Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.
Dear Death Eaters,
Severus brought it to my attention that Dumbledore keeps his students and the Order in line by writing to them about they can or cannot do.
So I figured if it was good enough for him it was good enough for me.
1. Stop shouting "Kiss her you fool" every time Bellatrix sits next to me.
I swear the next time one of you shout it I will make you regret ever being born.
2. I will not give you Ice cream when you actually manage to do something right.
Which is hardly ever.
3. Wormtail is to destroy the photograph he has of me wearing a cow-boy hat.
I only put that stupid hat on because Bellatrix used the "I went to Azkaban for you," thing.
4. I do not want to get a tattoo of a fish wearing glasses so stop suggesting I get one.
I don't want a tattoo of anything.
5. Bellatrix is not allowed to set fire to anything that belongs to Lucius unless I give her orders to.
Sorry Bella, but he keeps whining about it and you know how whiny things annoy me.
6. Not allowed to pour freezing cold water over other Death Eaters because they refused to wake up and help bake cookies.
Why Draco needs to bake cookies at four in the morning I do not know and if I'm honest I don't care.
7. My bedroom is not the perfect place for a fifty foot tree and even if it was you can't put a tree in my room.
8. Stop suggesting I send Harry Potter or Dumbledore a red rose to mess with their heads.
Doing that would be wrong on so many levels.
9. Not allowed to wear blue robes instead black robes to a meeting.
I don't care if blue matches your eyes, I chose black robes for you all and you're going to wear them.
10. Whoever gave me a compass as a gift take it back, I already have a
way more awesome than the one you gave me.
11. No more whispering the word "Froze,".
11a) No more whispering anything, I don't like not hearing what you're saying.
12. Not allowed to pout when I don't let you kill someone.
This is mainly for Bellatrix and Lucius.
13. Stop leaving empty juice cartons around.
Seriously get a House Elf to throw them away.
14. "I was trying to figure out if a group clouds looked like a bunch of flowers, " is not a good enough reason for being late to a meeting.
Which is why I had to torture you.
15. If you want to keep a Dragon at headquarters please do not let it roam free and eat people.
I lost fifteen Death Eaters and if I had liked any of them I'd be pretty upset about their deaths, but luckily I didn't so I'm not upset which mean I'll probably only torture a few you at the meeting tonight.
16. No whining about being tortured.
You knew what I was like before you joined me so you have no right to whine.
17. The Dark Mark wouldn't be better if it were available in other colors.
18. Not allowed to question why Bellatrix gets with way more than you nor moan about how unfair that is.
Basically just keep your mouth closed and hope I don't kill you.
19. When you get stupid letters from Order members do not reply to them.
Especially if you're not going to even try to insult them.
20. You cannot vote for a new Dark Lord.
21. I will kill the next person who says "technically my mother was blood traitor,".
No one is allowed to talk about my mother.
22. At least try to be semi competent.
23. No how many babies does it take to defeat a Dark Lord jokes.
24. If Nagini wants to kill you, you must let her.
See the pecking order around here is Me, Nagini and then Bellatrix the rest of you have proved you're more than useless.
25. If there is a great big sign saying "Do Not Touch," then don't touch it.
26. Never get into argument with Bellatrix because she'll either torture/kill you or make sure that screw up enough so I kill you.
27. Not allowed to walk around naked.
28. Changing my name to Lord Fluffy Bunny will not help us win the war.
29. The following things are no longer allowed in meetings,
fireworks
water Pistols
food
alcohol
axes
water Balloons
dolls that look like Harry Potter.
30. Stop suggesting I seek anger management.
Because I don't need it.
31. Do not call Greyback a "Good doggie".
32. There is not a monster under your bed and even if their is I'm not killing it for you.
I have enough to do around here.
33. Shouting "WE ARE ALL DOOMED!" when I am speaking will result in you being in pain.
34. Whoever charmed my bedroom walls pink have 24 hours to uncharm it before I get seriously annoyed.
35. We are not at war with a rock that kind of look likes a chicken so stop telling people we are.
36. We are supposed to be evil and people are supposed to afraid of us which will not continue to happen if you go around rescuing cats from trees and handing out teddy bears.
37. None of you have the authority to try and negotiate a peace treaty with Dumbledore.
38. Anything that Bellatrix suggests will be fun is not for the faint hearted or the really squeamish.
39. The following excuses are not acceptable as to why you're late to a meeting,
-"My mother wanted me to help her rearrange the furniture".
-"I had a date,".
-"I was eating ice cream and it seemed more important than plotting world domination".
40. Rodolphus is to asking why I summon Bellatrix in the middle of the night.
The Dark Lord