Chapter 15

…

Lidia Peach is a businesswoman who carries herself with overall confidence, although her slight red eyes at the moment she leaves Dr. Hamilton's office tell a different story. Rachel has been seeing Lidia walking out of that same room for almost six months five days a week and the day when the tall brunette walks out with a smile on her face is yet to come. She wonders if she looks the same way when she walks out of there.

"Ms. Berry?" the twenty year old secretary smiles when she looks up and Rachel picks up her gym bag from the floor before standing, all the while thinking of how absurd her own name sounds to her ears now. "You can go in now."

Dr. Hamilton is a handsome man in his early forties who has gone bold way before his time and now rocks the shaved style with a comfortable smile on his face.

"Rachel! It's good to see you!" his soothing voice fills the room as he turns around with a cup of coffee in one hand and a tea in the other, a tradition he began the first day she met him.

"It's good to see you too, Dr. Hamilton" Rachel smiles and receives the offered tea before taking a seat in a well-worn brown leather couch set in front of a smaller version of itself.

"How you've been? How are things at home?" the doctor begins and Rachel takes a moment to savor her tea as she ponders on how to answer. By this point she's used to seeing this man, she even thinks of him as a friend because he understands her and he never judges her, he never looks at her with pity or confusion, he just gets her and he's there, she can talk to him, she can be honest with him.

She nods to herself as Dr. Hamilton sets his cup aside and crosses one leg above the other with elegant carelessness. "Quinn is no longer in the Hospital"

"That is great news."

She bobs her head as her throat contracts dangerously closed and she can't believe that it hurts to think about Quinn struggling to recover but it does.

"But let's talk about you first" Dr. Hamilton pulls her attention back and she's forced to look up from the cup wrapped around her hands. "Tell me if you're going back to Broadway."

His smile is soothing as is everything else in his office and presence. They'll be discussing Quinn, she knows it because they always end up there, because she's the reason why Rachel is even seeing him, because no one else wants to listen to her when she mentions Quinn.

"I think I'll put Broadway to rest for a little while"

His eyebrows shot up to his forehead in surprise and Rachel understands why, she's been telling him how much she loves the stage for a long time now. "How come?"

"I've been reading some scripts but most of them will require for me to go to LA, so I'm still thinking about it"

"Television or movies?"

"Television so far. There is this one script that seems really good and it'll film in New York. Susan thinks it's my best option"

"What about you? What do you think of it?"

She takes a deep breath and leans back on the couch relaxing fully. She likes to be in this office because Dr. Hamilton doesn't mention Quinn's name with rage lacing his tone, he doesn't hate her ex-wife like everyone else around her does.

"It's a wonderful story, I have no doubt that it'll make it big, I mean it's HBO, and the fact that it films in the City is very convenient because I wouldn't want to leave my kids alone and I'm not willing to move to the other side of the country for a job."

"Of course, how are the kids by the way?"

She breathes in deeply and tries to smile only to end up sipping her tea again. How to begin to describe how her kids are doing, can she even attempt and make it justice?

"Evelyn has developed an enormous love for Broadway and the stage, and her piano lessons are going better than I imagined they would" she clears her throat as Dr. Hamilton uncrosses his legs and places his cup of coffee on the small coffee table in the middle of them after taking another sip.

"You must have seen that one coming" he laughs amused and Rachel chuckles, nodding. "Does she want to be like her mommy when she grows up?"

"That's her dream right now but I wouldn't hold it against her if by the time she's fifteen she's changed her mind and wants to become a doctor or a lawyer."

"What about the boys? What are they up to now?"

The knot on her throat suddenly threatens to chock her. Quinn hasn't gone back home to recover and sitting down the boys to explain why their mommy needed to stay with Judy and Charlie has been a challenge and no matter how calmed or patient she was, the twins still ran out of the living room and locked themselves in their rooms for the rest of the day.

When she tells Dr. Hamilton about how hopeful the kids have been for Quinn to return to live with them he nods and smiles understandably, his eyes never judge her. He never pities her.

"Rachel, when you decided to divorce your wife you were showing your children how much they mean to you and how far you'll be going to ensure their happiness and their wellbeing. It's understandable that they can't see that right now, they're hurt because they miss their mom and you need to be a little more patient with how you handle them but it will pass, I assure you. You took the first step, you got out of an abusive relationship and you're showing them that violence is not okay, now you need to take the following steps carefully but decidedly."

The tears fall and she can't help it when the air leaves her body. Hearing the words violence and abusive relationship still manage to break her heart even though she's been hearing them for seven long months, they still make her feel worthless and ashamed, so ashamed.

"You are so strong, Rachel. Don't doubt yourself because you are an excellent mother and your children know this. Quinn knows this."

"They're just so angry with me" she cries and he offers her a box of tissues, his eyes never lose focus, his voice never changes. "All the time. Gabriel can't even look at me because I refused to take Quinn home and it's the same with Samuel, only he doesn't hold anything back"

"What do you mean? Has he been behaving badly with you at home?"

She disposes of two tissues on the can Dr. Hamilton has pushed closer to her and bobs her head up and down.

"Does he disrespect you?"

Even though his voice is still soothing Rachel recognizes the edge on it now. It's clear that he doesn't condone disrespecting a parent. "He does what I tell him to do but after throwing fits and yelling. Quinn was always better with him, she'd never have to even raise her voice for him to listen and do what he was told."

"Okay, look at me Rachel" she knows her eyes are red and puffy, and her nose is still running but she looks up and he's sporting a small frown as he leans forward a little. "You don't need Quinn to control Samuel. You don't need anyone but yourself to control your boy"

"He isn't a bad kid" she sobs.

"I never said he was but he is obviously affecting you and trust me, he isn't looking to hurt you. He is missing his mother and there have been changes in his life that he is obviously having a hard time to adapt to, even if it's been seven months already. You are a wonderful mother and they know it, Samuel knows it, Gabriel knows it, Evelyn and your fathers know it and they all trust you completely."

She can't look at him in the eyes for longer than two seconds but she tries to believe him. She remembers Quinn telling her the same thing. "Quinn is a great mother" she declares.

"I have no doubt that she is" Dr. Hamilton deadpans, he is the only one who agrees with her on that point. "But you have to know that you are as well, okay?" and she believes him because Quinn used to say that.

She nods still wiping away the tears with a white tissue and trying to hold back her tears. "Okay."

"Tell me more about this role that you are interested in."

His smiles and kind eyes tumble down her walls for the time being and although deep inside she's afraid of how well her doctor has come to know her, she's also thankful because he knows that she needs to change subjects, he knows that she needs a break, even if it turns out being a twenty minute break where she can only focus on herself and what she loves to do.

So she goes on to tell him all about HBO's script and Camila, the woman she'd be playing if she agrees to take the role. Camila is a thirty three year old woman, mother of two, who was a Pop Star in her teen years and has just gone through a nasty divorce. In a desperate move to not lose her house she takes on an offer of a TV Network and does a reality show about her life. Basically the show will focus on the downfall of her life since she signs this contract, how she'll lose custody of her kids, how several people who worked for her when she was sixteen come back with lawsuits and threats all around.

"Sounds like an interest plot" Dr. Hamilton smiles easily after she's done and she returns his smile.

"Oh, that's not all" Rachel chuckles lightly. "She ends up falling in love with one of the people who is suing her."

Dr. Hamilton laughs good-naturedly and she joins him, and for a moment, a slight second she doesn't see him like her doctor, she just sees him as a friend.

But then he clears his throat and Rachel sits up straighter, she knows where he's going now and she's ready to go back there.

"How is Quinn doing?" he tries to be casual about it but Rachel still stiffens at the mention of her ex-wife.

"She's out of the Hospital now" she repeats and he notices the relief.

"Have you visited her?" he continues, knowing well that this is what Rachel needs to talk about the most. Quinn.

"Not since she's home. I was there the day they took her back to her mother but I can't go visit her right now"

"Why not?"

"Because I don't think that I can see her in a wheelchair without losing it"

"You didn't mention she'll be in a wheelchair" he can't help to keep the worry out of his tone but Rachel smiles lightly, placating him and thankful that there is someone who seems to care.

"Well, it's not serious. I mean, her spine isn't damaged but she still has casts on both of her legs and the wheelchair is only necessary until her right ankle heals and then she'll move on to crutches, and the physical therapy comes next."

The pain in Rachel's features in undeniable and he wasn't wrong when he thought in their first session that this is a woman who carries her heart on her sleeve. She suffers because the woman she loves is suffering.

It took him only a couple of sessions to diagnosed Rachel. Domestic Stockholm Syndrome. Very rare but real. Rachel has developed a connection so deep with Quinn that every traumatic and abusive experience is laced with intimacy and love to the point where she cannot see why everyone else bans her ex-wife's actions towards her, although she knows that is wrong. For years, Rachel has been used to Quinn granting her permission to do everything and bending to her requests that she was not only terrified of Quinn's retaliation but she was infantilized to an extent.

Until this day Rachel can't stop doing the things that Quinn demanded of her when they were married. Small things like cleaning the house in a certain way, not leaving the house or talk to friends outside of her job, getting up at a certain hour and having dinner at seven sharp every night. These are things that Rachel can't stop doing among so many others because it gives her a certain feeling of relief, or accomplishment. She feels good when she does these things right, she feels proficient in some way and most importantly she feels connected to Quinn because of them.

Dr. Hamilton keeps his face neutral, his eyes warm and his posture relaxed. Rachel needs to see him as a friend or else she'd refuse to talk to him just like she has completely refused to talk to her parents and best friend. "Why do you say that you can't see her like that?"

"Because – I don't know. I - Quinn has always been a strong person, someone who demanded respect silently and aggressively. Seeing her like that, confined to a wheelchair, it just – it breaks me because she doesn't deserve it"

"No one deserves it"

"She's a good person" the passionate way she speaks these words poke at Dr. Hamilton's heart and he smiles at her softly. Rachel always defends Quinn, no matter how awful the experience is, she always finds a way to justify Quinn's beatings, words and actions.

"I know she is" he agrees because if he wouldn't then he'd become an enemy and Rachel can't see him as the enemy when he's trying to help her. "That's why she'll be perfectly alright and you are going to help her."

She shakes her head immediately. "I can't take her home with me, we would need someone else to stay with us. That's the Judge's order."

"Not like that, I'm sure her mother is taking good care of her for the time being. I was talking about her relationship with your children. You want her to be a part of your kids' life, right?"

"Of course" she nods. "But how?"

With Quinn back into her life, Rachel's healing will be a hundred percent effective. The separation has been a giant step back for Rachel's recovery. When Quinn disappeared from her life the effect it had on Rachel has been the opposite of what Dr. Hamilton has been expecting if such thing came to happen. Rachel has shut down completely and she has been living her life just the way Quinn would have wanted her to, but now, Dr. Hamilton has been seeing a different side of Rachel's personality that he hasn't known yet and it's because Quinn came back into the picture.

"We've talked about the abusive part of your relationship, right?"

Her eyes become downcast and she visibly shrinks. Rachel is by no means a masochist, she accepts that she didn't like the pain and she's never justified the violence, claiming that there are other ways to deal with anger, that's why Quinn's insults and lashing outs have become an okay way to retaliation in Rachel's book. However she always finds a reason to blame herself for them because in her mind Quinn isn't a bad person.

"What does that have to do with anything?" she asks a little defensively.

"You have to make it clear that you won't stand her raising her hand at you again"

"She wouldn't" she anxiously says. "You don't know her. She's changed, she's – she's like a whole new person" he was expecting this defensiveness to arise.

"A vulnerable situation tends to bring a different side of a person to surface. Being in a hospital bed can make you feel humble, maybe that's what you saw in Quinn?" he finishes very carefully.

"No, no it wasn't like that" Rachel denies, a bit calmer but thoughtful, and he can see that she's considering his words carefully. "I've seen her vulnerable and this was something else. I mean, she's still Quinn but… calmer, a laidback version of my Quinn"

"Did you talk to her?" he's intrigued now.

"Yes but not for long"

"Did she tell you what she's been up to?"

"She mentioned therapy and Anger Management Control. She's been taking care of herself until the accident happened."

He hasn't thought of Quinn as an irrational person but he has thought of her as a damaged woman. However, he never thought she'd look for help after all the things she's done and by the way Rachel has defined her. But he still takes the news gladly, this can only help Rachel further and that's what he's mostly interested in.

"What else did she say?"

The more Rachel tells him about Quinn's therapy and methods she's using to get better the more he grows concern because Quinn is apparently changing but Rachel hasn't had the same luck.

"She looks ready to move on" the sadness Rachel uses in this sentence makes Dr. Hamilton see a bit deeper into her.

"Would you like her to move on?"

She shrugs and smiles halfheartedly. "I just want her to be okay. I want her to visit our kids and be happy. I just want her to be happy."

"I'm sure she wants you to be happy as well."

She frowns and finally sets her cup on the coffee table with care. "I think she believes there is something going on between Santana and I"

"Is there anything going on?"

"No, but it's not because she doesn't want it. Santana, I mean"

"Does it bother you? That Quinn has these thoughts?"

"Yes because they aren't true and I wouldn't want to…" she cuts herself off, unable to keep speaking.

"Here is a bolt question, okay?"

Hesitantly she nods her head, he can see the trepidation in her eyes but they don't break eye contact. "Do you want Quinn to go back home with you in the future?"

"I can't have her home with me" she doesn't miss a beat. She's already scratching the place of her finger where her wedding ring used to be in. "I have to protect my children" he would have liked better if she said she's protecting herself as well but she has the main idea clear. She knows that Quinn was doing wrong.

"But do you want to?"

She doesn't answer, her eyes become downcast again and her shoulders slump. She doesn't answer verbally but she does answer the question.

"It's okay to want this, Rachel. And it's perfectly okay for you to feel like this"

"Like I care for the person who gave me pain more than anything for almost a decade?" she asks through her tears, more humiliated than before.

"It's okay because you know that you are strong enough to take care of you children, to take care of yourself. It's okay to feel."

When Rachel leaves his office he sits behind his desk and finishes his cup of coffee in silence. Rachel has been refusing to bring a family member to therapy for months but now that Quinn is back, he wonders if Rachel would be opposed to Quinn coming into one of her sessions and honestly, he needs to meet Quinn Fabray and talk to her personally if he really wants Rachel to get over this trauma. And he wants to help this woman.

Thank you so much for your reviews guys, I love to read your opinions about the story and getting to know some of you has been wonderful but please, pretty please stop fighting against one another in the comment section. I'm glad you feel so passionate about this fic but calling each other names isn't right or even appropriate and you'd be surprised (or maybe not) about how many messages I get from people telling me that they think the plot is intriguing but they won't read it because of the reviews and the fights, and all the hate that Faberry fans hold when they don't find a story that is canon. And by this point in this story I think we all agree that this isn't canon, right?

Thanks for reading and I'll try to post the next one sooner, I'll try.