I love her but, I can't be selfish

Bellamy was minding his own business when her little sister came bursting through his tent flap door for then stop abruptly in front of him. A small smile playing on her lips. The kind of smile, that he knew so well and never brought good news. At least for him.

She made a big show of looking around and then sat on his bed like she had all the time in the world

"So, tell me big brother.." She looked at him with gleaming eyes "When exactly, did you realize you were in love with Clarke?"

"What? I don't know what are you talk-"

"Oh please," She rolled her eyes "Cut the crap, Bel." she fixed him with a look "You're my brother, and I known you my entire life, hell, a couple of months, you were the only person I knew besides mom.. So I'm pretty confident when I say who gets my big brother's attention, and Clarke? She gets a lot of your attention.. Like a Lot. And-"

"Fine!" He interrupted before she could add something more.. incriminating.

She stared at him with a raised eyebrow.

Damn her and her ability to call him out on the crap..

He rubbed his palms on his face, already weary from the whole thing, and peered at her. She wasn't going to let him off the hook, not with that expectant look on her face.

He sighed.

Looks like it's gonna be a long night..

Bellamy huffed dropping his hands "God, you're so annoying sometimes.."

His sister smirked "Well, I am your sister after all.."

He snorted and then sighed again, looking down at his hands.

"I'm not in love-"

She huffed annoyed and made to say something, but he cut her off with a 'let me finish' glare. Octavia shut her mouth and gestured to go on.

He shook his head "I can't believe I'm telling you of all people" Octavia's eyebrows shot up so quickly that he wondered if it had hurt.

"And, who else you'd talk to about your feelings, huh?"

Mhm..

She had a point. It's not like he had many friends here.. And certainly he didn't have anyone to talk to about his feelings..

Damn her again. When did her little sister became so insightful?

He sighed again and sat on the chair across his bed.

"Okay then.. Well.." He took a deep breath and then burst out "God, I don't know!" he felt the urge to bang his head on something, because seriously, he didn't have any idea on how to do this.

He took another deep breath and focused on something he couldn't see. "I don't know what I'm feeling.. I just know that one day, I didn't give a shit about her and the next thing I know was that she was so much more than a wristband to me.." Octavia rolled her eyes, maybe for his attempt to use as much metaphors as possible. He ignored her and continued. "Something shifted.. But I'm not sure when.. Of course our relationship changed when we decided to become leaders.." He frowned lost in his thoughts "When they disappeared and Finn and I started our search.. I felt like Clarke was influencing my every choice.. I guess she rubbed on me.." he smiled still frowning "but she wasn't there and when the realization hit, It felt very..wrong."

He looked up, Octavia face was soft, her voice even more tender then he expected "You missed her."

He snorted "I feel like that doesn't even begin to cover it.." it slipped out before he could stop himself and when he looked again at his sister, her smile grew in a proper grin.

Great.

Now she would never let him live out of it. "Well, I think you should tell her.."

He scoffed. "Right. Like that's gonna happen" his words dripping with sarcasm.

"Oh Bel, Why not?!"

He looked at her disbelievingly "Why not? I could write a book of reasons why I shouldn't tell Clarke Griffin how I feel about her!" he hissed.

She rolled her eyes. Again. He wondered distractedly if her eyes would pop out, if she kept doing it..

"Name one."

"She doesn't feel the same way."

Octavia made a face "Please. You're really blind if you cannot see it.."

"What do you mean?"

"The way she hugged you when we came back, and after when she literally had to tear her eyes off of you to hug me.. That's the way I'd hug Lincoln.." He noticed her weaver at the thought of having lost him probably forever, and when he spoke it was his turn to soften his tone.

"Then, if she really feel the same way.. Well, that would be another reason to keep my distance.."

Her sister wasn't the only one that had thought of that hug.

Oh, he thought about it a lot.

The way the world, in that moment, had narrowed only on her. The way he felt her arms tighten around his neck like she was afraid that he would disappear, the same fear that had caught him off guard when he wrapped his arms around her. Or the feel of her lips gently brushing on his neck. He thought about that a lot. He almost drove himself crazy imagining how those very lips would feel against his. And then there was the look on her face, full of wonder.. He's pretty sure he had a similar look on his too.

By then Octavia had regained her composure and looked his brother in the eye

"Why?"

"Because.." He exhaled. And let his shoulders drop in defeat. He had thought about it so many times that he almost felt relieved to finally be able to talk about it.. "Even if the adults technically, relieved us from having any responsibility.. We will always feel some kind of duty towards the hundred.. Or whoever remains of them.." he added sadly. "When she closed the drop-ship door, it was the best thing for the group and she did it because she knew that..Even if doing so meant that she had to leave others out.." He frowned "I would've done the same thing.. But if we get together and that same kind of decision come again, I think I could never do it.. No. I know I wouldn't. And this means that I'd have to put everyone else in danger. I'm not allowed to be selfish, they see me as their leader. I'm supposed to do what it's right for the group." He concluded looking up.

Octavia looked mad. Actually really mad.

She got up so fast that he jumped on his seat.

"Bellamy Blake that is the most screwed up reason you could EVER come up with! Are you even listening to yourself?!" She almost screamed the last bit. And he couldn't do anything but stare, taken back from her reaction.

Before he could respond though, Octavia continued in a more calmer tone. "So, according to your.. Reasoning" she spat the word in a way that made you think that it was an incredible effort for her to concede it "..If right now would happen something, you would think what is best for the group, and not of Clarke? You'd leave her if that choice came now?"

He looked at her bewildered

"Of course not!"

Octavia looked at him expectantly, and when he still said nothing, she threw up her hands exasperated

"Oh my god, I can't believe it" she shook her head "You really don't get it, do you? Did you hear yourself? You just said you Wouldn't! That means that you're already too late! Since the moment you realized that you love her, you're always gonna think of her first!-"

"That's not tr-" Octavia rolled her eyes

"Besides me, of course, I know, thank you, that's not the point! What I'm trying to get in that your damn head, is that.." she paused searching for words.

And then it hit him. Bellamy got what his sister was trying to tell him. And it came like a slap. He was already too late, no matter what, Clarke would have priority over the others, like Octavia always have had.

"Shit.. I think I get it now.."

She looked surprised "You do?" Bellamy crossed his arms across his chest

"Yes, it's too late for me.. But not for her.." Octavia frowned

"What do you mean?"

"I can't put her in my position.. Someone between the two of us must stay.. detached"

Octavia didn't say anything. She stared at his brother for a long time and then shook her head, turned and made her way to the exit of his tent, but just before she went outside she stopped and looked over her shoulder "You're an idiot, if you think she doesn't feel the same as you.." and with that she left him more confused than ever.