A/N I do not own TMNT, but I am eternally grateful for this existence!

It's happening guys. I am writing a Raphril 2k12 ship arc… I know it's probably going to deviate from where the series heads, but I still want them to happen. So here's my AU where everything is the same except the obvious. Not going to lie I am kind of terrified about taking this on. It will be a huge challenge to do this ship justice so please please please let me know what you think! Hopefully I will not disappoint my fellow shippers!

Also technically this takes place after "Struggle," but the arc will continue in chapters here because I originally wrote "Struggle" intending for it to be a one-shot. I guess I could combine them… But I don't feel like it.

Love or Blood

Chapter 1: It's Never Simple

He hadn't planned to face her so soon. It had only been one sleepless night since that moment under the stars. All was right in his world the moment she draped her arm around his neck. Her warmth filled him with fear and worse, it filled him with hope. He knew there was no turning back, but Raphael was still not ready to give voice to something he had long believed to be unspeakable. Even now, the eve after his acceptance of its presence, he had to wait. Yet, here he was standing before her kneeling figure struggling to fight the very words he thought he could deny.

The previous evening's drive home had been uneventful. Michelangelo continually regaled them with highlights from the race, easily filling the silence that consumed the van's other occupants.

It was expected for Leonardo to not participate in the discussion. Since awakening their leader had withdrawn, seeking shelter within himself. Leonardo may have started to heal physically, but Raphael knew his older brother still bore grave wounds deep inside. Raphael had stood by Leonardo since their arrival at the farmhouse, and tried to guide his brother back to them. When his brother finally awoke from his coma, Raphael foolishly believed the hardest part behind them. Quickly, it became horribly apparent that calling Leonardo back to the waking world was only the beginning of a very long and difficult journey. Raphael tried to help his brother, but his efforts were met all too often with frustration and failure. As time went on, Raphael found himself praying for a solution that would bring his brother back to them. His prayers had yet to be answered.

Yes, Leonardo's introverted conduct had been predictable. However, Raphael and April's behaviour deviated from the norm, and was further emphasized by the absence of Casey and Donatello. The newly formed Best Friends for Life had not hesitated to leave the van in their bromance-mobile's dust, much to the chagrin of everyone except apathetic Leonardo. Michelangelo unsurprisingly wanted a ride in the victorious speedster. Raphael and April had less superficial feelings on the matter. Consequently, although the ride was uneventful, Raphael still found it painful to endure.

When they returned to the farmhouse, everyone in their exhaustion had headed to bed hoping to glean what they could from the remainder of the night. While his brothers quickly fell unconscious, Raphael had been left to stare sleeplessly at the wall. After several hours of endless repositioning, endless sighs, and endless sheep, the green-eyed turtle had finally given in to his insomnia at four. He had momentarily considered seeking respite from his whirling thoughts via television, but instead he went outside.

In the cool early morning air, thousands of stars still littered the sky. Their calming light guided Raphael across dewy green field to ancient red barn. He scaled creaking boards and dusty rafters to finish his ascent on moss-covered shingles. On that roof, under a lonely black zenith, Raphael begged for solace. He was exhausted, confused, and frustrated, but he could not sleep while his mind and heart raged. For when he closed his eyes, all he could see was Casey, Donatello, and her.

Raphael wished he could tell April how he felt. He wished he could simply confess his feelings to her and all would be well. He knew better. Life was not full of kittens, sunshine, and rainbows, and it had never been fond of Raphael. It did not matter if April shared his feelings, Raphael knew approaching her would be considered a betrayal to both Donatello and Casey. Raphael could handle Casey. His brother was another story.

He knew Donatello would be deeply hurt and therefore less than forgiving. Of all his brothers, Donatello was most likely to hold a grudge. You pushed him too far and that was it. Raphael suspected Donatello would not be outright aggressive, but the alternative was probably worse. His little brother would become subtly vindictive, exercising his aggression passively while maintaining a wounded puppy demeanor. Donatello's punishment alone would be agonizing, but Raphael knew he would torture himself alongside his younger brother's administrations. To hurt his brother that deeply would fuel an unprecedented amount of guilt. This addition of self-loathing would transform Raphael's life into the personal Tartarus he deserved.

Raphael felt he could not even ask if April felt the same way without betraying Donatello. Yet, the sai-wielding turtle could not go on this way. He already had begun to distance himself from the others, and he could feel his anger growing with every day he hid it. Raphael knew in time it would destroy him; before the invasion, he would have let it.

Before, Raphael had the freedom to have his rage burst out uncontrollably. Inevitably when it got him into trouble, Leonardo or Master Splinter would come to his rescue. They would pick up the pieces and Raphael could continue on with his irresponsible way. That was no longer an option. Splinter was dead and Leonardo wasn't much better. The leader they had come to rely so heavily on was gone, and they still needed someone to pick up the pieces. Someone to take responsibility for the team. Donatello was too lost in his inventions and dreams. Casey well was Casey, and Michelangelo made Casey look like Alexander the Great. Raphael considered April a possibility, but although she was a quick learner, she was still years behind in ninjutsu experience. The only one left was him.

After the Snake Weed incident, Raphael recognized that not only was Leonardo an infinitely better leader than him, but he did not want the responsibility. Raphael didn't want the burden of his brothers' lives, and frankly, he did not trust himself with it. The Raphael then still did not realize how petty his desires and fears were. After everything that happened, he had come to look beyond himself to realize the depth of what was at risk. Raphael had already lost his father and a brother. He refused to let that happen again. If that meant carrying the cross of leadership, then so be it.

He still prayed that their Leonardo would come back to them, but their once fearless leader was lost in a battle of his own. In order to come back, Leonardo had to overcome his demons, but he could not win if he did not have a reason to fight. That was something Leonardo had to discover on his own, and until that day arrived, Raphael would be there. He would lead them, which meant he could no longer afford to bury his feelings. Leonardo had been a master of controlling his emotions, but the second youngest did not have the same luxury. Instead, Raphael's neglected emotions usually festered into unpredictable ticking time bombs leaving chaos in their wake. If the red-clad turtle was to lead, he must eliminate or at least limit such liabilities.

When the stars finally began to fade in submission to the rising sun, he had a course of action. In order to keep his sanity, Raphael had to talk to Donatello. It would not be a pleasant conversation. If Raphael didn't word it just right his younger brother would be likely to explode, which in turn would probably cause his own detonation. However even if he angered Donatello, Raphael hoped his brother would see how much this entire situation had been tormenting him. He could only pray that if anything actually did happen with April in the future, Donatello would not feel as betrayed and disown him. Raphael did not want to have to confront his brother. He would have fought the Robo Roach a hundred times over than have a conversation that would inevitably hurt both of them, but no matter how painful it would be, it needed to happen.

It was not until the sun was fairly high in the sky that Raphael finally found the courage to seek out Donatello, but just as he jumped from his perch on the barn, he saw said turtle and Casey heading in his direction. Raphael took one look at his smiling brother and bolted.

He heard Donatello's confused, "Raph?" but did not stop. He sprinted through the woods until he skidded to a stop before nearly flattening a kneeling red-head. Of course he would run into the one person who had started all of this emotional hell. If it weren't for her Raphael would not even be in this mess! Yet when she turned those azure eyes on him, he knew he wouldn't want it any other way and therein lay his weakness.

He clenched his fists in frustration, "Damn It!"

The turtle knew he was off to a fantastic start. He hadn't slept, was panting heavily, and his first words to her were a curse. A mild curse, but it was a curse nonetheless. She blinked up at him, but before she could respond he spat out, "Sorry!"

Her hands were covered in dirt, the beds of her nails were black, and a dark streak on her cheek marked where her hand had brushed the skin. April had mentioned the previous afternoon about beginning to plant their garden. Although no one had voiced the thought, it was a possibility that the party would remain in North Hampton for another winter. Their limited funds were not enough to sustain them through the bitter season, and so no one argued against attempting to procure a harvest. If successful, they would be able to fill the root cellar and hopefully see another spring.

She still looked confused, "You ok Raph?"

He grunted, "I'm fine."

She frowned, "Well then since you're "fine," why don't you give me a hand?"

He grunted again, "Fine. With what?"

April pointed to her left, "See that bag of fertilizer? Spread enough of it over the rows to make an even layer. Only do the ones marked cabbage, spinach, and lettuce though because that's all I've planted so far."

Wordlessly he stomped over to the specified bag and did as she requested. Throughout his entire chore they worked in silence. Raphael could feel the unspoken words between them. He did not like how they crawled on his skin and pulled at his nerves. Yet, as he began to even out the freshly poured fertilizer over the rows, he felt his blood pressure decrease. About twenty minutes later he too had dirt under his nails, but was starting to feel more relaxed. The words were still there, but they were no longer as stifling. He was pleased to hear his voice lose some of its earlier menace, "I'm done. What else you need?"

"Here," she tossed him a little baggie of seeds, "You can plant the green beans in a row on the far side of this bed."

She indicated opposite side of the bed she was currently working in, "Make sure they're at least two inches apart."

He settled on his knees across from her and examined the packet, "I don't like beans."

Raphael saw her smile as he ripped open the packet, "Says the guy who lived off of worms and algae for how long?"

She passed him a small gardening spade and he began digging his first hole, "You know algae's not so bad. We still eat it sometimes."

"Ok I'll give you the algae, but you really think beans are worse than worms?"

A flash of pink caught his eye. In an instant he had it squirming between his fingers, "What? This little guy would go great with your morning coffee."

He loved the way her face crinkled in disgust, "Eww Raph, that's gross! Put it back!"

Raphael smirked, "I didn't eat breakfast you know."

April's eyes widened in horror, "What? You guys didn't even cook them?"

He rolled his eyes, "We were giant turtles living in a sewer April. Why would we cook them?"

"But… But Master Splinter wasn't –" she covered her mouth with a hand and he felt his grin fall, "I am so sorry Raphael. It just slipped out…"

He shrugged, "Don't worry about it," and tried to keep his face from tightening too much, "Sensi was Japanese. He ate plenty of stuff weirder than worms."

He could tell she was grateful he had forgiven her slip, "That's true I guess… But doesn't it wiggle?"

Raphael recovered some of his swagger, "Only if you don't chew first."

Her previous look of disgust was back, "You aren't seriously going to eat it are you?"

"Wow April, so I don't even get breakfast because it grosses you out?"

She whined, "Raphael…"

He brought it closer to his face, "Don says lots of people around the world eat them."

Raphael had actually been seriously considering eating it. His stomach had persistently been after his attention since he started pouring fertilizer. However, at the sound of Donatello's name a stab of guilt ran through his gut; the resulting nausea made him abandon the worm. April sighed in relief and probably assumed the sour look on his face was part of the joke, "Thank-you! How about we finish this bed and we grab something?"

He nodded and summoned as much bravado as he could, "If you make it."

"What?!"

"Hey a potential meal is still within grasp."

She huffed, "Fine. I'll make you a sandwich."

Raphael nodded in approval. He returned to digging holes and stuffing seeds into them. Still, his guilt plagued him. He knew he shouldn't be anywhere near April until he talked to Donatello. Yet the instant she put her eyes on him, his feet were glued to the spot. He frowned in frustration over these relentless thoughts. Could he not have one moment of peace? April's voice broke through his reverie, "It reminds me of you. You know?"

He looked up at her, "Huh? The worm?"

She gestured down, "Ug no! The earth."

He smirked, "I remind you of dirt?"

She sighed in exasperation, "Not in a bad way. I meant like the element."

Raphael shook his head, vexed by her choice of topic, "Newsflash April, fire's my element. Why do you think I have the red mask?"

She gave him a penetrating look, "You don't see it?"

He responded flatly, "No."

She shook her head and returned to her work. After a few seconds of staring at her in confusion, he heard her speak quietly with her eyes trained on her work, "I know you have fire, but there's earth too."

He mumbled, "She says to the temperamental jerk."

April sighed, "A jerk who always has our backs and has the endurance to last. You always come through for us Raph."

"It's called being stubborn April."

She gave a small knowing smile to the soil, "My point exactly."

Raphael wasn't convinced, "Riiiiight."

April continued, "Then what about Leo?"

He cocked his head in question, "What about him?"

"Your earth is what has helped him to heal."

He frowned, "I'm no healer April."

She shook her head, "You're wrong. Leo wouldn't have come this far without you."

Raphael clenched his fists. She was wrong. Didn't she see the husk that had replaced his older brother? If Raphael had been as good as she claimed, then the Leonardo he knew and loved would be here with them now. He snapped, "Because the magical healing power of my sponge baths have really made a difference."

Her hands stilled in the soil, "You and I both know you've done so much more than that."

He didn't want to argue with her any further. This conversation was rapidly deteriorating, and he had enough on his mind already. Raphael did not need another painful reminder of Leonardo's current condition weighing on his already exhausted brain. He wanted her to get to the point, "Ok fine. Say you're right, and I'm like the earth or whatever. What's this about?"

He was alarmed when he saw dark spots appear on the ground before her. He ignored the seeds he had just planted and was kneeling before her in an instant, his anger forgotten. April was clearly distraught because even with him so close, she still stared at the ground, refusing to meet his eyes. Raphael berated himself for being so impatient and cynical to her, but before he could apologize she whispered, "So much has happened. Our families are broken. We're refugees. The Kraang and Shredder threaten the world as we know it. What's happened to us is more than anyone should bear."

She finally looked up and her sapphires met his emeralds, "So why is it that when I'm with you I feel grounded? That I feel as if the wound in my soul is no longer bleeding?"

Raphael's heart jolted out of his chest. He had not expected this. Only April could throw him such a disabling curveball. If there was ever a moment to tell her how he felt now would be it, but all Raphael could do was stutter, "April… I…"

He wanted to bolt. To run again, but this time he wouldn't. He slowly lifted a dirt-covered hand and placed it on her cheek. Her eyes closed and a blush of a smile appeared. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, but he could not have her yet. "April… I can't…"

Raphael thought his heart would die at the look of horror on her face. She recoiled away from him, but he couldn't let her leave. He placed his hands firmly on her shoulders, "April, wait..."

She did not return his gaze. Instead he saw her eyes bore holes into the ground at his feet, "I got to talk to Don."

April's eyes slowly dragged themselves up to him, "Is that it?"

He loosened his grip, "You know how he feels."

April's fiery eyes turned up to his, "So what are you going to say to him? Hey can I join you and Casey in your battle for April? Am I just a prize to you too Raphael?

He bristled, "I would never treat you like that!"

April continued to emit sparks, "Yet you still insist on talking to Donatello before you will talk to me? Do my feelings even matter?"

Raphael snapped, "Geezus April of course they do! But I owe it to Don…"

April cut him off, "You don't owe him anything Raphael! If two people like each other they should be allowed to like each other! Or is that what this is? A convoluted way of you saying you don't feel that way?"

He couldn't restrain his growl, "April don't you see? I've been torturing myself for months all because I fell for the same girl as my brother!"

He slammed his mouth shut and jerked his arms away at his words. Despite all his efforts, on the day he finally decided to confront his younger brother Raphael had slipped. Just like that he had made his heart bare. In those few words he both confessed his feelings for April and betrayed his brother. His vulnerable heart cowered in his chest, but then she reached for his hand, "You really mean that?"

Those four words somehow gave his helpless heart courage. With his free hand, Raphael reached out and cupped her face again, "April, I've never been more sure."

Still he had to ask it, "But are you?"

She fell forward, hugging him viciously, "Raphael, there's no one I'd rather be with than you."

April rested her forehead on his plastron under his chin. As soon as her arms had wrapped around his shell he had embraced her own small figure. For a few minutes they just sat in each other's arms in the middle of the flower bed. The earthy scent of spring and sunshine, his leathery musk, and her aroma of vanilla and strawberries blanketed them in bliss. If not for the dirt and sweat from their labour, he would have thought he was dreaming, but these subtle imperfections made it perfect reality. Raphael knew he would burn this moment into his memory. He never wanted to forget his brief, if fleeting, taste of paradise.

The red-haired angel in his arms eventually pulled away slightly and tilted her head up in question, "But why didn't you just say something? Why torture yourself for so long?"

Raphael sighed and released her, "April he's my brother! We all know he's crazy about you and I'm sure you can guess how he would react if I just jumped in and stole you away."

She shook her head, "But Raphael I was never his. I was never anyone's. No one ever bothered to ask me who I liked. Casey and Don both assumed that if they liked me then automatically I'd return their feelings, but if I did, don't you think I would have chosen by now?"

He looked at her seriously, "I doubt they've thought of it that way, but I still want to talk to Don before this goes any further."

She frowned, "But what happens if he says no? Do Donnie's bidding because he's a sore loser? Or ditch me and your feelings altogether?"

Raphael folded his arms, "The only chance I have of Don not feeling betrayed is to get everything out in the open," at her look of despair he continued, "but whatever happens my feelings won't change."

Her face had softened but her eyes still were concerned, "Are you sure you don't want me to talk to him?"

He shook his head, "You should probably talk to him later, but I need to be first."

She scooted away from him as he stood, "Just remember it's just as much my choice to be with you as it is yours."

Raphael walked away, "Heh. Try telling him that."

Raphael did not look back as he headed in the direction of the barn. His conversation with Donatello could no longer wait. It needed to happen now. Raphael was terrified and wanted to bolt again. This time he wouldn't. He just hoped that after this he would still have a brother who loved him as much as Raphael loved him.

A/N So there it is. Raphril 2k12 is happening. I'm still kind of flabbergasted that I'm attempting such a challenge! I spent a lot of time trying to make it believable, in character, romantic yet not too cheesy, and consequently rewrote it so many times... The dialogue was especially challenging since I wanted to convey a lot of different aspects of their relationship at once. Please let me know what you think, and where I can improve! Just no flames please.

Hopefully I did the 2k12 Raphril ship justice and my sequels do not disappoint!