A/N: This is a sequel to Terrible Lie and Yes, Anastasia, though it can be read alone (just be a bit confusing in chapter 1). It will follow Bucky in more post-CATWS adventures and continue into what the Civil War might look like in the MCU (from Bucky's perspective), with Steve, Sam, Natasha, Clint, Fury, Tony, and Sharon all making appearances. Chapter titles are from I Would For You by Nine Inch Nails. Please read and review!

1. What a pathetic string of words

He's an idiot. Why didn't he see it before? Why didn't he remember? So many things have come back, but this… He'd put the strange way she made him feel to other burgeoning emotions, not to another layer added to his sick past. And she hadn't known, so he feels terrible to have forced her to remember, too. He knows that's what he is doing, has been doing, for months, but she hasn't in years. She knows who she is. Or thought she did. And now he's screwed it up. Because he thought there was something there when, clearly, there wasn't.

After he kissed her, and broke away in confusion, they stared at each other for a long time. Anything could have happened after that interminable silence. Finally, the horror on her face changed to something softer, and she gently touched his cheek before disappearing into her apartment. He doesn't know how long he stood there, at a loss, before he managed to turn his feet in the direction of home and left her building.

What he did that night is a mystery; he doesn't even remember making it back. But he does remember Steve coming by in the morning.

"Hey, Buck, how'd it go?" Steve asks casually as he locked the door behind him and set his keys on the table. Steve didn't live there, but was around most of the time. Once Steve catches sight of his expression, he sobers, looking very serious. "What happened?"

"I…" He can't say it. What would he say? How could he tell Steve that he's screwed up again? He stares bleakly at his friend, who slowly walks over and pulls up a chair beside him.

"Did anyone hurt you?" He shakes his head. "Did you hurt anyone?" Shakes his head again. "Did Nat do something?" He bites his lip, considering. "Bucky, tell me."

"I knew her," he chokes out. Steve stares at him, frowning slightly in confusion.

"When?"

"In Russia."

Steve sits back, studying him. "In the Red Room?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry, Buck, but I need you to tell me why that's upsetting you. What happened in the Red Room with Nat?"

"I…" He trails off, staring at his lap, clenching and unclenching his hands. "I don't know," he whispers.

"Does she?" Steve's voice is authoritative, determined; he'll go find out if Bucky wants him to.

He shakes his head quickly. "She didn't remember, either, until I… Until we…" Steve looks at him intently, encouragingly. "I kissed her," he finishes softly. "And then, then I saw all these times I'd seen her before. Known her before."

"In the Red Room?"

"In the Red Room." Meeting Steve's eye, he is surprised to see the slightest hint of grim amusement on his face. "What?" he asks tiredly.

Steve allows the smile to appear in earnest on his face as he shakes his head in admiration. "Man, I was impressed you got Nat interested now. I'm shocked you were able to do that when you were both, you know, killing machines."

"Thanks," he answers in a bemused tone.

"So, you remembered. And so did she. It seems like a good thing to me," Steve says gently.

He frowns, considering. "They punished us both for it. In different ways. I wasn't allowed to remember. She was. I think she was repressing it, what they did to her, and now I've forced her," he mumbles.

Steve moves his chair closer, the scraping of the wood against the tile breaking the stillness, and puts his arm around his shoulders. "Bucky, it wasn't you. It was them. I'm sure she'll be glad to know, she was probably just startled."

Frowning deeply, he can't meet Steve's eye. He doesn't understand. He doesn't know what it's like to have memories come from nothing, telling you what kind of person you were, what kinds of things you did because you couldn't stop it. Natalia understands. But he's driven her away.

"Bucky, please. Tell me so I can understand."

Had he been thinking out loud? No, Steve knows when he's being pushed away. He's had plenty of practice lately. "I have to live with what I've done. So does she. But we don't like remembering it," he says hesitantly. "I want to know, I want to know what I have to make up for. But I don't know if that's what she wants."

Steve squeezes his shoulder gently, then sits back in his chair, thoughtful. "You love her," he says suddenly, sounding surprised.

He looks at Steve sharply. "What makes you say that?"

"You may be one of the best in the world at covert ops, but there are some things you don't hide well, my friend," Steve says lightly, teasing, as he pats his shoulder and gets to his feet. "Why don't you go see how she's doing this morning?"

Watching Steve, he bites his lip. "You think that's a good idea?"

"I think Nat's the strongest person I know, and she's probably more worried about you than anything else," he says.

"Alright," he mutters, and goes to make himself presentable.

He doesn't know how long he stands outside Natalia's door before he knocks. Too long, probably. She likely knows he's there; he's familiar with the security measures Stark helped her put into place here. Offered to do the same to his own apartment, though he declined. He raises his hand, tentatively, and knocks once, considering leaving before she can answer.

Too late. "Hello, James," she says quietly as she opens the door. She looks tired, but beautiful, and he can't seem to find anything to say. A smirk appears on her lips as she leans against the door, no doubt amused by his tongue-tied response. Or lack thereof. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Are you?" he forces out.

She nods. "Didn't get much sleep, but otherwise I'm fine. I…" She pauses, looking passed him into the hallway. "Why don't you come in?"

When she steps back inside, he follows her hesitantly and shuts the door behind him. She walks over to her couch and turns around to lean against it, looking at him. He doesn't move. Her living room, onto which her front door opens, contains a couch, a loveseat, a television, and very little else. He had expected her place to be more decorated than this. She catches his eye and he stops his inspection.

"Fury called me."

"Yeah?"

"He needs me to go on a mission, James," she says with an unaccountable softness.

Frowning slightly, he nods. "Alright."

She sighs and walks over to him. He holds very still as she comes to a halt less than a foot away. "I'll be off the grid for a while, maybe a month. No contact." Her voice is authoritative, direct. Distancing herself. "I just," she adds, gentler. "I didn't want you to think it was because of you."

"Alright," he repeats, licking his lips.

"I'll let you know when I get back," she offers. The hesitance in her tone makes him think that perhaps this isn't something she usually does, which makes him smile tentatively.

"I'm looking forward to it, Natalia," he tells her sincerely.

A reciprocating smile appears on her face and she lifts a hand to touch his cheek lightly. "Stay out of trouble while I'm gone," she says seriously.

"Yes, ma'am," he promises.

"Maybe you can keep Steve out of trouble, too," she adds with a grin.

"That will be more of a challenge."

"Well, do what you can."

She starts to turn away and he catches her wrist lightly in his right hand. "Stay safe," he says seriously.

"Clint will watch my back. And Fury said it wouldn't be too dangerous," she reassures him, not moving in his grip.

He shakes his head slightly, frowning. "Fury doesn't have my perspective."

"And what's your perspective?" she asks.

It may be his imagination, but she seems to lean a little closer at the question. Ignoring his first impulse, he drops her wrist and moves his hand to hover over the scar he knows is above her hip. "That you've been through enough," he answers softly. "And are irreplaceable."

Smiling, she covers his hand and presses it against her scar, then reaches up to cup his cheek. "You're sweet. But I knew what I was doing," she adds before leaning in and kissing him briefly. Then she steps back and winks at him before turning away. "I'll see you soon, James," she says over her shoulder as she disappears around the corner.

Struggling to keep from grinning, he lets himself out of her apartment and walks home. As he turns his key in the lock, he wonders what she meant when she referenced Odessa.