Post Traumatic Stress

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I was always told that to be a leader, you must the have the distinct focus and understand of the world around you. I have always lived by that. I have never broken my focus, my goals always in line. I have always protected my family. I have always been the strong, eldest brother.

That title, those responsibilities are what lead me to break.

I guess I should have thought it through when I started to see things that weren't there. Foot soldiers in our home, Purple Dragons running down the sewers, bishops men, waiting in our rooms.

The nights I have woken up in sweat, vomiting everything I have eaten before. I would shake everyday at randoms times. I felt like I was losing control of myself.

Not just the physical but the mental stability I have worked my entire life to obtain started to become unraveled I started to feel more agitated, more impatient with every passing day. Donatello's working in his lab, banging his mechanics made me jump. Raphael pounding his punching bag made me squirm and Michelangelo's laughter made me feel enraged.

I felt anger towards my brothers, how they couldn't see the dangers ahead of us, how they all lived without any worry. I was constantly thinking of the worse, how if I turned my back wrong once, my family would die and it would be my fault.

It was always my fault.

Memories flooded my mind every night when I tried to sleep, everyday it taunted me as I tried to function. I wasn't allowed to speak of the horrors that haunted my brain because I had to stay strong for everyone else. Leaders don't break, leaders dont cry and bitch about what has happened. No amount of times of near death experiences can ever allow tears. It just wasn't allowed.

Until I broke that rule. I broke, my soul shattered for the final time after witnessing yet another tragedy. I watched by brothers speak of it, heal one another, but I couldn't. Because I was the fucking leader.

My brothers relied on me for support, for strength, which I can no longer supply. Because I failed. I became weak, I fell under the emotions and allowed myself to break. The demons in my head haunting me, the people I have killed, or were killed because of me. I can't live with this pain any longer, and knowing I have failed my family. I am no leader.

The last thing I will be leading will be this bullet through my skull.

A/N: I SWEAR I DIDNT FORGET ABOUT THIS DRABBLE! But its finally complete and I hope you all enjoyed and I do apologize for the incredibly late update. Till next time!

-F