Tag to 10.08, Hibbing 911

"Thanks for not giving up on me, Sammy."—Dean, In My Time of Dying

"You're my big brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you."—Sam, All Hell Breaks Loose

DEAN

As soon as we're back in the bunker, Sam plops down in front of the research we left scattered on the table and that's when I know…..I know regardless of what I told him in Hibbing, he doesn't believe it any more than I do. Every fiber of my being is screaming for me to believe that I'm okay, that I'm really me and nothing more…..every fiber of my being except for the Mark on my right arm. It's screaming something totally different and it's become almost impossible to ignore.

Sammy has to be exhausted after the 12 hour drive but he refuses to show it. As I pour myself a drink, I watch my brother….his head bent over the laptop, fingers tapping away at the keys, desperately searching for an answer. I no longer believe an answer will be found anywhere in our research but even if I told him this, he'd never give up. It's not in him to give up. He's the most stubborn man I've ever known and as I watch him, my heart literally aches for what I've put him through and what I'm bound to put him through again.

I toss back a shot of whiskey and immediately pour myself another. You'd think by now I'd know how to weigh the consequences of my actions but I've never been very good at that. I've always lived in the moment, whether it was work or pleasure. I guess I never really gave much thought about my life and what would happen in the future. I never thought I'd be around as long as I have been and once you get set in your ways….well, it's hard to change them. Just as Sammy will never give up, I'll never think twice about putting my life on the line when it comes to the greater good. I took on the Mark for a reason and I'd do it again if the circumstances were the same. I swallow the second shot of whiskey and wince as it burns its way down my throat…..unfortunately, my inability to consider the cost of my actions always hurts the ones I love.

I must have been boring a hole in the back of Sam's head because he glances around at me and holds my gaze for a long moment. His eyes are wet with tears and I know he's been having some hard thoughts of his own. Without a word, I pour a second shot of whiskey and set it by his laptop as I take the seat across from him. I pick up the last stack of papers I'd been combing through and pretend to read what's written there.

I don't know what's gonna happen but I know what I can't do. I can't go down that dark road again. I know Sammy can bring me back but I can't keep doing it. I already feel like I lost a part of me that I can never get back. I can't do it again. One way or the other, this has to end…..whatever it takes…..and suddenly I know what has to be done.

Cas is the one who can end this. If I go dark side, he can take me out. He can do what Sam can't…..because Sam will never let me go, not without a fight. He's already proven that in the lengths he went to this last time. No matter what he may have said to the contrary in the past year, when it came down to it, he couldn't let me go and I can't fault him for that because God knows, I've never been able to let him go.

I don't want to do this to him again. I know how much pain my death caused him. I know what he went through but Cas can keep an eye on him. He can make sure Sam keeps fighting the good fight, even without me. Sam can do it and if he knows it was my last request, he'll do it for me. I know that's a low blow but I can't be a demon again. I just can't.

This time it's Sam who is boring a hole into me and I glance up at him. "What?"

"Are you okay?"

"Little tired after that drive, but yeah, I'm okay." As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I realize the hand holding my empty whiskey glass is shaking and Sam gives an almost imperceptible nod towards it.

I give a nervous laugh and jump up to get a refill so I can avoid any further questions. As I pour another shot of whiskey, I turn my back so Sam doesn't see how bad my hands are trembling. I'm not afraid of dying or of what comes after and while I love my brother with all my heart, I'm not afraid of leaving him alone. He's always been stronger than me. He can make it without me.

What I'm afraid of is hurting him, of losing myself and killing my brother…..I'm afraid of the evil within me, the demon that's just waiting to surface again. I can't be that thing. I can't be a monster. I won't be. I just can't.

SAM

I don't think Dean is lying to me on purpose. I think he wants to believe what he told me in Hibbing…it's even possible that for a second he reallydid believe it himself but I know it's not true. I saw him rubbing the Mark. He does it even when I don't think he realizes he's doing it. It's like it's calling to him but he doesn't always know it. I do. I always know and it terrifies me.

I'm bone tired after the drive, not to mention fighting the vamps, but I don't have time to sleep. I have to find a way to save Dean from the Mark. I don't care what it takes….I'm not going to let it have my brother. We had no idea what the Mark would do the first time around but now that we do…..I can't let Dean become a demon again. Even though I can bring him back, how many times can that happen before he loses his mind? There was a time when nothing put pure terror into my brother's eyes except the sound of a hellhound but lately, I've see that same terror there…..when he's trying to convince me he's okay, I can see the untold fear in his eyes screaming to me that he's anything but okay.

A lump forms in my throat and the web page I'm searching blurs as tears fill my eyes. I've tried so hard to find an answer, to find a way to remove the Mark and save Dean but I'm almost convinced the answer isn't going to be found on the internet or in any of the Men of Letters research. It doesn't stop me from looking. I can't. I have to exhaust every avenue there is and pretty soon those avenues are going to turn into dark alleys. Those are the ones I can't tell Dean about. He knows what I did to save him before and even though we haven't really talked about it, I know he doesn't want me going down that path again but I will do whatever it takes to save my brother.

I feel Dean watching me and turn to stare at him for a moment. Does he know what I'm thinking? Probably. He knows me too well. Doesn't change anything. I will save him if it's the last thing I do. It's the least I can do for the brother who has sacrificed everything for me…..the brother I would die for, the brother I love.

Without a word, Dean places a shot of whiskey next to my laptop and sits across from me. He picks up the closest stack of papers and pretends to read. I know it's for my sake that he's going through the motions. He doesn't believe the answer will be found in this research any more than I do but he doesn't want me to worry more than I already am. He wants me to think he's perfectly okay but when is he going to realize that as well as he knows me, I also know him.

I stare at him for a moment and he looks up, giving me his best annoyed look: "What?"

"Are you okay?" I know what the patented Dean Winchester answer will be before he even opens his mouth.

"Little tired after that drive, but yeah, I'm okay."

I give a slight nod toward the empty glass in his hand, wondering if he even knows how much his hand is trembling. He tries to laugh it off, jumping up from his chair and crossing the room for another drink. I watch him as he turns his back to me. He doesn't want me to know how bad his hands are shaking but I do. I know he's terrified and so am I.

I know he doesn't want to go back down that dark road again. I know what it means for him and I'll do whatever I can to keep him from it because I can't do it again either. I can't watch the Mark take control, leaving him completely lost and helpless to fight against it. I can't watch my brother die again. I can't hold him in my arms and feel the life drain from his body. I can't lose him. I won't. I just can't.

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