PLEASE READ

UPDATED AUTHOR'S NOTE. 03/09/2017.

Set during 4:13 Tears of a Clown. This takes place after Casey proposes to Jane and just after Maura notices the ring on Jane's finger in the morgue.

This started out as a one shot and looking back, this first chapter is quite different in terms of style and tone to the rest of my story. It's a much more poetic and melodramatic piece because I didn't know whether it would blossom into a story.

***With that in mind, please can I ask you to read chapter 2, as well as this one, before you form an opinion as to whether this story is for you...I can promise there's plenty of drama, angst and a helping of humour as well.***

I've written an R&I one shot 'Phobias' which is very special to me, so check that out too.

I don't own the rights to Rizzoli and Isles and don't make any money from it. Just messing with them.

XXXX

CHAPTER 1.

'How will I survive without my best friend?' The startling honesty of Maura's declaration resounded in her head as if she were recognising the truth of it for the first time.

'Maura?'...

Maura barely registered Jane's voice as she fled the morgue, pushing her way through the double doors that led out into the underground car park. She reached out to steady herself against the wall as her legs became unsteady. Her other hand flew to her mouth, anticipating the riot of emotions that were threatening to burst forth. Tears burned her eyes and threatened to spill and her vision blurred before the salty drops slipped down her cheeks.

It was the physical pain that shocked her the most, overwhelming her with it's intensity. Her stomach clenched and her throat constricted, making it even more uncomfortable to swallow down the rising nausea she felt. Her heart thudded against her chest and she felt her blood rushing in her ears. Her composure crumbled to dust as the truth of the situation finally began to hit her...She was losing Jane...

I can't lose her.

She shook her head, as if trying to dislodge all of the desperate thoughts that were flooding her mind. The thoughts that, over the past few months, had been been safely confined to her nightmares as Jane had spent more and more time with Casey.

Now the nightmares were to become her reality.

Maura's emotions were out of control, and this only served to intensify her feeling of panic. The usually composed Chief Medical Examiner for the State of Massachusetts felt herself losing her grip as the months and months of locked-down, buried deep, emotions finally fought their way to the surface.

I can't lose her. I'm not strong enough.

Home. She needed to get home. She needed to get away from here. Get away from Jane. She sucked in some much needed air and straightened up. She swallowed thickly and ran her hands down the front of her skirt, ironing out imaginary creases. She set her jaw and wiped impatiently at her glistening eyes with the back of her hand - clearing her vision. She walked stiffly and mechanically to her car and fumbled with the keys before sliding into her seat.

She sat for a moment with the engine running. Staring ahead with her fingers gripping the steering wheel with such force that her knuckles turned white. She dropped her forehead to the wheel and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to get control of her breathing and to calm her pounding heart.

I can't lose her. I'm not strong enough. I will lose myself.

Maura pulled into her driveway as the sun began to set. She didn't remember the drive home. Neither did she register the repeated ringing of her cell phone or the pinging of text messages. If she had committed half a dozen traffic violations on the way to her house she wouldn't have been aware of them. All she could think of was getting inside her home and locking the door. As if that would somehow keep the inevitability of Jane's departure at bay.

She is everything.

I can't lose her.

There was a sense of urgency now. Maura couldn't get into the house quickly enough. It was her sanctuary...Her constant. She locked the door and dropped the keys onto the console table before uncharacteristically kicking off her shoes and leaving them where they fell. She drifted past the kitchen in a daze, not noticing Bass as he rounded the corner of the kitchen island, before she climbed the stairs with frustratingly unreliable limbs.

Once inside her darkened bedroom, she made her way to the bed. Dropping her Gucci purse unceremoniously onto the rug before crawling up her bed and pulling the duvet over herself like a protective cloak. The jaw she hadn't realised she had been clenching finally relaxed a little. Her ragged breathing finally slowed and her hammering heart calmed a little. Her mind stilled for a moment. The only sound was that of her own breath puffing against the canopy of the duvet as it warmed her face.

Before Jane, she hadn't feared solitude: It had been her touchstone. Her own company had been enough. Peace and quiet, her anchor.

Now, the stillness taunted her and the emptiness of her house panicked her.

Alone. I am alone.

And in an instant, the rolling current of raw emotions screamed their way to the surface again. Ripping their way through her with fierce intensity, taking her breath away. She squeezed her eyes shut and balled her fists. Overwhelmed once more by the enormity of all that Casey's proposal meant.

I am nothing without her. I will lose myself.

Tell her.

No. She deserves to be happy.

Tell her.

No. I will lose her forever.

I. Will. Lose. Myself.

…

This one-shot turned in to an entire multi-chapter fic and I've been so grateful for the positive feedback and lovely reviews. As I said, if you're undecided as to whether this story is for you...Read chapter 2.