Disclaimer: See profile if you actually want to read it, since I keep forgetting to put it into individual chapters.

Review responses:

godlikenaruto95

You're a dick

Yes, yes I am.

Note: since this was posted on chapter 5 I assumed it was about the long ass wait time for this next chapter. If there's some other way I'm being a dick... well... good for me... I guess... Life goals achieved. Yay... Now what?

marquis shax

While the attacks never happened in Canon I really don't mind them in these stories as it adds a little more depth to the story plus it's fanfiction so if you wanted you could make Naruto Kami reincarnated lol. The one thing I completely HATE is the attacks you have him miraculously recover from. Seriously next thing you're gonna do is say that he had his head cut off and it grew back. Saying stupid shit like "he was stabbed through the heart, had his eyes gouged out, and had his neck broken but was perfectly fine minutes later" that makes it seem like he really is the Kyuubi and if you're gonna go that far with his healing ability you might as well just give him fox ears and a tail.

I never once said they regrew in a few minutes. I said, or at least implied that they left him lying in a pool of his own blood multiple times convinced that he was dead and each time his body would slowly patch back together over the course of several hours while the kyuubis' chakra kept his body functioning,. Likewise I tried to establish without saying outright that beheading/ complete destruction of the brain will in fact kill him.

Ah, the last part of your review. Yes, this healing reinforced the belief that he was the Kyuubi and I plan to go back to the first chapter to make that more clear. Thanks for reminding me about that by the way.

Also, since I get the feeling there will be someone to ask. Yes, he has had his throat slashed in the past but villagers don't exactly have the proper tools for a full beheading, but if anyone reading has any reasonably in-depth knowledge of anatomy they will know it's pretty fucking hard to completely severe a head. If you need proof I believe there was an execution which took 47 swings of a full sized executioners axe before the head was full severed, feel free to look the story up. How hard do you think it would be for a bunch of civilians using kitchen knives and improvised broken bottles?

Many, MANY Reviewers:

I'll try to hold off on putting author notes mid chap.

Incidentally, I may or may not have gotten bored with the tense atmosphere that I built up in the last chapter...

LETS GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD

Shortly before Narutos arrival in the clearing

Anko quickly took stock of the situation before her, Sasuke seemed to be stuck in a semi-catatonic state from facing snake face (if the breaking out in a cold sweat and shaking like he was having a mild seizure was any indication) Kakashi already looked drained from the fight, but seemed to only have a few minor injuries so far...granted, her idea of minor may have been skewed slightly by living with a guy who considers not breaking bones regularly during his training as 'slacking off'. Kakashi was still able to fight...probably.

*THUD*

Never mind.

'I really need to start measuring damage based on what a normal human could take...' Anko thought to herself, before landing beside the still pretty out of it Sasuke.

For a second she considered just grabbing both of them and using the Hiraishin to get back to Konoha (in retrospect she wasn't really sure why they decided to tree hop back in the first place) but those thoughts were quickly crushed in the face of an opportunity to kill the snake bastard. Knowing him like she did, it was only a matter of time before he went for the bait and she could put Naruto's plan into action, that bait being what he would see as the chance of an easy win.

Looking Sasuke over she decided he wouldn't be moving for a while, and even if he was, he wouldn't really help much against one of the freaking sannin and given his hatred of team work, would actually be more use if he was fighting for Snake face.

Orochimaru on the other hand, was getting very confused, he was expecting his former student to snap and rush him the second she made eye contact, but instead she seemed to be casually assessing the situation. Maybe a little prodding would get her riled up enough for quick disposal, he was only here for Sasuke after all.

"Ahh Anko-chan, it's good to see you after so long. Are you doing well? You seemed a little ill the last time I saw you, how is that cursed seal by the way?" he said in that tone of voice which seemed to constantly conjure up the images and feeling of a snake slithering over your skin.

'Strange.' he noted, a little dubiously. A full ten seconds later and she had given no sign that she had even heard him. So figuring she must have been too focused on her teammate to hear him, he repeated himself

"I said, it's good to see you a-"

"Shut the fuck up, I heard you the first time." she snapped back, still not even looking up at him she would have also said 'You're just not worth the breath it would take to form a response' but then there is the whole problem of that being more wasted breath. The only reason she even responded in the first place was because of how annoying his voice was and she would need him at least a little flustered if only so he wouldn't notice the effects of the plan until it was too late.

"Ohh Testy, are w-"

"Do you not get the meaning of the words shut up?" she cut him off yet again.

"M-"

"Curl up and die."

"Y-"

"Can it!"

"Will you ju-"

"Shut yer Goddamn trap!"

"Wh-"

"Fuck off!"

"Just let me-"

"DIE!"

"RRRRRWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHH"

Whatever Anko planned on saying next was cut off, thanks to the snake's mad charge. Surprisingly, he wasn't charging at her like she had been expecting, rather the still paralyzed-with-fear Sasuke. It was only when she saw him form the seal for the dreaded hickey of death (patent pending) that she began to panic... and then remembered that Naruto could remove cursed seals faster than a great fireball technique could light a match.

'Still, that's probably gonna hurt like a bitch...Sucks to be him.' she resolved internally, already looking forward to the look on snake-bastards face when he found out Naruto could remove the seal as easily as he could down 10 extra-large bowls of ramen, failing that she could do it almost as fast, it just took a lot more concentration for her.

'Screw it! I'll just incapacitate Sasuke, then deal wit-' His thoughts were interrupted by a large earth spike, piercing straight through his abdomen and pinning him in place. That is, if he was a normal human. As it was he simply lashed out with his extendable neck and bit down on Sasuke's collar bone, who had just barely managed to get himself moving not a few seconds ago by stabbing himself in the leg- really, you'd think he'd know better than to stab himself somewhere that would limit his mobility. Not that he could have escaped either way but still. That was just stupid.

"Well th-" He began, as he regurgitated himself before getting cut off yet again by Anko

"Do you seriously STILL not get the meaning of shut the fuck up!?" yelled Anko

"Insole-"

"Bastard."

Again Orochimaru found himself seeing red. Reaching out for the portion of his chakra that allowed him to remotely activate the cursed seal he pushed a little, expecting her to wince. Nothing.

Confused, he pushed a little more, anticipating her to lose her control and at the very least fall to the ground and clutch her neck. Nothing.

Frustrated, he put all of his will behind it, Enough that most would be rendered unconscious, or at the very least in a writhing ball of agony. This time he did see something, however instead of being in pain, she seemed to be giving a grin that would put the Cheshire cat to shame. What's more, there seemed to be trails of thin, barely visible sealing script running the full length of her body.

'This can't be good.' was all he had time to think before she charged.

While her speed was nothing to scoff at, he could easily have avoided it, if he wasn't paralyzed.

'What the fuck is going on?!' were the thoughts of a certain snake sannin as he sailed through the air and crash landed against the trunk of a nearby his thought processes were steadily becoming more and more clouded as Anko buried what seemed to be an infinite supply of elongated kunai into his shoulders, arms, legs and pretty much every appendage there was space to stab a kunai into. Within a few seconds he looked not unlike an academy students practice dummy and was well and truly stuck to the tree.

Under normal circumstances this would be fairly minor for him, he'd simply shed his skin and would normally be free of both the kunai and whatever was causing the paralysis. If not for the fact that he could no longer access his chakra. And then there was the pain, centred on his left shoulder was an intense burning sensation, steadily growing and within a few more seconds began to eclipse the pain of becoming an over-sized pincushion. Soon, his vision began to fade, his breathing slowed to the point it was almost non existent, the only thing that didn't fade was the pain, burning like the black fires of Amaterasu just under his skin and spreading steadily, coursing through his veins like liquid death.

'No. NO! I can't die here! I am Orochimaru the immortal! I...am...beyond...de...'

Interesting thing about the cursed seal of heaven that Orochimaru places on most people he takes an interest in. After it's placed it isn't simply self-sustaining. No. What actually happens is a permanent link forms between the person who placed it and the recipient, this keeps a constant transfer of chakra to the seal in order to maintain the seal. Now most of the time this link is too weak for either party to consciously detect, unless in close proximity to one another. To remotely activate the seal, like Orochimaru attempted to do with Anko vastly increases the strength of this connection and allows him to exert, to a certain degree, his own will over that person. Unfortunately for him, this strengthened link.

Their plan was fool proof, Except for one thing. The one thing that neither could have predicted and it was doubtful that even the snake sannin knew of this feature of the cursed seals which severed the users tie to ALL cursed seals, essentially making them inert in the event of the user coming under attack via the link from the cursed seal. Whether this was planned, his final act in the throes of desperation or just dumb fucking luck they would never know.

Unfortunately for Anko, the seal they had come up with also blocked her ability to sense the link, so the only indication she had of it being broken was.

"AHHHhhh!"

-The snake springing from his mouth and sinking its poisonous fangs into her arm.

'Okay. Don't panic Anko, you totally got this, poison will be out of my system in a few minutes, I mean that's what all those really bad tasting immunity boosters were for, isn't it? Yeah I totally got this! He's gotta be pretty drained after that so I should be able to take him... or at least hold out till Naruto gets here, then we can both take him down together' she thought to herself.

Anko stared up at the sky, so drained she was struggling to keep her eyes open 'I totally did NOT have this.' She mused, mentally kicking herself for letting it get to the stage where she was too drained to even lock on to one of her markers, let alone teleport to it.

'So this is how I die then? Well...Shit. Wait, I should probably be thinking positive...hmmm. Well, there's the several hundred shades of pain and death the legendary kiddie toucher will be going through when Naruto takes him down. Gotta remember to tape that when I'm in the afterlife, even if it will most likely take a few years for him to be strong enough to do it.'

Orochimaru was perturbed, no that wasn't quite the right word. Puzzled? Quizzical? He was fucking confused. Yes that was it. In all his lifetime he had seen people spit at him in defiance, try to flee, beg for their lives and almost any other reaction you could think of, which is why the not so faintly sadistic smile on her face was so strange, in all of his past experiences, he was the one whose face that smile would often adorn, normally when observing the effects of some of his more painful experiments, or when he was planning to test out some new torture methods on one of the begging, pleading and occasionally rebellious masses he had just defeated in battle.

Given the last 'surprise' his student had given him he was more than a little cautious with his approach, until he eventually realized there were no hidden dangers- which mostly just added to his confusion.

Looking over to Orochimaru, she dimly noted how his sword was poised to bury itself into her skull- and then it wasn't. Instead, it was already traveling through the skull of her Naruto. She had about a split second of registering that Naruto must have used a replacement technique with her before she saw Naruto solidly plant his boot into the snake sannin face.

In that moment, Naruto, Anko and Orochimaru All had the same thought.

'What the HELL?'

'What the HELL?

''What the HELL?'

'Kurama, any idea what just happened? I'm sure that sword just went straight through my skull, but I didn't feel a thing, and there are no marks. What the hell just happened?'

'Not a clue, Kit. Just for the love of Kami don't risk another shot like that at least until till we figure out what you did and how to recreate it.'

It was at this moment that Orochimarus curiosity was piqued by this new development, prompting him to ask the obvious question.

"How di-"

"Shut Up!"

"Shut Up!"

Was the shared reaction of Naruto and Anko. Clearly he still hadn't gotten the message yet.

Once more Orochimaru was stirred into a rage and found himself charging headfirst toward Naruto. Well, I suppose technically it was sword first but the end result was the same either way, he over extended his thrust due to the rage induced state, and soon found himself barely being able to dodge well over a dozen bamboo sprigs, far too many of which were aimed at his genitals for it to just be a coincidence.

'Seriously. Get someone pissed off enough and they start making mistakes that would embarrass academy students' mused Naruto as he dodged yet another swing

'But that sword is starting to really piss me off.' he continued

"Wood release: Dragon mask shield"(1)

The snake sannin stared on in shock as his latest attempt to stab the annoying blond was stopped by his sword becoming wedged between the two separate halves of the dragon mask. It seemed Naruto wasn't worried about 'pedos'R'us finding out about his wood release

'Well not quite what this technique was meant for but I'd say it worked pretty damn well.' Naruto nodded to himself

As he watched the Snake sannin try in vain to pull the sword from the stone...err...wood, he briefly considered yelling that he was not worthy of becoming Hokage. But it just didn't seem worth it, given the minuscule chance of the snake bastard actually getting the reference plus there was the whole not talking to him thing to consider.

Snapping out of his internal debate over which would provoke the snake sannin best, he came to the decision that he probably shouldn't be so concerned about it at the moment, what with the lives of him and the rest of his team hanging in the balance and all. Well, that and the fact that Orochimaru seemed to have abandon his Arthur cosplay as useless folly and went for the much more straight forward choice of 'creepy pedo tries to violate a twelve year old '. He didn't even need a costume for that one.

Said attempts at violating a twelve year old got decidedly more aggressive once Naruto snatched up his sword from its makeshift sheathe, as he sailed past it after his latest dodge, coming out of his spin with an upwards vertical slash which would have bisected the snake sannin, Had the blonde known how the increase the swords length.

Approximately 0.023158 seconds after coming out of his spin and touching down on the ground a thought occurred, or rather a sequence of thoughts.

He was fighting Orochimaru.

The Snake Sannin.

One of the strongest ninja ever produced by the leaf.

With no back up.

What the actual fuck did he think he was doing?

Thinking quickly he leaped into the air and tossed a handful of smoke bombs before forming several dozen shadow clones as an added distraction for a moment he thought that would be sufficient. Just a moment. Incidentally that was also how long it took the snake sannin to deal with the clones and close a large portion of the distance between them, while he tossed a few of his markers out towards where his teammates lay a little over a hundred metres away.

As the snake sannin approached time seemed to slow and provide the blonde with a sense of hyper clarity beyond even what the sharingan allowed. internally he debated his options, he was approaching far too fast to simply dodge and the Hiraishin was out of the question for what he had planned, unless he wanted to give away his greatest trump card that left only one other option. It was idiotic. It was insane. It was perfect.

the plan was quite simple really, he would just cast trickster fox and make him think he was trying to dodge upward whereas in reality he was really dodging downwards and maybe, possibly slap a ream of exploding tags onto his genitals as he flew past. Not a word was said as he locked eyes with his target. Wouldn't want to spoil the surprise now would we?

In the moment Naruto cast the genjutsu something odd happened. No, odd wasn't quite the word for it. Fucking strange seemed to fit the bill more suitably. Yup, what happened was fucking strange, no two ways about it.

Instead of the seamless transition into the fantasy world of his imagination what he witnessed was a shimmer traveling through the surrounding landscape, what's more he soon noticed a large shadow floating above him.

'Black trench coat? Check. Blond hair? Check. Gl- who the hell else is it gonna be? Why is there a second me, or more specifically why can I see it? My image should just be in the pedos hea- I'm gonna stop right there... and possibly take a hot bath once I get home. I feel dirty.' Evidently said pedo was confused as well, seeing as he landed a good distance away simply to observe, for the moment appearing to remember how badly it had went the last few times he had rushed in.

It was strange. Despite his mounting confusion, he felt strong, in control' like if he just reached out, with a simple clench of the fist he could crush the opponent standing before him. Unbeknownst, unbidden he raised his hand. And did just that.

Coming out of the daze that threatened to steal away his senses he looked around. Strange, where were the trees? Wasn't he in a Forrest moments before? Where was this place, filled with these strangely shaped bushes rising up to just below his waist?

The blonde was completely snapped out of the remaining dregs of his delirium with a strange ticklish sensation in the palm of his hand. Looking down his eyes found themselves focused on what appeared to be a miniature Orochimaru puppet... with some really advanced animations, it looked like the little, very disturbing doll was really moving. Oh, he stopped now and seemed to be doing a very effective impersonation of a deer in the head lights. Strange, who would make a toy that could experience fear, and was it whimpering?

Bringing the hand up to his eye to examine this strange toy closer he noticed a few key things

1. His hand got much damper in a very short space of time.

2. It was not a toy.

3. Those were not strangely shaped bushes, they were trees.

Staring down at the pint-sized sannin three simple words came to mind finally breaking his long term silence as the came to his lips unbidden.

"You dun goofed". (2)

Immediately following those words he had tightened his grip... slowly. Taking a great deal of satisfaction in the sounds of several dozen bones being reduced to dust and to a lesser extent the screaming of a man in pure unadulterated pain, but nothing would match the satisfaction felt when pressure within the sannins body began to build up until-

Pop.

Needless to say, his head went pop.

The only thing to Dull his enjoyment of this new development was the quiet voice in the back of his mind warning him that the real Orochimaru was still alive focusing on that thought he watched as Orochimaru reappeared on the Forrest floor below, as an after thought he shrunk back down to his regular size as a clone materialized at his side. Not two seconds after the snake sannin had reformed and recovered his senses he caught sight of one of the blondes shooting him a two fingered salute before fading out of existence, looking over at the second he stared in shock as it gradually shifted into a miniature nine-tailed fox.

Miniature being a relative term.

Orochimaru quickly found himself in a mad dash to escape the jaws, claws and occasional tail from the house sized creature pursuing him with a vengeance. That day, while he may never have consciously realized it, Orochimaru developed a pathological fear of foxes. Particularly those of the multi-tailed, nation destroying variety.

If one had witnessed the almost casual ease with which Naruto dealt with the snake sannin inside the illusion, they would likely perform a double take (or several) as he frantically used the Hiraishin to flash beside and toss her over his shoulder before teleporting the few hundred metres towards his two remaining teammates... and quickly remember why he never did sequential jumps with the Hiraishin as he tried to overcome the sudden wave of dizziness he reached out to grab hold of both his teammates... and soon realized he was floating in the air, upside down.

Cue face plant as per the laws of gravity.

Springing back up to his feet in a flash, he reached out to both figures lying prone on the ground, disappearing in a flash of yellow light the moment he made contact.

Naruto and Anko's Apartment

Cue several minutes of feeling like he had popped into existence at the centre of a tornado, seeing as that was the only explanation for why it felt like the world was spinning faster than a toy dreidel. Even as the world seemed to right itself it took him several moments to realize where, or more specifically on whom his head was resting. Just how long had she been awake? And when did she start stroking his hair? Turning his head in her direction (with no small amount of gratitude that the world had stopped spinning) he came face to...under boob with Anko. He probably should have expected that. Shifting his head slightly to look over his companions glorious chest, and it was glorious. Really, how could something be so soft and yet firm at the same time? And the way it jiggled during training... Anyway, back to topic, there's always time to appreciate the glory that was Anko's boobs later.

"Soooo, that happened." Anko drawled.

"Yup, looks like." responded Naruto, taking a few moments to realize she was in fact not aware of his recent train of thought about her wonderful breasts, then a few more to realize she was referring to the whole thing with Orochimaru.

Barely as an afterthought, he dropped the genjutsu over his eyes, completely missing the look of surprise on Anko's face as he went into full swing "I mean, I never thought we'd need to deal with the bastard so soon."

"Naruto"

"Let alone his puppets, turns out one of them was an Uzumaki by the way."

"Naruto!"

"And why was the Flying Thunder God seal I placed on you not working anyway?"

"NARUTO!" that got his attention.

"What?" he asked, the confusion clearly evident on his face.

"Your eyes..." she trailed off unsure of how to explain.

"What about my eyes? It's hardly the first time you've seen my sharingan.

Giving up on a verbal explanation, she grabbed his arm and marched him into the bathroom manually turning him to face the mirror she waited.

And waited.

And waited...

"Huh. Well shit." he eloquently summed up his surprise.

Sharingan eyes. Mangekyo sharingan eyes. His Mangekyo sharingan eyes.

Omake - The many S - Rank secrets surrounding Narutos' Training

"Yo, Jiji." yelled Naruto, age 6 as he barged into the Hokage's office to hand in his bi-monthly training progress report.

Strolling up, he casually placed it on the aged Hokages desk and wondered for the hundredth time why the old man didn't just use shadow clones to do the paper work, but figured, just like every other time this thought occurred to him, there must be some reason he hadn't thought of yet as to why that was a bad idea and so didn't mention it.

As he read over the report, he felt his jaw drop "Third stage of the sharingan reached already?"

"Yup" he chirped in response

Sighing, the old man took out his S- ranked seal, really, he didn't see the point in adding the seal to each page, seeing as the whole file was marked S- class as of the first day of training. But the village seemed to thrive on pointless bureaucracy.

"Wind, Water, fire and earth nature manipulation training finished? In two months?" he asked dubiously staring down at one Naruto Uzumaki

"Yup" he chirped in response, as was becoming his custom

"How?" was all the aged Hokage said, still staring at the page in shock, He knew the boy used shadow clones but still, that destroyed any pre-existing records for elemental affinities training

"Well, I started the first stage for all elements the month before month, the second stage is just that taken to the extreme, so the training with other elements helped me progress faster in each one"

Wordlessly the third reached for the S- class seal

"Destroyed half the forest of death training to use the Bijudama? And then remade it with the wood release?"

"Yup"

Wordlessly, the old man reached for the S- class seal, stepped out from behind the desk and crouched down in front of the blond Uzumaki

"Ouch! What was that for?" he yelled as he rubbed the spot on his forehead where the third had stamped him with the S- class seal.

"To save time." he responded simply, as he sat back down at his desk to finish his paper work.

Well, that's, the severely late update my only excuse is exams suck and it's tough to restart after spending so long away. Incidentally let me know what you think of this chapter in comparison to the earlier chapters by reviews please.

Apologies to all those who will no doubt find this way too short, but I figured this was a good spot to leave it. Plus I really didn't want to wait any longer to post it.

(1) Japanese name is Hobi no jutsu for those who care and no I didn't translate it to English, mostly cuz I really hate the way most wood release techniques names have no direct relation to what the technique actually does and that pisses me off to no end.

(2) Fun fact, I have never once seen the original video that this phrase was used in. first time I had ever heard it was Hellsing ultimate abridged, a series I recommend you watch if you haven't already. It. Is. Awesome. In fact, now that I think about it, pretty much all the stuff Team Four star creates is just awesome.