So... hey. Been a while. Tbh I never really thought I'd be coming back to this one. As the first long fic I've ever finished, this story will always hold a special place in my heart, but like... I was thirteen when I started it. No need to revisit, I thought.

Shows what I know. I'm rewriting this sucker.

So. Several things about that. For one thing, when I say rewrite, I mean a complete rewrite. One hundred percent overhaul. Some elements will remain the same, but for the most part, the plot is very different. It's... basically a different story. The style it's written in will be very different as well; I'm making this my own rather than trying to imitate that of the original book, since, y'know, I do actually have a somewhat developed style of my own now. This does mean no footnotes, unfortunately.

It's also a helluva lot more gay, in direct proportion to my own increased gayness over the years. I'd say don't like don't read, but... guys. It's 2k18. I think that goes without saying?

A final thing is that I will not be posting it on this site. I just... really don't want to have to deal with this site. Ever again. I'm making an exception for this announcement because anybody who's made it this far has a right to know about this, but. I like ao3 a whole lot better. I have the first seven chapters written (though not edited), and I will begin posting a week from today, on June 3rd. It will be on my ao3 account, where my username is also angelsdemonsducks, and the working title is 'And All the Sinners, Saints'.

Totally up to you whether you want to come check it out or not. But this was the first fic that I ever had a substantial amount of readers on, so you guys mean a lot to me. I thought I'd say something about it in case any of you were still here.

Here's a sample of the first chapter:

xxx

Chapter One: In Which Dean Makes a Decision

Dean leaves Lisa on a Thursday.

The worst thing about it is that she doesn't even look surprised. She lets him stammer and stumble his way through an explanation of why exactly he can't stay here anymore, and when he finally falls into uneasy silence, she just crosses her arms. The look on her face is something a little sad and something a little pitying, but surprise doesn't factor into that anywhere.

"I'm only surprised you stayed as long as you did," she tells him, and her voice is resigned. Maybe a little disappointed. It makes his throat clench up.

"Really?" is all he can manage.

She sighs. "I know you, Dean, and that means I can tell when you're miserable. You're trying here, you really are, but this isn't where you want to be."

He doesn't have a good response to that, because that is basically all of his problems in a nutshell. He loves Lisa, and he loves Ben, and he likes the job he managed to snag at the local mechanic's well enough. But it's been almost two months since he got here, and he's not really any more settled than he was at the start. He's figured out how not to wake Lisa with his nightmares, but that's just about it. He likes it here, likes the apple pie life, but he can't shake off the feeling that it's not where he's meant to be, that it's not home.

The thing is, home is his brother, and his brother is gone.

"Hey," Lisa says, putting a hand on his arm. He startles. "Just… say bye to Ben before you go, alright? He's not going to get it."

He swallows hard and manages a nod.

She's right. Ben doesn't get it, not really. But then, he's glad he doesn't. That just means that he's still innocent enough that he hasn't ever had to deal with something like this. Hopefully, a stable home life will mean that he never will.

Once he understands that Dean's being serious about this, Ben tries to get him to take him with him. "I could help you fight the monsters," he suggests, and wow, no. If he has his way, nothing supernatural will get anywhere near Ben ever again.

"I'm sorry buddy," he says. "That's not happening. But hey-" He softens his voice, crouches down to be on eye level- "someone's got to stay here and look after your mom, right? If you're off fighting monsters, there won't be anyone left here for her."

Ben looks disgruntled, but more accepting than he did a moment previous. "I guess," he says, and then launches himself forward, wrapping his arms tightly around him. "I'm gonna miss you," he says, voice muffled by Dean's shirt.

He blinks, and in that moment, he hates himself for putting them through this. If this was what was going to happen, it would have been better for him to never come back at all. "Yeah," he says, his voice hoarse, "you too, Ben."

He meets Lisa's eyes over the kid's shoulder. She gives him a nod.

He doesn't cry. He admits, he wants to, a little. But as much as that's true, this is the right thing to do. It's not fair to them to stay here, if his heart's not in it. If he can't give them what they deserve.

He doesn't stay for dinner. He's afraid he would change his mind if he did. Both Lisa and Ben extract promises from him to call every now and then, to let them know he's still alive. He can tell from the look in Lisa's eyes that she thinks he won't. He hates himself for it, but she's probably right. If he's going to make a break, it had better be a clean break.

He should have known from the start, he thinks, that this wasn't going to work out. But it was what Sam wanted, so he gave it a try. For his brother.

Isn't that just the story of his life? Sam is trapped in Hell, but he's a persistent ghost regardless.

He hits the road at a quarter to six. There's no way he's going to get to Bobby's at a reasonable time. He'll probably stop somewhere. But for now, the hum of the Impala's engine sends a comforting shiver down his back, and she runs as smoothly as she always has. The passenger seat is achingly empty, but he tries to ignore that as he coasts down the highway. Miles ahead of him and miles behind, the black asphalt gives way under the Impala's tires, and for the first time in months, he feels just a little bit at peace.

xxx

I'm really excited to be working this; I think it's gonna turn out to be pretty good. I hope to see some of you guys over on ao3! Til then, this is angelsdemonsducks, signing off.