apex Towers.

Deconstructer missiles were a favored weapon of those who preferred to operate with discretion in areas they should not be. Noiseless but still destructive, the idea was made when a particularly brilliant group of AIM scientists managed to create a group of short lived nanites that would be scattered by a micro-missile that would then pop with enough force to scatter the nanites across the target.

The Apex Tower, on the other hand was a creation by a joint Asari/Turian company known similarly as Apex. They were deserving of the title in many projects like Omni-tools and other such items. Unfortunately, Nanite defense was not one of those sectors they specialized in.

Almost immediately, the top of the tower gave way and massive holes began to emerge as the tiny machines chewed through the materials at a frightening pace. The deconstruction was going along so fast that even debris failed to escape the gluttonous little machines.

As this was happening, dead spirits rose from all corners of the Citadel, rushing towards the top of the Apex Tower, by the hand and the will of one with skin fair, but mind foul; the corpse-eyed little girl smiled sweetly. The howls in the air erupted into louder and louder intensities as more spirits rushed into the fray; objects began to float on their own will, doors opened and closed at their own volition, and a mysterious warmth began to spread from most of the judges' pants.

With the beckoning of the Corpse-Eyed one, windows exploded and objects shot across the room through supernatural whispers.

The tattoos on the many criminals flared to life as it danced across their body, granting the men and women with the ink a special endowment of chi-energy to use in a myriad of ways. The man of wires let loose with with technological empowered thunderbolts and lightening in a very, very frightening display of power.

With the posing of demonstration of the fighting force before him coming to an end, Fan Lan stood up with his teeth barred and chest out letting out several arrogant laughs. He held out his hand, believing that he had successfully and completely managed to intimidate the dragon.

Fin Fang Foom yawned, and took a breath. When it was released, things began to melt.

The uninformed usually believe that Fin Fang Foom, due to his resemblance to dragon and the color of the mists that flooded like an unending stream, breaths fire. In defense of that assumption, the mists do the task of burning quite well.

As the corrosive breath washed over the front layers of triad cannon fodder, melting some outright while only burning a few others who were stronger in power or will, Grass-Eyes moved forth into battle and the men followed.

More wind than flesh, he moved between the smallest openings between his fellow thugs, in a few cases drifting through them and leaving them to collapse as husks drained of their chi: life-force that allows men to be more than the limitations of their physical boundaries.

Medical insurance while working with the Hollow Dragons was quite minimal.

Like fleshy bullets trying to fight a storm, the many Triads leap into battle up close against Fin Fang Foom in a display of suicidal fervor or absolute bravery. It mattered not as his large claws swiped through the air faster than most eyes could track and left many severed.

As the first wave fell, the ones coming from behind felt themselves growing fearful of the mighty creature that stood before them, now in a fighting stance that beckoned for battle. Grass-Eyes snorted and walked through

Ignoring the wariness flowing through him, Grass-Eyes encroached upon Fin Fang Foom, intent on tearing the dragon inside out by phasing through him.

The intention was clever, but the idea was old. Fin Fang Foom knew what was coming from the moment he saw Grass-Eyes's flesh give way to mystical gas. "Fin sees the Lord of the Greedy Mists has taken a new disciple."

Grass-Eyes ignored the surprise within him and flowed forward, like a river to drown, like a storm to swallow. He reached Fin Fang Foom with such force that the judges behind him were thrown through the air before finding a spot on the wall to be embedded.

"F#$#$ A #$#$ CO #$ # ANUS!" groaned Ram'sey incoherently.

Ignoring the plight of the judges, Fin Fang Foom held still before the oncoming storm and waiting. Then, when Grass-Eyes was a chin hair away, Fin Fang Foom flapped his wings once and shifted his size.

As the strong gust of wind scattered the focus of the malicious Grass-Eyes, his mental will unable to keep hold of his gaseous form. By the time Grass-Eyes tried to recollect his senses and renew his assault, he found that the massive Fin Fang Foom was nowhere to be seen.

He was then roundhouse kicked in the jaw from behind.

Tumbling, rolling, and bleeding all at the same time, Grass-Eyes skid across the room like a barrel shot out of a cannon, scrapping hard against the floor before coming to a halt before horrified mass of men that expected him to prevail.

Fan Lan suppressed his fear at the defeat of one of his father's minor lieutenants and cried for the rest to charge the now human sized, but no less intimidating dragon. Fin Fang Foom gave an especially toothy grin and curled one claw to call for fools to come.

Hissing in fury and embarrassment Grass-Eyes leaped back on his feet, and this time he was joined by Wired-Man and Corpse-Eyes. Their eyes all flash in union as their chi and minds connected. They would face the dragon together.

As Grass-Eyes turned to life taking gas again, Corpse-Eyes willed her wisps to draw the spirits of the long dead of the Citadel to her, and Wires disappeared with a mob of lesser Triads into another realm.

Then everything struck at once.

A thunderstorm exploded into existence just above where Fin Fang Foom stood and the mob, descended like the thunder afterward. The first layer of the Triads was obviously fodder, meant to shield the real threat behind from the fury of Fin Fang Foom's limbs and vicious breath.

Flowing through chi-enhanced blows like water, Fin Fang Foom struck out slicing veins, kicking joints apart, breaking limbs to a cacophony of screams. Centuries of martial arts and sheer power were not about to be overwhelm by mere numbers.

With a sudden flash, Wires shot through several of his own men, frying them utterly as his fist shot down towards the throat of Fin Fang Foom. The block landed with a loud resounding impact, and static filled the air.

Fin Fang Foom had caught the fist while he was looking away. Wires smiled, all was going according to plan.

As Fin Fang Foom's leg swung around in fluid arc to split wires at the waist, he found that the man had already disappeared from the spot and his leg was held in place by a very sentient mist. Grass-Eyes was upon him.

Shifting back into his massive form again, Fin Fang Foom did not stop this time at merely large, but truly massive. Flapping his growing wings as dozens of feet were added to his size, Fin Fang Foom forced Grass-Eyes back into his tangible form.

But the man was smiling. All was going according to plan.

Sliding back with his right foot bracing hard against the tearing marble of the floor, Grass-Eyes planted weight and force down on his hind leg and swept it forward, dragging entire chunks of the floor as he swung it into the face of Fin Fang Foom.

Ignoring the dust and debris that bounced off his hardened scales, the dragon snorted unimpressed at the meager rebuttal of the little man. But beyond the shield of dust and marble that obfuscated the dragons vision, the Corpse-Eyed girl pushed past the rest and her mouth opened to deliver an inhumane howl. The supernatural whispers came louder and spirits began to reveal themselves.

"Oh, what the bu# $ #y f# $," hissed Ram'sey, now detached from where she was lodged in the wall from the impact.

The immaterial souls of multiple species from asari to krogan erupted into existence in loud protests all across the room at the beckoning of the horrifying youth. She whistled out tauntingly towards Fin Fang Foom as she called the spirits to her with a single wave.

"杀，" she spoke plainly.

Fin Fang Foom scowled and braced for proper combat. Spirits were always unpredictable foes, and the realm beyond death held dangers at every turn for the living. He braced for an attack that would never come.

"Wwwwwwhhhhhaaaatttt the spiiiiirriiiitttts?" wailed a miserable turian ghost in confusion in confusion. Corpse-eyes frowned and the wisps around her drew in on the ghost as she began to directly enforce her will upon it.

"Why were we awakened!" cried an agonized Turian spirit, forced into involuntary limbo.

"杀，" the Corpse-Eyes demanded of her spiritual slaves again, putting even more willpower into her command.

Her power was not the issue. The problem was that merely having the ability to bind the dead to your will is nice and all, but that does absolutely nothing to solve any preexisting language barriers that would have plagued interactions regardless of life or death.

To put this into simpler terms, a dead sentient that never got to learn what human speech in life, deprived of the translation devices that were available in life, would have no clue what a human was shouting at them no matter what was done.

"What does she want…" moaned a fallen asari, drawn into limbo and quite confused about her state of existence. "We have been summoned to purpose without orders. Why must our misery persist."

Once again Corpse-eyes forced her mental commands into the spirits around her, and made sure she focused all the way through this time. Unfortunately, though the images and words of what she wanted the ghosts to were delivered to the souls of the dead, the fact that if a spirit doesn't know Chinese, it just doesn't know Chinese.

Fan Lan and the rest starred on in blankly, waiting for her next move. The judges moved closer to the doors. Fin Fang Foom started tapping his feet. Sweat began to drip down Corpse-Eye's brow.

Terrible problems usually arise when one fails to properly compel them into action, and said problems typically result with the headlines "possession", "body murder", "mind bender", and most commonly "Why Conrad! What did you do?!" Realizing the fact would be the same with alien ghosts as well, the youth decided to do the first sensible thing in months: she dropped the horror movie villain act and bolted for the shattered windows and jumped out, leaving everyone else behind.

She later took her estranged mother's advice and went back to school to learn a trade. She became a very successful accountant.

However, despite how things turn out well for the girl later, the spirits in the room grew unruly and mad to their awoken but undirected existence, lights began to flicker as objects and many of the unfortunate living found themselves soaring through the air by no will of their own.

This meant spirits became angry poltergeists in their despair, which lead to possessions, and general mayhem. For the first time in history, the Citadel had a ghost problem. The supernatural energy exploded from the top of the Apex Tower, washing over the entire station as numerous ghosts scatted to seek where they used to live.

Meanwhile, within the tower, a mess ensued. The first problem was the possessing of Yiu Ling stealth ships and the pilots. Though ghosts didn't understand human language very well, the basic commands and controls aboard a human ship were not too far separated from ones of Citadel design due to the similar builds of body. This meant that deconstructers started flying everywhere indiscriminately.

Numerous Triads were eaten away almost instantly, while more found their own arms being taken over by multiple ghost simultaneously resulting in spiritual brawls in singular bodies as arm began to fight butt-cheek for sole dominance of the human flesh. Fan Lan ran screaming from the carnage while Wires and Grass-Eyes flanked his escape, fending off wayward spirits with chi strikes and trans-dimensional shocks. Fin Fang Foom just watched.

"Fin hates human so much."

It was at this moment that the nanites finally finished eating the entire top of the tower, exposing all the chaos to the outside Citadel. C-Sec and reporters began to converge on the scene, unknowing of the dangers that were around.

They quickly found out just how dangerous as the nanites began eating directly downwards through the tower, bifurcating it in two.

"Fin!" cried Ram'sey. "If we f#2$ ing die, you'll never be revealed as a proper f #$ing space chef!" More pops went unheard as the ships fired another volley of deconstructors, and the two halves of the tower fell downwards upon the city, sending the judges into a long drop. Fin Fang Foom dove after the judges for hopes of certification, Fan Lan and the remainder of the Triads descended down after the trophy in the dragon's underwear.

Keeping the judges away from the bits of falling building that were soon devoured as well, Fin Fang Foom dropped down racing the deconstruction of the building itself. At the very bottom, the masses that were inside had long since began their escape when the first blows were struck, leaving few bystanders in true danger.

Getting ever closer to the judges, Fin Fang Foom reach out to grasp them in his hands, but felt a ticklish feeling on his hindlegs. Fan Lan had begun to infiltrate his inner sanctum! The bastard was trying to get into his pants.

Turning around to blow corrosive mist at the fools senseless enough to bother him, Fin Fang Foom swiped out with his tail and hind legs at the many men coming down after him in free-fall.

A few took the full blast mist before Wires warped in a large metallic shield from somewhere else in the universe, shielding him and the rest from the wave of death. Shooting past the rest of the lesser Triads, Grass-Eyes returned to assist his young master with a chi-infused kick to the back of Fin Fang Foom's head.

With his large skull snapping forward from the sudden impact, Fin Fang Foom found the judges falling out of reach again as disorientation distracted him. Fan Lan and a few of his men weaseled their way further inwards past the outer folds of his underwear.

Grasping the screaming judges, kicking at the annoying humans, and desperately shielding his face from Citadel reporters that sped downwards along with the brawl, Fin Fang Foom wondered how his life had once again, been ruined by the humans. Surely his best night could get no worse than this.

And then a giant samurai robot slammed right into Wires, and everything exploded in an ocean of lightning.

…

"Varren shit!" cried Sparatus interrupting Fin Fang Foom in the middle of his story.

"Its true!"

"I cannot believe that some human exploding with lightning would remove an entire portion of the market district and an entire C-Sec battle unit. And Ghosts! Outlandish!" Everyone starred the turian Councilor who continued to call bullshit to a dragon about ghosts. It wasn't a good picture for anyone's sanity.

"Well," chimed in a slightly guilty Tali. "The Blade Titan was our fault."

"In our defense we would have never guessed that running a robot into the human with Wires was going to teleport us to Japan," Garrus defended.

"Huh. Its all starting to make sense now," said Fury with growing certainty. He missed the dirty looks that that Councilors shot him.

"No," Tevos spoke. "No. Nothing makes any sense at all."

"It would make more if you let us finish what happened on our end," answered Garrus.

"EVERYONE IS UNDER ARREST!" cried a muffled voice that finally made its way out of Fin Fang Foom's pants. A metallic limb pushed through the folds on the edges of Fin Fang Foom's thighs and with a mighty heave, a cyborg plopped down into the middle of the room with a large photon magnum pointed at the Councilors.

"Public Security! Sector 9! Major Kasumi Goto! Everyone put your hands where I can see them!"

And for the first time in history, the first intergalactic event became emerged between the Citadel and the divided Humanity.

"Oh spirits damn us all…"

Author's Shameful Meat-Movements: Holy crap I was gone for a long time. It felt like three days, and then it was like a wolverine with the mind of mad scientist stole my bollocks and ran forward in time to use them to create an army of mentally lacking minions to claim the world and I had to chase after him because my bollocks are my bollocks and I like my bollocks. Anyway, I lost months in the desperate attempt to save the world from dumber mes and crazy wolverine that I realized there was one thing important I was doing. Work! And also this thing. Anyway, with my happy bits now liberated and free of badger-creature like tyranny, I resolve to continue on with arc with due haste. Much has been written, but more must be added to the cobwebs. Join us in a few days when The WAY OF THE TELEPORTING DRAGON PANTS STRIKES JAPAN WITH TERRIBLE FISTS OF Fury comes your way. Don't worry, I built a gate around my bollocks this time, I will be staying where I am for now. Feel free to like, hate, shred, and generally abuse me to your heart's content.