Back In Open Play

July 2008

"Suit up, Teddy boy! I'm back and we are hittin'. The. Town,"

"You're out of hospital?"

"Yup! Put down your vibrators, ladies- Barney Stinson is back and ready to bang!"

Ted wasn't surprised by Barney's excitement. In fact, he felt the same, because he'd missed his best bro the last couple of months.

"Awesome. So, MacLaren's at nine-"

"Ted! This is not a night for MaLaren's," Barney barked (Ted wondered if his friend been watching lots of Live! while in hospital, because Barney was sounding strangely like Regis Philbin), "We're starting off in the Village, then maybe hitting the Upper East Side clubs- and obvs the Lusty Leopard has to feature. God, I'm so pumped for this! I haven't been to Cage Night in eight weeks. I haven't had my dick inside some tight, wet-"

"You remember that I'm engaged now, right?"

"Oh. Right," Barney sighed, "Stella. She's not going to stop you going out with me,"

It wasn't a question.

"Of course not," agreed Ted, because Stella knew how important Barney was to him, "Though perhaps I could bail before the Lusty Leopard?"

"Or you come anyway and not tell her," Barney retorted, and although they were on the phone Ted can tell that he was winking.

"Barney."

"Alright. Lusty Leopard's only a last resort if I don't get lucky- and I'll get lucky. But you'd better be on form Ted, even if you're not looking for anyone. Cos I'm back! I am back! Any girl wanting to get back at her ex, or solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking, I shall be there. And Ted, my boy, it's gonna be legen-wait for it…keep waiting… I'll tell you later. Meet me at the corner where Cooper Square meets 7th at eleven. And Suit Up!"

Barney hung up abruptly and Ted was left to wonder if his friend took a breath throughout the entire conversation.

"Sorry, traffic was awful on 3rd," said Barney, scrambling out of the taxi.

"When are you going to realise that the subway is quicker?" Ted sighed.

"About the same time you Suit Up when I tell you to,"

"Yours is new, right?" Ted observed.

Barney did a double-take, impressed, "Yes it is, Ted, well done. Kenneth Cole. Thought I'd treat myself to a new suit seeing as-"

"It's a day ending in the letter Y? Where's this club we're going to, anyway?"

"Further down 7th. You need your game face tonight Teddy; this is my big return. Like when Voldemort came back in the graveyard in Harry Potter,"

"I told you you'd like those movies,"

"What are you drinking? Get whatever you want; I'm paying tonight,"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," Barney shrugged, waving a hand like it was no bother, "I haven't spent any money for ages cos I've been in hospital; I may as well treat my wingman to something stronger his usual Budweiser,"

Barney did his best smile, in the hope that Ted didn't realise that he was trying ensure his place back in Ted's good books after the Sandcastles incident.

"Thanks. But, um, should you be drinking? Aren't you still on painkillers?"

"Didn't take 'em this morning," Barney shrugged in the same blasé tone.

If Ted had had his drink, he'd have spit it out in alarm. "What?!"

"I knew I'd be going out tonight so I didn't take my painkillers. Calm down, bro,"

"What about, you know- the pain?"

Barney leant over the bar, "Can we have two Bellinis, please?". Grinning, he turned back to Ted, "What is pain compared to booze?"

"Story of your life,"

Barney wasn't sure if this was a gibe or simply an observation, so he busied himself looking in his wallet for cash. Ted leant his back against the bar and surveyed the club, and couldn't help mentioning, "This feels weird. I've got a fiancé,"

"Ted!" Barney rounded on him, outraged, "You said it was okay!"

"It is okay. But it's weird,"

"Okay and weird are opposite things," Barney pointed out (Ted had to admit that this was entirely true), "Forget Stella- I'm your bro, and you know that's a way more sacred bond. Drink up, me hearty! To Barney Stinson's return to the game!" he cried happily, clinking their glasses and taking a big gulp. He gave Ted a clap on the back so hard that Ted choked. Then Barney turned his predator-vision eyes scanning the room for the drunkest chicks, shortest dresses, worst father-daughter relationships and most recent dump-ees.

"You know, I'm feeling good about tonight," Barney decided, "Reckon I might try for a double,"

"I'm both impressed and revolted,"

Barney rolled his eyes, "Ted, you haven't had sex with me-"

"Nope, no I haven't,"

"-but if you had- and I dibs top- it'd be awesome. It's be the best night you'd ever have. And I'm giving that awesomeness to the young ladies of New York tonight. It's a charity service,"

Ted snorted.

"It is!" Barney insisted, "Charity begins at home. And it so happens that my brand of charity is one that I enjoy as much as those to whom I give it out to. And give it to- hey-oh!"

"So you're a charity worker- not an unbridled sex addict?" Ted digged, raising his eyebrows but returning the high-five.

It made Barney twitchy when diagnoses like 'sex addiction' and 'attachment disorder' were thrown around, but after being friends with Ted and Lily for so long he was getting used to it.

"So what if it does? Everybody's happy," he shrugged, "See that bit there with the Cs and the three-month dry spell, what about her?"

"Who?"

"There,"

"Oh, her. You know you could have called her the brunette in the green dress,"

Barney gave him a look, said, "Priorities, Ted," took another gulp of his cocktail and went over to say hi.

"Run! Ted, we've gotta hurry…come on,"

"What happened?"

"The girl I was talking to-"

"The brunette?"

"No, not her! The black chick with Ds…for God's sake Ted, move!"

"Alright, alright, sorry,"

Ted let his friend drag him out of the club.

"I think we'd better run," Barney announced dramatically.

"Christ, what did you do to this girl?"

"I…it was about a year ago…I left when she was in the shower and I didn't fix her faucet like I promised I would,"

"You were pretending to be a plumber?"

"No- I just said I'd fix it if she had sex with me. Anyway, I was dancing with her just now and suddenly she goes all, 'Oh my God, you're the bastard who didn't fix my faucet' and I'm all, 'What, baby? I don't know what you mean but I'm sure you could fix my faucet, if you catch my drift' but she knew it was me and she slapped me one. So, now we're running. Dary, by the way. Legendary!"

Ted glanced round as they passed the gates at Cooper's Square, "I don't think she's following us,"

"She might be. Ted, there are plenty of girls in New York City who hate my guts, and I've learnt that when one of them finds you she'll stop at nothing to cause serious damage to your suits, your manhood, or your clone from the original Star Wars movies. Let's hide in here,"

He whipped his suit coat off, bundled it protectively against his stomach, and leapt into the bushes.

"Dude," Ted protested.

"No, you 'dude'. We need to hide,"

"It's you she hates, not me. And she has better things to do with her evening than follow us,"

"TED!" Barney screamed, and Ted gave in and shuffled into the brambles.

"You and me in a bush on a Friday night? People will talk," he muttered.

"Remember I dibs-ed top," Barney reminded him, playing along.

"I don't trust you where I can't see you,"

"You'd love it,"

"You're into weird stuff; I'm not risking any of your kinkiness if you're going to be behind me,"

"Don't you trust me?" Barney asked innocently, waggling his eyebrows.

"No way. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'd be scared,"

"You'd have the time of your life,"

"I think I'd shit myself,"

"Ew! Now whose getting kinky?"

Ted laughed and gave him a shove, and Barney toppled over, dirtying the knees of his trousers.

"Oh-ho," Ted taunted, eyeing Barney's muddied knees with a suggestive eyebrow-raise. Barney flicked him in eye, so Ted grabbed Barney's hand and bent his fingers backwards. Barney squealed, twisted his hand free and elbowed Ted hard- but the jovial mood changed when he abruptly hissed, "Shh!"

There's someone coming past! he mouthed, wide-eyed.

"Barney, that's a man,"

He might be her brother!

"What girl goes clubbing with their brother?"

Possibly this one!

"He's white,"

"So?" Barney demanded abruptly with a frosty glare.

"So he- oh, sorry," Ted realised.

Barney turned his gaze darkly back to the man, who had now gone past the hedge.

"Sorry," muttered Ted again, feeling guilty and laying a hand gently on his friend's back.

Barney glanced at the hand and smirked at him, "I thought you didn't want people to talk?"

"Didn't you order this cab to the East Side?" Ted asked, confused, "Why are we heading towards the Lusty Leopard?"

"Cage night! Cage night! Cage night!" Barney chanted excitedly.

"How do you redirect cabs like that? And what happened to clubbing?"

"Clubbing's cool but Cage Night's Cage Night,"

"You said you'd get lucky. You said you missed playing the game. A strip club isn't playing the game,"

"I'm gonna say this one more time, Ted-o: Cage. Night,"

Ted grimaced. "I can't. Even you've got to understand that an engaged man can't ogle strippers,"

"But it's my first night back,"

"I'm sorry, but..."

Barney stopped, frowned and considered. Ted was his best friend, and due to arguments and accidents, it was months since they'd hung out together...but Barney hadn't been to a strip club for almost as long. And the Lusty Leopard meant an awful lot to him. Bros before hoes...but come on; strippers, Cage Night...

"S'alright, Ted. I've just got to..." he explained apologetically, jerking his head towards the blaring neon sign of the Lusty Leopard,"

"I get it," Ted promised, because Barney was Barney.

"See you tomorrow night?"

"You know what? I'll wait outside," Ted decided, getting out of the cab.

Barney followed, befuddled, "What?"

"You go and have fun; I'll stick round here,"

"You'd do that?"

Ted smiled, shrugged, and sat down on the low wall separating the Leopard to the kebab hut nextdoor.

"Uh, thanks," Barney mumbled, touched, "I'll try not to take too long,"

"Just promise me you won't go into too much detail afterwards," Ted asked. He pulled Barney towards him by his shoulder and added into his ear, "It'll only make me jealous,"

After half an hour of loitering at the wall listening to his iPod, Ted's phone rang.

"Barney?"

"I need your help. Major moral dilemma,"

"Major moral dilemma," Ted replied, saluting automatically.

Barney tutted. "Seriously bro, I need your advice. Cage Night's turning me on like shit, and I'm friendly- well, friendlyish- with this stripper called Trixi- yeah, with an I- and I reckon she'd do me in the Champagne Room, and I've got enough cash on me,"

"Really, Barney? Paying a stripper to have sex with you?"

"That's my dilemma," Barney whined (they'd both been quite drunk when they left the first club; Ted had sobered up in the last half-hour, but Barney sounded as if he had a few more cocktails in him), "The Player King of New York City shouldn't be reduced to paying for sex, right? That's pathetic,"

"It's disgusting,"

"But I'm so horny. So horny. The zip on my pants isn't gonna hold much longer,"

"Too much info!"

"So do I reduce myself to paying for sex like an old widower but finally get laid...or do I retain my dignity but not get to fuck someone,"

"Hmm," said Ted, teasing him by being exaggeratedly thoughtful, "That's a tough one...mmm. I don't know..."

"TED! ANSWER!"

"If it was me, I wouldn't have sex with a stripper. It's beneath you, Barney,"

"She's a she, not an 'it', Ted; they're people too," Barney chided, "And knowing Trixi, I'd be beneath her- but I get your point,"

"You do so not get my point. Are you gonna meet me outside?"

"Two minutes,"

Fifteen minutes later, Barney tumbled back outside the strip club.

"Think you made a good call, Teddy. Barney Stinson does not pay for sex,"

"Exactly,"

"Had to take care of it myself, so I should survive for another-"

"Half-hour,"

Barney laughed, and the two men made eye contact. There was a beat when Ted could sense that he knew what Barney was thinking.

"Well then," he said slightly gruffly

"Yeah," Barney replied.

"D'you wanna..."

"Only if you want to,"

"I've been hinting at it all night. And don't lie, Barney- it's what you've wanted all along,"

Barney smirked, and Ted put a hand on his shoulder.

"MacLaren's?"

"Yeah," he said, "MacLaren's,"