Love Potion No. 9

by Kira ([email protected])

Title: Love Potion No. 9; it's so ridiculously appropriate. So appropriate I'm sure it's been used before . . .

Rating: PG

Spoilers: None, precisely.

Pairings: EveryonexHisoka.

Genre: Humor.

Notes: A concept that came up while chatting with various people. But I think that it was Kouri that told to me to go ahead and do it, and I said I would if I was ever ridiculously hyper and feeling like writing something absolutely ridiculous. Also, Megan is to blame. For sending me a very hyper, very bouncy song from Dance Dance Revolution that you can't be help but get hyped up about.

'course, even though it's humor, I had to give it a suitably romantic, cute little ending. I'm a horrible TsuzukixHisoka fan, you see. Enjoy!

It was just another ordinary, lazy day at JuOhCho.

Konoe-kachou was in a meeting with EnmaDaioh where the ambiguity in the air was as thick as the sakura petals that run rampant through a shoujo manga. Tatsumi was very carefully counting the money in the vault to find somewhere it was lacking all for the sake of blaming Tsuzuki and making him do the pathetic puppy face. The Earl residing in the House of Candles was humming thoughtfully to himself and going through his collection of inappropriate pictures of Tsuzuki. With the head pasted onto porn pictures he had found on the Internet, of course.

Tsuzuki had holed himself up in his office, alternating between depression and joy, as usual. For the moment it appeared to be joy. He had a collection of desserts to devour, and no one knew he had them yet. Wakaba was scolding Terazuma about one thing or another, though the latter hardly seemed to hear her, and only continued to sit with his feet propped on his desk, smoking a cigarette. He really had nothing better to do with just a bit part in a manga, after all.

Hisoka was ignoring all of the lunatics and had locked himself into the library for the duration of the day. The Gushoshin Brothers were typing away at their computers, for reasons unknown. Naturally, whenever someone is typing away at a computer in a story/manga/anime/movie/etc. they're not actually doing anything. It's simply aesthetic appeal.

Not that two chickens were aesthetically appealing to begin with.

Somewhere in Hokkaido, Yuma and Saya were making some poor man get a nose bleed with their 'innocent' innuendo while bathing in a hot springs. Somewhere else, Oriya was sitting around in a garden, doing nothing, really. Just sitting with a sword across his knees and soaking up the rays of fan girlish squees. Not that anyone knew where they were coming from, really.

Somewhere else, Muraki was lusting after Tsuzuki. Nothing out of the ordinary there. But it doesn't matter because they don't come into play anyway!

And lots of other places lots of other people were doing lots of other things but those don't matter either.

Because in the deepest part of his lab at JuOhCho, the cackling mad scientist Watari Yutaka had finally completed his most amazing, most potent, most grand, most special potion ever. It would help the lonely and destitute, the people that longed for the type of love seen only on the movie screens!

It would spread love and peace everywhere.

"Love and peace!" Watari cackled, in an inappropriate impression of Vash the Stampede. Somewhere, Vash started to grumble about posers.

"But who to test it on?" Watari pondered.

Everyone at EnmaCho was so mean, they would never agree to sample his new potion. Just because he had made the mistake of turning himself and Tsuzuki into children once! It had worked out all right in the end.

He had also once given Tatsumi a monkey tail. He still wasn't quite sure how that had worked.

"I know!" he suddenly exclaimed.

There was only one obvious choice, really. There was only one person at EnmaCho that was constantly foul-tempered and suffering from the random bouts of manic depression, that could truly benefit from a potion such as this. It was his humble duty to slip it into his coffee; really, it was.

Was that 'slip in'? He really meant 'accidentally knock into.'

Clutching the beaker containing the potion as one would a precious teddy bear, Watari nearly skipped from his office with joy. He found his victim in the library -- when was the boy ever anywhere else?

"Good morning, bon!" he said cheerfully.

Hisoka did not look up from his book. "Good morning," he said dully, turning another page. Watari shook his head. This boy desperately needed his help.

"Just passing through, need to pick up a book on uh . . . rabbits."

Hisoka did not seem to notice or care that Watari was acting strangely. So immersed in his book was he (which was quite remarkable, considering it was War and Peace) that he did not even notice as Watari skipped past him, uncorked a beaker with a loud pop, and dumped a steaming potion that smelled of very potent roses into his coffee.

He was quite immersed in his book, you see. Not dense at all.

Watari skipped out of the room cackling madly.

Eventually, Hisoka reached over for his coffee cup, steal steaming and boiling with the potion that Watari had dumped in. He raised it to his lips, oblivious to the bubbling and the smell that was definitely not that of coffee, and drank.

And even then did not notice that his coffee had been tampered with. Or that it was suddenly much fuller than it had been minutes ago. Or anything else.

Maybe he was just dense, then.

It was not long before War and Peace could no longer contain Hisoka. Standing up, he gave a great big yawn. He supposed he could just go make sure that Tsuzuki was not making an idiot of himself somewhere.

He put away the book and wandered out into the main part of the library, where the Gushoshin were typing away at their computers.

"Have a nice day, Hisoka-san!" they chimed in unison as Hisoka started for the door.

"Aa."

"Oh, wait a second, Hisoka-san . . ."

Hisoka turned to the elder Gushoshin. And immediately did a double take.

The Gushoshin were staring at him with wide, sparkling eyes. The elder, more bold than his younger twin, floated forward and seized Hisoka's hand in his . . . paws. (Because all flying chickens have paws.)

"Hisoka-san . . ." the elder Gushoshin warbled. "You have beautiful eyes . . ."

"Wh-wha?!" Hisoka yanked his hand away. "What's the matter with you?"

The other Gushoshin attacked him from the other side. "And very kissable lips!"

Hisoka had a dumb moment in which he pondered how one with a beak kissed someone. He then proceeded to shake his head violently for ever wondering about such a squicky thought.

"Y-you guys are being weird . . ."

The Gushoshin exchanged glances. Then, in unison (because two chickens is better than one!), they tackled Hisoka to the ground.

"I love you, Hisoka-san!"

"No, I love you more!"

"ACK!"

Hisoka scrambled out from beneath him, gasping for breath. "You're NUTS." He raced out the door, slamming the door behind him. The Gushoshin crashed into the closed door. He could see their little peaks protruding from the other side.

"Th-that . . . wasn't funny at all . . ."

Hisoka shuddered. Honestly. Chickens! Trying to jump him! The world was screwy indeed.

He wandered down the hall, pondering their sudden (and very odd) behavior. He did not have much time to ponder before he found himself facing Konoe-kachou coming from the other direction.

"Kachou, the Gushoshin are acting really weird," Hisoka informed him. "Like . . . like . . . Kachou? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Konoe shook his head and cleared away the sudden sparkles that had appeared in his eyes. "Like what?"

"Like . . . never mind."

"What did the Gushoshin do?" Konoe asked.

"They jumped me!" Hisoka exclaimed. "And . . . and were being lovey-ish . . ."

Konoe patted him on the arm. "I wouldn't worry too much, Kurosaki-kun."

"I guess . . . um. Kachou?"

Konoe had not moved his hand. In fact, he seemed to be very slowly easing it closer to the collar of Hisoka's shirt. Hisoka proceeded to flip out as a finger slipped beneath the collar to carress his neck.

"K-kachou!" He jumped the hell out of the way. The Gushoshin was one thing, but a dirty old man was quite another.

"Kurosaki-kun . . . forget about Tsuzuki! Take me instead!"

Hisoka stared at him. "Ew! I mean, really, ew!"

Konoe made a move to pounce him. Panicking, Hisoka scampered away, turning and bolting down the hall. He had not made it even a few paces from Konoe before he was barreling into Tatsumi.

"Tatsumi-san! Help! Everybody's being really weird . . ."

Tatsumi settled his hands on Hisoka's shoulders. "Hm? What seems to be the problem?"

Hisoka pointed to Konoe, who had somehow latched himself onto Hisoka's leg and was making declarations of love.

"I'd call that pretty weird!"

"Indeed," Tatsumi agreed, raising an eyebrow. "Kachou, I apologize for doing this."

He raised a foot and kicked Konoe in the head. Konoe, in proper SD fashion, went sailing through the air and colliding with the opposite wall. He slumped down to the ground, and rather than little birdies appearing to circle around his head, little Hisokas dressed in heart-boxers appeared to do a little dance around his head. Konoe smiled a little dopey smile and watched the dancing Hisokas in delight.

"Kurosaki-kun is . . ." Tatsumi smiled slightly.

"Uh?" said Hisoka dumbly.

Tatsumi suddenly encircled Hisoka in his arms from behind. He smiled at Konoe.

". . . mine."

Hisoka proceeded to flip out for a third time. "Wh-what the hell is wrong with all of you?!"

Konoe bounced up. "No, he's mine!"

Tatsumi released Hisoka. "Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

Hisoka took the opportunity of their childish fighting to run away.

What the heck was going on? First the Gushoshin tried to jump him, and then Konoe tried to cop a feel! And Tatsumi . . . that was just too weird for words. Tatsumi was still so wound up in Tsuzuki, Hisoka thought it was impossible for him to care about anyone else . . .

"This must just be some horrible nightmare," Hisoka announced, pressing a hand to his chest and trying to regain his breath as he wandered out of the hall and into the offices. "Just a horrible, horrible nightmare . . ."

"What's a horrible nightmare?"

Hisoka nearly jumped out of his skin. "Terazuma-san!"

Terazuma was seated behind his desk, smoking a cigarette, and looking suitably growly. Per usual. Terazuma was always growly about something.

"You're not going to believe me," Hisoka said with a sigh.

"Try me."

Hisoka took a deep breath. "I was in the library and all of a sudden the Gushoshin jumped me and said that they loved me and then when I was walking down the hall to get away from them Konoe came along and tried to molest me and then Tatsumi showed up and stopped him but then he got all up close and personal and now the two of them are arguing about who has ownership of me and it's really weird I don't get this at all."

He took another deep breath, trying to recover from the power of the run-on sentence. Terazuma stared at him. Somewhere around the middle of his speech, his mouth had fallen open, and the cigarette had tumbled to the floor. He didn't think he had ever heard something quite like that before, not even when Wakaba or Tsuzuki were hyped up on sweets.

"So that's it," Hisoka concluded with a sigh. "Told you that you wouldn't believe it."

"I believe it."

Hisoka looked up. "Uh, Terazuma-san, how'd you get from your desk to in front of me so quick . . ."

Terazuma lifted a hand to touch his face. "You're so beautiful, Hisoka, just like a girl . . ."

"Not you too!" Hisoka wailed.

"Just like . . . a . . . a . . . a g-g-girl . . . ACK!"

Hisoka jumped out of the way as, quite abruptly, Terazuma transformed into Kagankokushungei. He folded his arms over his chest and looked rather pouty.

Did he really look that much like a girl? This was the second time! How insulting.

Kagankokushungei rampaged for all of five seconds before Wakaba, shinigami extraordinaire, appeared and planted an ofuda on his forehead. Terazuma reappeared, in the buff, as he usually did, modestly gathering up his clothes around him.

"A-ah, th-thanks . . ."

Wakaba sighed and threw her hands up in the air. "Really, Hajime-chan, what am I going to do with you?" She shook her head. "Sorry about him, Hisoka-kun." She turned to Hisoka with a bright smile.

Hisoka was edging carefully away from Terazuma. "It's uh . . . okay . . ."

"Hey, Hisoka-kun," Wakaba said.

Hisoka looked at her warily. She stared at him for a moment longer, and then, quite suddenly, he found himself flat on his back on the ground, staring up at Wakaba who had abruptly glomped onto him.

"Hey, do you wanna go out sometime?" she asked brightly.

"Wha--! No, I don't want to go out sometime!" Hisoka scrambled out from beneath her. "Is this all some really twisted joke you all are playing on me? Because you're all started to freak me out . . ."

Wakaba cocked her head. "Joke?"

"Wah . . ."

"What's going on?"

Hisoka whirled around. "Tsuzuki!"

Tsuzuki stood in the doorframe of his office, scratching his head and looking rather puzzled by the scene before him. Wakaba had an arm latched around Hisoka's leg, and Terazuma, still gathering his clothes around him, was looking at Hisoka through the corner of his eye in what could have only been a lustful way. Tsuzuki blinked.

Hisoka escaped from Wakaba's grip around him and flung himself at Tsuzuki, latching onto his partner. "Everybody is hitting on me!" he wailed.

Tsuzuki looked even more puzzled, if it was at all possible. "Um."

Tatsumi, Konoe, and the Gushoshin suddenly appeared.

"Kurosaki-kun!" Konoe exclaimed. "Which one of us do you belong to?" He pointed between he and Tatsumi.

"Wah," Hisoka said, but it was muffled against Tsuzuki.

"What?!" the Gushoshin exclaimed. "He's ours!"

"Yours?!" Terazuma interrupted. "A couple of CHICKENS?"

"We are not CHICKENS!"

The Gushoshin proceeded to double team Terazuma.

"Wha?" Wakaba looked rather confused as well. "I thought Hisoka-kun was going to go out with me. . ."

"Tsu~zu~ki . . ." Hisoka whined.

Tsuzuki just looked impossibly dumbfounded by the scene before him.

Suddenly, the mad cackling of Watari filled the air. Everyone sweatdropped.

Tsuzuki smiled. "Should've figured it was Watari all along."

Watari appeared in the office space, looking impossibly smug. He held the beaker containing the potion in one hand, and a camera in the other. 003 fluttered on his shoulder clapping her wings together dully.

"Love Potion No. 9 was a success!" Watari cackled.

"L-love potion?!" Hisoka repeated.

"My potion makes any person irresistible! And it worked! I have the pictures to prove it! Ah, blackmail, is there no sweeter vengeance . . ."

Tatsumi raised an eyebrow. "Then why have you not been affected?"

"I took the antidote," Watari answered, as though it should have been obvious. "You really think I was going to lust after the boy like the rest of you crazy people?" Watari cackled once again -- he was good at it. "As if."

Still affected by the potion, Konoe had crawled over to Hisoka and latched onto his leg. "There better be an antitode for the rest of us . . ." he muttered while slinking a hand up Hisoka's pant leg. Tsuzuki quite blandly kicked him away.

"Oh, sure," Watari said with a little sheepish laugh. "Here, bon, drink this."

He held out a small paper cup filled with another bubbling liquid to Hisoka. Hisoka looked at it for a moment, not quite trusting it, but swallowed it all down in one gulp.

Abruptly, everyone seemed to come to their senses.

"I feel like an idiot," Terazuma moaned. "And I don't like boys, I really don't . . ."

Wakaba patted him on the head.

Tatsumi even looked embarrassed. "Ah . . . I apologize, Kurosaki-kun."

"Hey!" Wakaba said suddenly. "How come Tsuzuki-san wasn't affected?"

Watari blinked and looked at Tsuzuki. "You weren't?"

"Nope," Tsuzuki said proudly. Hisoka was still latched onto his side, still not quite trusting anyone to suddenly leap out and try to get into his pants.

"Huh," Watari said. "I don't know why, I made it so everyone would be affected . . ."

"It's simple," Tsuzuki said. "You can't make me love him more than I already do."

Hisoka turned an embarrassing shade of red and buried his face against Tsuzuki. Wakaba proceeded to squee about how cute they were.

Tatsumi reached up and seized Watari by the ear. "Let's go have a chat about your experiments, shall we, Watari-san?"

"Ow-ow-ow!" Watari's expletives of pain disappeared as Tatsumi dragged him down the hall. Muttering, Konoe followed them, the Gushoshin floating mournfully behind him. Wakaba helped Terazuma to his feet.

"Come on, Hajime-chan, I'll make you some cookies."

"I don't want cookies . . ." Terazuma pouted, but he followed her obediently from the room.

Hisoka looked up at Tsuzuki. "Um . . ."

Tsuzuki grinned down at him.

"Don't worry, Hisoka. I'll protect you if anyone else tries to jump you!"

He laughed and struck a dramatic pose.

"Idiot," Hisoka muttered.

But he was still smiling.