Chapter 24: Purposely Pining

Tuesday 2/18/1997

Draco woke feeling short of breath. He forced himself out of bed. He could tell it was still early. His roommates were all still sleeping soundly and the gloomy green glow that constantly emitted from the lake facing wall was still muted with the predawn light.

Draco ached all over though particularly in his back. He had been extremely conscious of his back ever since his wings had first broken free. He had managed to retract them easily enough and, small mercies, they had not burst forth again since. But their very existence was a constant reminder of what he had done, what he had taken from Harry, and what he had become.

Draco hadn't been overly bothered back in December when he first found out that he was no longer human. Other than his concern over how the Dark Lord would react he had been rather blase about the physical changes he had undergone and the fact that he was now technically a creature. It was easy to be unconcerned when all of the physical changes were merely minor enhancements on his preexisting good looks, but this was something else entirely. He had wings for Merlin's sake! This shouldn't surprise him. He'd known that this was a possible, even likely, outcome to him consummating the bond with Harry yet somehow he'd never really let himself think about it.

For all that he had been accepting of both the bond and his changing feelings toward Harry, Draco had never really given himself time to think about how he felt about becoming a Veela. He had thought about how his mother might feel, concerned but supportive; how his father might feel, disdainful but resigned; how the Dark Lord might feel… Draco preferred not to ruminate on that one too much. But, he had not seriously taken the time to process his own feelings. He had not grieved for the loss of his humanity. He had merely taken the changes in stride, used his new powers proudly and ignored any symptoms he didn't like. But this couldn't be ignored. He had wings. Retractable, yes, but nevertheless very non-human wings.

And why did he have wings? Because he had stupidly, impulsively, instinctively completed their bond, without proper thought or caution or even the consent of his partner. Now he was stuck like this. Pining for the touch of a partner who didn't even know they were bonded. Who couldn't even know they were bonded. Because if he did know, if Draco told him, then he would hate Draco for taking this choice away from him. He had already forcibly bonded Harry once, but now their very lives were bound together. If Draco died, Harry would die and vice versa. Draco's heart ached just at the thought of losing Harry. His instincts cried out to find his mate and protect him.

How were they going to survive this war? How could two teenage boys hope to defeat the most violent British Dark Lord in centuries? How was Draco going to keep this bond a secret when after only three days he was already falling apart?

0~0~0

Tuesday 2/18/1997

Severus watched with carefully concealed concern as his godson funneled into the Great Hall, seemingly hiding himself in a crowd of his peers. He had been keeping an eye on Draco ever since the boy had been a no show all weekend and had come up for air on Monday looking half dead. If anything his appearance was even worse than yesterday. His movements were stilted as though he was in pain and Severus noted a slight tremor in his hand as he lifted the pitcher of pumpkin juice. Severus didn't know what was going on with the boy, but he was willing to bet that somehow or another it was Potter's fault.

Severus resisted the urge to pinch his nose. Such public displays of emotion were beneath him. He would confront his godson after breakfast in his private offices where he could be assured that there were no eavesdropping ears. Whatever happened to create such a marked deterioration in such a short amount of time was not something that he was willing to chance other Slytherins learning about. He was better than most at not typecasting Slytherins as irredeemable evildoers but that didn't make him a naïve fool. The Dark Lord had many ears in this school and if, like he suspected, Harry and their bond was at the root of Draco's ailment, it would be a disaster if that knowledge found its way to the Dark Lord.

He rose smoothly from his seat when it looked as though his godson was nearly finished and strode along side the Slytherin table until he reached the unusually oblivious boy.

"You will meet me in my office immediately following breakfast. No excuses." He commanded in a near whisper before continuing his way down the line and out of the Hall. He strode away without looking back. He knew Draco would follow. Godson or not, Slytherins knew when to follow a direct order from their Head of House.

Sure enough less than a minute after he settled himself behind his desk, he heard a soft knock on his office door.

"You may enter."

Draco came in, immediately closing the door behind him. With a lazy wave of his hand Snape sent non-verbal locking and anti-eavesdropping spells at the door. Draco took a seat in front of him, still remaining sullenly silent.

"You will explain to me the reason behind your current state of ill health immediately." Severus demanded without preamble.

Draco jolted at his tone and then flinched, as if in pain from the sudden movement. Snape's eyes narrowed as the silence dragged on.

"I've no patience for insubordination this morning, Draco. I've got a double period of imbecilic Gryffindor second years in," The professor dramatically checked his watch, "less than 45 minutes. Do not make me repeat myself."

"I'm suffering withdrawal symptoms because I've been avoiding Harry." Draco blurted out in one breath.

Snape's eyebrow rose. "Withdrawal symptoms. Are you saying that you are addicted to Mr. Potter?"

Draco flushed. "The bond. This is just a symptom of our bond."

"I do not recall this symptom plaguing you before. What catalyst preceded this newfound problem?" Draco looked away, refusing to answer. "And why, might I ask, are you avoiding Mr. Potter? Dare I assume the two are related." Snape queried.

"I can't. I can't be near Harry. If I do, he'll know." Draco explained without explaining anything at all.

"It would seem to me Draco that you don't have much of a choice. If your avoidance of Potter is the cause of your rapid deterioration in health than you need to desist immediately." Snape commanded.

"I can't! If I spend time with him there is no way I can keep what I did a secret!" Draco burst out emotionally. Severus was surprised to see his godson appearing to be on the verge of tears.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

"Please don't ask. I can't. Please. Just, let this be. I'll find a way of dealing with the withdrawal. Just please let this alone."

Severus sighed. He intensely disliked unknowns, even more so unknowns that impacted the health and well being of the few people he cared about, but he could see that Draco was desperate right now and pushing him was likely to do more harm than good.

"I will be watching you Draco. If your health doesn't improve in the next few days than we will be talking again and I will not accept nonsensical answers."

Draco nodded vigorously. "I'll take care of it, just please, don't say anything to Harry."

Severus sighed resignedly, remembering a too similar conversation he'd had with Harry only a month before. He had really thought the two boys had progressed past this point. He was not a relationship counselor for Merlin's sake. Nevertheless, he would do for Draco as he had done for Harry and keep the boy's confidences, unless the situation became sufficiently dire as to force his hand.

0~0~0

Tuesday 2/18/1997

Draco made his way nervously up to Transfiguration. His promise to his godfather ringing in his head. This would be his first shared class with Harry since they bonded. He had planned to sit as far as possible from Harry and hope that he didn't notice that his Veela Mark wasn't reacting to Draco's proximity. But he knew he needed to ditch that plan now. He need to be near Harry if he wanted to alleviate this pining. He knew that his body's adverse reaction was being exaggerated by the fact that the bond was so new. The fact that they had had literally no physical contact since the bonding on exacerbating his symptoms. He needed to be near Harry. Touch him if he could. Maybe the lack of Veela Mark reaction could be explained away as symptoms randomly changing. It's not like either of them knew much about Veela bonds anyway. There wasn't exactly a lot of literature on their particular situation. Harry could probably be convinced.

The idea of lying to his mate was not particularly tempting. In fact, just considering it felt so wrong that Draco wanted to dismiss the idea out of hand. But when the alternative was being loathed by said mate, well, lying was the lesser of evils. Draco would have to find a way to explain away his behavior for the past few days. He hadn't been particularly subtle in his avoidance of Harry. If he just suddenly started acting all chummy again that was bound to raise questions.

Hmmm… it was a problem he would have to handle delicately. First he needed to get to class. Maybe sit close enough to appease the bond, but not so close as to make Harry think that things were back to normal. Not that they would normally have sat next to each other in transfiguration anyway. House rivalry and all. Draco felt like his mind was running in circles.

"You're wrackspurts are back in full force I see." An airy voice startled him from up ahead. Draco had been so absorbed in his own thoughts that he hadn't even noticed Luna was walking towards him. "You look like you could use a cup of tea." She added.

"I have class." Draco countered lamely.

"And I have a 2783 piece bottle cap collection. What's that to do with anything?" Luna took his arm and turned him around, dragging him towards the staircase that lead to the seventh floor.

"We can't just skip…" His voice trailed off at the incredulous look on her face.

"I think we both know that you have far worse problems to deal with than another mark on your attendance record." She countered blithely.

"Luna, we can't just have a tea party in the middle of the morning on a weekday."

"I think you'll find we can." She retorted. Pacing three times in front of the all too familiar blank wall until the garden door materialized. "Now come inside before Filch finds us."

Draco surrendered to her force of will. As much as he wanted to be near Harry, he still wasn't really ready to face him and frankly he welcomed the excuse to delay it for just a little longer, even if doing so did run counter to the promise he had only just made to his godfather.

Luna poured a steaming carafe of water over two teabag laden cups and commented "I can't help but notice you're being a bit of an idiot."

Draco couldn't help the twitch of a smile at her unvarnished honesty. Luna at least could always be counted on to not pull punches.

"Oh?" He replied as he calmly blew on his steaming tea. He was curious what she knew or assumed.

Luna raised an unimpressed brow. "You know perfectly well what I'm talking about."

Luna sounded stern, much like she had the day Harry fell off his broom, rather than her usually airy self.

"You know you're hurting Harry too. He may not be pining or physically falling apart like you are, but that doesn't mean he's not hurting."

"Oh, and I suppose he told you this?"

"No, Harry and I have never spoken about your relationship. In fact, I haven't spoken to him at all since," she made an elaborate hand motion at Draco "THIS transpired. But I'm not blind. Nor am I deaf. Word has gotten around that he took Ginny to the dance. People are speculating about whether or not they are dating. I know them both well enough to know that Harry isn't interested in her. I've also heard from a few of the gossipy Ravenclaws who were actually at the party that Harry had some sort of argument with her and that she made an early, tearful exodus from the party. There's no end of speculation as to what all that was about."

"Apparently, Harry's not a very good date."

"I think we both know that Harry wouldn't have taken her there because he wanted to. He was probably strong armed into taking her by Ron."

"We agreed to go stag." Draco retorted petulantly.

"I'm sure Harry felt terrible about going back on that promise. Though it's not like he could exactly explain to Ron that he wasn't available because he had promised you that he would go alone."

Draco hesitated. "We didn't promise per se." He admitted. "But we both said we were going alone and I stayed true to that."

"I understand that it hurt you to see him with someone else, but keeping apart and not speaking is hurting you both even worse. Draco, you look terrible. Whatever happened between you. Whatever words were exchanged, the two of you can still make up. If the looks Harry has been sending you at meal times are any indication he desperately wants to talk to you."

Draco sighed."That's because he doesn't know. I'm not avoiding him because we fought. I'm avoiding him because of what happened after we fought. Harry was a bit inebriated and in retrospect I realized that his inhibitions were not what they ought have been. I took advantage of him. I didn't mean to but things got out of hand and I didn't even realize until it was too late."

She set down her cup with a clatter that resounded through the otherwise silent room for several moments. "What are you saying?" She asked finally.

Draco buried his face in his hands and answered barely above a whisper, "We're bonded. We completed the bond."

Luna sipped her tea pensively as she thought over this unexpected development finally asking, "If the two of you completed your bond then why are you still fighting? Surely you're not still mad about Ginny? If you're bonded, he's yours. There's no reason for you to feel insecure."

"I couldn't care less about him going with Ginny. Or at least not anymore. That seems so trivial and stupid now. Don't you get it Luna? Harry was drunk. I took advantage of him and in a heated moment he was in my thrall. By the time I came to my senses, it was too late. It was already over and he was in my arms, looking up at me dopily, completely enthralled with my allure. He's never going to forgive me. I've trapped him with me permanently."

Luna reached across the table and clasped his hand. "I'm sure it's not as bad as you think it is." She placated. Draco tore his hand away, voice raising against his will.

"Not as bad?! Luna, I basically raped him! And then I obliviated him to hide my crime! There is no fixing this. We are tied together and I'm wasting away pining for someone who doesn't even know he's bound to me! This is pretty much a worst case scenario. And my godfather just gave me an ultimatum that if I don't fix whatever is wrong with me in the next few days he is going to get involved, which inevitably means he will pull Harry into it. If Harry finds out what I did, he will hate me and never want to see me again; then I will waste away and die and he'll die with me because I've doomed him!" Draco was yelling and red faced at the end.

The only sign that Luna was surprised by his emotional outburst was a slight widening of her eyes. Silence dragged between them for several long minutes as she processed the full contents of his tirade.

She set her tea down calmly and rose from her seat. Walking around the table until she was standing just behind him. She rested her hands lightly on his shoulders, gently squeezing as she leaned toward his ear.

"Breathe." She commanded in a soothing voice. Draco hadn't even realized he was holding his breath. Waiting for her response, her condemnation of his crimes.

"I'll admit that this situation isn't ideal." She conceded, Draco failed to retain a derisive snort at that understatement of the century but she continued on as though he hadn't interrupted. "But I do not think this situation needs to be as dire as you are making it. You are bonded to Harry. This is an irreversible fact. I will not comment on whether or not your bonding was consensual. I was not there and it is irrelevant at this point."

"How can you say it is not relevant?" Draco demanded.

"Whether Harry was willing or not; he no longer remembers. If Harry finds out that the two of you bonded and that you immediately obliviated the event from his mind, he is going to be angry regardless of whether or not he was a consenting party to the bonding. Therefore, the consent issue is irrelevant to where you are now. We need to focus on solutions not on things that cannot be changed."

"How can you suggest it doesn't matter?"

"I'm not saying it doesn't matter. I'm saying there's nothing we can do about it. If it is even true. The only one who knows if Harry was willing was Harry and since you've robbed him of his memories now even he doesn't know. Hypothesizing on what his feelings may have been is not going to make this situation any better. You drowning in possibly misplaced guilt is only going to bog you down and prevent you from making things right."

"How could I possibly make this right?"

"Woo him. Court him properly. Secure his consent. He's eventually going to realize that the two of your are fully bonded but if you have already properly resolved things before that happens then no harm done."

"No harm!"

"Fine, perhaps 'no harm' is a bit of a stretch. But at this point, a redo is about the best you can hope for. Harry is your mate for life. Don't you think he deserves better than a drunken, possibly coerced, bonding that he doesn't even remember. Give him a memory that he can cherish. Prove that you deserve to be his mate by earning his consent to bond! Sitting around sulking, letting him think that you are mad at him is not going to fix anything. You're just hurting and confusing him and he deserves better than that. You do right by him Draco Malfoy or so help me…" Luna sucked in a deep breath a visibly calmed herself down. "You will fix this." She demanded.

Draco bolstered his resolve. "I will. I'll fix this. I'll give him the bonding that he deserves and make this right."

Luna smiled at him and for the first time since the bonding, he felt hope.